Contemplating Divorce

chuck1 · 07-27-2008, 11:15 PM

I write this more for the cathartic effects, I have no one I can talk to about this. If you have advice to provide, by all means, but don't feel obligated.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We married right out of college, and are now both 29. I have not stepped out on my wife, and she hasn't stepped out on me. On the surface we have a Normal Rockwell marriage. I'm an attorney, she teaches at a top 5 University.

The reasons for my discontent can not be traced to her. After 7 years she still is as in to me as she could be. We don't fight about anything. She's a wonderful wife, but not the right girl, if that makes sense.

We, three times in the past, talked about splitting up. It was always me that brought it up. Once we went to marriage counseling. Each time I chickened out. I'm afraid of hurting her, and I'm afraid of being pathetic and alone for the rest of my life. This is a scary thing. I have wife that loves me more than I deserve. She's pretty, smart and successful. I would give that up on the chance that I might meet someone that I would be happy with? Somehow I feel like I'm going to regret it.

I've been depressed off and on for about 8 years. More on than off. Am I depressed because I'm unhappy with were I am with my marriage, or am I unhappy with my marriage because I'm depressed. I don't have an answer for that.

Things weren't supposed to be like this. I don't want to be a statistic, I don't want to dissapoint our family and friends. She doesn't deserve this.

I'm not making any sense. It's really hard typing this out in any coherent way.

LBP · 07-27-2008, 11:27 PM

If you're depressed, it's a disease... Not something that relies on your significant other. Have you considered investigating medical treatment? Are there other issues at play which cause your marriage to be unhappy? You're being very vague.

John Bendix · 07-27-2008, 11:27 PM

It has been said, "Depression causes divorce as often as divorce causes depression".

Many people go through depression to the point that its affects their life and their decisions. If you have depressed that long, have you sought professional help? You may be viewing your relationship as the reason that you are depressed and unhappy.

There are many different types of clinical depression and some people may have one form or another to differing degrees. The first step to dealing effectively with any depressive disorder is to admit to it. Seeking medical advise may be the next step.

I have been on the other side of the depressed spouse who decided that she was not happy and the relationship was the reason so bye-bye.

Sounds like you have a very nice lady. Maybe she just might deserve having her husband checked out before you pull the plug on the relationship.

Just a thought.

**lady00** · 07-27-2008, 11:38 PM

Well, not having more information than what's in your post, it sounds like the problem is internal, with you, and not really with your marriage. Given what you said, I am pretty sure you would regret it if you got a divorce. Getting a divorce also won't fix the problem you are dealing with. As someone else said, depression is a very serious illness that could very well require treatment if it's going to get any better. First thing's first, get yourself to a doctor.

Caterina · 07-27-2008, 11:44 PM

I agree with the other advice. Start treating your wife like you love her...she deserves it...there are a lot of MEAN MEAN women you could be with out there but you have an intelligent, pretty, sweet woman...are you insane?

Deppression is sometimes another person's fault but sometimes its your own fault...deppression, to me, is often just a result of selfishness.

lapseinjudgement · 07-27-2008, 11:51 PM

Yea i kinda agree with the others. I would say try to talk to a doctor or someone that deals with depression and try to figure it out on the inside. Its a lot easier to try to talk to a professional now than break up with your wife and lose her love and than find out you are much unhappier because of it.
Try to get help first and in the mean time seriously dont take it out on your wife treat her like she deserves it sounds like you know she is a wonderful woman treat her like it! make her happy as you work on yourself too!
Who knows if you open up about being depressed and try not to act like its her fault maybe she can help you find that happiness.

Hollyj · 07-28-2008, 12:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Caterina

Deppression is sometimes another person's fault but sometimes its your own fault...deppression, to me, is often just a result of selfishness.

What???? People do not have control over depression, that's why there is therapy and medication? It's not a state one chooses to be in!

Ellie2006 · 07-28-2008, 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuck1

Am I depressed because I'm unhappy with were I am with my marriage, or am I unhappy with my marriage because I'm depressed. I don't have an answer for that.

I agree with the others. Please do seek counseling with or without your wife BEFORE you pull the plug on your marriage.

You owe it to yourself and your wife and your marriage to figure out where your depression stems from.

AtMyWitsEnd · 07-28-2008, 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuck1

I write this more for the cathartic effects, I have no one I can talk to about this. If you have advice to provide, by all means, but don't feel obligated.

My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We married right out of college, and are now both 29. I have not stepped out on my wife, and she hasn't stepped out on me. On the surface we have a Normal Rockwell marriage. I'm an attorney, she teaches at a top 5 University.

The reasons for my discontent can not be traced to her. After 7 years she still is as in to me as she could be. We don't fight about anything. She's a wonderful wife, but not the right girl, if that makes sense.

We, three times in the past, talked about splitting up. It was always me that brought it up. Once we went to marriage counseling. Each time I chickened out. I'm afraid of hurting her, and I'm afraid of being pathetic and alone for the rest of my life. This is a scary thing. I have wife that loves me more than I deserve. She's pretty, smart and successful. I would give that up on the chance that I might meet someone that I would be happy with? Somehow I feel like I'm going to regret it.

I've been depressed off and on for about 8 years. More on than off. Am I depressed because I'm unhappy with were I am with my marriage, or am I unhappy with my marriage because I'm depressed. I don't have an answer for that.

Things weren't supposed to be like this. I don't want to be a statistic, I don't want to dissapoint our family and friends. She doesn't deserve this.

I'm not making any sense. It's really hard typing this out in any coherent way.

First of all, I want to say I can commiserate with you and that the people here are here to listen, to tell their stories, and to help each other. We are here for you. I'm sorry you are feeling confused and divided. It is something I have suffered, too.

