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What do you think about "casually" dating your ex?


giggle3474

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I would like to get back together with my ex. I am going to be fighting a battle to not resume my old patterns of being needy and controlling and just 'too much' of a girlfriend. Im thinking he might be more amicable to the idea if I were to suggest that we casually date (no commitment, no title) for a bit and just see how it goes. Meanwhile I will be showcasing the new me who is confident and has a life of her own outside of him and is a pretty terrific girl.

 

My only problem would be that it is already going to take some real effort on my part to not be the clingy chick he broke up with. And if I knew he were treating this relationship as casual, I think that insecurity would be that much harder to ignore. And even if he is not, in reality, seeing someone else, I may suspect that he is and I almost feel like I could be setting myself up for failure.

 

Would I be "settling" to accept this type of relationship? What if I put a time limit on it (say a month) and when the month is up, I tell him - "look, we have been having a great time. I'm so glad to have you in my life and I would really like us to get back together." And then he can choose whether or not he is on board.

 

I would love to have him back, but not at any cost. So I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not?? On the flip side, it can be a probationary period for me to really get in there and put the "new me" to the test. I think that even after, if he decided that he did not want to persue exclusivity, I would be ok with that because all along I would have been persuing my own life and creating my own happiness - separate from him.

 

Any words of advice from my fellow ENA ers??

 

thank u!

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DO NOT DO THIS! Please take it from me, as I just went through this same experience with my ex. It will not work and I think we are kidding ourselves to think that it will. You need time apart to heal and it's hard to become stronger and more confident when you are wrapped up with him.

 

Unless you have already spent a good time apart, I really advise against this. Please read any of my past threads to get an idea. Obviously, you are not me and it could be different, but ti already sounds like you'd be settling.

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No, I doubt I would casually date anyone except him. But I just thought he may feel less pressure and be more comfortable if I didn't represent an "obligation". I figured since in essense, we would be starting over, we should make it be how it was when we first met. We weren't boyfriend and girlfriend from the very first date. It took time to grow into that. My hope was that if we could create something new and learn from past mistakes we could grow back into the couple we had been (only better)

 

Make sense? or still not a good idea?

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How long have you been apart? Have you remained in contact the whole time?

 

I don't know, just the fact that you mention several times you'll have to be fighting against your insecurities and being clingy, is a red flag. And I think to start new would be better if you just reintroduced yourself into his life and sussed it out, rather than making it such a formal arrangement from the get go. Do you have any idea what he's feeling?

 

After reading your old threads it sounds like your ex really wants space: Give it to him. I didn't and lost out as a result. Even casually dating is crossing a person's want for time apart, I think.

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Still not a good idea because you would be sacrificing what you want. He very well may feel less pressure but you would feel like total crap for ignoring your own desires. Yes it is still a bad idea. I would suggest you stop trying to convince yourself that it's a good idea, because deep down, you know it isn't.

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I tried this, didn't work. All you'll be doing is giving them the message that it's okay for them to date others (since you are no longer exclusive), and then it'll happen - you'll find them unreachable because they're out with another person - and this will crush you.

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I am going to go against the grain here - I think you should do it. You would have to be very, very strong to not let your insecurities show and become clingy. But this can be done. If the alternative is not having him at all, you should do it. This will allow him to see the "new" you and be that much more drawn to you. It would take some time as he would want to make sure it isn't a temporary thing. Optimally, he would start reaching out to you more, etc.

 

How long have you two been broken up?

 

What is the current situation (communication, seeing each other, etc.)?

 

Do you know how receptive he would be to this idea? have you ever discussed it with him?

 

Answers to these questions impact how strongly I recommend you follow through with this, but either way I do think you should try it. The longer you've been apart, the more strongly I recommend it.

 

Good Luck!

-CR

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I offered up casual dating as an approach to my ex shortly after we first broke up.

