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Thread: Boyfriend with feminine traits??

  1. #1
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    Boyfriend with feminine traits??

    Hey guys, I really need to talk to someone about this. I haven't been able to bring it up with anyone. I've been dating my boyfriend for the past 3 and a half months. He's a great guy, so sensitive, so sweet, is crazily in love with me. I couldn't ask for more. When we first started going out, I realized that he seemed rather feminine, but as I've been falling in love with him, I stopped noticing it at all. In the last couple of weeks, I've gotten even closer to him and then I started obsessing over the traits again. It's left me feeling horribly confused about his gender, his sexuality. I was reading up on straight men with effeminate traits and one guy said that straight men who are effeminate were "woman trapped in men's bodies." After reading that I started obsessing over the chance that he could be transgendered. When I'm with him, I keep on imagining he's a woman. Oh, it's been awful! And I absolutely adore him and everything else has been so perfect. His femininity lies mostly in the way he speaks and his hand gestures. He's very "soft" in nature, he always very delicately touches me. He's almost dainty. I just don't know what to think anymore and I have no idea how to even bring it up with him. I think he would be horribly offended if I did ask him about this. Earlier on the subject of gays and lesbians came up without me bringing it up and he clearly stated that he's never wanted to be with men and I believe him. The transgendered issue on the other hand really concerns me. I'm a very open and accepting person, so know that I take this all very seriously. I'm just in need of some good advice.
    Thanks.

  2. #2
    Silver Member Whiplash Girl Child's Avatar
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    I can't give you any advice regarding whether he is transgendered . . . but I will say this: If these traits turn you off, or kill off your attraction for him, then leave him. He will not change, and he shouldn't have to anyway. Also, make sure that you don't convince yourself that you're attracted to him regardless of these traits when, in reality, you're not.

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    hmmm.. i'm not sure i completely understand you. are you saying that you genuinely think he may be transgendered (female to male) and not telling you? or are you saying that you believe he's biologically male but wants to be female?

    i honestly think either situation is really unlikely (esp. the first, since that's a really hard change to make in the, uh, physical ways.. i'm pretty sure you'd notice if you've been at all physical!)

    some guys just are more feminine ("delicate" as you say) by nature. you seem to still really like him and be attracted to him and he seems to feel the same to you, so i'm not all that sure why it matters.

    if it's just "bugging" you, though, i think you could find a non-offensive way to bring it up. although i don't know exactly what it is you'd want to clarify with him??

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    I do really like him and these traits don't turn me off. But they do confuse me. As I've never dated a man who had such a strong feminine side. He's clearly sexually attracted to me, I have no worries there what so ever. I'm just confused as to why he would have such strong feminine traits. Growing up, his mom and sister were and are both very strong woman. His dad isn't a very masculine guy but isn't as feminine as he is. I'm just wondering if it's possible for a man to be completely straight and not at all female and still have strong feminine traits?

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    This is a pretty ingrained behavior. I have seen women with husbands/boyfriends who are super feminine and I know I couldn't personally handle that. I want a mans man...lol...You have to decide if this is something you can deal with on a long term basis. I don't think it has anything to do with being trans gendered but it is something that he won't be able to change and he shouldn't have to if he is comfortable.

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    Platinum Member jengh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennabella View Post
    I'm just wondering if it's possible for a man to be completely straight and not at all female and still have strong feminine traits?
    It is possible. My ex, who I dated for 4 years, was VERY in touch with his feminine side and not remotely bi/gay/tg. I think his being in touch with this actually strengthened our relationship =)
    JenSocietyOfSloreMaking!

    Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we played called life...

  8. 05-13-2008, 12:38 AM

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    Quote Originally Posted by iLoveMyBabyCairo View Post
    It is possible. My ex, who I dated for 4 years, was VERY in touch with his feminine side and not remotely bi/gay/tg. I think his being in touch with this actually strengthened our relationship =)
    Ironically, I think that's what attracted to me in the first place. I've never been into very macho men and he was so sweet and sensitive. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member jengh's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jennabella View Post
    Ironically, I think that's what attracted to me in the first place. I've never been into very macho men and he was so sweet and sensitive. Thanks for your reply, I appreciate it.
    Ever since I was with him, I've found myself more attracted to that type of man. I don't think it's overly abnormal.

    I LOVED how sensitive and sweet he was. He's one of the most understanding men I've ever met (no hard feelings since we broke up).

    If you're not the type of girl who NEEDS that masculinity, I think this could potentially flourish into something wonderful.
    JenSocietyOfSloreMaking!

    Is this some kind of a joke, will someone wake me up soon? Tell me this was just a game we played called life...

  11. #9
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    Sounds to me like he's merely androgynous, which is a good trait to possess IMO. Think of it this way...he's being himself. He's not trying to fit into the "i'm man hear me roar" personality that some guys poorly try to mimic. So I hardly think that he's got anything wrong with him. He's just not trying so hard to fit in and prove his masculinity. I really believe he's allowing himself more emotional freedom also, many men will try to hide their emotions and they are too ignorant to realize that hiding emotions only hurts them and others in the long run.

    I've also met a few men like this, perfectly normal. What about women? How many women do you see decked out in sports gear and playing sports? That is kinda the same thing in a way, and I bet if you ask a bunch of "tom-boy" women at a basketball game their sexuality... many of them will say they are indeed straight. I just think society always has viewed men possessing female traits as something "negative" and females possessing male traits as something "positive", which is why you are probably a bit worried about his sexuality. In other words, don't worry, he's fine.

  12. #10

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    he could be Bi and just "in the closet" alot of men do that because they don't want to face the reality that their gay/bi. ever see clueless? But I have seen straight guys that seem really gay. and my husband is on the feminen side also, some people thought he was gay before we got married! but thats what I love about him, his sweet,gentle no mach, tender, soft spokenness. Tim will tell, I don't think you should bring it up. Just wait and see if you can deal with it or if anything new becomes of it.

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