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  1. #1
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    Emotionally abusive men

    Do emotionally abusive men like being chased? And do they get pleasure out of hurting their loved ones? My bf and I have constantly broken up.. mostly him doing the break up.. and of course I'd be stupid and cry and beg for him back. Many times he would tell me "its too late" or "this is the last straw".. and then when I would finally give up and back off.. he would find a way to come back in my life and then I'd end up getting back with him. I love him to death.. but its emotionally draining when he refuses to talk to me for days because of a fight or he will threaten to break up with me. I'm getting to the point where im sick and tired of this and im ready to leave.. but I still love him so much and we have so much history together. He can be a kind and loving man but when he's angry, he can get so ugly. I feel like he's a different person. I don't understand him.. does he enjoy making me miserable? He knows how much i love him and would do anything for him. And why is it that if hes the one that always breaks up with me.. when I finally decide to really leave and stop fighting for him, he comes back to me? I'm so confused..

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  3. #2
    Gold Member Russ's Avatar
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    You are where I was a few weeks ago. Same abusive SO.

    There's nothing you can do until you finally realize that you're tired of his crap. There are other dudes. I personally took up 3 dates within the first 24 hours of my final breakup, and the first one turned out to be amazing on her own.

    I know it feels like you've simply wasted the entire time you were with him if you leave him, but think of it this way. The point of being with someone is with some small chance that there's a future for you both. Do you think you're going to be able to handle this a year down the road, let alone 10?

  4. #3
    Platinum Member EQD's Avatar
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    yep, had one of those when i was 16. they take pleasure in your pain, it means they have control. it makes them feel better. they use control to make you feel bad and do what they want you to do. like stop wearing that shirt, stop talking to so & so, give up your friends, etc. and the counterpart (you) is the one who helps enable this spiral of abuse because we have seen what its like to be under their loving spells, and we want that back, we value those times. So we give in, and let them break us down. So it gets worse and worse, they throw bigger fits, they might hit the counterpart, increasing the violence and force, increasing the control. Until the counterpart gets fed up... and leaves.
    I can assure you it will get worse. This is not the way love works, and this is not how human beings should be treated. You are not his puppet. Say it. You are not his puppet.
    These men usually dont change. They are good enough at controlling to know that you will eventually take them back if they start putting the shine on their poop. And they will give you the honeymoon phase and give you that reward, and as quick as you can shake a stick they will go back to their old ways.
    You don't deserve this, and he most likely won't change this attitude. The question you have to ask is--How long do you want to put up with this? How much worse do you want to see it get? before you say enough?
    Don't waste your life on losers who try to control.
    Is growing up all the time.

  5. #4
    Gold Member starlight40's Avatar
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    yes, i too have been through that, is awful and i feel for you. I did a thread about exactly this situation, called the push and pull treatment, its in relationship conflicts, i got alot of replies and some great advice if you wana read it, watch out for excalibur- talks alot of sense.....

    good luck and hope that helps xx

  6. #5
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    I've been through the same situation. I dated a girl three separate times before realize she was just using me for an emotional boost. These types of people give you just enough so you'll still be interested when they come back again. It's a vicious cycle, and it took awhile for me to get over her. I just realized one day that it was pointless to be in a relationship with someone that gave me so little while I gave so much in return. There's not enough time in life to waste on people like this. It's hard, but you should move on and find someone that is better for you.

  7. #6
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    our situations are the exact same. my boyfriend is abusive with me and he said them exact same things when i would beg for him back. he would say "its too late" ..but once he cooled down he would eventually come back around. that is how abusers work and if it wasnt how they worked, then why do abusers say the same exact things? and do the same exact things? I've tried not talking to him for a few days and he would eventually text me because he was having a bad day or something. I honestly dont know why they break up and say the things they do and then come back like it never happened. I wish i could get in the mind of him, or any abuser and really see how they feel. I dont know if they come back because they miss us or if they feel bad, or because they dont see their mistake as being that bad and think we will take them back. i really dont know and i doubt i will ever know. he will not let me ask him anything because he flips out

  8. #7
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    Hello! Well I left a 10 year marriage in which i was both Physically and Verbally Abused. Then i met my current boyfriend. When I met him was a dream....He made me feel loved and attractive. The months passed by and noticed some irregular behavior. I moved into an apartment after living with him for 2 weeks after i left my husband. It was dead of winter (this was in Nov 0 i had no mode of transportation, no money, and my two kids. He had a steady job at the time, and that would be his excuse for not coming to see me. Now mind you he only lives 3 miles away. When we would argue about stupid things he would make me cry and did nothing to console me. He would give me the silent treatment. He would tell me we would be better off as friends, only to make me fall back in love again and each time alot harder. This past week i tried to break up with him and he kept saying its not over its not over.....only to have him dump me this week....i was devestated! I cried for 3 days straight i would wake up emotionally drained. Now when i found out he was an emotional abuser i had a huge eye opener! But I am barely grasping the concept of what he does and why he does it. Now he doesnt want to stop seeing me, he still wants us to be friends with benefits....Only to be able to have control over me.....So im still in this hell hole....im addicted and I found out that Im in love with the idea of him( the man i first met). But I keep reading and reading to find out more to find out what makes him and emotionally abusive people tick....what im wondering is if there is a way to break an emotional abuser?? thnks!

  9. #8
    Member RachelNY's Avatar
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    Your guy sounds so much like mine it's almost scary!!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member summerpeach's Avatar
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    this behavior is not emotional abuse, it's more of control than abuse.
    This is all based on fear and ego

  11. #10
    Platinum Member oldenoughtoknow's Avatar
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    Wait a minute. I know this is the abuse post, but what do you guys fight about? Is it legitimate stuff? Is it substantive? Or is it a bunch of nebulous fluff?

    If the fights are meaningless, then yes I would think that he gets off on the emotional swings. Run away now.

    If the fights are over real issues, then maybe he does love you but you guys are (to some degree) extremely incompatible. Then, it's up to you to determine whether you want to work on these (real) issues with him or not.

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