I Hate My Mother.

eTired · 07-11-2008, 03:07 PM

For a quick background on the situation between my mother an me.

When I was about 12 years old, she explained to me that she was in fact into the drugs (which I later found out was a common thing in her past, as was dealing), and that she felt I should know. As time progressed, she got deeper
and deeper into the habit of using and dealing. I have problems at school and have no one to turn to as my mother is occupied with different things, so I stop going at the end of 7th grade and shortly after have to start taking care of my mother and my sister's first born.

My mother eventually breaks with her husband over the drug issues and more, and the family falls apart all over my sister and the protection that my mother gives her against yet another boyfriend that beats her up. By this time my sister has had her second child with a different father.

My mother eventually got sick with osteomielitis and nearly died and went through months and months of rehabilitation as the drug dealings and cookings were being conducted at home. We were almost raided several times, but one kinda interesting thing did happen. I find out that my uncle was involved with some people who knew or was involved with the Oklahoma City bombing, and some producers from CBS come to the house looking for my uncle. I also find out that people involved with that same militant group of people have been in and and out of the house.

A few other things happen that I will omit.

My mother loses her job as a result of her drug use, (I find out later that she had been using my urine she has been collecting under the guise of her "learning how to do the test herself" to pass her own UA tests at work) her marriage falls apart, and the house is slowly slipping into foreclosure, all the other bills are far past due, utilities are being shut off, including the water one time when my mother went on a drug dealing trip to a city a few hours away, and I was left with my nephew (sisters first born) and no water, no food and no means to do anything about it when I was 14 years old.

I continue to support my mother, raise my nephew, and act as body guard.

As a result of the drug users and cookings in and out of the house, I end up stepping on a syringe needle after my shower that was left in the bathroom by the drug users that frequent the house, and I freak out. I run to tell my mother and she blows me off and goes back to sleep. Shortly after that we go to that same city for a drug deal, and I am a wreck the entire day and for years after that. (that was about 13 years ago, and I am not dead....yet).

So as things fall apart, and I am watching my nephew while my mom is gone, and trying to play bodyguard to my mother and the house during her drug dealings, things eventually fall apart. The house is foreclosed on. We are evicted and stay at a motel for a few months, and then bounce from house to house, burning bridge after bridge.

The day of my 16th birthday I get my license, and finally am able to drive legally. That same day we receive an annual child support payment from my father to the tune of about 1,200 dollars. My mother rents a car, buys me a few books, and I ask to use the car for my first day of being 16.

She takes the car to that same city and leaves me with my nephew in some lady's house that we are staying at, the same lady she went to that city with to make a drug deal.

I wait, and hope that she is back in time so I can use the car. My mother doesn't show up until 3 or 4 or so in the morning, and all the money is gone and they tell me that they got ripped off.

I take the car and wander a bit for my pissed off and uneventful 16th birthday. My mother did buy me a small piece of weed though, yay me.

A little less than a year or so later, she gets arrested a few times, and eventually gets sent off to jail for a probation violation. I am abandoned and spend several weeks in our abandoned car outside of the house my sister is now staying at. I am broke, and ask for some water and my sister and her husband laugh at me, but they do give me water.

Eventually and end up staying with a newly found girlfriend's friend's family for about 2 years, and end up being molested by the mother of that family several times while my mother is sending me letters in the mail asking for me to put speed on the back of the envelope for her to get high in jail.

I am only telling of the big details, there is more, but this is long as it is.

Let's fast forward a bit. I spend my time trying to find places to live and trying to hold a job and trying to reconcile my life. My mom is a wreck physically, but she is off the drugs but on methadone, she is living stably in Phoenix near the little bit of family we have, but I live in Montana.

Today, I get into an arguement with my mother over her not listening or being very supportive during my recent breakup with my GF. I tell her that I always have to repeat myself, that my concerns are being blown off, that I feel isolated from the so called family that we have.

