Help with my brother.

He2etic · 08-11-2008, 03:24 PM

This is a long thread that gives me a pretty solid idea of the psyche of my sibling.

When mom and dad were married, mom brought two teen daughters into the family. These were my half sisters, and not long after I was born. My brother came 2.5 years after me and was the last to join the family. Before I hit 10, both my sisters moved out and my brother and I were the only children in the house.

While dad was a stock broker working at the office, mom was a stay at home entrepreneur. She turned the basement into a daycare and not only watched over me but several neighborhood kids as well. Sometimes they teased my brother, and he did not do very well in elementary and middle school.

While we were waiting for our house to be built in southern Maryland, we lived in McLean, VA for a year. My brother fell in line with a bad crowd. A couple of losers who smoked cigarettes and tried to hike a few miles to try and see a girl who was rumored to do sexual favors pretty freely. My brother's grades just bombed utterly, and finally mom decided she would rather take Morgan to the new house in Maryland since he would have to repeat that grade no matter how he performed on his finals (the school gave permission for this.)

In Maryland, the problems got even worse. While the house was nice, a neighborhood nearby was full of even more of the same losers that my brother had made friends with. My brother began to hang out with a clique of similar minded people, skipping classes and going out drinking and chasing floozy girls.

The friends my brother made were a worse influence then the guys before. Back in McLean, they were just a few punks. Of these new guys, two of them were dunderhead types who laughed and got their kicks off of drugs and women. Another was a kleiptomaniac (sp?) and the last was straight dangerous- drugs fried his brain and the guy was the size of a gorilla with an equally short temper.

My brother finally lost his own temper at mom (who was a source of constant irritation and anger), and he finally hit her at one point. My brother spent a month in juvenile and was sentenced to anger management classes. Although he never hit her again, his anger would sometimes surge violently anyway.

Fast forward to just a year ago, I've moved out of the house for college and he's busy using every excuse to bum money from the parents. Living in his own apartment and working at various jobs he constantly quits. Dad put money to get him a blue collar job, only to see that fail. Then tried to send him to community college (my brother went back for his GED) and watched that fall flat.

Working as a waiter, he relatively managed to finally support himself and is constantly mooching off his friends who seem relatively endless. Whenever my brother is backed into a corner financially, he just finds someone to mooch on until they kick him out. As much as I hope he finally hits rock bottom and decide to change, he is like soap, always slipping from reality's grasp.

The most recent set of problems occured 11 days ago when he took a plane to Florida with every intention of moving there. Although he had a place and a job lined up, the place is disappearing in 20 days- the landlord gave a month's notice and needs them to move out. Meanwhile, the job promise fell through in the economy. He is currently looking for a job, but sometimes I wonder if the things that occur are just excuses.

I would like to help my brother out and genuinely get him started so he can live without worries or crap happening to him. On one hand, I have all the resources I need here, on the other I worry that helping him would enable his behavior. He has mooched off his friends, our parents and one of our sisters to the point that it fails to register in his mind how to change.

What I'd like to do is let him stay here with certain conditions and restrictions in order to help him figure out how to better manage his money and discipline himself. I don't want to enable him as a self perpetuated victim and would like some advice as to how to prevent him from letting himself do this.

redhearts · 08-11-2008, 03:47 PM

BIG MISTAKE. In his case, he has to hit rock bottom and see how it really is like being a "loser" not having a job or being in college and trying to depend off others. If you let him move in, that'll take a hit to your life and he won't learn.

He2etic · 08-11-2008, 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhearts

BIG MISTAKE. In his case, he has to hit rock bottom and see how it really is like being a "loser" not having a job or being in college and trying to depend off others. If you let him move in, that'll take a hit to your life and he won't learn.

That, unfortunately, is actually my first instinct. People have tried and failed to educate him. I am hoping that someone actually managed to pull it off so that I could learn from them. If it seems no one has, that will be my course of action.

redhearts · 08-11-2008, 03:58 PM

Are you trying to take the place of being a good parent? Someone whos honestly in his shoes, needs to really hit rock bottom hard, or hes going to think someone is always there to help him. Yeh, its good to be family and be there, but your inabling someone who just wants to depend on others and thats not good. If you bring him into your home its like saying, oh its okay you don't need to try to make it on your own I'll help you.

Life is tough and he hasn't learned that yet.

He2etic · 08-11-2008, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhearts

Are you trying to take the place of being a good parent? Someone whos honestly in his shoes, needs to really hit rock bottom hard, or hes going to think someone is always there to help him. Yeh, its good to be family and be there, but your inabling someone who just wants to depend on others and thats not good. If you bring him into your home its like saying, oh its okay you don't need to try to make it on your own I'll help you.

Life is tough and he hasn't learned that yet.

I grasp your point redhearts. I understood it the first time. But there's a lot of little issues here and there in this.

