My husband is giving me a hard time about counseling

kate2660 · 07-13-2008, 04:17 PM

Okay, my husband and I have been married for 11 months, together for seven years and living together for three. The past three years have been not so good: temper tantrums (him), heavy marijuana use (him), violent outbursts (him) and financial irresponsibility......and I also have my own set of issues: loss of attraction to him, not into having sex with him, going out with my girlfriends a lot, staying out late, and not to mention the years of babying him and his tantrums. Basically we are on a path to divorce or years and years of misery. I can't live like this, he doesn't want to either. Therefore, it is time for counseling.

I made my first appointment with a counselor....he wouldn't come. He knows and even said we need to go, but he says he isn't ready. BOOOHOOO! You'll never be ready....really who is ever ready for counseling. Yea, it might be awkward and scary, but it is the ONLY answer in order for us to survive. So, I went by myself. Now, it is his turn to meet with our new counselor this coming week but he won't tell me what day to make the appointment yet b/c he isn't sure what his schedule is like....<> he's just prolonging it as long as he can.

What should I do? If he doesn't go, I have no choice but to go myself and try to work on ME. but the thing is.....what does that say about how he feels about this marriage if he cannot even try AT ALL?

I'm so lost. I don't want to be 27 and divorced.....

Supa_gurl · 07-13-2008, 04:23 PM

I understand how you are feeling. A similar thing happened to me about 6 years ago. When my husband refused to go, I did. I worked on myself. Got diagnosed with clinical depression, so that was helpful to know. Fast forward a few years now, and he is struggling to keep me. He will do anything to save us. Now we dont have the means to go to counseling. That bites! So we are striving to do it ourselves. Wish us luck!

DN · 07-13-2008, 04:24 PM

I think rather than saying things like "BooHoo" and "babying him" you might do better to find out why he doesn't want to go. It could be because he feels that you are going to try and enlist the counsellor on your side to validate all the things you find wrong with him and hold him in the same sort of contempt you are showing for him. No one likes to feel they are going to be ganged up on.

If he feels that you are going to see a neutral adviser or facilitator who will help you both find out how to manage your lives and relationship in a better way for both of you without helping anyone beat up the other verbally you might find he would be more willing to go.

Loki71 · 07-13-2008, 05:36 PM

Quote:

It could be because he feels that you are going to try and enlist the counsellor on your side to validate all the things you find wrong with him and hold him in the same sort of contempt you are showing for him.

I agree but it also could be he's afraid of what you will learn while there like maybe you don't need or want him anymore. I know for me it's scary and I feel like I am going to get blamed for everything and that my wife would be better off without me. It scares the hell out of me to think she will findout that out about us.

NowandZen · 07-13-2008, 08:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kate2660

I'm so lost. I don't want to be 27 and divorced.....

Who does? I would do the individual counseling anyway. Whatever happens, nothing bad will come of more self-awareness on your part.

IC may help you to decide if you want to stay in this marriage.

kate2660 · 07-14-2008, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

I think rather than saying things like "BooHoo" and "babying him" you might do better to find out why he doesn't want to go. It could be because he feels that you are going to try and enlist the counsellor on your side to validate all the things you find wrong with him and hold him in the same sort of contempt you are showing for him. No one likes to feel they are going to be ganged up on.

If he feels that you are going to see a neutral adviser or facilitator who will help you both find out how to manage your lives and relationship in a better way for both of you without helping anyone beat up the other verbally you might find he would be more willing to go.

I say boohooo because I am so tired of his excuses. I understand they may be valid reasons in his eyes, but there is a time when you just have to step up, suck it up and do something because you know you have to. I have allowed myself to be manipulated by my husband for years. He has made me look like a complete fool and well, now I'm taking control. Someone has to step it up. I absolutely do not want him to feel ganged up on and I told our counselor this too. Since my last post, my husband has agreed to meet with her one on one so he can "catch up" to my last session. Then we will meet together. I want him to feel comfortable and safe and that he can say anything he feels.

i hope this works out for us...

good luck to you too!

DN · 07-14-2008, 01:40 PM

Well, I would not advise to go from being manipulated to being aggressive as it probably won't serve you in the long run - there is a vast difference between aggressive and assertive.

No one should be 'in control' of a relationship - that puts it out of balance and to swing from one person being in control to the other means that it is still out of balance.

If you and your husband go into counselling with positive attitudes and with much less anger and hostility I think you may find that it is more likely to succeed.

07-13-2008, 04:17 PM	#1
kate2660 Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 46	My husband is giving me a hard time about counseling Okay, my husband and I have been married for 11 months, together for seven years and living together for three. The past three years have been not so good: temper tantrums (him), heavy marijuana use (him), violent outbursts (him) and financial irresponsibility......and I also have my own set of issues: loss of attraction to him, not into having sex with him, going out with my girlfriends a lot, staying out late, and not to mention the years of babying him and his tantrums. Basically we are on a path to divorce or years and years of misery. I can't live like this, he doesn't want to either. Therefore, it is time for counseling. I made my first appointment with a counselor....he wouldn't come. He knows and even said we need to go, but he says he isn't ready. BOOOHOOO! You'll never be ready....really who is ever ready for counseling. Yea, it might be awkward and scary, but it is the ONLY answer in order for us to survive. So, I went by myself. Now, it is his turn to meet with our new counselor this coming week but he won't tell me what day to make the appointment yet b/c he isn't sure what his schedule is like....<> he's just prolonging it as long as he can. What should I do? If he doesn't go, I have no choice but to go myself and try to work on ME. but the thing is.....what does that say about how he feels about this marriage if he cannot even try AT ALL? I'm so lost. I don't want to be 27 and divorced..... Last edited by avman; 07-13-2008 at 05:22 PM. Reason: Language

07-13-2008, 04:24 PM	#3
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	I think rather than saying things like "BooHoo" and "babying him" you might do better to find out why he doesn't want to go. It could be because he feels that you are going to try and enlist the counsellor on your side to validate all the things you find wrong with him and hold him in the same sort of contempt you are showing for him. No one likes to feel they are going to be ganged up on. If he feels that you are going to see a neutral adviser or facilitator who will help you both find out how to manage your lives and relationship in a better way for both of you without helping anyone beat up the other verbally you might find he would be more willing to go. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

07-14-2008, 01:40 PM	#7
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	Well, I would not advise to go from being manipulated to being aggressive as it probably won't serve you in the long run - there is a vast difference between aggressive and assertive. No one should be 'in control' of a relationship - that puts it out of balance and to swing from one person being in control to the other means that it is still out of balance. If you and your husband go into counselling with positive attitudes and with much less anger and hostility I think you may find that it is more likely to succeed. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

07-13-2008, 04:23 PM	#2
Supa_gurl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Wasting away in San An-tone Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 1,496	I understand how you are feeling. A similar thing happened to me about 6 years ago. When my husband refused to go, I did. I worked on myself. Got diagnosed with clinical depression, so that was helpful to know. Fast forward a few years now, and he is struggling to keep me. He will do anything to save us. Now we dont have the means to go to counseling. That bites! So we are striving to do it ourselves. Wish us luck!