Realizing the break up is not all your fault-- no matter what they tell you.

I have posted here before, but here is my story and some things ive picked up that might help people.

I have been with my ex for 7 years and have gone through break ups with him before, and to tell you the truth i believe they could be getting easier each time. I always had a level head about things, but when the actual break up would happen (he dumped me each time then came back saying he didnt even know where to start b/c he made a mistake) i would kind of lose control of myself. I dont know why, as he has had a major major major smoking weed problem and his life would revolve around that and id actually have to wait around til he found some just so we could start the night. I would plead for one night with him sober and he said of course he could stop at any time...this of course was not the case. a few years back i used to spend a few days after the break up trying to call him, asking why. This most recent time (2 days before my 22nd birthday, as it usually was RIGHT before my bday) i couldn't fight the urge to call one last time, but then i gave up and realized wow i really don't need to do this. He had cheated on me last year, but then his story changed to that he didn't? i didnt believe it for a second.

And he started calling me all these dirty names because during a long break up last time, yes i dated other guys. But i did everything by the book because it was after we broke up...what say did he have over my life after dumping me?? its strange how they want to dump us, yet they can have their fun and we're supposed to hang around pining for them. The thing i hated most was he always made decisions in a fit of anger then regretted it. But this time i think he really thinks the mean things that he says. Why he was with me for a year after all this happened, i don't know but its all of a sudden getting to him? i took care of him and for years he disregarded it but now all of a sudden i didn't take care of him like i used to because he crossed the line and he got mad for that?

it seems to me that everything happens according to when it's convenient for them. Our downfal happened b/c after he cheated, i wasnt as invested in the relationship and he told me it made his life hell and that it was all my fault?

so you see-- and this is for everyone out there-- misskitty is damn right when she says it is not 100% one person's fault (although he did cheat on me, we had problems before that. but who even know hows many other times he did!)

and i learned that being with someone who never says sorry or has remorse leaves you feeling like it's all your fault. This, my friends, is not true.

He has had such a hold over me making me feel worthless that its hard to believe anything anymore.

He alwaysused to say how he was mad b/c i always seemed to be ok and get over him easily. i said yea each time you do this, i get further away.

yet it's all still my fault and im a dirty * * * * in his eyes. I hate that we're ending the relationship with him thinking this, but i guess i have to remember I have my faults, but he made the relationship soo so diffuclt with no reciprocity. Yea it must have been hard for me to not be in it completely with my heart this time for him, but what about the countless years I was the one left in the dark when he turned his phone off for days at a time? No one should have to endure this and he does not realize most of his actions are what turned me into a hostile person towards him.

the most heart wrenching comment made at the end of all this was he said to me (and this was all by phone, mind you--he cant do anything in person)-- he said "You had your fun you stupid * * * * , now i'll have mine"

First of all a comment like that is uncalled for. Second, he truly thinks im gona put my life aside and just cry over him every day. I think the thing that hurts most is the * * * * comments. It made me cry pretty hard because i know im not like that. and it kills me to think he will only ever see that, and not remember me for ME.

thanks for listening guys

Wow prettybutterfly, i can totally relate to your entry.. but 7 years is a long time. Ive been with mines for almost 3. My ex never cheated on me but he has definitely said many hurtful things to me and was very controlling and manipulative. Its weird how we put up with this when they treat us like this. But i guess we get sucked into it thinking that they'll change and become that person that we fell in love with the beginning. Your right though.. for a long time i believed every break up that we had was always my fault.. and he would "punish" me for that.. like ignoring me for days. But i realized that they try to turn it around on you and make like its all your fault. I mean sure i have made some mistakes in the relationship, no ones perfect.. but the things he would break up with me for would be so stupid.. i just couldnt understand. Sometimes he'd break up with me without even telling me. I'd just be left hanging.. and id call him over n over and when i finally get in touch with him he'd say that he didnt want to be with me. I was devastated for days.. and of course he'd come around and give in and be all nice to me.. then he would just go back to his normal ways of treating me like s***. It's a vicious cycle i tell ya. But im so sorry that he did that to you and broke up with u 2 days before your bday. I almost was in the same situation.. except he almost broke up with me on my actual birthday cause of a fight we had. Its unbelievable how heartless they can be at times. Both you and i definitely dont deserve to be treated like this.. hopefully ill be strong enough to move on without him. What ive been trying to do is keeping busy and going walking..listening to my ipod. It really helps to just think about things. Sometimes i'll cry while im walking as i listen to love songs.. but i learned that its ok to cry and just let it out cause you need to. After i cry all that i can cry, i feel a little better. Hopefully they will realize what a good thing they had in their life and regret ever treating us like this. Feel better hun! And im always here to talk as well.. u can pm me netime.

Hey girls... I'm on the same page with you. Or at least on the page right after it.

My boyfriend just "broke up" with me... I'm sure in a week or even a couple days he will be back with me (like you said, vicious cycle... very vicious). I understand that the main reason our relationship went downhill was me: when we first started kinda dating I was talking in a sexual manner to another guy who had been my friend for years... and it just kind of happened. Well I only did it once, and I barely said anything wrong because I knew I was coming into a new relationship, and I lied to his face about it because I was of course scared of already losing him. But my lying just made it worse, and made it difficult for him to trust me so he started making his stupid little RULES. And me being me, I followed them. Well, tried. When theres rules someone doesn't like, that someone is bound to break them. I couldn't wear makeup to school, low-cut " * * * * ty" shirts (which aren't * * * * ty, they are cute v-necks...), I couldn't talk to guys but if I did I had to tell him (even if I did tell him I STILL got chewed out for it!), and many other things. Throughout our 1 year relationship I got caught "breaking the rules" a couple times, but so did he. He lied several times to me.

After all of this started getting old, I declared we start fresh and be loyal to each other from now on. It was going pretty good (even though I still put up with his crap, he really is a big jerk sometimes), until today, when he found a picture of me on Facebook standing next to Adrian, my gay friend, and my boyfriend freaked out because I failed to tell him I was standing by him that day, aaaand the result is our break up.

He is 21. I am 17.

Honestly, for my age, I am more mature than him.

He acts as if I'm not. Who makes rules for their girlfriend? I don't have rules for him, I mean I don't want him to flirt with other girls and such and go out and get drunk, but those are actually common things.

But jeeez

I don't know what to do now. He said he is tired of it and doesn't know if he will come back to me.

Even though I've been through all this crap, I still love him for who he is deep down, and I can't live without him.

Blah

Well we love who we love just because we love them, not because they are good people or because they are worthy of our love. Love is not rational so of course, if you are attached to someone and then they are gone, you feel bad. But honestly, calling you names, controlling you, smoking pot...these are not characteristics of a good boyfriend. You are so young and there are so many decent guys out there. If you can stay away from him, you will open yourself up to meeting someone who treats you well. You deserve better. You have to believe that yourself. I wish you some luck moving on.