Boyfriend of 2 yrs suddenly saying he's not ready to commit

kiwi24 · 05-18-2008, 06:33 PM

I am 25 and my boyfriend/fiance is 27. We have been together for 2 years now. My culture is different in that there are a lot of arranged marriages and "dating" is frowned upon. Marriage topics are to be thorougly discussed with parents on both side with agreement.
Initially after a year into the relationship I asked my boyfriend what his intentions were pertaining to this whole marriage issue. He said intially met my family to start the marriage talks but then later decided that he wasn't ready. This forced us to end our relationship. Couple of months later he said to me that he wanted to try again and that he was sorry. He asked me not to pressure him and he would let me know in several months but that at this point he was comitted. I went overseas for one month. While I was gone he daily called and emailed and told me he missed and loved me and to come back soon. When I came back my friends told me that during my time away he expressed to them that he wanted to marry me and that he was sure. He also took me to look at rings.
Again I told him if he wasnt ready then let me know so that we didnt get the families involved. But he assured me he was ready. Then the families get involved and they don't like it one bit. My family is pressuring to have the marriage this year but his family just not wanting it for him. Lately in the last couple of months he playfully whines that he doesnt want to get married that he is scared of marriage. Last weeking he wrote to me "I want to build a perfect family with you..." But then we got into an argument on Friday about the wedding dates and I in my anger said lets break it off if we can't agree. Suprisingly he said okay because he said he wasn't ready. He was supposed to give me a firm answer yesterday but hasn't as of yet. he sent me a text saying "my heart just sinks thinking about it..." and then at the same time he says he doesn't want emotional blackmail or deadlines...he needs time to think...as an overall personality my bf is usually confused and can't make decisions easily. He also lost his jobs several months ago and has had problems finding one since. And I didn't mind supporting him until he found one. He also told all our common friends last week that we were getting married this year....why would he do that if he wasn't ready??....I don't understand the turn around all of a sudden. I love him a lot and I'm afraid I can't wait long as our family situation makes it more difficult.
What do I do? When I try to talk to him he shuts down...he says he wants to be left alone to think....how long do I give him?? I think hes making a wrong decision and that hes caving to the pressure....

Please help!!

**annie24** · 05-18-2008, 06:41 PM

welcome to enotalone - it sounds like he's been pressured by his family, why don't they like you, do you know?

maybe breaking off the engagement was for the best....

kiwi24 · 05-18-2008, 07:03 PM

His family wants him to marry a girl of there choice...aka arranged marriage....from what I have heard another girl also broke of her engagment to his brother because his family gave them hell....

but the thing is I have invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship and so has he. Even he is confused if we should really end it...i just dont know what to do...

**lady00** · 05-18-2008, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiwi24

His family wants him to marry a girl of there choice...aka arranged marriage....from what I have heard another girl also broke of her engagment to his brother because his family gave them hell....

but the thing is I have invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship and so has he. Even he is confused if we should really end it...i just dont know what to do...

Well, I think you guys are old enough to where you need to take charge in these matters. I think despite their stubbornness, his parents might come around eventually. It's a tough thing though--you will be risking alienating them if you try to move forward with the relationship. At the same time, they may eventually be OK with it. It really depends, I think, on how invested you both are in the relationship and how important it is to the both of you that it works out. All I can say is, keep talking to him about it, see if he can talk to his parents some more and work this out.

android · 05-18-2008, 08:44 PM

are u an indian? by any chance?

**Hope75** · 05-19-2008, 09:31 PM

If your boyfriend can't make his own decisions about wanting to marry you, and marriage is a relationship goal for you, I think you are wasting your time with him.

Let him go and give him back the ring. Do you really want to go into a lifetime commitment with someone who goes back and forth about it like this?

