Suspect friend has social Anxiety disorder - anyone here got experience of these feelings?

girl friend · 07-02-2008, 05:47 PM

Hey guys

I just wanted to run something by you to see if you can help me to make sense of my friends behaviour and how to handle it.

I met this girl last week at a end of term party in our local pub. All our college were there, though she wasn't from our college her b/f had dragged her there. I knew her b/f from sport so i sat with them and after looking shyly at each other for a few minutes i introduced myself and asked her name. She at first only answered questions when spoken to but eventually i moved to sit next to her real close, and the boys drifted off on their own conversation and i am left with "Jess". I sit back in a relaxed position and gradually she starts to relax and open up a lot more, and we have a deep and meaningful conversation lasting about 4 hours, the time just flew. During that time i learned that her mother is an agoraphobic (an extreme type of social anxiety, afraid of leaving the house.) Jess was drinking quite heavily that night which she told me was to help her to relax, and that she wouldn't have been able to make conversation with me without it. What also struck me was that her bf always had his hand either on hers, or on her shoulder in a v supportive way, even when he was facing the other way chatting to the boys. What also struck me was that this guy is a complete player, and she is a petite and gorgeous girl.. im not saying in a nasty way that she could do better, just that i was surprised she went for the football jock stud.

Further into the conversation she mentioned that she was living back in the halls of residence and that she wasn't getting a house with friends. I dont think she really has friends. So i got her number and we stayed in touch. After chatting one2one all afternoon i was thinking ''wow i've made a great new friend here, that was a great chat, we'll have to meet up and hang out'' etc. She texted me v enthusiastically after that, each time but avoids any mention of going out or 'seeing each other around the bar'. She told me she was leaving for the last week of term to avoid the parties and craziness, but i don't think she's antisocial. she seems so desperate to be liked and accepted, and so scared. Of me even.

so i was wondering, i want to hear from anyone who has ever battled social anxiety or known anyone going through it, or anyone at all really. What is the best approach to take to stay friends with this girl? IF she does suffer from social anxiety (which considering she is the only child of an agoraphobic single mother is very very likely), how does she feel? Does she want to be friends with me? How should i best approach it? Should i mention that i know she is anxious about social situations? Or just act like i don't know but ask her to meet up at her house or mine perhaps to avoid social situations? OR if she has social anxiety, does that count for just seeing one friend in the house also? So my inviting her to mine won't be any different to me asking her to a bar party?

Help!
I don't wanna lose her, and i think she needs a friend tbh, but it feels like i'm speaking a different language to her as i try to navigate around these problems.

girl friend

Raiden · 07-02-2008, 06:09 PM

Kudos for offering your hand of friendship to this girl and wanting to persevere. As a SA sufferer, establishing friendships can be challenging, from both the sufferer's perspective and the person on the other side of the table; we're not widely known as the most approachable or talkative folk, as you've no doubt gathered.

It may be prudent at this stage not to push anything, however. Don't coax her into talking about her condition, or any other problems that may be related to it, unless the conversation swings that way by her own choice. It may be extremely uncomfortable for her (and you) should you choose to try and get her to open up to you and discuss her issues from a pragmatic perspective. Neither should you make any attempt to force her to meeting with you outside of her 'comfort zones', wherever they may be.

The long and short of it is: Her problems are for her to deal with, not you (with the exception of a qualified professional, should she be seeing one or choose to see one at a later date). Be her friend by offering support if and when it's needed.

Hope this helps.

Timebandit · 07-02-2008, 06:11 PM

Former social phobic here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl friend

how does she feel?

Extremely self-consciouss every time she is with other people.

Quote:

Does she want to be friends with me?

Yes, I absolutely think so.

Quote:

How should i best approach it?

Take it easy.
Realize that she is slow to warm up
Take her to quiet places rather than noicy bars etc.
Don't take it personally if she doesn't always reprocicate

Quote:

Should i mention that i know she is anxious about social situations?

I would say no. I absolutely hated it when people told me I didn't talk much (thank you for stating the bloody obvious).

Quote:

Or just act like i don't know but ask her to meet up at her house or mine perhaps to avoid social situations? OR if she has social anxiety, does that count for just seeing one friend in the house also? So my inviting her to mine won't be any different to me asking her to a bar party?

I would go out with her alone rather than take her to a party. At least in the beginning. She is likely to be less consciouss about herself if she is with someone she know (=greater chance of opening up).

Quote:

Help!
I don't wanna lose her, and i think she needs a friend tbh, but it feels like i'm speaking a different language to her as i try to navigate around these problems.

If you are willing to ignore some awkward silence now and then, I think you should have no problems making her your friend.

girl friend · 07-02-2008, 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raiden

Kudos for offering your hand of friendship to this girl and wanting to persevere. As a SA sufferer, establishing friendships can be challenging, from both the sufferer's perspective and the person on the other side of the table; we're not widely known as the most approachable or talkative folk, as you've no doubt gathered.

