Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Do emotionally abusive men like being chased? And do they get pleasure out of hurting their loved ones? My bf and I have constantly broken up.. mostly him doing the break up.. and of course I'd be stupid and cry and beg for him back. Many times he would tell me "its too late" or "this is the last straw".. and then when I would finally give up and back off.. he would find a way to come back in my life and then I'd end up getting back with him. I love him to death.. but its emotionally draining when he refuses to talk to me for days because of a fight or he will threaten to break up with me. I'm getting to the point where im sick and tired of this and im ready to leave.. but I still love him so much and we have so much history together. He can be a kind and loving man but when he's angry, he can get so ugly. I feel like he's a different person. I don't understand him.. does he enjoy making me miserable? He knows how much i love him and would do anything for him. And why is it that if hes the one that always breaks up with me.. when I finally decide to really leave and stop fighting for him, he comes back to me? I'm so confused..

Link to comment

You are where I was a few weeks ago. Same abusive SO.

 

There's nothing you can do until you finally realize that you're tired of his crap. There are other dudes. I personally took up 3 dates within the first 24 hours of my final breakup, and the first one turned out to be amazing on her own.

 

I know it feels like you've simply wasted the entire time you were with him if you leave him, but think of it this way. The point of being with someone is with some small chance that there's a future for you both. Do you think you're going to be able to handle this a year down the road, let alone 10?

Link to comment

yep, had one of those when i was 16. they take pleasure in your pain, it means they have control. it makes them feel better. they use control to make you feel bad and do what they want you to do. like stop wearing that shirt, stop talking to so & so, give up your friends, etc. and the counterpart (you) is the one who helps enable this spiral of abuse because we have seen what its like to be under their loving spells, and we want that back, we value those times. So we give in, and let them break us down. So it gets worse and worse, they throw bigger fits, they might hit the counterpart, increasing the violence and force, increasing the control. Until the counterpart gets fed up... and leaves.

I can assure you it will get worse. This is not the way love works, and this is not how human beings should be treated. You are not his puppet. Say it. You are not his puppet.

These men usually dont change. They are good enough at controlling to know that you will eventually take them back if they start putting the shine on their poop. And they will give you the honeymoon phase and give you that reward, and as quick as you can shake a stick they will go back to their old ways.

You don't deserve this, and he most likely won't change this attitude. The question you have to ask is--How long do you want to put up with this? How much worse do you want to see it get? before you say enough?

Don't waste your life on losers who try to control.

Link to comment

yes, i too have been through that, is awful and i feel for you. I did a thread about exactly this situation, called the push and pull treatment, its in relationship conflicts, i got alot of replies and some great advice if you wana read it, watch out for excalibur- talks alot of sense.....

 

good luck and hope that helps xx

Link to comment

I've been through the same situation. I dated a girl three separate times before realize she was just using me for an emotional boost. These types of people give you just enough so you'll still be interested when they come back again. It's a vicious cycle, and it took awhile for me to get over her. I just realized one day that it was pointless to be in a relationship with someone that gave me so little while I gave so much in return. There's not enough time in life to waste on people like this. It's hard, but you should move on and find someone that is better for you.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

our situations are the exact same. my boyfriend is abusive with me and he said them exact same things when i would beg for him back. he would say "its too late" ..but once he cooled down he would eventually come back around. that is how abusers work and if it wasnt how they worked, then why do abusers say the same exact things? and do the same exact things? I've tried not talking to him for a few days and he would eventually text me because he was having a bad day or something. I honestly dont know why they break up and say the things they do and then come back like it never happened. I wish i could get in the mind of him, or any abuser and really see how they feel. I dont know if they come back because they miss us or if they feel bad, or because they dont see their mistake as being that bad and think we will take them back. i really dont know and i doubt i will ever know. he will not let me ask him anything because he flips out

Link to comment
  • 9 months later...

