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Boyfriend with feminine traits??


Jennabella

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Hey guys, I really need to talk to someone about this. I haven't been able to bring it up with anyone. I've been dating my boyfriend for the past 3 and a half months. He's a great guy, so sensitive, so sweet, is crazily in love with me. I couldn't ask for more. When we first started going out, I realized that he seemed rather feminine, but as I've been falling in love with him, I stopped noticing it at all. In the last couple of weeks, I've gotten even closer to him and then I started obsessing over the traits again. It's left me feeling horribly confused about his gender, his sexuality. I was reading up on straight men with effeminate traits and one guy said that straight men who are effeminate were "woman trapped in men's bodies." After reading that I started obsessing over the chance that he could be transgendered. When I'm with him, I keep on imagining he's a woman. Oh, it's been awful! And I absolutely adore him and everything else has been so perfect. His femininity lies mostly in the way he speaks and his hand gestures. He's very "soft" in nature, he always very delicately touches me. He's almost dainty. I just don't know what to think anymore and I have no idea how to even bring it up with him. I think he would be horribly offended if I did ask him about this. Earlier on the subject of gays and lesbians came up without me bringing it up and he clearly stated that he's never wanted to be with men and I believe him. The transgendered issue on the other hand really concerns me. I'm a very open and accepting person, so know that I take this all very seriously. I'm just in need of some good advice.

Thanks.

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I can't give you any advice regarding whether he is transgendered . . . but I will say this: If these traits turn you off, or kill off your attraction for him, then leave him. He will not change, and he shouldn't have to anyway. Also, make sure that you don't convince yourself that you're attracted to him regardless of these traits when, in reality, you're not.

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hmmm.. i'm not sure i completely understand you. are you saying that you genuinely think he may be transgendered (female to male) and not telling you? or are you saying that you believe he's biologically male but wants to be female?

 

i honestly think either situation is really unlikely (esp. the first, since that's a really hard change to make in the, uh, physical ways.. i'm pretty sure you'd notice if you've been at all physical!)

 

some guys just are more feminine ("delicate" as you say) by nature. you seem to still really like him and be attracted to him and he seems to feel the same to you, so i'm not all that sure why it matters.

 

if it's just "bugging" you, though, i think you could find a non-offensive way to bring it up. although i don't know exactly what it is you'd want to clarify with him??

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I do really like him and these traits don't turn me off. But they do confuse me. As I've never dated a man who had such a strong feminine side. He's clearly sexually attracted to me, I have no worries there what so ever. I'm just confused as to why he would have such strong feminine traits. Growing up, his mom and sister were and are both very strong woman. His dad isn't a very masculine guy but isn't as feminine as he is. I'm just wondering if it's possible for a man to be completely straight and not at all female and still have strong feminine traits?

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This is a pretty ingrained behavior. I have seen women with husbands/boyfriends who are super feminine and I know I couldn't personally handle that. I want a mans man...lol...You have to decide if this is something you can deal with on a long term basis. I don't think it has anything to do with being trans gendered but it is something that he won't be able to change and he shouldn't have to if he is comfortable.

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I'm just wondering if it's possible for a man to be completely straight and not at all female and still have strong feminine traits?

 

It is possible. My ex, who I dated for 4 years, was VERY in touch with his feminine side and not remotely bi/gay/tg. I think his being in touch with this actually strengthened our relationship =)

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It is possible. My ex, who I dated for 4 years, was VERY in touch with his feminine side and not remotely bi/gay/tg. I think his being in touch with this actually strengthened our relationship =)

 

Ironically, I think that's what attracted to me in the first place. I've never been into very macho men and he was so sweet and sensitive. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.

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Ironically, I think that's what attracted to me in the first place. I've never been into very macho men and he was so sweet and sensitive. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.

 

Ever since I was with him, I've found myself more attracted to that type of man. I don't think it's overly abnormal.

 

I LOVED how sensitive and sweet he was. He's one of the most understanding men I've ever met (no hard feelings since we broke up).

 

If you're not the type of girl who NEEDS that masculinity, I think this could potentially flourish into something wonderful.

