Edge of Divorce Not ready to jump!

MarineDude85 · 07-26-2008, 01:01 AM

A little backstory.

My wife and I got engaged after only a month of dating and a month of being friends prior to that. Things were amazing before we got engaged, sparks flew, spent every minute together... Life was good. Got married and it was still good I thought, we had our fights. We are both young and in the military so we have added stress to take on at times. But to me, things were good with the normal stuff from a young newly wed couple.

Fast forward 4 months and she deploys to Iraq. The last few months were tough. We both sort of distanced each other in preperation for the 7 month seperation. Intimacy was few and far between. The last couple weeks turned around I think because we accept what was going to happen and the last couple weeks were great. For the first 3 months of the deployment I THOUGHT everything was going great. We talked everyday over email, every night over instant messanger, and she called a few times a week.

I was trying to be the best husband I could and support her through this tough journey. Any time she needed something It was in the mail that week. Any and all bills were taken care of. We had started planning our wedding ceremony while she was gone and I was taking on most of the leg work while she did as much as she could online. Things were great I had heard horror stories about always fighting but the first 3 months we didn't fight once!

Then the ex boyfriend comes in... She tells me he emailed her and she emailed him back. They start talking on a daily basis. EVERYDAY. This was not ok with me. It made me uncomfortable and I questioned why they talked so much. They had broken up under good terms about a year prior because he got orders to Japan, so there was no animosity between them and from what she told me their relationship was good. I keep bringing the matter up in the best ways I could, told her it bothered me, asked her to not talk to him so much. She kept telling me were just friends you need to trust me. But My gut was telling me something was up. We continue, a couple weeks later in pops another guy, then another guy. She tells me she is starting to get hit on alot. I expected this, my wife is very attractive. All these new guys coming in, she tells me about them... talks about them more then what seemed normal. She tells me they tell her shes hot... show her alot of attention.

She starts telling me I don't show her enough attention... but we talked twice a day. She gets mad at me cause sometimes I only talk to her for 30-45 min at night... but she cant get on till 11 PM my time and I gotta be up at 5 every day sometimes 4. I tried to talk to her as much as possible but lack of sleep started to take its toll so I had to cut back. I found messages under her pictures on myspace from one of the guys about how sexy she is and she goes to the gym with him and says they have a lot of fun joking around together. The guys shes talking to are all (from a guys perspective) very good looking guys that i'm sure know how to sweet talk a girl. I persist that this is a problem and she starts to tell me i'm insecure and need to trust her that they are just friends... But if she knows these guys are attracted to her and she enjoys being around them... And that I'm a million miles away to me this is just a bad recipe for a new young marriage. My emotions start spinning out of control. One day I'm telling her we should get a divorce the next day I tell her lets work it out. I started to seek therapy. I want to trust her but my Gut is telling me other wise.

Oh I forgot, two weeks after she started talking to the ex and right when the next couple guys came into the picture she tells me sometimes she wishes she was single... that we got married to young... Why would anyone want to be single except for the soul purpose that they can do things that they can't do with their spouse? Our marriage was good up untill the guys came in, I supported her to the best of my ability... So it wasn't that I was cheating or neglecting her or partying all the time. All her reasons for wanting to be single had nothing to do with our relationship. Things only got worse as my emotions started to take over and I couldn't tell down from up and left from right... I can tell I started to push her away because I was constantly saying we can work through this wait till you get back to make decisions etc. Finally after me flip flopping to her everyday she tells me she can't handle it anymore and wants a divorce and proceeds to make it seem like the whole reason for this was all me and i'm to insecure and I can't make up my mind but Holy * * * * she came to me FIRST when EVERYTHING was going GOOD and started talking about seperating... Like I said this all started within the span of 3 weeks of talking to her ex again and meeting new guys.

Let me say my wife has pretty low self esteem, before we started dating she always surrounded herself with the best looking guys and they all wooed over her but as far as I know she never slept around... makes sense cause she never really enjoyed sex.

Am I justified In believing that... even though she might not be cheating physically she is cheating emotionally and is seeking that "boost" to her self esteem from all these guys that she is no longer getting from me? Am I justified to just say F*ck her and speak to an attourny? Since the day she told me she started talking to him I knew something was different about her. She says I'm insecure but I just think I'm alergic to BullSh*t and I've been sneezing for the last 2 months.

