can't stop arguing

Hi

I've known my wife for five years, been together for nearly two and been married half a year. Anybody seeing us together, usually, thinks we look like the perfect couple, so in love, with our arms around each other and holding hands like a couple of kids, looking into each others eyes and unashamedly kissing and telling each other we love each other. And that's not just a public face, we really are like that and genuinely feel that way about each other; like we're the only thing that matters in each others worlds. We're very much in love and don't see that changing.

But we can't seem to go more than about 24 hours without arguing, and it's been that way for nearly a year. The arguments used to be easily resolved and easily reconciled, but because we haven't been able to stop, they've gotten worse and worse and less and less easy to resolve, and now she's talking about how she might soon have to break up with me if it doesn't stop. I can't seem to break out of the cycle, which I know is mostly my fault, of being really sweet and nice to her and treating her like a queen, and being really mean and switching off and getting angry whenever the slightest thing goes wrong. It's like I'm neither one thing nor the other, I'm either really wonderful or really horrible, and the change can be instantaneous. I didn't used to do that. I used to get a lot nastier when I was really angry, and yell so that people could hear, but I didn't get that angry as often as I do now. I don't yell very much anymore. I raise my voice, but I rarely yell. I just get angry about more things that she does that I used to be able to be really understanding about. She thinks it's because I don't love her as much as I used to, but that really isn't the case. But her saying that is one of the things that makes me angriest. So that creates a vicious circle in itself.

I sometimes think I'm overly stressed because I moved to a whole new country, 5000 miles away from home, in order to live with her, and because the situation in the house here is not ideal; we live with her mother and her 10 year old brother, both of whom yell at each other, at my wife, and now at me. I'm finding it very difficult to really feel like I belong here, what with having to jump through hoops every five seconds for the government, and the fact that, in spite of the fact I'm married, I don't have any real right to be here and it's a 50/50 chance whether I'll end up with a green card or not. And I feel like even though we both keep talking about needing time to ourselves - it's one of the things we argue about most often - I have to negotiate if I want to stay in while she goes out, or go out while she stays in. I also don't feel like anything's mine anymore. It probably is a combination of things.

Mostly, my problem is that I cannot seem to communicate how I feel to her anymore, without it coming out sounding like I'm being mean or accusing her of things or trying to rationalise or justify what I do.

I need to be able to get out of this negative cycle and stop arguing over everything, otherwise we are going to end up separated, or worse, and I really don't want that to happen. I know that if we could just go a couple of weeks without arguing; just a couple of weeks, that the trust we've lost could at the very least begin to be built up again. I don't know what to do, to be honest I'm at my wit's end.

thats a tough one. Have you told her how you are feeling and you have a lot on your plate? Guys react that way when they have a lot bothering them. In your case- being able to work, the stress of moving being away from everything you have ever known, living with her family. Since you have all that on your mind of course you are going to be short, more irritable. And she needs to understand that, and she needs to give you space, and raise your self esteem. When a girl feels like her man is being distant at all or 'down' she is automatically going to think it is her or that you dont love her anymore. So it is important for her to know that you love her and care for her but you just have a lot on your mind. Also have you guys thought about moving to your own place? Getting out of her moms house? That might help a lot too!

Firstly, I think the fact that you live with her family does not help. I KNOW,my husband and my son and I have owned together and lived in a house with my mom and my step dad for 11 years. It is not always easy for sure.

Second, maybe the both of you are getting used to the adrenaline rush from arguing. There is of course the fact that people want to be RIGHT not be together. Maybe both of you should try not to be RIGHT but actually LISTEN to each other. There are always 2 in argument. Try changing how YOU react to conflict. Think before commenting,accusing or yelling. Is it really worth aruging about, that kind of thing. If you change how you react I bet she will too. Cause you can not change how other people are only how YOU are. If you change they will too.Good Luck.