Hello! Well I left a 10 year marriage in which i was both Physically and Verbally Abused. Then i met my current boyfriend. When I met him was a dream....He made me feel loved and attractive. The months passed by and noticed some irregular behavior. I moved into an apartment after living with him for 2 weeks after i left my husband. It was dead of winter (this was in Nov 08) i had no mode of transportation, no money, and my two kids. He had a steady job at the time, and that would be his excuse for not coming to see me. Now mind you he only lives 3 miles away. When we would argue about stupid things he would make me cry and did nothing to console me. He would give me the silent treatment. He would tell me we would be better off as friends, only to make me fall back in love again and each time alot harder. This past week i tried to break up with him and he kept saying its not over its not over.....only to have him dump me this week....i was devestated! I cried for 3 days straight i would wake up emotionally drained. Now when i found out he was an emotional abuser i had a huge eye opener! But I am barely grasping the concept of what he does and why he does it. Now he doesnt want to stop seeing me, he still wants us to be friends with benefits....Only to be able to have control over me.....So im still in this hell hole....im addicted and I found out that Im in love with the idea of him( the man i first met). But I keep reading and reading to find out more to find out what makes him and emotionally abusive people tick....what im wondering is if there is a way to break an emotional abuser?? thnks!

Link to comment

Wait a minute. I know this is the abuse post, but what do you guys fight about? Is it legitimate stuff? Is it substantive? Or is it a bunch of nebulous fluff?

 

If the fights are meaningless, then yes I would think that he gets off on the emotional swings. Run away now.

 

If the fights are over real issues, then maybe he does love you but you guys are (to some degree) extremely incompatible. Then, it's up to you to determine whether you want to work on these (real) issues with him or not.

Link to comment

Emotionally abusive men LOVE being chased.

 

My ex would fall out with his friends constantly. He would punish them by saying, "We're no longer friends - I hate you!" and they would bombard him with calls. His best friend, (who I think is a drug addicted loser), fell out wit him and my ex blanked him for weeks. He would anser his calls and listen to him cry down the phone, look at me and laugh! He loved to punish people, watch them crawl and beg him. It was a complete power trip - totally disgusting to watch.

 

He would be petty, find "flaws" that didn't exisist. Always pass the buck and deflect his problems onto me. He knew he didn;t deserve a bright, confident woman like me, so he tried to get me to the same level of his friends so he could manipulate me - so sick!

 

Last time I saw him we were just friends. He tried to punish me for talking to another guy but couldn't go through with it, (though he went far enough IMO), and more or less said he couldn't do it to me. Why? Probably because I called him out. Didn't take the bait. Remained indifferent and cool, calm and collected. Him not having any respect for me was bad enough - me losing respect for myself was not an option. People like this don't change. They may have the money, nice car, designer clothes and what-have-you, but they surround themselves with people who have very little self esteem to make themselves feel better about themselves.

 

You are a reflection of the people you surround yourself with - rememeber that!

Link to comment
  • 5 months later...
Emotionally abusive men LOVE being chased.

 

My ex would fall out with his friends constantly. He would punish them by saying, "We're no longer friends - I hate you!" and they would bombard him with calls. His best friend, (who I think is a drug addicted loser), fell out wit him and my ex blanked him for weeks. He would anser his calls and listen to him cry down the phone, look at me and laugh! He loved to punish people, watch them crawl and beg him. It was a complete power trip - totally disgusting to watch.

 

He would be petty, find "flaws" that didn't exisist. Always pass the buck and deflect his problems onto me. He knew he didn;t deserve a bright, confident woman like me, so he tried to get me to the same level of his friends so he could manipulate me - so sick!

 

!

 

wow this is exactly like this guy i was "seeing" for 2 years

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

For years, my DH was addicted to porn. We fought mightily over it. I begged, cried, pleaded and threatened to leave him sooooo many times. His reply was always, "It has nothing to do with you. This is who I am and you're not changing me." Finally, after years of this, I took a look at the whole situation objectively and decided that my feelings for him had changed. I really didn't care anymore ... literally. I stopped crying and pleading whenever he disappeared into the basement with his porn collection. Instead of seeing it as a negative, I began seeing it as ME time and I loved it! I went shopping, caught up with old friends, got my nails done, etc. It was so nice to be able to talk on the phone for as long as I wanted without the usual scrutiny. After a while though, I began to notice he wasn't doing his porn thing as often anymore and I asked him about it. He said, "To be honest, now that it doesn't bother you anymore, it's not as much fun." What a lightning bolt!!! I was stunned. It's been several years now and he hasn't done it at all, but that gave me an important clue to the motivation behind other behaviours of his and I've changed the way I respond to him ever since.

Link to comment

Abuse, emotional or otherwise, knows no gender.

 

This post should have been titled "Emotionally abusive PEOPLE" although after being with an abuser for a few years I hesitate to call them "people"...

 

Regarding control: Abuse is ALL about control. Control is the foundation is ALL abuse.