What do you guys think? I'm not some saint by any means but do you think my feelings are justified?

Sorry for the long post just had to rant, hopefully some of you will take the time to read it

MarineDude85 · 07-26-2008, 02:26 AM

Tonight I'm cleaning up my house. It has been a mess since she left and it's time for a change. I was cleaning up all her stuff and putting it into one closet. I plan to make everything into boxes so that when she gets back it is quick and easy.

As I'm going through all her stuff I keep finding all kinds of things from her past. From tons and tons of old movie stubs, pictures of ex boyfriends and her, letters, poems etc etc. I'm talking tons of stuff pretty much everything she has accumulated in past relationships. Even things such as old flowers given to her from at least a couple years ago.

Is this normal? I have hardly any stuff from past relationships. To me its in the past I don't have a single picture of ex gfs. Is this normal behavior for females to cling to everything from the past? I can't help but think even more about her and her ex boyfriend she still has tons of articles from their relationship.

Someone comment please before I lose my mind!

AtMyWitsEnd · 07-26-2008, 10:00 PM

Hey. My marriage just fell apart under me but I am, was, the wife. Hurts to write that. Was.
Anyway, I had a bunch of momentos from previous relationships, not a ton, but several. I got rid of them at my husband's request. They weren't perverted or anything, just sweet letters from guys back in high school, guys who were friends as well as boyfriends.
It seems like your wife just got dissatisfied with marriage, for whatever reason. From what you wrote, she may very well have resented getting married at a young age. It may not be you, sorry to say. It may be all in her head. She has low self esteem, you say? I used to have that problem. Those women do tend to have promiscuous periods in their lives--it helps them to feel loved. I was no exception. She may have been that way in the past.
The thing I have learned from all of this is that you can not ever trust that another person will love you the same way you love them. They either already DO, or they never will. You can't talk a person into seeing the truth about his or herself. They have to do it on their own.

Don't go crazy. People are here and reading. Just takes a bit.