She tells me that I call just looking for a fight all the time, to which I correct her and remind her of the support I offered her in the past and recently with her recent health scare, and tell her that she never offered me that support. I tell her that she always blames me for everything.

I ask her if any of that is incorrect, and she says, "what?" I ask again and she says, "what?" again. I ask her if she is listening and she says no she wasn't that time.

I then get real pissed off and tell her that she doesn't listen, she isn't supportive, and that it always ends up being my fault every damn time. She eventually tells me to f-off and she hangs up. That was a few minutes ago.

Tell me, should it be so surprising to her that I get pissed at her easy, and that she is not a good mother, and that when I need support during a hard time for me that she should be willing to listen and take my crap after all that I have put up with for her?

Apparently not according to her. Maybe I am asking too much.

I am so pissed off right now I want to kill someone.

rosephase · 07-11-2008, 03:19 PM

What seems surprising to me is you would expect anything else from her. I think she has made it really clear what kind of person she is, and if you keep looking to her for that kind of support and love you are just going to keep hurting yourself. You need to make a new family, one that you pick. Friends and girlfriends, people who can give back. And stop killing yourself over something that your mom has never given you, and will never give you. The respect and love and support that you deserve.

greywolf · 07-11-2008, 03:23 PM

hmmm... Well, I don't think anyone is asking for too much in wishing for a supportive family. But honestly, I think you just can't expect that from her. She has never been supportive her whole life and she probably never will be. I know she's your mom and that's why you want a better relationship with her, but she is just not that kind of person.

KAT MOMMY · 07-11-2008, 03:24 PM

I am so sorry honey-damn I know it hurts like hell but I am here if you need someone to talk to. I don't think that you should hate her because you are only allowed one mother in this lifetime and even though she is a crazed woman you still have to respect the fact that she gave birth to you. As for the things that happened in the past-you may need to go to counseling to resolve those long-standing issues. You are an adult now and be happy that you are alive-its a blessing. Things is you have to be strong all on your own merit-I want to say more but I'd rather speak in private-PM me OK?

**BellaDonna** · 07-11-2008, 03:25 PM

I am sorry about your pain. Someone very near and dear to me has a mom just like yours. I know how hard it can be to be raised by a mother who is addicted to drugs and clueless about what it means to "mother" a child.

All I can say is that I believe in justice. Just because someone is blood -related to you does not mean that you have to let them have a toxic influence on your life.

It's OKAY to close your mom out if she causes you pain. Maybe you don't want to shut her out 100%, but give her very limited influence over your life and happiness. She has not made you a priority in her life and has done some very hurtful things, so you not be expected to make her a priority in your life. You don't have to call her. You don't have to see her. You don't have to forgive her. It's okay. You should not spend your life bearing unearned guilt. It's so tempting to say "But she's MY MOTHER- I have to talk to her" But the truth is that she did not fulfill her motherly role so she does not deserve any of the recognition or benefits that go along with being "your mother".

You called her because there is a piece of you that still has some hope that she'll have a "shining moment"- a brief moment where she will listen to you and act like "a mom"- so you can find a reason to have her in your life. She fails the test each time.

There will probably always be a part of you that longs for "a mom". Although you can't change the past, you can change the future. You don't have to let her hurt you anymore. Do whatever feels morally right to you- maybe you can't shut her out 100% and feel ok with that- but make your contact with her extremely limited. I had mentioned there was someone near and dear to me that has a mom just like yours- and he has extremely limited contact with his mother. It has helped his life immensely.

You don't have to let her mistakes shape your future. Don't let her "in" anymore. Don't give her the chance to fail another test.

Take care,

BellaDonna

KAT MOMMY · 07-11-2008, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rosephase

What seems surprising to me is you would expect anything else from her. I think she has made it really clear what kind of person she is, and if you keep looking to her for that kind of support and love you are just going to keep hurting yourself. You need to make a new family, one that you pick. Friends and girlfriends, people who can give back. And stop killing yourself over something that your mom has never given you, and will never give you. The respect and love and support that you deserve.

