I have been hearing a 3 year old lie! Should I be mad?

mem901 · 05-30-2008, 01:13 PM

I need some advice! My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years. 3 years ago she broke up with me for about a month to "find herself". When we were considering getting back together I asked if she had been with anyone sexualy during the time we were apart and she said no. Come to find out she had a sexual relationship once with a guy and she just now told me about it. Everything has been good for the past 3 years. I guess this is not an issue of if I should be mad, but how mad should I be. Should we break up? I dont know what to think.

CatsMeeoow · 05-30-2008, 01:19 PM

It was 3 years ago... if things are good now... LET IT GO...

She probably felt guilt and thought you wouldn't work things out if she said yes. If shes's been faithful since and you two have a great future ahead just let her know you wish she could have trusted you with the truth and that you hope in the future she can be honest about everything and how you vaule it above all else... AND then LET IT GO. Never bring it up again. She'll respect you for giving your opinion and not torturing her over for the next decade.

ryan123 · 05-30-2008, 01:20 PM

Whats most troubling is that she couldn't tell you honestly, after 3 years of being together, if she slept with anyone during that break.

That just goes to show that the month break to "find herself" was just an excuse to keep you on the side and to get her flings in that she missed from her single life. Reasons for me thinking that is she lied to you about sleeping with someone(probably for fear of you coming to the same conclusion I came up with) even though it was innocent because you two weren't dating and she had nothing to hide. The only thing she had to hide was her real intentions behind "finding herself" for a month.

metrogirl · 05-30-2008, 01:26 PM

The two of you were not together, so will all due respect it wasn't really any of your business whether she had another sexual relationship. The two of you are back together so obviously her heart is with you and no one else. No need to be upset.

If everything is good between the two of you otherwise then let it be and continue enjoying ur relationship.

DN · 05-30-2008, 01:31 PM

I think it is anyone's right to have a sexual relationship with someone else when broken up. But there isn't an absolute right to lie about it to the ex when considering a reconciliation for more than one reason, not least of which is the chance of contracting an STD. Had she told the truth the OP may not have taken her back - and that would have been his right.

mem901 - wlecome to eNotAlone. Why did this issue come up now - what prompted her to tell the truth after all this time?

karvala · 05-30-2008, 01:56 PM

There are two reasons I would be bothered by this. First, as others have said, is that she lied to you, and this is not a good sign. I can see why she lied and many others would do the same in her situation, but that doesn't make it acceptable in my view. Second, is that it seems likely (though not certain) that she lied in the "I'm going to find myself" breakup in the first place, and that in reality she probably had that type of thing (possibly even with that specific guy) when she broke up with you. It doesn't set a good precedent to interrupt a long-term relationship for a month under a spurious pretext when the real objective is to go and have a short fling with someone else.

If I were in your position, I wouldn't break up with her, but I would press hard for details of exactly how and when she met this guy, and what the real circumstances surrounding that breakup were, because I'm not convinced you've heard everything yet.

arcadefire · 05-30-2008, 02:11 PM

I wouldn't take her back. She lied to you (obviously to get you back). But if you can find it in your heart to trust her again (might be hard), then you could pass it over. It's been three years after all. Depends how willing you are to trust her.

richmonder80 · 05-30-2008, 02:24 PM

i would be pissed about her lying to me. If you are angry about you not hooking up and her hooking up while you were separated than that isn't fair as you guys were broken up. But the lying is definitely something to be upset over and I would be pissed about her breaking up with you because she wanted to have encouters with another man.

ghost69 · 05-30-2008, 02:36 PM

what happens if she busts out, '7 years ago i ..... ' then what? because it was so long ago you should let it go....pffft. get the point? she's a liar. your whole relationship could be tarnished for all you know. that is a huge piece of information. this puts your health at risk as well. what if she then says, 'remember your friend johnny....it was him.' then what?

Lana0120 · 05-30-2008, 02:36 PM

Don't break up. It happened three years ago, so it's in the distant past, and you weren't officially together at the time. Unless there are any other problems in your relationship, I'd suggest that you let it go.

05-30-2008, 01:13 PM	#1
mem901 Offline Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 1	I have been hearing a 3 year old lie! Should I be mad? I need some advice! My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 years. 3 years ago she broke up with me for about a month to "find herself". When we were considering getting back together I asked if she had been with anyone sexualy during the time we were apart and she said no. Come to find out she had a sexual relationship once with a guy and she just now told me about it. Everything has been good for the past 3 years. I guess this is not an issue of if I should be mad, but how mad should I be. Should we break up? I dont know what to think.