I know I wouldn't.

kiwi24 · 05-21-2008, 11:38 AM

well the main issue is i cant get him to talk seriously. if i bring up the topic he shutsdown and starts joking or otherwise says he doest want to talk about it or will ruin his mood. i do also feel that he can stand up to the parents and has in the past. they will try there hardest to c to it that this doesnt go through but it is up to my bf to stand up. but as of now we are barely even talking...how do i get him to open up as he really doesnt talk about these things and gets pressured or uncomfortable when the topic comes up.....

Excalibur · 05-21-2008, 12:14 PM

You did get him to talk seriously - you just don't like the words.

He was willing to marry and all about it - when he thought his family who he's told you up front has to be in the rpocess and agreeing to his choice....would go along with his choosing you.

Now that he's finding out his family doesn't aprove of you as a choice, he's not willing to marry..which is what he said in the first place.

kiwi24 · 05-21-2008, 12:22 PM

no he told me time n time again that his parents werent happy abt it but said basically do what u want. he said even if they werent happy he was still commited and wanted to marry. the point is we had an argument aout a response he was to give to my dad in a timely manner wich he never did. after that argument he said he wasnt ready. issue with the parents has been going on for 3+ months so its nothing new. just last week he announnced to our friends that we were getting married and went and bought the ring.

Excalibur · 05-21-2008, 12:26 PM

You've got this very intertwined and your'e a little confusing here, as well, so maybe I don't have it straight.

But you told your boyfriend "let's not talk about marriage to my parents unless you're serious about following thru with marriage".

Okay - that is a request you can make, but it's also going to require you to have some indepth conversations wwith your boyfriend about the fact his parents don't agree with his choice in you, and is he wanting to proceed anyway?

Did you have those conversations? Or did you assume that your stating you didn't want to get your parents involved unless he was serious meant he was serious and going to defy his family's preference, when you got your family involved?

At any rate, it's fairly simple now....he doesn't want to marry you because his parents don't agree to his choice...and you are now feeling this enormous pressure to proceed with a ceremony because you've gotten your parents involved.

So now YOU get to make decisions, not him......do you stay with him, ceasing all talk of marriage, and all thought of marriage as you now KNOW he won't marry you ever - because his parents don't agree with his choice.

Or do you stop dating him and move on to find someone that wants marriage with you, and wnats to proceed towards it in a timely manner?

05-18-2008, 06:33 PM	#1
kiwi24 Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Texas Gender: Female Posts: 59	Boyfriend of 2 yrs suddenly saying he's not ready to commit I am 25 and my boyfriend/fiance is 27. We have been together for 2 years now. My culture is different in that there are a lot of arranged marriages and "dating" is frowned upon. Marriage topics are to be thorougly discussed with parents on both side with agreement. Initially after a year into the relationship I asked my boyfriend what his intentions were pertaining to this whole marriage issue. He said intially met my family to start the marriage talks but then later decided that he wasn't ready. This forced us to end our relationship. Couple of months later he said to me that he wanted to try again and that he was sorry. He asked me not to pressure him and he would let me know in several months but that at this point he was comitted. I went overseas for one month. While I was gone he daily called and emailed and told me he missed and loved me and to come back soon. When I came back my friends told me that during my time away he expressed to them that he wanted to marry me and that he was sure. He also took me to look at rings. Again I told him if he wasnt ready then let me know so that we didnt get the families involved. But he assured me he was ready. Then the families get involved and they don't like it one bit. My family is pressuring to have the marriage this year but his family just not wanting it for him. Lately in the last couple of months he playfully whines that he doesnt want to get married that he is scared of marriage. Last weeking he wrote to me "I want to build a perfect family with you..." But then we got into an argument on Friday about the wedding dates and I in my anger said lets break it off if we can't agree. Suprisingly he said okay because he said he wasn't ready. He was supposed to give me a firm answer yesterday but hasn't as of yet. he sent me a text saying "my heart just sinks thinking about it..." and then at the same time he says he doesn't want emotional blackmail or deadlines...he needs time to think...as an overall personality my bf is usually confused and can't make decisions easily. He also lost his jobs several months ago and has had problems finding one since. And I didn't mind supporting him until he found one. He also told all our common friends last week that we were getting married this year....why would he do that if he wasn't ready??....I don't understand the turn around all of a sudden. I love him a lot and I'm afraid I can't wait long as our family situation makes it more difficult. What do I do? When I try to talk to him he shuts down...he says he wants to be left alone to think....how long do I give him?? I think hes making a wrong decision and that hes caving to the pressure.... Please help!!

05-18-2008, 08:44 PM	#5
android Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Canada Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 221	are u an indian? by any chance? __________________ Where there was light, the shadows were meant to be deeper... Make happy those who are near, and those who are far will come... The Android...

05-19-2008, 09:31 PM	#6
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	If your boyfriend can't make his own decisions about wanting to marry you, and marriage is a relationship goal for you, I think you are wasting your time with him. Let him go and give him back the ring. Do you really want to go into a lifetime commitment with someone who goes back and forth about it like this? I know I wouldn't. __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

05-18-2008, 06:41 PM	#2
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,833	welcome to enotalone - it sounds like he's been pressured by his family, why don't they like you, do you know? maybe breaking off the engagement was for the best....

05-18-2008, 07:03 PM	#3
kiwi24 Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Texas Gender: Female Posts: 59	His family wants him to marry a girl of there choice...aka arranged marriage....from what I have heard another girl also broke of her engagment to his brother because his family gave them hell.... but the thing is I have invested a lot of time and effort into this relationship and so has he. Even he is confused if we should really end it...i just dont know what to do...

05-21-2008, 11:38 AM	#7
kiwi24 Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Texas Gender: Female Posts: 59	well the main issue is i cant get him to talk seriously. if i bring up the topic he shutsdown and starts joking or otherwise says he doest want to talk about it or will ruin his mood. i do also feel that he can stand up to the parents and has in the past. they will try there hardest to c to it that this doesnt go through but it is up to my bf to stand up. but as of now we are barely even talking...how do i get him to open up as he really doesnt talk about these things and gets pressured or uncomfortable when the topic comes up.....

05-21-2008, 12:14 PM	#8
Excalibur Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1,651	You did get him to talk seriously - you just don't like the words. He was willing to marry and all about it - when he thought his family who he's told you up front has to be in the rpocess and agreeing to his choice....would go along with his choosing you. Now that he's finding out his family doesn't aprove of you as a choice, he's not willing to marry..which is what he said in the first place.

05-21-2008, 12:22 PM	#9
kiwi24 Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Texas Gender: Female Posts: 59	no he told me time n time again that his parents werent happy abt it but said basically do what u want. he said even if they werent happy he was still commited and wanted to marry. the point is we had an argument aout a response he was to give to my dad in a timely manner wich he never did. after that argument he said he wasnt ready. issue with the parents has been going on for 3+ months so its nothing new. just last week he announnced to our friends that we were getting married and went and bought the ring.

05-21-2008, 12:26 PM	#10
Excalibur Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1,651	You've got this very intertwined and your'e a little confusing here, as well, so maybe I don't have it straight. But you told your boyfriend "let's not talk about marriage to my parents unless you're serious about following thru with marriage". Okay - that is a request you can make, but it's also going to require you to have some indepth conversations wwith your boyfriend about the fact his parents don't agree with his choice in you, and is he wanting to proceed anyway? Did you have those conversations? Or did you assume that your stating you didn't want to get your parents involved unless he was serious meant he was serious and going to defy his family's preference, when you got your family involved? At any rate, it's fairly simple now....he doesn't want to marry you because his parents don't agree to his choice...and you are now feeling this enormous pressure to proceed with a ceremony because you've gotten your parents involved. So now YOU get to make decisions, not him......do you stay with him, ceasing all talk of marriage, and all thought of marriage as you now KNOW he won't marry you ever - because his parents don't agree with his choice. Or do you stop dating him and move on to find someone that wants marriage with you, and wnats to proceed towards it in a timely manner?