midlife crisis

browneyesblue · 07-10-2008, 11:34 AM

Is a gay guy's midlife crisis any different from a straight guy's? It kind of seems like my partner is going through one. He's 48.

**avman** · 07-10-2008, 11:37 AM

I can't imagine it would differ by sexual orientation. A midlife crisis is all about a person not being comfortable with their aging and life situation. What is your partner doing that makes you believe he's having one?

Clementine orange · 07-10-2008, 11:43 AM

Yeah, I don't think gay people are really any different from straight except for the sex side of things. There's no reason to believe that they should be immune from mid life crisies. I've seen some websites and forums that are supportive to suffering partners of mid-life crisies-ers.

However, I don't believe in labeling the stages of life that people go through - it can be dangerous.

For example, so he wants to buy a yaught (sports car, motorcycle). Just because he's 40 something doesn't mean he's in crisies - maybe he just wants to buy one and couldn't afford it when he was 21. Can't we just be free to do what we want and not let society dictate when something is absurd or not?

browneyesblue · 07-10-2008, 11:53 AM

In an earlier post, I thought his behavior might have been related to his bipolar disorder (at least that's what he told me), but now it kind of seems like a crisis of some sort. He said he's catered to people all his life and he wants to do what makes him happy. I feel excluded from his decisions--not because I want to keep him from being happy, but because his decisions affect us both.

He says I'm not the same person he fell in love with, and that's probably true. We all change over time. When the intimacy started to slip away (no sex in almost two years), I built up these emotional walls as a defense mechanism. Maybe that's part of the problem ...

Clementine orange · 07-10-2008, 11:56 AM

I know this is a cliche but have you considered couples counselling? I know a gay couple who have done this. It might be the only way to go at this point.

**avman** · 07-10-2008, 11:56 AM

Two years? That's the sign of something much deeper than a midlife crisis. I think you'll need to decide whether you seriously want to stay in this relationship. If he's just going and doing his own thing now and you've clearly taken a backseat I think you need to either confront it or leave. Sitting and doing nothing isn't healthy for you.

lukeb · 07-10-2008, 11:57 AM

It is ok to talk about generalities, I guess as long as you recognize they are generalities.

avman:
"A midlife crisis is all about a person not being comfortable with their aging and life situation."

This is so so true, since it is often the case that obsession about youth, body image is a little bit more extreme in some gay circles (ie: bar scene), midlife crisis often hits gay men earlier lets say around 30 or so.

I think for straight men it tends to hit later and late 40 and early 50 would be very typical. Not everyone gets a midlife crises and can make the transition fairly smoothly.

browneyesblue · 07-10-2008, 12:06 PM

Yes, avman, two years is a long time. He says he's not as interested in sex anymore, and also blames me, saying that I'm, well, a word that rhymes with "witchy". He also says you have to have a stable relationship in order to have intimacy. But I believe intimacy can help make a relationship more stable.

distant_dreamer · 07-10-2008, 01:39 PM

The mid-life "crisis" is a misunderstood thing...great fodder for jokes and whatnot....but it's an important transition in life. There is no difference whether gay or straight...it's an awakening to what one has been doing up to this point and whether they've been living life to their liking or following what family and the outer world expected them to do. I don't think it really has anything to do with regaining their youth. There is no set amount of time...in fact, those who are really open to what they truly want in their life could spend the rest of their days figuring it out. It's complicated because the world complicates us with routine and conformity.

Browneyesblue....there are a couple of wonderful books both written by James Hollis that you could give as a gift to him if you think he'd be open to it...The Middle Passage and Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Life. If this is where he is at, embrace him and love the fact that he's at this point in life. I'm certain he feels unsure of who he is and questioning everything...and be thankful that he's not picked up some addiction to distract him from his thoughts.

ManAbout · 07-10-2008, 01:48 PM

Are you a similar age as your partner? or significantly older/younger?