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Sounds to me like he's merely androgynous, which is a good trait to possess IMO. Think of it this way...he's being himself. He's not trying to fit into the "i'm man hear me roar" personality that some guys poorly try to mimic. So I hardly think that he's got anything wrong with him. He's just not trying so hard to fit in and prove his masculinity. I really believe he's allowing himself more emotional freedom also, many men will try to hide their emotions and they are too ignorant to realize that hiding emotions only hurts them and others in the long run.

 

I've also met a few men like this, perfectly normal. What about women? How many women do you see decked out in sports gear and playing sports? That is kinda the same thing in a way, and I bet if you ask a bunch of "tom-boy" women at a basketball game their sexuality... many of them will say they are indeed straight. I just think society always has viewed men possessing female traits as something "negative" and females possessing male traits as something "positive", which is why you are probably a bit worried about his sexuality. In other words, don't worry, he's fine.

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he could be Bi and just "in the closet" alot of men do that because they don't want to face the reality that their gay/bi. ever see clueless? But I have seen straight guys that seem really gay. and my husband is on the feminen side also, some people thought he was gay before we got married! but thats what I love about him, his sweet,gentle no mach, tender, soft spokenness. Tim will tell, I don't think you should bring it up. Just wait and see if you can deal with it or if anything new becomes of it.

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hmmm. have you guys had sex??

 

i had a room mate that everyone thought was guy just buy the way he looked, acted & sounded. we were best friends and i knew people thought we were both gay..

 

he's straight as an arrow. always had a gf or chased after one.

do you guys live together/ see each oher all the time??

 

although i said all that about my good buddy, only after i lived with him for a while did i realise that he was completely opposite to how he portrayed himself.

he was super strong (decievingly skinny), had anger issues which he'd be intimidating, i later found out he had a violent history.

 

maybe you dont know him as well as you think maybe or do you??

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just so ya know, in many cultured, people who are transgendered are considered higher spirits. in india, you are very fortunate if one smiles at you or visits your home... in native american cultures as well... our culture is extremely limited in gender expression. so please reconsider your frame of reference...

 

it doesn't mean he is gay, but even if he didn't act that way you wouldn't know. many men are in the closet and that's not something you will ever be able to control. you have to decide if you can accept this about him without interrogating his sexuality....

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hmmm. have you guys had sex??

 

he's straight as an arrow. always had a gf or chased after one.

do you guys live together/ see each oher all the time??

 

maybe you dont know him as well as you think maybe or do you??

 

Yes, we have had sex and we see each nearly every day. I spend a lot of time at his place. I guess I've just never met a straight man who possesses what are usually deemed "gay traits."

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You said his mother and sisters were strong, more aggressive, and dominant women - his father was a more passsive and responsive man...he's just his father to the 5th power.

 

That's all...and he's going to be attracted to women who set the tone, pace, path, and destination.

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Yes, we have had sex and we see each nearly every day. I spend a lot of time at his place. I guess I've just never met a straight man who possesses what are usually deemed "gay traits."

 

Well that's where you have to be careful.

 

Having been through the ringer on these issues myself in my own life in terms of figuring out these kinds of things, I've come to realize that there are several different vectors here.

 

One vector is sexuality -- namely to whom one is sexually attracted and can be satisfied with sexually.

 

Another vector is gender identity -- namely whether one is at peace with one's biological sex and the gender role that implies (or not).

 

Yet another is gender-typical behavior -- that is, whether one behaves in a manner that is considered typical for one's gender role in a given societal context.

 

The key is that while most people seem to blur these things together, for some people they are quite disconnected from each other and act as independent vectors. So, in other words, a man may be female-attracted, yet feel uncomfortable with his biological gender -- contrary to popular belief, not all transgendered male-to-female people are male-attracted -- they're two separate vectors.

 

So, in the case of your BF, he could be, for example, a man who is female-attracted and not uncomfortable with his biological gender and role, but yet his personality leads him to act in a way that may be at odds with what is generally expected for his given gender role in your society. In other words, just because he is somewhat "fem acting", it doesn't mean he is male attracted or transgender. In fact, the gay community doesn't often like "fem acting" men, there is a big bias in many gay circles in favor of "masculine" or "straight acting" men.

