I'm always desperately lonely...

[Mysticmaddess]

I’m a pathetic fourteen year old that has already given up on life. At the moment, I feel like a disgusting waste of space for hating my life and wanting to end it. I wish I could die so a more grateful person could live. At least then I wouldn’t be as selfish. Everyday feels blank, empty and lonely. I haven’t been hugged since I was six and I’m practically destroyed or ignored by my peers. The only way I can stop myself from crying for a moment, is to think of someone hugging me and telling me I’m not a waste of space but then I cry because I realise how pathetic I really am.


I loathe each little thing or trait of myself. I’m weird, fat ugly, you name it – any bad trait I’m likely to have it. I just hate my life now. A dead dad, an alcoholic bipolar jobless mother and an abusive brother, that’s my home. My only friend is myself... it just feels so miserable and lonely and cold. I given up hope for the future because I’ve been hoping for five years for things to improve but my life has crumbled in front of my eyes. I just need relief from it all, but I’m too much of damn pathetic coward to kill myself.


I thought of methods, and overdosing is out of the window because the medication in the house my mum tried to overdose on once and failed. I don’t think there’s a pipe and rope thick enough to support my weight to hang me. I keep thinking of what will happen if I did kill myself and only my mum would be affected and go manic for a few weeks. People in school and my brother could pretend to care but secretly laugh at the fat ugly emo kid inside.


I once tried to post on a forum about my feelings and all I got in return was that I was a self-pitying cow and I should kill myself and that I’m ugly and fat.

What is the point of existing when no other human being wants to be close to you?

There’s no point of existing with no one else.

I mean, I feel as if I’ll ever be kissed or date anyone ever. Even the rejects in my year are being kissed when they take the mickey out of me for not knowing Harry Potter’s middle name or when they discovered I read Shakespeare and listen to Classical music.

I desperately hide all of my weird qualities but still no one really likes me and leaves me for another friend quick as hell. They all seem so immature and stupid but I can’t say that can I?

[BlueAfterglow08]

Dont be silly. If you think your fat, motivate yourself to loose weight, I think you look pretty in your DP pic. Please dont put yourself down. Your so young, I don't mean that to be patronizing, emotions are just as real at any age. You have a whole life ahead of you, you are an interesting person for liking shakespeare and listening to classical music. Perhaps you are just maturing quicker. Someday you will find someone who likes and loves you for all your quirky traits and hobbies and who thinks your beautiful. You cant ever be beautiful in everyones eyes, im sure some guys think your gorgeous and others not, you cant win everyone over!

They are immature and stupid. Dont be friends with people like that. Find another social scene. Come here talk to us. We'll always listen, and I sure dont think your weird I think your smart and sound very clever and someone will love you for it. You cant expect to find love at 14 or even very good friends people are too emotionally immature to commit to relationships or friendships.

You will date and kiss people in time. You will be considered interesting not immature and petty.

Im sorry about the family situation, it must be tough, to get out of it you need to make the most out of your life. Concentrate on doing well at school, getting qualifications and being sucessful and making something out of your life. You wont have to put up with your family forever, and can you not talk to someone about your abusive brother? Or could you talk to a counsellor about your situation?

Dont be silly! There are positive things, you dont have all the bad traits. Your not evil, heartless a murderer. Your not DYING, you have a while life ahead of you full of happy suprises. Life is what you make it afterall! Your are not fat and ugly. Start looking at the positive things, your alive, your not ugly or fat, your smart, you have REAL interests, your better off than your immature peers who get their thrills from being horrible to others.

You sound compassionate and you deserve so much more out of life. Do not kill yourself, because if you came back after you would regret it. You have what? 60-70 more years of life to turn everything around for yourself and become strong and sucessful and find the person and people you need.

[highonyou]

I used to be like that in school, I was so awkward and alone. My friends that i did have in primary shool all went in different directions and I got left behind. My little sister was 2 years below me so she was still in primary while i was in high school.

I was the fat awkward goth girl, so I used school work to keep me busy, hiding out in the library during lunch and other breaks. But then I grew. It was a slow start, but i joined clubs - the orchestra, games club, even cross stitch (my guilty pleasure) and started to open up from there.

You can do the same, just one step at a time.

[Mysticmaddess]

Highonyou, you are scarily similar to me with the clubs and hobbies and stuff. But what really is bad about my school band is that the rejects go there and torment me about playing the clarinet for six weeks and already being in intermediate band. Last week, they threw my crisps at some poor boy and told everyone that “Libby(me) wants to meet Snape in a dark alley with his wand hanging out.” Don’t even ask. I told one the rejects that I used to be friends with that my brother thinks I fancy Snape (eww...) They said that to the poor music teacher as well. That line isn’t even theirs, it’s my brother’s. Lol.

I’m not allowed in Games Club because I don’t have special needs, bleh. It’s hard to hide in my school because clubs are always closed and when you go outside alone you get constantly teased. I have to hide in toilets not to get things like bottles and biscuits thrown at me. I try but it’s not always successful.


To answer RoseJessica07’s question, I got my brother referred to social services. They came around and told him off. He doesn’t hit me hard enough to leave bruises anymore but he’s abusive in every other single way apart from being sexually abusive (no sane man would want to do anything sexual with me anyway.) My mum does nothing because he’s completely out of control.