05-30-2008, 01:26 PM	#4
metrogirl Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: SGV Gender: Female Age: 39 Posts: 4,687	The two of you were not together, so will all due respect it wasn't really any of your business whether she had another sexual relationship. The two of you are back together so obviously her heart is with you and no one else. No need to be upset. If everything is good between the two of you otherwise then let it be and continue enjoying ur relationship. __________________ Whether one believes in a religion or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion. Dalai Lama Any hope I had for my Seahawks flew out the window when I heard Lofa Tatupu will be out for the rest of the season. (sighs) They call me Ghettro.......Well Scorpion Fury does anyway. LOL

05-30-2008, 01:31 PM	#5
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	I think it is anyone's right to have a sexual relationship with someone else when broken up. But there isn't an absolute right to lie about it to the ex when considering a reconciliation for more than one reason, not least of which is the chance of contracting an STD. Had she told the truth the OP may not have taken her back - and that would have been his right. mem901 - wlecome to eNotAlone. Why did this issue come up now - what prompted her to tell the truth after all this time? __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

05-30-2008, 01:56 PM	#6
karvala Online Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,330	There are two reasons I would be bothered by this. First, as others have said, is that she lied to you, and this is not a good sign. I can see why she lied and many others would do the same in her situation, but that doesn't make it acceptable in my view. Second, is that it seems likely (though not certain) that she lied in the "I'm going to find myself" breakup in the first place, and that in reality she probably had that type of thing (possibly even with that specific guy) when she broke up with you. It doesn't set a good precedent to interrupt a long-term relationship for a month under a spurious pretext when the real objective is to go and have a short fling with someone else. If I were in your position, I wouldn't break up with her, but I would press hard for details of exactly how and when she met this guy, and what the real circumstances surrounding that breakup were, because I'm not convinced you've heard everything yet. __________________ May you live all the days of your life Trying to heal from after a breakup? Perhaps you need Enhanced No Contact: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1438257

05-30-2008, 02:11 PM	#7
arcadefire Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 1,288	I wouldn't take her back. She lied to you (obviously to get you back). But if you can find it in your heart to trust her again (might be hard), then you could pass it over. It's been three years after all. Depends how willing you are to trust her. __________________ I've been searching for a heart of gold... - Neil Young

05-30-2008, 01:19 PM	#2
CatsMeeoow Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: In The Middle Of It All Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 1,775	It was 3 years ago... if things are good now... LET IT GO... She probably felt guilt and thought you wouldn't work things out if she said yes. If shes's been faithful since and you two have a great future ahead just let her know you wish she could have trusted you with the truth and that you hope in the future she can be honest about everything and how you vaule it above all else... AND then LET IT GO. Never bring it up again. She'll respect you for giving your opinion and not torturing her over for the next decade.

05-30-2008, 01:20 PM	#3
ryan123 Offline Join Date: May 2007 Location: MASSHOLE Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 1,220	Whats most troubling is that she couldn't tell you honestly, after 3 years of being together, if she slept with anyone during that break. That just goes to show that the month break to "find herself" was just an excuse to keep you on the side and to get her flings in that she missed from her single life. Reasons for me thinking that is she lied to you about sleeping with someone(probably for fear of you coming to the same conclusion I came up with) even though it was innocent because you two weren't dating and she had nothing to hide. The only thing she had to hide was her real intentions behind "finding herself" for a month.

05-30-2008, 02:24 PM	#8
richmonder80 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 651	i would be pissed about her lying to me. If you are angry about you not hooking up and her hooking up while you were separated than that isn't fair as you guys were broken up. But the lying is definitely something to be upset over and I would be pissed about her breaking up with you because she wanted to have encouters with another man.

05-30-2008, 02:36 PM	#9
ghost69 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Desert Gender: Male Posts: 33,434	what happens if she busts out, '7 years ago i ..... ' then what? because it was so long ago you should let it go....pffft. get the point? she's a liar. your whole relationship could be tarnished for all you know. that is a huge piece of information. this puts your health at risk as well. what if she then says, 'remember your friend johnny....it was him.' then what? __________________ Not only am I friendly, but I'm invisible too. Too perfect of a relationship is too weird-g69 If you say you are normal, I'd think you are weird-g69 The world can only get better, it depends on how you look at it-g69 'As wicked as you are, you're beautiful to me'-5fingerdeathpunch you cannot control the world, you can only live in it the best you can for you-g69 NooOoOoooOOoOoOoooooo

05-30-2008, 02:36 PM	#10
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,467	Don't break up. It happened three years ago, so it's in the distant past, and you weren't officially together at the time. Unless there are any other problems in your relationship, I'd suggest that you let it go.