Easier said then done-this is his MOTHER-he is a male child what do you expect him to do. I would continue to try as well because he loves her. He wants her to care, he needs her to be there to listen to him and as with all of us we need support from those who are a part of us.

eTired · 07-11-2008, 03:26 PM

It's possible that I am just an angry person looking for a fight with her, that everything is somehow, in some bizarre way my fault.

But considering the damage that she has done to me in my life during the most developmental time of a person's life, when I did nothing but support her and sacrifice everything for her, you would think she could do better than telling me to f-off and hanging up when we are having an arguement.

God, I haven't been this angry is so long. If she were here I would break her damn jaw.

**BellaDonna** · 07-11-2008, 03:33 PM

Quote:

But considering the damage that she has done to me in my life during the most developmental time of a person's life, when I did nothing but support her and sacrifice everything for her, you would think she could do better than telling me to f-off and hanging up when we are having an arguement.

Well as I mentioned earlier- I think you are testing her. You have too much hope. You are assuming you can "reach" her and that she will somehow start acting like "a mom" now. But some people just never get it. They never become good parents. That is why it is best to remove them from your life or give them very little influence over it- because they will just hurt you again and again.

rosephase · 07-11-2008, 03:41 PM

The fact that you are a functioning adult is a crazy with they way she treated you growing up and what you had to go thru. How much you give to her now is up to you. The fact that you speak to her still is better then I think a lot of people would do. You are doing really well for yourself, and maybe it's really time to work out some of this anger. But do it for you, not for her.

Excalibur · 07-11-2008, 03:43 PM

You're thinking the pattern that created her addiction - learned at her knee in order to associate with her and keep yourself safe during your childhood.

The person who owes you in life - is YOU. The person who'll make or break you is YOU. The person you have to rely on is YOU. And it's up to you to affiliate and associate with people that share your standards...she doesn't.

She's your mother.......she's also a druggie, she's a negative role model, she's a loser, abuser, and a user in every way.

Disassociate yourself from your mother. She'll destroy you.

She's a mother in name only - but she's an addict first and foremost.