 

If you are in an abusive relationship LEAVE. It will not get better and in fact the longer you stay the worse the abuse becomes.

 

Time empowers the abuser.

Link to comment

Emotional abusers tend to do the 'hot and cold' thing. A classic pattern is closeness followed by withdrawal/coldness or aggression (for which they blame you) followed by closeness again when they sense you are pulling away. I went through this with an ex and it gradually erodes your sense of what is appropriate. It is emotionally exhausting and depletes your self-esteem and self-respect.

 

You also tend to get used to that dynamic, which is preoccupying even though it is draining, and you become a willing participant in the abuse. This is why so many abused partners find it difficult to leave their abuser and why they will make up excuses to exonerate them.

 

Recognise the pattern and if necessary get some professional counselling to support you through what you need to do - which is to break up with this man. Relationships don't have to be so unhealthy - they are supposed to be sources of mutual support, respect and nurturance.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

I had two consecutive emotionally abusive boyfriends, totaling 7 years. It's the only experience of love in my adult life that I've had... I still find it hard to be angry at the most recent one. Both admitted they were troubled, and my instinct is to be tolerant and calm their rage, trying hard to be a better girlfriend. I tell myself it's a passionate relationship, and that I'm devoted.

 

Admitting to myself what was going on is the hardest. They were both so charismatic and knew exactly how to seduce women-- smart, strong, confident women-- creating an illusion for as long as it took for them to be off guard and disbelieving when Mr Hyde took over.

 

Can you believe I am hoping for another reconciliation so I can tell myself, once again, that he was just going through a rough time and really does respect me? I still feel like I need that validation, specifically from him, to feel like a worthy person.

Link to comment
  • 2 years later...
this behavior is not emotional abuse, it's more of control than abuse.

This is all based on fear and ego

 

Yes agreed, you love them genuinely but the love you give is never returned, it is just an ego boost for them.

They won't let you get past the "cat and mouse" chase game, eventually when you start sticking up for yourself- they will discard you, devalue you, and * * * * * about you behind your back so they come off the "winner". it is sad because love is not a game, but everything IS to these men.

Link to comment

This post has been such an eye opener that I am not alone in being treated that way. I am finally getting out of an emotionally abusive relationship that got violent in the end. It's hard because you know you deserve better - but you often wonder why you're not being treated better and if its something you are doing wrong and as much as everyone says you can do so much better and deserve way more - deep down you think, well thats not what he made you believe - and you stop thinking you are entitled to the happy ending because you are a nasty, horrible person that dosnt deserve to be treated like a queen. I felt like he was drawn to me for being happy, fun, loving, friendly, hard working and social and then he would hold it against me. He'd constantly point out flaws but be hurtful about it - like bad table manners saying it was putting his off his food, taking over his life (because people liked me and wanted to be friends with me), throwing him a birthday party that was bigger then what he wanted, constant, CONSTANT criticism. One day he told me he didnt love me anymore - just to be hurtful. He got angry because I asked other people for help with something instead of relying on him, and then was unreliable and complained relentlessly about it when I did rely on him. going through my computer, facebook, phone, made me delete things and if he found things he didnt like he'd use it against me and be so nasty because I wasnt handling inappropriate comments well, or he'd find things about my previous relationships and throw them in my face.

 

It is astounding that men can be so emotionally abusive, horrible, nasty and what do they get from it? I have persevered through so much utter b.s because of chemistry and potential I thought was there. But I've realised it dosnt change, it only gets worse, it goes from terrible, to horrible, to shocking, to bad, to completely intolerable. They will always look for ways to make you feel like worthless, I am disgusted with myself for letting him treat me that way, but I dont know what I could have done, he was bigger, louder, nastier and too dominant and always wanted control, he'd say I was very manipulative when it was actually him. Its so damaging to experience this because when someone you love, who says they love you - treat you so badly, it makes you feel less then you are and takes you backwards. I am fighting all this pain from having been treated so badly to feel amazing and wonderful and deserving of a good love, and a good man.

 

All I can say is if you are with a man like this. GET OUT, they are poisonous and toxic to the soul - and you deserve better and are better off alone then with them because at least you can love yourself.

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

I think you just described my husband. Exact same pattern. He was the one who always did the breaking up and i was always the one finding a way to fix the marriage and beg him for another chance but he would ignore my messages and calls. And when i start to back off and stop sending him emails and calling him, he would start to communicate with me. Its the same BS over and over again and i finally got tired of it and completely ignored him. And now he is asking me back, but not without calling me names. I just said "goodbye" and stopped talking to him.