07-10-2008, 11:34 AM	#1
browneyesblue Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 7	midlife crisis Is a gay guy's midlife crisis any different from a straight guy's? It kind of seems like my partner is going through one. He's 48.

07-10-2008, 11:37 AM	#2
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	I can't imagine it would differ by sexual orientation. A midlife crisis is all about a person not being comfortable with their aging and life situation. What is your partner doing that makes you believe he's having one? __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

07-10-2008, 11:56 AM	#6
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Two years? That's the sign of something much deeper than a midlife crisis. I think you'll need to decide whether you seriously want to stay in this relationship. If he's just going and doing his own thing now and you've clearly taken a backseat I think you need to either confront it or leave. Sitting and doing nothing isn't healthy for you. __________________ "Children are a wonderful gift . . . They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are." Desmond Tutu

07-10-2008, 11:43 AM	#3
Clementine orange Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: La Belle Province Gender: Male Posts: 3,665	Yeah, I don't think gay people are really any different from straight except for the sex side of things. There's no reason to believe that they should be immune from mid life crisies. I've seen some websites and forums that are supportive to suffering partners of mid-life crisies-ers. However, I don't believe in labeling the stages of life that people go through - it can be dangerous. For example, so he wants to buy a yaught (sports car, motorcycle). Just because he's 40 something doesn't mean he's in crisies - maybe he just wants to buy one and couldn't afford it when he was 21. Can't we just be free to do what we want and not let society dictate when something is absurd or not?

07-10-2008, 11:53 AM	#4
browneyesblue Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 7	In an earlier post, I thought his behavior might have been related to his bipolar disorder (at least that's what he told me), but now it kind of seems like a crisis of some sort. He said he's catered to people all his life and he wants to do what makes him happy. I feel excluded from his decisions--not because I want to keep him from being happy, but because his decisions affect us both. He says I'm not the same person he fell in love with, and that's probably true. We all change over time. When the intimacy started to slip away (no sex in almost two years), I built up these emotional walls as a defense mechanism. Maybe that's part of the problem ...

07-10-2008, 11:57 AM	#7
lukeb Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: Alberta, Canada Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 703	It is ok to talk about generalities, I guess as long as you recognize they are generalities. avman: "A midlife crisis is all about a person not being comfortable with their aging and life situation." This is so so true, since it is often the case that obsession about youth, body image is a little bit more extreme in some gay circles (ie: bar scene), midlife crisis often hits gay men earlier lets say around 30 or so. I think for straight men it tends to hit later and late 40 and early 50 would be very typical. Not everyone gets a midlife crises and can make the transition fairly smoothly.

07-10-2008, 12:06 PM	#8
browneyesblue Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 7	Yes, avman, two years is a long time. He says he's not as interested in sex anymore, and also blames me, saying that I'm, well, a word that rhymes with "witchy". He also says you have to have a stable relationship in order to have intimacy. But I believe intimacy can help make a relationship more stable.

07-10-2008, 01:39 PM	#9
distant_dreamer Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Canada Gender: Male Posts: 10	The mid-life "crisis" is a misunderstood thing...great fodder for jokes and whatnot....but it's an important transition in life. There is no difference whether gay or straight...it's an awakening to what one has been doing up to this point and whether they've been living life to their liking or following what family and the outer world expected them to do. I don't think it really has anything to do with regaining their youth. There is no set amount of time...in fact, those who are really open to what they truly want in their life could spend the rest of their days figuring it out. It's complicated because the world complicates us with routine and conformity. Browneyesblue....there are a couple of wonderful books both written by James Hollis that you could give as a gift to him if you think he'd be open to it...The Middle Passage and Finding Meaning In The Second Half Of Life. If this is where he is at, embrace him and love the fact that he's at this point in life. I'm certain he feels unsure of who he is and questioning everything...and be thankful that he's not picked up some addiction to distract him from his thoughts.

07-10-2008, 01:48 PM	#10
ManAbout Offline Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 166	Are you a similar age as your partner? or significantly older/younger?