Depressed, Alone, Nowhere near myself

twowaymonologue · 05-31-2008, 03:12 PM

I'm more seriously depressed and lonely than I've ever been before and the worst of the storm began around the holidays. At almost 17, I'm the youngest and the only girl of a mother with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and a naturally narcissistic father. I've done most of my growing up in the last year so at 15 I was still sort of having social problems (hence the bpd mom) that i don't have anymore. Last summer my dad moved me 1,200 miles away from home in florida to his third wife's hometown in wisconsin. They broke up before the new year began. Neither of my older brothers came along and my family's never been too close anyways. In the last 6 or 7 months, I've gone through many prescription pills, a new eating disorder, near self-mutilation, sadness, anger, and LONLINESS. I live in an extremely small, segregated, and cliquey town which isn't what I'm used to, so friend-making has been minimal even though I'm a pretty cute and interesting girl. Dad definitely doesn't understand me and we have a long history of repeated trust breaking on his part. I've tried to get counseling appointments but he doesn't always follow through too well. And i guess my biggest problem has been trying the impossible: growing into womanhood loving life and myself without the acceptance, trust, guidance, or love from another female. I've finally gotten to know, like, and accept me but there's still this hugggee hole left there from the toxic waste of the relationship i used to have with my own mother. I've been through hell and so I'm smart and I'm also strong. But not strong enough for this. It's also bull* * * * when you know you deserve what you don't get to have. All the emptiness currently in my life has left me to NEVERRR feel or act like myself and sometimes (usually after fights with dad) fantasize about suicide, never going through with it of course. I've lost 15 lbs in a few months, which is big for such a petite one like me. (5'2). I NEED SOME GUIDANCE! What should i do???

stranded247 · 05-31-2008, 04:00 PM

Hey,
I'm really sorry your having to go through such a hard time when the teen years are angsty enough. I really think that part of the problem your having is, as you expressed-LONLINESS. It seems like perhaps you feel like you have no one to go to? So I'm guessing all these things like self harm, prescription meds, loosing lots of weight is your coping mechanism. Its horrible that you should have to result to that. But I think perhaps the first thing is to find someone close that you can talk to. Do you ever see your brothers? Is your dad with a different woman now? If so is she the sort of person you could trust? What is it about your dad that makes you feel suicidal?
I know at the moment you may feel totally alone but there is a saying that goes: "this too shall pass"-which pretty much applies to everything in life, its hard to believe but in a couple of years you probably wont feel like this, things will get better-they have to if you've hit rock bottom, and to me it sounds like you have. Are you not speaking to your mom at all? What about school, is it really tough making new friends?

05-31-2008, 03:12 PM	#1
twowaymonologue Offline Join Date: May 2008 Location: Middleton, WI Gender: Female Age: 18 Posts: 1	Depressed, Alone, Nowhere near myself I'm more seriously depressed and lonely than I've ever been before and the worst of the storm began around the holidays. At almost 17, I'm the youngest and the only girl of a mother with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and a naturally narcissistic father. I've done most of my growing up in the last year so at 15 I was still sort of having social problems (hence the bpd mom) that i don't have anymore. Last summer my dad moved me 1,200 miles away from home in florida to his third wife's hometown in wisconsin. They broke up before the new year began. Neither of my older brothers came along and my family's never been too close anyways. In the last 6 or 7 months, I've gone through many prescription pills, a new eating disorder, near self-mutilation, sadness, anger, and LONLINESS. I live in an extremely small, segregated, and cliquey town which isn't what I'm used to, so friend-making has been minimal even though I'm a pretty cute and interesting girl. Dad definitely doesn't understand me and we have a long history of repeated trust breaking on his part. I've tried to get counseling appointments but he doesn't always follow through too well. And i guess my biggest problem has been trying the impossible: growing into womanhood loving life and myself without the acceptance, trust, guidance, or love from another female. I've finally gotten to know, like, and accept me but there's still this hugggee hole left there from the toxic waste of the relationship i used to have with my own mother. I've been through hell and so I'm smart and I'm also strong. But not strong enough for this. It's also bull* * * * when you know you deserve what you don't get to have. All the emptiness currently in my life has left me to NEVERRR feel or act like myself and sometimes (usually after fights with dad) fantasize about suicide, never going through with it of course. I've lost 15 lbs in a few months, which is big for such a petite one like me. (5'2). I NEED SOME GUIDANCE! What should i do???

05-31-2008, 04:00 PM	#2
stranded247 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: in my head. Gender: Female Age: 18 Posts: 789	Hey, I'm really sorry your having to go through such a hard time when the teen years are angsty enough. I really think that part of the problem your having is, as you expressed-LONLINESS. It seems like perhaps you feel like you have no one to go to? So I'm guessing all these things like self harm, prescription meds, loosing lots of weight is your coping mechanism. Its horrible that you should have to result to that. But I think perhaps the first thing is to find someone close that you can talk to. Do you ever see your brothers? Is your dad with a different woman now? If so is she the sort of person you could trust? What is it about your dad that makes you feel suicidal? I know at the moment you may feel totally alone but there is a saying that goes: "this too shall pass"-which pretty much applies to everything in life, its hard to believe but in a couple of years you probably wont feel like this, things will get better-they have to if you've hit rock bottom, and to me it sounds like you have. Are you not speaking to your mom at all? What about school, is it really tough making new friends? __________________ " The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become." "Damn right I'm good in bed! I can sleep for days!" "I dont think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains"