Dealing with alcoholics...

Danielle84 · 05-13-2008, 05:48 PM

Wasn't sure where to post this but I guess this will due. So my Dad passed away a little over a year ago from alcoholism. My Mom continues to drink pretty much every day. It hasn't effected her work yet so she doesn't think she has a problem. So I've known that my fiance has substance abuse problems. He went to rehab in 2005 and has since been okay so I thought. He has been drinking a lot more lately and has recently lied to me about drinking which is out of his character. At this point he promises he is going to stop. I am 4 months pregnant and so fed up with these people who let substances control their lives. Need a pep talk!!

hersmudders · 05-13-2008, 05:53 PM

Join Al-Anon. My mother and a lot of her family are alcoholics. My last boyfriend is an alcoholic. Al-Anon has been an amazing help for me. You can't change them, but you can change the way you let it affect your life.

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

This is NOT the same as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). This is for the families and friends of alcoholics.

novaseeker · 05-13-2008, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danielle84

Wasn't sure where to post this but I guess this will due. So my Dad passed away a little over a year ago from alcoholism. My Mom continues to drink pretty much every day. It hasn't effected her work yet so she doesn't think she has a problem. So I've known that my fiance has substance abuse problems. He went to rehab in 2005 and has since been okay so I thought. He has been drinking a lot more lately and has recently lied to me about drinking which is out of his character. At this point he promises he is going to stop. I am 4 months pregnant and so fed up with these people who let substances control their lives. Need a pep talk!!

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

Sadly, addicts ... can't change unless/until they admit to themselves that they have a problem and develop the will, themselves, to change. Once they get to that stage, they can be helped, but before then ... they really can't.

You're in a bad spot, because your fiance seems (to me) to be relapsing (lying about use of the preferred substance is a hallmark of addiction), and you are pregnant. But, as hard as this sounds, unless your fiance gets clean (with help), you would be better off not to be with him, even with a small child. Addicts ... will run you down and make you codependent.

Please go to Al-Anon and listen, and decide what to do for yourself -- but please, please keep your own best interests and those of your future child in the main focus.

Lana0120 · 05-13-2008, 06:30 PM

I'm sorry but there isn't really much that can be said here. The fact that your boyfriend did at least acknowledge at one time that he had a problem is positive, and if you point out the importance in light of your baby, that might make him snap out of it. As for your mother, I doubt that there is anything that can be done for her. As Novaseeker said... these people need to help themselves and a lot of people won't.

hersmudders · 05-13-2008, 06:31 PM

My ex fully admits that he is an alcoholic but it means nothing b/c he still drinks quite a lot and thinks he'll "grow out of it". Admitting it is positive, yes, but very very little difference. Don't depend on that alone.

daylightisdying · 05-14-2008, 09:30 PM

Wow, I can really relate to you. My fiance of 6 years is an alcoholic. I did the wrong thing a few years ago and forced him into going to rehab and that only made things worse. I've come to a point where I'm ready to end our relationship and this is only one of the reasons. My mom suggested going to Al-Anon so I'll try out a meeting or two, but that would be my best advice to you. Since a child will be involved soon, my advice would be to try and work on the relationship first. Hope that helps, I'm new here so everyone please don't be too hard on me if this is bad advice.

just M.E. · 05-15-2008, 12:06 AM

My ex is an alcoholic, I filed for legal separation from him in 3/06 and we reconciled in 6/06 when he went into a outpatient alcohol program. Without the long story of the in between, he started drinking behind my back late fall of 2006 and he left the marriage in 5/07. He chose his first love, Jack Daniels and maybe another also. He never really thought he had a problem and went through the motions to get me back. If I had known that, I won't have returned to the marriage, but it is a live and learn thing.

I had decided I cannot live with alcoholism. I went to Al-Anon also but the group I went to spent too much time on "how to live with an alcoholic", but remember you have a choice also in your life. They can choose to continue to drink, that is their choice even it it eventually will kill them.

But you can choose not to live with that choice, you can choose another life.

Danielle84 · 05-15-2008, 12:06 PM

Thank you everyone for all of the advice. He says he is going to stop all together. I have set up some counseling sessions for us. I know he realizes at this point that I WON'T stick around. I'm not the one with the problem and if he doesn't want to change then I'll move on. I'll keep you guys posted though!!

hersmudders · 05-15-2008, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danielle84

Thank you everyone for all of the advice. He says he is going to stop all together. I have set up some counseling sessions for us. I know he realizes at this point that I WON'T stick around. I'm not the one with the problem and if he doesn't want to change then I'll move on. I'll keep you guys posted though!!

Please remember that though you think you don't have a problem, you MIGHT. You may not be addicted to substance but the effects of alcoholism (emotional effects) are nearly just as bad. That's why Al-Anon is such a wonderful program--it helps you deal with the effects of alcoholism and can help you keep from passing those same effects onto your child years down the line.