It may be prudent at this stage not to push anything, however. Don't coax her into talking about her condition, or any other problems that may be related to it, unless the conversation swings that way by her own choice. It may be extremely uncomfortable for her (and you) should you choose to try and get her to open up to you and discuss her issues from a pragmatic perspective. Neither should you make any attempt to force her to meeting with you outside of her 'comfort zones', wherever they may be.

The long and short of it is: Her problems are for her to deal with, not you (with the exception of a qualified professional, should she be seeing one or choose to see one at a later date). Be her friend by offering support if and when it's needed.

Hope this helps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Timebandit

Former social phobic here.

Extremely self-consciouss every time she is with other people.

Yes, I absolutely think so.

Take it easy.
Realize that she is slow to warm up
Take her to quiet places rather than noicy bars etc.
Don't take it personally if she doesn't always reprocicate

I would say no. I absolutely hated it when people told me I didn't talk much (thank you for stating the bloody obvious).

I would go out with her alone rather than take her to a party. At least in the beginning. She is likely to be less consciouss about herself if she is with someone she know (=greater chance of opening up).

If you are willing to ignore some awkward silence now and then, I think you should have no problems making her your friend.

Thanks for the great replies guys

A few more questions though, does it sound like she does have some kind of social anxiety from my post? I'm still not that certain.. I mean she managed to pick up a bf, albeit she was very drunk in a club. but she was there, with other girls.

And Raiden, she was v v talkative when we were having a one2one conversation, though a v closed person also i noticed. She brought up the alcohol and told me it was a defense. I don't know what or where her comfort zones are.
I saw her a couple of nights ago in a pool bar with her bf, i was with a friend and she saw me and sorta nodded but kept her eyes to the floor and made no attempt to come over and make conversation.. I sorta got the inkling she wanted to though.. I considered going over to challenge them to doubles, but by that time they had sat in a partitioned cubicle in the bar with drinks and she was all cuddly with him and it looked like a date so i didn't bother.. its so hard to read though. It looked to me like she clings to him rather than romance.

How can i know if she is pushing me away because she wants to be left alone, or because she is afraid of the inevitable social contact a friendship would demand eventually?

Anon333 · 07-02-2008, 06:26 PM

Hi Girlf friend...
I have the same exact problem as this girl, from what you are saying. I avoid social situations and can only really have a good relaxed coversation with someone if I am drunk. I was just wondering from your side, why do you want to be friends with her so badly? Dont take that the wrong way though. I wish there were more girls that wanted to be my friend. But most of them take my shyness for being stuck up, either that or they dont see anything about me that would make them be friends. It is a struggle I have dealt with my whole life, and when I read the post I just really wanted to respond.

I'm sure this girl does want to be your friend, but I bet you anything her whole life is wrapped around her own little comfort zone and having her boyfriend there all the time. When you have social anxiety, it really dictates your whole life. It makes breakups with boyfriends ten times more painful, because you feel too shy to go meet other people, and because your comfort zone is now completely destroyed.

I think I might be getting too off topic on my own personal issues with social anxiety. But in all honesty, it really is a horrible thing that I have been trying to overcome my whole life. The only thing that has helped me ever go out and meet people has been alcohol, but I have discovered I am never comfortable enough until I am almost blacked out drunk (which it doesnt sound like she was totally drunk like I get). This has made me not want to go out and be known as the drunk girl. Everyone of my relationships I have had, have been through meeting a guy drunk at a bar...And I also ended up settling for all of them by becoming comfortable with them because I could not meet anyone any other way....

I hope this helps have a little insight on what this girl might be feeling. I think everyone deals with their social anxiety in different ways, and this girl may not have deal with it the same way as me. But for her to meet up with you and hang out as a friend is probably something she really wants to do, but fears the nervous wreck she will feel like hanging out with someone new. If you can push past those awkward times of getting to know someone, they will eventually feel comfortable around you and open up. I think if you feel a connection with this person be a bit persistant and ask her if she wants to go to the movies or do an activity that doesnt involve as much talking, you might need to do this for awhile untill she relaxes.

I really wish I had a girl friend. I had one girl friend for about ten years, from high school to around 25, I shared everything with her. I moved to a different city to be with her. Everyone thought it was strange what good friends we were. We were dependant on eachother for everything because we both had social anxiety. We drank together too. Needless to say that relationship started to go all wrong and in the end I found out she had slept with my boyfriend while drunk....I havent had a girl freind since, and the only friends I have are x boyfriends or guys that like me more than a friend. It sucks. I hope this girl has a healthier time dealing with her anxiety. SOrry to ramble on this....

