When so called close friends let you down, forgive, confront or forget?

[alba]

This may sound petty, but its really left me hurting.

I have two friends who I consider close friends, one in particular I thought we were extremely close.

We had a night out aranged for last night. I had really been looking forward to it as we hadn't had a good proper night out together in a few weeks. On thursday she told me that they probably weren't going out now as they couldn't afford it. Last night about 7:30pm I text both of them to ask if things were definately still off. Niether of them replied. About 9:30pm I was a bit annoyed, but also a but suspicious that niether of them had replied, so I sent a slightly sarcastic, but jokey message "I take it thats a yes then". About 15 minutes she replied and said "sarahs mate drove, we've only come up for one or two to meet Steve (my housemate) and matt (one of my best mates)"

I was hurt so I sent back "ok cheers. Im here in the local having a drink on my own, thanks for letting me know!" to which she sent an arsey reply of "not a problem". I felt bad for snapping and said "sorry I didn't mean to snap but you told me you werent going up town and I text you early to ask and neither of you answered" - to which she simply replied "it was a last minute thing".

I feel hurt that they didn't think to invite me up after they had told me they werent going and i text them to check. Part of me thinks well at least she was honest she admitted they had gone in the end, but I also wonder if she only replied because they had bumped into my housemate and knew I would find out anyway.

I don't expect to go out with them everytime, but this also happened a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to be going to the greyhound races for her birthday night out. About 2 in the afternoon she text and said "not out tonight" when i asked why she said noones got any money, that she was out having a drink and she would text me in a bit to let me know what was happening. Well she didnt and it turned out that they were all down the local pub from about 2:00 til 9:00 and they again didnt think to ask.

She made out that they only went out as somebody drove them, but I spoke to my housemate and he says that they were meeting the person who drove up there later on, so it was another lie.

The thing that gets me is this person is and has said we are really good friends.She has said in the past that I am the only person she really trusts, and I used to feel the same. I have been there for her through so much.

I stuck by her when her dad nearly died, when she was having boyfriend issues, when she had two big fallouts with her other best mate (the other person i was supposed to be out with). Whenver she has been down or unhappy I have been there for her, have cheered her up and made her feel better about herself.

And what gets me is only a couple of months ago she was moaning to me about the times the girl she was out with has gone out and not invited her, saying that it hurt her and that she would always invite me if she was going out. It hurt that she didn't even apologies and when I had origninally text, yeah maybe i was sarcastic but I wasn't being malicious i was just hurt, she tried to explain but she didn't once say sorry. If she had just been honest and said yeah we went but we wanted it to be just us girls I would have understood. But to me "it was a last minute thing" is no excuse. Id already asked and it takes two minutes to text someone. Shes never been the best person to talk things through and I just have this feeling now she is going to be arsey and ignore me.

I don't know whether to just pretend nothing has happened, tell them how I feel (which will probably end up in her just ignoring me or getting funny with me, or just to forget them ignore them and if they still consider me a friend let them come to me and make the effort. I just thought I could trust them particularly her. The other girl has just come online on msn and gone straight back off again. Not sure how to handle this, they mean alot to me but I don't want to be used.

i've had such good times with them in the past it's hard to think of breaking things off with them. I have other friends but they have all settled down and rarely socialise. I felt really close to her you know, we often chat for hours, she says I am one of the only people she can open up to, and i'm the same with her. I sometimes feel that as long as they both have each other to go out with that they probably don't care, and I'm just their back-up. What makes it worse is I was feeling down this week, she could tell and asked me why and I explained that i'm just feeling kinda lonely lately, ive been single for a while and that sometimes if my friends dont go out I spend the whole weekend on my own and wont see a soul. For her not to think and do this after me telling her that only days ago makes me think wow! I give so much to her but get very little back when it really counts.


Now another thing is, I don't know whether to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know her well and I know she is not the best person at talking things through. She would just go quiet and ignore things until they blow over. I just wish I knew whether or not she felt bad about it, felt any guilt. The way she answered with "not a prob" last night would suggest not, but from the other things she has said to me in the past I would be really shocked if she really didn't care. She probably won't apologise and she will just go quiet and not talk to me for a while. If I knew she felt bad or guilty I could forgive her, but at the same time why should I have to put up with that? I was quick to apologise to her last night for snapping at her and explained that it was just because I was hurt. But she didn't say any more. A simple heartfelt sorry would do, until the next time then I would definately know her true colours.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, it does indeed sound like you are being blown off. She pulled the same stunt twice, both times with this thing about someone else driving. You could play it two ways at this point: you can talk to her face to face or even on the phone and tell her that you feel very hurt about what has happened twice. She may clam up, make excuses, deny etc. If she plays any of those games (which are indeed done deliberately in order to make the other person uncomfortable so that they back off) then you need to be insistent about how that is unacceptable and hurtful to you. Then see if things improve or they start completely excluding you. The other option is to just walk away and not bother contacting them...just get on with your own life and if she is indeed your friend she will contact you...if she was trying to end the friendship then you won't hear from her.