07-26-2008, 01:01 AM	#1
MarineDude85 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Southern Cali Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 41	Edge of Divorce Not ready to jump! A little backstory. My wife and I got engaged after only a month of dating and a month of being friends prior to that. Things were amazing before we got engaged, sparks flew, spent every minute together... Life was good. Got married and it was still good I thought, we had our fights. We are both young and in the military so we have added stress to take on at times. But to me, things were good with the normal stuff from a young newly wed couple. Fast forward 4 months and she deploys to Iraq. The last few months were tough. We both sort of distanced each other in preperation for the 7 month seperation. Intimacy was few and far between. The last couple weeks turned around I think because we accept what was going to happen and the last couple weeks were great. For the first 3 months of the deployment I THOUGHT everything was going great. We talked everyday over email, every night over instant messanger, and she called a few times a week. I was trying to be the best husband I could and support her through this tough journey. Any time she needed something It was in the mail that week. Any and all bills were taken care of. We had started planning our wedding ceremony while she was gone and I was taking on most of the leg work while she did as much as she could online. Things were great I had heard horror stories about always fighting but the first 3 months we didn't fight once! Then the ex boyfriend comes in... She tells me he emailed her and she emailed him back. They start talking on a daily basis. EVERYDAY. This was not ok with me. It made me uncomfortable and I questioned why they talked so much. They had broken up under good terms about a year prior because he got orders to Japan, so there was no animosity between them and from what she told me their relationship was good. I keep bringing the matter up in the best ways I could, told her it bothered me, asked her to not talk to him so much. She kept telling me were just friends you need to trust me. But My gut was telling me something was up. We continue, a couple weeks later in pops another guy, then another guy. She tells me she is starting to get hit on alot. I expected this, my wife is very attractive. All these new guys coming in, she tells me about them... talks about them more then what seemed normal. She tells me they tell her shes hot... show her alot of attention. She starts telling me I don't show her enough attention... but we talked twice a day. She gets mad at me cause sometimes I only talk to her for 30-45 min at night... but she cant get on till 11 PM my time and I gotta be up at 5 every day sometimes 4. I tried to talk to her as much as possible but lack of sleep started to take its toll so I had to cut back. I found messages under her pictures on myspace from one of the guys about how sexy she is and she goes to the gym with him and says they have a lot of fun joking around together. The guys shes talking to are all (from a guys perspective) very good looking guys that i'm sure know how to sweet talk a girl. I persist that this is a problem and she starts to tell me i'm insecure and need to trust her that they are just friends... But if she knows these guys are attracted to her and she enjoys being around them... And that I'm a million miles away to me this is just a bad recipe for a new young marriage. My emotions start spinning out of control. One day I'm telling her we should get a divorce the next day I tell her lets work it out. I started to seek therapy. I want to trust her but my Gut is telling me other wise. Oh I forgot, two weeks after she started talking to the ex and right when the next couple guys came into the picture she tells me sometimes she wishes she was single... that we got married to young... Why would anyone want to be single except for the soul purpose that they can do things that they can't do with their spouse? Our marriage was good up untill the guys came in, I supported her to the best of my ability... So it wasn't that I was cheating or neglecting her or partying all the time. All her reasons for wanting to be single had nothing to do with our relationship. Things only got worse as my emotions started to take over and I couldn't tell down from up and left from right... I can tell I started to push her away because I was constantly saying we can work through this wait till you get back to make decisions etc. Finally after me flip flopping to her everyday she tells me she can't handle it anymore and wants a divorce and proceeds to make it seem like the whole reason for this was all me and i'm to insecure and I can't make up my mind but Holy * * * * she came to me FIRST when EVERYTHING was going GOOD and started talking about seperating... Like I said this all started within the span of 3 weeks of talking to her ex again and meeting new guys. Let me say my wife has pretty low self esteem, before we started dating she always surrounded herself with the best looking guys and they all wooed over her but as far as I know she never slept around... makes sense cause she never really enjoyed sex. Am I justified In believing that... even though she might not be cheating physically she is cheating emotionally and is seeking that "boost" to her self esteem from all these guys that she is no longer getting from me? Am I justified to just say Fck her and speak to an attourny? Since the day she told me she started talking to him I knew something was different about her. She says I'm insecure but I just think I'm alergic to BullSht and I've been sneezing for the last 2 months. What do you guys think? I'm not some saint by any means but do you think my feelings are justified? Sorry for the long post just had to rant, hopefully some of you will take the time to read it Last edited by MarineDude85; 07-26-2008 at 02:58 AM.

07-26-2008, 02:26 AM	#2
MarineDude85 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Southern Cali Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 41	Tonight I'm cleaning up my house. It has been a mess since she left and it's time for a change. I was cleaning up all her stuff and putting it into one closet. I plan to make everything into boxes so that when she gets back it is quick and easy. As I'm going through all her stuff I keep finding all kinds of things from her past. From tons and tons of old movie stubs, pictures of ex boyfriends and her, letters, poems etc etc. I'm talking tons of stuff pretty much everything she has accumulated in past relationships. Even things such as old flowers given to her from at least a couple years ago. Is this normal? I have hardly any stuff from past relationships. To me its in the past I don't have a single picture of ex gfs. Is this normal behavior for females to cling to everything from the past? I can't help but think even more about her and her ex boyfriend she still has tons of articles from their relationship. Someone comment please before I lose my mind!

07-26-2008, 10:00 PM	#3
AtMyWitsEnd Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Texas Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 60	Hey. My marriage just fell apart under me but I am, was, the wife. Hurts to write that. Was. Anyway, I had a bunch of momentos from previous relationships, not a ton, but several. I got rid of them at my husband's request. They weren't perverted or anything, just sweet letters from guys back in high school, guys who were friends as well as boyfriends. It seems like your wife just got dissatisfied with marriage, for whatever reason. From what you wrote, she may very well have resented getting married at a young age. It may not be you, sorry to say. It may be all in her head. She has low self esteem, you say? I used to have that problem. Those women do tend to have promiscuous periods in their lives--it helps them to feel loved. I was no exception. She may have been that way in the past. The thing I have learned from all of this is that you can not ever trust that another person will love you the same way you love them. They either already DO, or they never will. You can't talk a person into seeing the truth about his or herself. They have to do it on their own. Don't go crazy. People are here and reading. Just takes a bit.