 

During the days leading to our originally-mutual breakup, I had suggested we 'take a break' which she interpreted as 'break up forever and forever.' We met up 8 or 9 days later and I asked, why not date once or twice a week, talk on the phone, etc., because our busy schedules are making it really hard to meet up all the time.

 

She wasn't receptive to it. Went on a dating site the next day. ](*,)

 

but to answer the question, I would have been down with it if only because I think it would have been a good way to get through that trouble period; I thought it would lead back to our former intimacy

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I guess I just don't see the point of casually dating an ex.

 

If it's clear that the relationship wouldn't work then why waste time?

 

 

I think most of us would approach with the motive that you can make it into a long term relationship. Same reason many accept the "friend" status after being dumped.

 

Foolish yes, but love makes you do crazy things.

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I think most of us would approach with the motive that you can make it into a long term relationship. Same reason many accept the "friend" status after being dumped.

 

Foolish yes, but love makes you do crazy things.

 

I guess...

 

And sometimes it has a positive outcome.

 

But from my experience, it moreso gives the two people involved the chance to see each other at their convenience with few rules, boundaries, expectations... Because afterall.. They aren't "in" a relationship.

 

I don't know.. I just don't sign up to casually date or "be friends" with an ex. I guess I'm a little stubborn in that way.

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I don't know.. I just don't sign up to casually date or "be friends" with an ex. I guess I'm a little stubborn in that way.

 

 

Totally agree with you.

 

Casual dating would certainly make me think about it but in the end I would more than likely decline. Too much history. I'd rather move on to someone who is willing to give as I'm will to give.

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Giggle, I went back and read your prior posts. To me, it looks like this break is about HIM, not you or anything you have done wrong or need to remedy. You say:

 

'He says he has very minor problems with the relationship and there is nothing I

need to 'fix' or 'make better' because the quality of the relationship isn't in

question'.

 

Then he goes on to say he is not sure he even wants to be in a relationship. So it sounds like it isn't about you, its about something going on in him.

 

The other problem is that many times when people decide they need to leave a relationship, they aren't always fully honest. They try to sugarcoat the real reason to make an easier getaway or to try to perserve your feelings. Perhaps they are interested in another person and want to pursue them, or they have fallen out of love with you and just want to be free, or they've decided you're just not the person for them. They don't want the anger if you know you've being dumped for someone else, and they don't want the drama, tears, and pain caused by saying, 'sorry, i just don't love you anymore,' or 'sorry, i never loved you enough to get serious.' So they try to sneak away and hope by the time they are really gone, you are used to them not being around anymore. So they ease out the door rather than slam it in your face.

 

So you are thinking it is because you are clingy and controlling, but that is YOUR conclusion about yourself, not what he has said. And you are desparately trying to get a foothold back into his life, when he has made it clear that is not what he wants at this time.

 

And usually, you can't become a 'whole new you' to present to him just a week after a breakup. It really is more you are desparately trying to find something or anything that is a good excuse to get back together, including 'casual' dating because you are so upset by the breakup and don't want it. The mind can play tricks sometimes, and it feels easier for you if you are in control of the breakup (i.e., 'if i just fix this we will be fine') rather than the real circumstance, which is he IS in control because he decided he wanted the break, and there is nothing you could change to change him.

 

He most likely will see thru this attempt on your part to just casual date and 'prove' you aren't clingy, and he most likely will not go for it, if a break is what he really wants. And if a breakup is what he is really after (and he just hasn't broken that news to you in finality), then this might just be counterproductive to your healing and moving on.

 

So i suggest you give him his space for a month, and at the end of the month, ask to talk to him and ask him how the month went for him, and whether he is feeling inclined to break up or get back together.

 

Meanwhile you work on learning to develop your own independence from him, and if you genuinely felt too clingy and controlling, put that change into action by NOT trying to control or cling to him at all during this break, just move forward and show him you are able to be on your own and manage just fine.

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How long have you two been broken up?

 

What is the current situation (communication, seeing each other, etc.)?

 

Do you know how receptive he would be to this idea? have you ever discussed it with him?