Unfortunately, this is one of those cases where playing the tough love card is a genuine roll of the dice. Sure, he may turn around and suddenly realize how screwed up he's let his life become and make a genuine effort to change. But, if he realizes it too late, he may be completely alone with no means to start from scratch, no means to contact us and an inch from death.

The reason we haven't let him just hit rock bottom before is because he's gotten pretty damn close a few times as it is, ended up in life threatening situations and barely scraped by. Tyler Durden from Fight Club may have said, "You can't imagine what the bottom looks like," but for some people, there IS no bottom.

redhearts · 08-11-2008, 04:44 PM

Hmm. In that case if you want to risk your life, than go for it. But set very strict boundaries and ask him if he really wants to make his life better, that you will give him a place to stay, but within a certain time frame he needs to pay rent or something. Perhaps that could work.

08-11-2008, 03:24 PM	#1
He2etic Offline Join Date: Jul 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 593	Help with my brother. This is a long thread that gives me a pretty solid idea of the psyche of my sibling. When mom and dad were married, mom brought two teen daughters into the family. These were my half sisters, and not long after I was born. My brother came 2.5 years after me and was the last to join the family. Before I hit 10, both my sisters moved out and my brother and I were the only children in the house. While dad was a stock broker working at the office, mom was a stay at home entrepreneur. She turned the basement into a daycare and not only watched over me but several neighborhood kids as well. Sometimes they teased my brother, and he did not do very well in elementary and middle school. While we were waiting for our house to be built in southern Maryland, we lived in McLean, VA for a year. My brother fell in line with a bad crowd. A couple of losers who smoked cigarettes and tried to hike a few miles to try and see a girl who was rumored to do sexual favors pretty freely. My brother's grades just bombed utterly, and finally mom decided she would rather take Morgan to the new house in Maryland since he would have to repeat that grade no matter how he performed on his finals (the school gave permission for this.) In Maryland, the problems got even worse. While the house was nice, a neighborhood nearby was full of even more of the same losers that my brother had made friends with. My brother began to hang out with a clique of similar minded people, skipping classes and going out drinking and chasing floozy girls. The friends my brother made were a worse influence then the guys before. Back in McLean, they were just a few punks. Of these new guys, two of them were dunderhead types who laughed and got their kicks off of drugs and women. Another was a kleiptomaniac (sp?) and the last was straight dangerous- drugs fried his brain and the guy was the size of a gorilla with an equally short temper. My brother finally lost his own temper at mom (who was a source of constant irritation and anger), and he finally hit her at one point. My brother spent a month in juvenile and was sentenced to anger management classes. Although he never hit her again, his anger would sometimes surge violently anyway. Fast forward to just a year ago, I've moved out of the house for college and he's busy using every excuse to bum money from the parents. Living in his own apartment and working at various jobs he constantly quits. Dad put money to get him a blue collar job, only to see that fail. Then tried to send him to community college (my brother went back for his GED) and watched that fall flat. Working as a waiter, he relatively managed to finally support himself and is constantly mooching off his friends who seem relatively endless. Whenever my brother is backed into a corner financially, he just finds someone to mooch on until they kick him out. As much as I hope he finally hits rock bottom and decide to change, he is like soap, always slipping from reality's grasp. The most recent set of problems occured 11 days ago when he took a plane to Florida with every intention of moving there. Although he had a place and a job lined up, the place is disappearing in 20 days- the landlord gave a month's notice and needs them to move out. Meanwhile, the job promise fell through in the economy. He is currently looking for a job, but sometimes I wonder if the things that occur are just excuses. I would like to help my brother out and genuinely get him started so he can live without worries or crap happening to him. On one hand, I have all the resources I need here, on the other I worry that helping him would enable his behavior. He has mooched off his friends, our parents and one of our sisters to the point that it fails to register in his mind how to change. What I'd like to do is let him stay here with certain conditions and restrictions in order to help him figure out how to better manage his money and discipline himself. I don't want to enable him as a self perpetuated victim and would like some advice as to how to prevent him from letting himself do this.

08-11-2008, 03:47 PM	#2
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	BIG MISTAKE. In his case, he has to hit rock bottom and see how it really is like being a "loser" not having a job or being in college and trying to depend off others. If you let him move in, that'll take a hit to your life and he won't learn.

08-11-2008, 03:58 PM	#4
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	Are you trying to take the place of being a good parent? Someone whos honestly in his shoes, needs to really hit rock bottom hard, or hes going to think someone is always there to help him. Yeh, its good to be family and be there, but your inabling someone who just wants to depend on others and thats not good. If you bring him into your home its like saying, oh its okay you don't need to try to make it on your own I'll help you. Life is tough and he hasn't learned that yet.

08-11-2008, 04:44 PM	#6
redhearts Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 4,623	Hmm. In that case if you want to risk your life, than go for it. But set very strict boundaries and ask him if he really wants to make his life better, that you will give him a place to stay, but within a certain time frame he needs to pay rent or something. Perhaps that could work.