[TruBluGurl]

HUGE HUG Coming from Canada!

Must say, what you've written really concerns me. I too had a hard time at your age. My parents were both recently deceased, my life turned upside with no siblings or other family, suddenly in a group home and so alone. It is a horribly difficult age for anyone - and it sounds like you really do have much more than you're share of difficulties. I, at least, had the memories of a mother who loved me very much that helped me believe in myself enough to carry on...

For you, I can't stress enough the EXTREME IMPORTANCE that you find someone(s) you trust to talk to about all this. That you persevere until to you do. Professionals CAN help. Not always the first one will 'click' with you -that is normal - try someone else. I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE SILLY!! Nor do I think you are 'not trying hard enough' or you just need to 'toughen up'. Try a school counsellor, look in the yellow pages for 'youth support' of any kind. They may not be the magic solution, likely not, but someone WILL be able to connect you with some sort of 'lifeline' of a relationship that is stable and secure, whether it be a psychiatrist, counsellor, big sister, whoever works for you. Believe in it and keep looking.

If you must, DO THIS - go to your local hospital emergency and tell someone there how you feel. I sought therapy at 16 when living alone and going to school/working with no support whatsoever, I felt like I would never stop feeling alone. The first doctor did not help. A counsellor did and frankly - without that guy - I'm not sure I'd be here today.

You know you're worth it, somewhere inside, or you wouldn't be reaching out like this. Glad you did!

High school can be a horrible place. I recall vividly. But it ends. And on the other side - when your 'ancient and old' and an adult, like you know, 21 years old, you just won't care so much what these people think. You'll see them for the immature, and some, losers, that they are.

You sound like someone experiencing clinical depression yourself. Medications CAN help. I know what you really need is love and acceptance. Persevere. Keep going. And if you do nothing else - ACTIVELY SEEK HELP OUTSIDE THE HOME.

If there's something you're really good at, try focusing your energy there where you can get some positive feedback and esteem - who cares if it's not what everyone else is doing - you'll be doing it well!

I agree btw.. you look extremely pretty in your pic!
And you're also well spoken which indicates you're intelligent.
At fourteen - there is nothing in the world you could have done to render you worthless, although I understand it can feel that way, it simply is not true. You've just as much right to be happy as anyone else - prove the 'bast****s' wrong and survive!!

[highonyou]

Oh God high school sucks. The kids at yours seem to be in larger numbers than what was at mine.

double entendres about harry potter is just pathetic...really pathetic. I love harry potter (books not the movies) but honestly is that the best they can do?

Getting food thrown is just not on. I would go to a teacher about that, an intimidating yet friendly one. I know grassing up to a teacher isn't that attractive as the little bu***rs would probably have a go at you.

What else did I do in school?...I hooked up with older scary looking goth kids. They were and still are my very dear friends. They shared my interests, were far more mature than my peers and other kids were terrified of having a go at me - even from a distance - when i was hanging out with them.

So what happened between the reject that used to be a friend?

[Snoopy24]

Mystic,

When I was your age, I felt the same way.

Abusive brother, parents sent me away, I felt hopeless.

The last ten years of my life have been incredible. I am so happy I didn't end my life. Sure there have been bad times along the way, but the ups make up for it.

We can't choose our family, and I know school can be extremely hard. Trust me, I have been there. I got through it..and so can you.

I know you think it's easier giving up. But for all you know this is the only life you have. Live it to the fullest. You haven't even experienced life yet.

Don't you want to fall in love, travel the world, build strong friendships, maybe have kids one day?

Tough it out. Things will get better, only if you want them to.

[Mysticmaddess]

She refused to talk to me after I started talking to other people apart from her and her other friend. She's really immature in all honestly and is desperate for attention and affection because she's neglected by her overworked parents. She's irritating as well, she mocks me constantly for my differences but if I even tried to say that she was weird in some way she goes crazily defence and starts using the Snape or Shakespeare card. -.-

There's no group I fit in at all really. There's a couple where I'm not completely rejected but some come of the expense of being snidly teased and others were you are rejected for even being a tiny bit different. I mean simply not liking a certain TV Show... or band.

But they might be one I might slightly fit in but I'm scared of making a socially-dumb butt of myself if I get too comfortable and say something inapporiate (sp?). It's sounds hypocritical of me to judge them but all of them have low-self-esteem and have lost their virginity by thirteen and get drunk often. I'm a bit concerned I might turn out like them. They're nice but I don't know them very well.

My school is made of cliques... basically.

When I tell a teacher about it, they mostly ignore me and tell me that bullying is character building. Sometimes they may tell the boys/girls off but they continue within a minute.

[highonyou]

What a sad little girl she is... you don't need to deal with people like that, you have enough on your plate. Ignore that little madam to the best of your abilities, I'd be careful of giving into her taunts, you never know what a crazy girl will do if you damage her ego in public.

What are the group like that you have a potential to be friends with?

It could help find a common ground with them, anything at all to stir up a conversation with them, what music they like, everyone like to go on about what bands they like. Simple stuff to get the conversation going.

[sunset sun rise lover]

you sound like you are really hurting sweetie my pm box is always open