 

Answers to these questions impact how strongly I recommend you follow through with this, but either way I do think you should try it. The longer you've been apart, the more strongly I recommend it.

 

Good Luck!

-CR

 

We have only been broken up a week.

 

The current situation has been NC for the last week. We went to dinner last night to have the talk. (I'll post about that seperatley) We are going away for the weekend (supposedly non romantic) for his birthday.

 

I mentioned it to him last night and he was receptive but he wants time to himself right now so he said maybe in about a month.

 

I just don't know what to do...

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Bestrongbehappy...

 

Great post and thank you for the insight. Yes I realized a lot in the week. I do feel confident about my realization and am making strides to be the new me. But my decision to do that was to better myself for myself, not him. If he was receptive to the change, that would have just been a bonus, ya know?

 

I suppose there is a chance that he is not being completley honest with me and just wants to let me down gently. However, he has always been a very trustworthy person and has been super honest even if the honesty hurt or even if it wasn't to his benefit to be honest. We met for dinner last night and I told him about the way I was feeling and that I would like to get back together and that I thought it would be different. He said it's only been a week, he still wants time to himself to just be himself. He said his logic tells him that he should be with me, that he would be happy and that would be the right move for him but his emotions bring doubt and fear and he wants this time to analyze that so that if and when we get back together, he will have felt that it was the right decision for him.

 

So after this weekend, I will probably go NC for a month and then come back and re-evaluate where we stand. I did mention the possibilty of casually dating again while we get to know each other again so that we can start over. He was open to that but just not at this time. (and until we are commited, no sex. I told him he had to buy the cow before he got the milk.) But I told him that if he wants to keep the relationship open to date others, that meant I could also date others and I don't think he was very happy with that...

 

But I am just going to continue working on me and being the best me I can. And I hope that we do get back together and I hope that the fact that we are taking time for ourselves will prove to have been beneficial in the long run. Hopefully we end up healthier and happier then before.

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Giggle, I know it's hard to lose someone you love. It's difficult to comprehend that someone you have deep feelings for doesn't want to be with you. The initial instict is to "fix" yourself to be right for him. You recognise that you were needy and clingy and if you change this behaviour then somehow he will come back to you.

 

Think about your actions for a second. It's only been a week since you parted and already you are wanting back in his life. Thats already being clingy. You've offered yourself to him and he has rejected the idea. You want to casually date him? How can you go from a deep and meaningful relationship to casually dating someone?

 

Your giving him so many options and he isn't giving you any.

 

You said "But I am just going to continue working on me and being the best me I can. And I hope that we do get back together and I hope that the fact that we are taking time for ourselves will prove to have been beneficial in the long run. Hopefully we end up healthier and happier then before

 

How can you possibly be working on you when your ultimate goal is to reconcile with him? Working on yourself means putting him last and putting you first. Maybe you should learn why you were clingy in the first place. Is it low self esteem? Do you feel like you can't be on your own? Do you think you have to be in a relationship to be happy?

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It's pointless to date your ex. You two broke up for a reason, and staying in that sort of close contact will only prevent you from healing or moving on. You are trading off...short term comfort and relief for long term starvation. Don't do it.

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If you have been apart for a LONG time then maybe yes I would say do it, but you have to be careful. YOU may think its a "date" they may think its just "friends".

 

It dangerous, the reason why I say a long time is because by then you have had a chance to heal, maybe make mistakes, the love still might be there, but after a week no. A year maybe. Well thats my opinion.

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I was in a very similar situation a few months ago.. you can read my post and the responses . I opted not to go forward with it, and instead went to NC. It was very very painful, but I am 100% sure it was the right decision for me. In the months since, I have changed a lot, and even my perception of him has changed. I have moments now of missing aspects of him, but for the most part am so damn grateful I am out of that relationship and did not put myself through more suffering..

 

My advice is similar to some of the others- go NC as much as you can, and if in the future you want to try dating him fine- but give yourself some time to value yourself again without him!

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