 

It is emotional abuse to be ignored. It is torture not knowing if he really meant what he said when he ended the relationship/marriage and no matter how you lower your pride, beg him and even as stupid as admitting it was your fault (even when you both know its not), when he doesnt respond to your messages, we freak out and we get stressed out. It is also about control. Yes, they take pleasure in seeing you plead them to take you back. It makes them feel more masculine, more powerful. It makes them feel like they are in control and they own you. They want to find out how much you are willing to bend for them.

 

So when my husband was back to his "i'll ignore you and enjoy reading your 'i want you back' emails", i didnt email him. I didnt leave him any message. I turned off my FaceTime, logged off my emails in my phone and ipad, turned off all Instant Messaging. When they realize that they have no control over you anymore, they begin to question themselves. But before you take him back, think about all the nasty things he said to you. Think about the hell he put you through. Think about how stressed out you were when they didnt respond to your messages. Do you want to be with a shady person for the rest of your life?

Link to comment
But I keep reading and reading to find out more to find out what makes him and emotionally abusive people tick....what im wondering is if there is a way to break an emotional abuser?? thnks!

Firstly, you can't change another person. The world would be a very different place if we could.

 

Rather than concentrating on what makes emotionally abusive people tick - sounds as though you've done enough of that to be able to make sense of it - a much more useful question is to ask why you're addicted and stay with them in the first place. You can discover some really interesting things about your unconscious beliefs and start to do the healing which will protect you from being involved with that kind of man in the first place - but your work is always with understanding yourself, not trying to find out ways of changing him.

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

He sounds like my dad who was an abusive man when I knew him. I still have emotional scars. He destroyed my mom's capacity for dealing with stress and making decisions. She's no longer a whole person and is on several medications that address her mental state. She should have left 30 years ago. My dad was physically abusive to my mom, to my older siblings and emotionally abusive to the youngest of his kids. He kept my mom pregnant with 7 kids in 8 years until my mom couldn't handle another pregnancy. She got her tubes tied because she couldn't handle the stress of pregnancy for another consecutive year and that made my father very angry. He kept her from getting a job and made sure my mom was totally dependent on him for economical support. He was very controlling. He did not allow my mom to have friends and cut her off from her own siblings and family. He said awful things about my mom when his friends or work friends would occasionally be at our house. He did not allow us kids to develop normal social lives with our peers. I have significant frustration in my own life because of the abusive behaviors my father dished out on his family. After years of me trying to understand my father, I finally came to the conclusion that I think he is insane. I refuse to speak to him and moved 3 hours away in order to ensure that he has no control over my life what so ever. He is like a parasite that destroyed the family. He boggled my mind. He was charismatic, social, made his own friends, had his own career and decent people liked him. I knew they never saw the real person my father was. When my mom finally left, it was after a violent fight. He tried to sweet talk her back together with him. They were on again, off again for a couple of years. Finally, she broke it off and he began stalking her and trying to intrude on her property and break into her home. She had a restraining order placed. When my parents met and fell in love, my dad was charming and kind for the first year of their relationship, according to my mom. After the first year, he started acting worse and worse as I described above. If you are worried about things now you better look into the future at what will happen to your unsuspecting children and the older version of yourself. Abusive people, in my experience, come from a family history of abuse that they pass on. Don't be a party to it because it is pathetic, selfish, and destructive.

Link to comment

By the way, I would not focus on weather or not abusive men like to be chased or not. They are disgusting men who should be avoided if you have any respect for life. Why you'd want to tangle with an abusive man in the first place is way more important. You better not try to change him because it won't happen. He will change you for the worse. You better get on with your life without abuse in it. Period. (In my opinion and personal experiences).

Link to comment

I guess it is difficult when you truly do not know what it means to be abused. I am used to being told oh its not that bad and yeah its just a fight but did anyone live in the same home as me and make those same comments? When you shake like a leaf wondering when the next egg shell breaks or thinking about how nice it is to have a moment when you arent told how stupid you are and how incapable you are and how financially corrupt you are when there is no proof of those claims? I feel the only mistake I made was committing myself to a relationship that lasted almost 30 years. I kept telling myself he would change or that once the kids grew up I wouldnt have to face him pulling them away from me. oh my heart must be big because it hurts so damn bad and wish I could have made a decision before I lost a great job and now wonder what my next step will be.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...