Raiden · 07-02-2008, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl friend

A few more questions though, does it sound like she does have some kind of social anxiety from my post? I'm still not that certain.. I mean she managed to pick up a bf, albeit she was very drunk in a club. but she was there, with other girls.

From what you've layed out, all the pieces seem to fit together. My Layman's opinion in conjunction with my own experiences would tell me that she suffers from excessive shyness; i.e, some form of social phobia.

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl friend

And Raiden, she was v v talkative when we were having a one2one conversation, though a v closed person also i noticed. She brought up the alcohol and told me it was a defense. I don't know what or where her comfort zones are.

It's also applicable to conversation subjects, but by "comfort zones" I was referring to where, geographically, she feels comfortable or visa-versa.

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl friend

How can i know if she is pushing me away because she wants to be left alone, or because she is afraid of the inevitable social contact a friendship would demand eventually?

It could be either, depending on the complexities of both her personality and illness which are currently blurry to you.

Anon333 · 07-02-2008, 06:37 PM

If you feel like she is pushing you away, she just may be too scared and not willing to exert all that nervous energy into being your friend. But if she is fully aware she needs to work on her anxiety and meeting people and not totally give in to her social anxiety, she should make an effort to be your friend, whether that means a few uncomfortable get togethers. It will help if you do most of the talking and ask her questions.

girl friend · 07-02-2008, 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anon333

Hi Girlf friend...
I have the same exact problem as this girl, from what you are saying. I avoid social situations and can only really have a good relaxed coversation with someone if I am drunk. I was just wondering from your side, why do you want to be friends with her so badly? Dont take that the wrong way though. I wish there were more girls that wanted to be my friend.

Thanks for sharing your story.
And like i said, we just clicked real well, thats all. I've met some of my best friends by having deep and meaningful chats out, and then the next day or soon after they can't wait to come round to chill and get to know each other further., I just found it strange how she seems to fear social interaction soo... yet she was really good at it! When we were chatting, she was a good friend, a great listener, a fascinating conversationalist. Shes just my type of person, and i wanted 2 try n pursue the friendship.. all my friends are outgoing and at least portray the mask of confidence, thats why i posted a thread becuz i don't know how to approach this.

girl friend · 07-02-2008, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raiden

From what you've layed out, all the pieces seem to fit together. My Layman's opinion in conjunction with my own experiences would tell me that she suffers from excessive shyness; i.e, some form of social phobia.

Yeah thats what i thought.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raiden

If the association should be terminated via either of the eventualities you've noted, try your best not to take it personally.

cheers, thats very supportive.
I hate 2 think of her so lonely though.

Raiden · 07-02-2008, 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girl friend

I hate 2 think of her so lonely though.

As would anyone with a heart.

I was trying to point out the fact that either of the potential situations you described may indeed be faced; the fact that she may be wished to left alone may not be indicative of you or your lack of friendship, if that makes sense. Not my finest moment, I'll admit.

07-02-2008, 05:47 PM	#1
girl friend Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: England, North Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 1,656	Suspect friend has social Anxiety disorder - anyone here got experience of these feelings? Hey guys I just wanted to run something by you to see if you can help me to make sense of my friends behaviour and how to handle it. I met this girl last week at a end of term party in our local pub. All our college were there, though she wasn't from our college her b/f had dragged her there. I knew her b/f from sport so i sat with them and after looking shyly at each other for a few minutes i introduced myself and asked her name. She at first only answered questions when spoken to but eventually i moved to sit next to her real close, and the boys drifted off on their own conversation and i am left with "Jess". I sit back in a relaxed position and gradually she starts to relax and open up a lot more, and we have a deep and meaningful conversation lasting about 4 hours, the time just flew. During that time i learned that her mother is an agoraphobic (an extreme type of social anxiety, afraid of leaving the house.) Jess was drinking quite heavily that night which she told me was to help her to relax, and that she wouldn't have been able to make conversation with me without it. What also struck me was that her bf always had his hand either on hers, or on her shoulder in a v supportive way, even when he was facing the other way chatting to the boys. What also struck me was that this guy is a complete player, and she is a petite and gorgeous girl.. im not saying in a nasty way that she could do better, just that i was surprised she went for the football jock stud. Further into the conversation she mentioned that she was living back in the halls of residence and that she wasn't getting a house with friends. I dont think she really has friends. So i got her number and we stayed in touch. After chatting one2one all afternoon i was thinking ''wow i've made a great new friend here, that was a great chat, we'll have to meet up and hang out'' etc. She texted me v enthusiastically after that, each time but avoids any mention of going out or 'seeing each other around the bar'. She told me she was leaving for the last week of term to avoid the parties and craziness, but i don't think she's antisocial. she seems so desperate to be liked and accepted, and so scared. Of me even. so i was wondering, i want to hear from anyone who has ever battled social anxiety or known anyone going through it, or anyone at all really. What is the best approach to take to stay friends with this girl? IF she does suffer from social anxiety (which considering she is the only child of an agoraphobic single mother is very very likely), how does she feel? Does she want to be friends with me? How should i best approach it? Should i mention that i know she is anxious about social situations? Or just act like i don't know but ask her to meet up at her house or mine perhaps to avoid social situations? OR if she has social anxiety, does that count for just seeing one friend in the house also? So my inviting her to mine won't be any different to me asking her to a bar party? Help! I don't wanna lose her, and i think she needs a friend tbh, but it feels like i'm speaking a different language to her as i try to navigate around these problems. girl friend __________________ "I always find it uncanny when I can't understand someone in terms of myself." Sigmund Freud 'Did you know that every species of mammal has found some way to temporarily drug, inebriate or anaesthetise itself; even if its just banging its head against a rock. Its seems we all have some natural urge to just get away from ourselves for a while. I've had it for as long as i can remember.'