I hardly believe he will stop all together, especially if he really is an alcoholic, but it's good if he realizes that you will leave if he doesn't. Suggest AA to him, and get yourself into Al-Anon. Do it for your child, as your child doesn't need to grow up in an alcoholic home (if your ex just stops, he'll more than likely be a "dry drunk"--meaning still an alcoholic, just not drinking. It involves many emotional consequences more than anything else). Good luck!!

DJG · 05-18-2008, 06:42 AM

Danielle, you can't change your parents but, on your place, i would run from other substance abusers in your life.You knew that fiance was into drinking but, sort of, said nothing.I would think a lot before having his ring on your finger.Having his child is quite a complication.Do you need an alcoholic dad who's bad example to you and a kid?Maybe it isn't late.

05-13-2008, 05:48 PM	#1
Danielle84 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Pasco,WA Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 129	Dealing with alcoholics... Wasn't sure where to post this but I guess this will due. So my Dad passed away a little over a year ago from alcoholism. My Mom continues to drink pretty much every day. It hasn't effected her work yet so she doesn't think she has a problem. So I've known that my fiance has substance abuse problems. He went to rehab in 2005 and has since been okay so I thought. He has been drinking a lot more lately and has recently lied to me about drinking which is out of his character. At this point he promises he is going to stop. I am 4 months pregnant and so fed up with these people who let substances control their lives. Need a pep talk!!

05-15-2008, 12:06 AM	#7
just M.E. Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Colorado Gender: Female Age: 57 Posts: 1,741	My ex is an alcoholic, I filed for legal separation from him in 3/06 and we reconciled in 6/06 when he went into a outpatient alcohol program. Without the long story of the in between, he started drinking behind my back late fall of 2006 and he left the marriage in 5/07. He chose his first love, Jack Daniels and maybe another also. He never really thought he had a problem and went through the motions to get me back. If I had known that, I won't have returned to the marriage, but it is a live and learn thing. I had decided I cannot live with alcoholism. I went to Al-Anon also but the group I went to spent too much time on "how to live with an alcoholic", but remember you have a choice also in your life. They can choose to continue to drink, that is their choice even it it eventually will kill them. But you can choose not to live with that choice, you can choose another life. __________________ Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. "Life goes not backward, nor tarries with yesterday" - Kahil Gibran

05-13-2008, 05:53 PM	#2
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,321	Join Al-Anon. My mother and a lot of her family are alcoholics. My last boyfriend is an alcoholic. Al-Anon has been an amazing help for me. You can't change them, but you can change the way you let it affect your life. [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] This is NOT the same as AA (Alcoholics Anonymous). This is for the families and friends of alcoholics.

05-13-2008, 06:30 PM	#4
Lana0120 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 3,465	I'm sorry but there isn't really much that can be said here. The fact that your boyfriend did at least acknowledge at one time that he had a problem is positive, and if you point out the importance in light of your baby, that might make him snap out of it. As for your mother, I doubt that there is anything that can be done for her. As Novaseeker said... these people need to help themselves and a lot of people won't.

05-13-2008, 06:31 PM	#5
hersmudders Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: 6151 Richmond St, Miami, Florida Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 8,321	My ex fully admits that he is an alcoholic but it means nothing b/c he still drinks quite a lot and thinks he'll "grow out of it". Admitting it is positive, yes, but very very little difference. Don't depend on that alone.

05-14-2008, 09:30 PM	#6
daylightisdying Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: The Burgh Posts: 20	Wow, I can really relate to you. My fiance of 6 years is an alcoholic. I did the wrong thing a few years ago and forced him into going to rehab and that only made things worse. I've come to a point where I'm ready to end our relationship and this is only one of the reasons. My mom suggested going to Al-Anon so I'll try out a meeting or two, but that would be my best advice to you. Since a child will be involved soon, my advice would be to try and work on the relationship first. Hope that helps, I'm new here so everyone please don't be too hard on me if this is bad advice.

05-15-2008, 12:06 PM	#8
Danielle84 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Pasco,WA Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 129	Thank you everyone for all of the advice. He says he is going to stop all together. I have set up some counseling sessions for us. I know he realizes at this point that I WON'T stick around. I'm not the one with the problem and if he doesn't want to change then I'll move on. I'll keep you guys posted though!!

05-18-2008, 06:42 AM	#10
DJG Offline Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 79	Danielle, you can't change your parents but, on your place, i would run from other substance abusers in your life.You knew that fiance was into drinking but, sort of, said nothing.I would think a lot before having his ring on your finger.Having his child is quite a complication.Do you need an alcoholic dad who's bad example to you and a kid?Maybe it isn't late.