One of my favorite quotes from Socrates is: "He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have. "

I think there is something you feel like you are not getting out of this marriage. It doesn't matter that she's "pretty, smart, successful." I work with pretty, smart, successful people every day. That doesn't mean that qualifies them to be life partners. What else does she offer you that you feel like you will never get from another person?
You said yourself that you're afraid of being alone for the rest of your life. Do you feel yourself so unloveable? It isn't fair to you or to your wife to be in a relationship where you aren't willing to seek counseling to work on your issues within the marriage but you are unwilling to give up the relationship because you don't like the alternative of being alone.

I think maybe you have stuff to work on inside yourself. Since you have chosen to mostly avoid marriage counseling, maybe just counseling for you by yourself and even for your wife by herself would help. If it's beyond that and you want out but just can't bring yourself to do it--you just have to. Sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. It will hurt, it will be hard, but in the long run it will be healthier for both of you than letting things continue the way they have.

Let us know how things are going and how you're feeling. I hope someone here, me or someone else, can help you make some sense of this. You're not alone.

AtMyWitsEnd · 07-28-2008, 12:21 AM

Quote:

I've been depressed off and on for about 8 years. More on than off. Am I depressed because I'm unhappy with were I am with my marriage, or am I unhappy with my marriage because I'm depressed..

I see why people have been addressing the depression aspect. But do you suffer clinical depression or are you just often depressed? There's a difference.
Are you happy with your job? Do you enjoy what you do? There may be issues there.
Do you and your wife have quality time together? Do you play together? A S.O. has to be a friend. Both people have to be there for each other, not just one or the other.
Tell us more so that we can understand better.

07-27-2008, 11:15 PM	#1
chuck1 Offline Join Date: Jul 2008 Posts: 1	Contemplating Divorce I write this more for the cathartic effects, I have no one I can talk to about this. If you have advice to provide, by all means, but don't feel obligated. My wife and I have been married for 7 years. We married right out of college, and are now both 29. I have not stepped out on my wife, and she hasn't stepped out on me. On the surface we have a Normal Rockwell marriage. I'm an attorney, she teaches at a top 5 University. The reasons for my discontent can not be traced to her. After 7 years she still is as in to me as she could be. We don't fight about anything. She's a wonderful wife, but not the right girl, if that makes sense. We, three times in the past, talked about splitting up. It was always me that brought it up. Once we went to marriage counseling. Each time I chickened out. I'm afraid of hurting her, and I'm afraid of being pathetic and alone for the rest of my life. This is a scary thing. I have wife that loves me more than I deserve. She's pretty, smart and successful. I would give that up on the chance that I might meet someone that I would be happy with? Somehow I feel like I'm going to regret it. I've been depressed off and on for about 8 years. More on than off. Am I depressed because I'm unhappy with were I am with my marriage, or am I unhappy with my marriage because I'm depressed. I don't have an answer for that. Things weren't supposed to be like this. I don't want to be a statistic, I don't want to dissapoint our family and friends. She doesn't deserve this. I'm not making any sense. It's really hard typing this out in any coherent way.

07-27-2008, 11:27 PM	#3
John Bendix Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 1,374	It has been said, "Depression causes divorce as often as divorce causes depression". Many people go through depression to the point that its affects their life and their decisions. If you have depressed that long, have you sought professional help? You may be viewing your relationship as the reason that you are depressed and unhappy. There are many different types of clinical depression and some people may have one form or another to differing degrees. The first step to dealing effectively with any depressive disorder is to admit to it. Seeking medical advise may be the next step. I have been on the other side of the depressed spouse who decided that she was not happy and the relationship was the reason so bye-bye. Sounds like you have a very nice lady. Maybe she just might deserve having her husband checked out before you pull the plug on the relationship. Just a thought. __________________ John Bendix is the author of Walking Away from Divorce into Awareness

07-27-2008, 11:38 PM	#4
lady00 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 7,867	Well, not having more information than what's in your post, it sounds like the problem is internal, with you, and not really with your marriage. Given what you said, I am pretty sure you would regret it if you got a divorce. Getting a divorce also won't fix the problem you are dealing with. As someone else said, depression is a very serious illness that could very well require treatment if it's going to get any better. First thing's first, get yourself to a doctor. __________________ "When I fall in love, I take my time." - Jason Mraz "Can't sing but I've got soul." - U2

07-27-2008, 11:44 PM	#5
Caterina Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Posts: 2,100	I agree with the other advice. Start treating your wife like you love her...she deserves it...there are a lot of MEAN MEAN women you could be with out there but you have an intelligent, pretty, sweet woman...are you insane? Deppression is sometimes another person's fault but sometimes its your own fault...deppression, to me, is often just a result of selfishness. __________________ How do they do it, the ones who make love without love? These are the true religious, the purists, the pros, the ones who will not accept a false Messiah, love the priest instead of the God. -- Sharon Olds

07-27-2008, 11:27 PM	#2
LBP Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Posts: 1,643	If you're depressed, it's a disease... Not something that relies on your significant other. Have you considered investigating medical treatment? Are there other issues at play which cause your marriage to be unhappy? You're being very vague.

07-27-2008, 11:51 PM	#6
lapseinjudgement Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Somewhere in my thoughts Gender: Male Posts: 232	Yea i kinda agree with the others. I would say try to talk to a doctor or someone that deals with depression and try to figure it out on the inside. Its a lot easier to try to talk to a professional now than break up with your wife and lose her love and than find out you are much unhappier because of it. Try to get help first and in the mean time seriously dont take it out on your wife treat her like she deserves it sounds like you know she is a wonderful woman treat her like it! make her happy as you work on yourself too! Who knows if you open up about being depressed and try not to act like its her fault maybe she can help you find that happiness.