 

So based on that you have a couple of things to think about.

 

The first is how comfortable you are (or not) about being with a more fem man -- even assuming he is not gay, bi or trans. It's okay to be uncomfortable with it -- that's a personal thing -- but it's something you should give some honest thought to.

 

The second is that it will be hard for you to discern whether he is, in fact, trans. Many, many trans men are very, VERY secretive about that aspect of themselves, and will initially deny it. It can be very, very hard to discern it, because these guys are so used to hiding it (from parents, roommates, friends, etc.) that they become extremely skilled at that. At this time, I don't see anything in what you wrote that would indicate that he could be trans (many trans men are not feminine acting when they are in "guy mode" for example).

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Novaseeker, thank-you very much for your good response. I clearly understand that sexuality and gender are two completely different things. And that's why, sexually, I'm not concerned as I was before, as everything has been fine in that department. He doesn't seem to be hiding his female traits, it's just who he his. I'm completely comfortable with him being more feminine and not all macho. I've been so fine with it the past few months that I stopped even noticing his feminine traits. It's only when I started worrying about his gender that it seemed to stare me in the face again.

I look at all his interests, his close knit group of friends and everything else that encompasses him, nothing else makes me feel this way. So I think you may be right in terms of gender typical behaviour. He doesn't fallen into the norm in that sense. Like I said, I want to make it clear that this doesn't turn me off.

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I'm glad you are feeling better about this. Another thing, usually if someone (in this case, a male) is "in the closet" and trying to maintain a relationship, the last thing they will do is start showing their feminine side. They will try to cover it up as much as possible. I think i'd be more worried if he started to act "macho" and try really hard to ditch his feminine traits.

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People point out that my bofyriend has very feminine qualities. And to be honest, I love it. He's very thoughtful, caring, my friends all go to him for advice, he helps me when I am shopping for outfits and picks out belts and shoes and purses for me, he's very into his feelings, and is super sensitive.

 

People point it out that he's in touch with his feminine, is how they word it.

 

Maybe its different in what you're trying to explain..but I've never questioned it.

 

He was raised by a very strong single mother and grandmother, and has had no male influence in his life.

 

Quite frankly, I love it. Physically, he's 150% man, but his personality certainly does have some slightly feminine traits to it..we joke that he has the stereotypical 'female role' in a relationship and I am the man

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m12988, the point you made was exactly what I have been thinking the past couple of days. I thought if he were really concerned, he would try and hide it. But he doesn't. Even the other night, he brought my laptop in to have it fixed because the adapter plug broke and I guess he kept on referring to the laptop as his. So they booted it up and my very girly screen name popped up and the guy sort of looked at him funny and my boyfriend laughed and told him that it was my computer. He didn't seem to have a problem with this. And I thought if he was trying to hide the fact, he wouldn't want to shed any attention on it.

 

Asti, thanks for the response. That does make me feel a bit better. I think it was more than just his sensitive side. He's dainty. I strange characteristic to place on a man, but I can't describe him any other way. I think it's just who he is and after reading everyone's responses I feel a lot more at peace with it. And I agree with you, it makes them incredibly endearing and I'm sure that's the reason we get along so well because I've never been one for super macho men.

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  • 4 years later...

Hi jennabella... nice to read yr post.. well, Im in a similar position ,.. have been dating a guy with feminine traits...from past 3 months...but iam really confused.. dont know.. what to do.. its bit embarrassing for me to walk along with him on the road and malls.. even i am not comfortable introducing to my family and friends... im sure about the fact that he is neither gay, bi or trans... Jennabella, pls help.. r u still dating this guy? is it fine to settle with someone like him.. he is an awesome guy.. very understanding and caring..never met a guy like him...still lots of confusion going.

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My husband was raised by women (strong women) because all the men were out at sea.

 

He has a few feminine mannerisms, one of which is standing with his hand on his hip. Our youngest hates this and always says "Daaaad! Don't stand that way, people will think you're gay." I always tell her that he is the manliest man I've ever met! And it's true.

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