[mca1975]

hi alba, well ive only read half of your post, and they dont seem like friends to me. My friends would never do/say things like that cause we care about each other's feelings. I cant believe she text back "no problem" to that first incident, how rude. I would have been like "errr, **** you". Blow them off and find some other friends who will be nicer/more considerate. Dont take it to heart or personally, tho its hard not to, maybe they are jealous of you cause you better lookin than them! this is normally what this kind of thing is about, jealousy in some form!
x

[mca1975]

I wouldnt even bother talking to them about it, just stay away from them and go out with other people, they sound untrustworthy. You need friends in your life that make you feel good/nice/make you laugh, not frieds that make you feel like crap. Cut these friends out, I have had to do that a few times before, and I havent even missed them. Sometimes people just out grow each other, or grow tired of each other, as people change over time.

[alba]

Thanks, I think thats what got me the most. I think i didn't react inapproiately by saying "ok cheers thanks for letting me know" etc, yes it was sarcastic, but I had just been let down and ignored. It was that "not a problem" response that really got me, I thought I meant more to her than that, I thought the things we had been through and the things I had done for her counted for more. If she had said "sorry it was arranged at the last minute, I didn't think Im really sorry" - things would be ok right now, I would have understood. BUt I feel like with that response she turned the tables to make me feel bad. And you can bet that if it was me who had not have invited her I would have gotten a similar response from her. Infact I have in the past. About a year ago we were out one night the three of us, the one girl was chatting someone up and she wasn't really bothering with me so I said I was going, she text me and said "thanks for leaving me with them pair, I appreciate it" - so me being a good friend came back. She had a go at me for leaving but then forgave me, and then proceeded to leave me on my own and spend the next hour or so chatting up the doorman. And ive been there when sarah has let her down and left us when we are out etc and she has sent similar messages to her. But when I do it its wrong!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow, I have had "friends" like you describe...I ended those one-sided friendships and never looked back. These people are not your friends, they are users. I would cut those toxic people out of your life and find someone who is not just LOOKING for a friend but is also interested in BEING a friend.

[alba]

So lets presume the worst and say that because she feels akward, or simply because she doesn't care, she just ignores me from now on. I have no choice other than to move on and get over it. Do I just ignore them back and give them the silent treatment, or do I confront them and let them know how much they have hurt me and how I felt like I deserve better after all ive done for them?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I wouldn't bother confronting them...in fact, if you happen to run into them, you can smile, say hello and continue on your merry way. I had to do that with people who were treating me shabbily, and let me tell you, they can't stand when you are not bothered by their games...they WANT you to go begging for them. When I didn't this person came running to me...but still wouldn't acknowledge wrong-doing, still tried to re-write history and deflect blame..so I told her flat out that the friendship is over. These people are really not worth your time. There is nothing wrong with being civil and polite, but that's it...you don't need them.

[Pocket Rocket]

Hi alba,

Ever heard the phrase "Love is a verb"? Well this is perfect example of that. If your friend truly loved you as a friend and respected you it would show. Forget what she says, it is action that counts, not words. Your friend has acted pretty disgracefully. You can confront her and tell her you felt hurt both times when they blew you off and that you didn't appreciate response. If she doesn't change her ways (even if she apologises) or disregards your feelings, find better friends who are loyal, caring and honest.

[Lana0120]

You're definitely being blown off. Your friend doesn't even sound that bothered when you expressed your annoyance at what happened. Based on those responses from her, I don't think she's even worth confronting. Personally, I would not give her the satisfaction of being able to spread rumours around with your other friends about how you 'went off on one' at her. Don't rely on her for things to do - if you want to do things with your mutual friends, invite them on nights out. To be honest though, I think you're just better off finding a new group of friends, as things can get a bit tricky when someone in a group is being ousted and they try and keep to date with other friends.