07-11-2008, 03:07 PM	#1
eTired Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: MT Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 58	I Hate My Mother. For a quick background on the situation between my mother an me. When I was about 12 years old, she explained to me that she was in fact into the drugs (which I later found out was a common thing in her past, as was dealing), and that she felt I should know. As time progressed, she got deeper and deeper into the habit of using and dealing. I have problems at school and have no one to turn to as my mother is occupied with different things, so I stop going at the end of 7th grade and shortly after have to start taking care of my mother and my sister's first born. My mother eventually breaks with her husband over the drug issues and more, and the family falls apart all over my sister and the protection that my mother gives her against yet another boyfriend that beats her up. By this time my sister has had her second child with a different father. My mother eventually got sick with osteomielitis and nearly died and went through months and months of rehabilitation as the drug dealings and cookings were being conducted at home. We were almost raided several times, but one kinda interesting thing did happen. I find out that my uncle was involved with some people who knew or was involved with the Oklahoma City bombing, and some producers from CBS come to the house looking for my uncle. I also find out that people involved with that same militant group of people have been in and and out of the house. A few other things happen that I will omit. My mother loses her job as a result of her drug use, (I find out later that she had been using my urine she has been collecting under the guise of her "learning how to do the test herself" to pass her own UA tests at work) her marriage falls apart, and the house is slowly slipping into foreclosure, all the other bills are far past due, utilities are being shut off, including the water one time when my mother went on a drug dealing trip to a city a few hours away, and I was left with my nephew (sisters first born) and no water, no food and no means to do anything about it when I was 14 years old. I continue to support my mother, raise my nephew, and act as body guard. As a result of the drug users and cookings in and out of the house, I end up stepping on a syringe needle after my shower that was left in the bathroom by the drug users that frequent the house, and I freak out. I run to tell my mother and she blows me off and goes back to sleep. Shortly after that we go to that same city for a drug deal, and I am a wreck the entire day and for years after that. (that was about 13 years ago, and I am not dead....yet). So as things fall apart, and I am watching my nephew while my mom is gone, and trying to play bodyguard to my mother and the house during her drug dealings, things eventually fall apart. The house is foreclosed on. We are evicted and stay at a motel for a few months, and then bounce from house to house, burning bridge after bridge. The day of my 16th birthday I get my license, and finally am able to drive legally. That same day we receive an annual child support payment from my father to the tune of about 1,200 dollars. My mother rents a car, buys me a few books, and I ask to use the car for my first day of being 16. She takes the car to that same city and leaves me with my nephew in some lady's house that we are staying at, the same lady she went to that city with to make a drug deal. I wait, and hope that she is back in time so I can use the car. My mother doesn't show up until 3 or 4 or so in the morning, and all the money is gone and they tell me that they got ripped off. I take the car and wander a bit for my pissed off and uneventful 16th birthday. My mother did buy me a small piece of weed though, yay me. A little less than a year or so later, she gets arrested a few times, and eventually gets sent off to jail for a probation violation. I am abandoned and spend several weeks in our abandoned car outside of the house my sister is now staying at. I am broke, and ask for some water and my sister and her husband laugh at me, but they do give me water. Eventually and end up staying with a newly found girlfriend's friend's family for about 2 years, and end up being molested by the mother of that family several times while my mother is sending me letters in the mail asking for me to put speed on the back of the envelope for her to get high in jail. I am only telling of the big details, there is more, but this is long as it is. Let's fast forward a bit. I spend my time trying to find places to live and trying to hold a job and trying to reconcile my life. My mom is a wreck physically, but she is off the drugs but on methadone, she is living stably in Phoenix near the little bit of family we have, but I live in Montana. Today, I get into an arguement with my mother over her not listening or being very supportive during my recent breakup with my GF. I tell her that I always have to repeat myself, that my concerns are being blown off, that I feel isolated from the so called family that we have. She tells me that I call just looking for a fight all the time, to which I correct her and remind her of the support I offered her in the past and recently with her recent health scare, and tell her that she never offered me that support. I tell her that she always blames me for everything. I ask her if any of that is incorrect, and she says, "what?" I ask again and she says, "what?" again. I ask her if she is listening and she says no she wasn't that time. I then get real pissed off and tell her that she doesn't listen, she isn't supportive, and that it always ends up being my fault every damn time. She eventually tells me to f-off and she hangs up. That was a few minutes ago. Tell me, should it be so surprising to her that I get pissed at her easy, and that she is not a good mother, and that when I need support during a hard time for me that she should be willing to listen and take my crap after all that I have put up with for her? Apparently not according to her. Maybe I am asking too much. I am so pissed off right now I want to kill someone. __________________ ...Perhaps they too realize their dependence upon the lowly. Truly, too much honour means no honour. It is not wise to shine like jade and resound like stone-chimes." #39 Tao Teh Ching Last edited by eTired; 07-11-2008 at 03:18 PM. Reason: Forgive my hasty manner, and edits, I am trying to write this very pissed off.

07-11-2008, 03:23 PM	#3
greywolf Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Good question... Gender: Female Posts: 5,196	hmmm... Well, I don't think anyone is asking for too much in wishing for a supportive family. But honestly, I think you just can't expect that from her. She has never been supportive her whole life and she probably never will be. I know she's your mom and that's why you want a better relationship with her, but she is just not that kind of person. __________________ "I'll never understand this until I get my penis." ~hersmudders "Give me life. Give me pain. Give me myself again." ~Tori Amos Pacquiao is gonna beat Cotto's ass!! w00t!