07-02-2008, 06:09 PM	#2
Raiden Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 1,183	Kudos for offering your hand of friendship to this girl and wanting to persevere. As a SA sufferer, establishing friendships can be challenging, from both the sufferer's perspective and the person on the other side of the table; we're not widely known as the most approachable or talkative folk, as you've no doubt gathered. It may be prudent at this stage not to push anything, however. Don't coax her into talking about her condition, or any other problems that may be related to it, unless the conversation swings that way by her own choice. It may be extremely uncomfortable for her (and you) should you choose to try and get her to open up to you and discuss her issues from a pragmatic perspective. Neither should you make any attempt to force her to meeting with you outside of her 'comfort zones', wherever they may be. The long and short of it is: Her problems are for her to deal with, not you (with the exception of a qualified professional, should she be seeing one or choose to see one at a later date). Be her friend by offering support if and when it's needed. Hope this helps.

07-02-2008, 06:26 PM	#5
Anon333 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: N.C. Gender: Female Posts: 663	Hi Girlf friend... I have the same exact problem as this girl, from what you are saying. I avoid social situations and can only really have a good relaxed coversation with someone if I am drunk. I was just wondering from your side, why do you want to be friends with her so badly? Dont take that the wrong way though. I wish there were more girls that wanted to be my friend. But most of them take my shyness for being stuck up, either that or they dont see anything about me that would make them be friends. It is a struggle I have dealt with my whole life, and when I read the post I just really wanted to respond. I'm sure this girl does want to be your friend, but I bet you anything her whole life is wrapped around her own little comfort zone and having her boyfriend there all the time. When you have social anxiety, it really dictates your whole life. It makes breakups with boyfriends ten times more painful, because you feel too shy to go meet other people, and because your comfort zone is now completely destroyed. I think I might be getting too off topic on my own personal issues with social anxiety. But in all honesty, it really is a horrible thing that I have been trying to overcome my whole life. The only thing that has helped me ever go out and meet people has been alcohol, but I have discovered I am never comfortable enough until I am almost blacked out drunk (which it doesnt sound like she was totally drunk like I get). This has made me not want to go out and be known as the drunk girl. Everyone of my relationships I have had, have been through meeting a guy drunk at a bar...And I also ended up settling for all of them by becoming comfortable with them because I could not meet anyone any other way.... I hope this helps have a little insight on what this girl might be feeling. I think everyone deals with their social anxiety in different ways, and this girl may not have deal with it the same way as me. But for her to meet up with you and hang out as a friend is probably something she really wants to do, but fears the nervous wreck she will feel like hanging out with someone new. If you can push past those awkward times of getting to know someone, they will eventually feel comfortable around you and open up. I think if you feel a connection with this person be a bit persistant and ask her if she wants to go to the movies or do an activity that doesnt involve as much talking, you might need to do this for awhile untill she relaxes. I really wish I had a girl friend. I had one girl friend for about ten years, from high school to around 25, I shared everything with her. I moved to a different city to be with her. Everyone thought it was strange what good friends we were. We were dependant on eachother for everything because we both had social anxiety. We drank together too. Needless to say that relationship started to go all wrong and in the end I found out she had slept with my boyfriend while drunk....I havent had a girl freind since, and the only friends I have are x boyfriends or guys that like me more than a friend. It sucks. I hope this girl has a healthier time dealing with her anxiety. SOrry to ramble on this....

07-02-2008, 06:37 PM	#7
Anon333 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: N.C. Gender: Female Posts: 663	If you feel like she is pushing you away, she just may be too scared and not willing to exert all that nervous energy into being your friend. But if she is fully aware she needs to work on her anxiety and meeting people and not totally give in to her social anxiety, she should make an effort to be your friend, whether that means a few uncomfortable get togethers. It will help if you do most of the talking and ask her questions.