07-11-2008, 03:25 PM	#5
BellaDonna Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: U.S. Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 6,586	I am sorry about your pain. Someone very near and dear to me has a mom just like yours. I know how hard it can be to be raised by a mother who is addicted to drugs and clueless about what it means to "mother" a child. All I can say is that I believe in justice. Just because someone is blood -related to you does not mean that you have to let them have a toxic influence on your life. It's OKAY to close your mom out if she causes you pain. Maybe you don't want to shut her out 100%, but give her very limited influence over your life and happiness. She has not made you a priority in her life and has done some very hurtful things, so you not be expected to make her a priority in your life. You don't have to call her. You don't have to see her. You don't have to forgive her. It's okay. You should not spend your life bearing unearned guilt. It's so tempting to say "But she's MY MOTHER- I have to talk to her" But the truth is that she did not fulfill her motherly role so she does not deserve any of the recognition or benefits that go along with being "your mother". You called her because there is a piece of you that still has some hope that she'll have a "shining moment"- a brief moment where she will listen to you and act like "a mom"- so you can find a reason to have her in your life. She fails the test each time. There will probably always be a part of you that longs for "a mom". Although you can't change the past, you can change the future. You don't have to let her hurt you anymore. Do whatever feels morally right to you- maybe you can't shut her out 100% and feel ok with that- but make your contact with her extremely limited. I had mentioned there was someone near and dear to me that has a mom just like yours- and he has extremely limited contact with his mother. It has helped his life immensely. You don't have to let her mistakes shape your future. Don't let her "in" anymore. Don't give her the chance to fail another test. Take care, BellaDonna __________________ "Well behaved women rarely make history." "Friendship should be a refuge, not an ordeal." Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone:http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

07-11-2008, 03:26 PM	#7
eTired Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: MT Gender: Male Age: 29 Posts: 58	It's possible that I am just an angry person looking for a fight with her, that everything is somehow, in some bizarre way my fault. But considering the damage that she has done to me in my life during the most developmental time of a person's life, when I did nothing but support her and sacrifice everything for her, you would think she could do better than telling me to f-off and hanging up when we are having an arguement. God, I haven't been this angry is so long. If she were here I would break her damn jaw. __________________ ...Perhaps they too realize their dependence upon the lowly. Truly, too much honour means no honour. It is not wise to shine like jade and resound like stone-chimes." #39 Tao Teh Ching

07-11-2008, 03:19 PM	#2
rosephase Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Seattle Gender: Female Posts: 1,014	What seems surprising to me is you would expect anything else from her. I think she has made it really clear what kind of person she is, and if you keep looking to her for that kind of support and love you are just going to keep hurting yourself. You need to make a new family, one that you pick. Friends and girlfriends, people who can give back. And stop killing yourself over something that your mom has never given you, and will never give you. The respect and love and support that you deserve.

07-11-2008, 03:24 PM	#4
KAT MOMMY Offline Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: The Dirty South Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 886	I am so sorry honey-damn I know it hurts like hell but I am here if you need someone to talk to. I don't think that you should hate her because you are only allowed one mother in this lifetime and even though she is a crazed woman you still have to respect the fact that she gave birth to you. As for the things that happened in the past-you may need to go to counseling to resolve those long-standing issues. You are an adult now and be happy that you are alive-its a blessing. Things is you have to be strong all on your own merit-I want to say more but I'd rather speak in private-PM me OK?

07-11-2008, 03:41 PM	#9
rosephase Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Seattle Gender: Female Posts: 1,014	The fact that you are a functioning adult is a crazy with they way she treated you growing up and what you had to go thru. How much you give to her now is up to you. The fact that you speak to her still is better then I think a lot of people would do. You are doing really well for yourself, and maybe it's really time to work out some of this anger. But do it for you, not for her.

07-11-2008, 03:43 PM	#10
Excalibur Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1,651	You're thinking the pattern that created her addiction - learned at her knee in order to associate with her and keep yourself safe during your childhood. The person who owes you in life - is YOU. The person who'll make or break you is YOU. The person you have to rely on is YOU. And it's up to you to affiliate and associate with people that share your standards...she doesn't. She's your mother.......she's also a druggie, she's a negative role model, she's a loser, abuser, and a user in every way. Disassociate yourself from your mother. She'll destroy you. She's a mother in name only - but she's an addict first and foremost.