Narcissists Evil "Get-back" plans........

Stella Sleepwalks · 05-10-2008, 11:22 AM

Most of you know my story, and most of you know that I am healing from my breakup. I started to heal once I started searching Personality Disorders on the net. I believed my ex was suffering from a bout of depression, and wanted to know how to approach a reconcilliation. Instead I stumbled upon various fantastic sites about personality disorders, blame shifters, control freaks and narcissists.

For those of you who have been in a realtionship with a person who has a personality disorder, and are hoping they come back after enough NC, please see the link below.

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

My ex told me he got back together with his first love after he caught her in bed with his best friend..... The reason? So that he could bed her cousin, ensuring she would walk in and catch them and cause her the same pain she caused him. He told me he would punish his ex girlfriends when they were "bad", and that he got a sense of power and enjoyment out of it. The first time he punished me he admitted it, and said he couldn't go through with the "whole plan" - he was planning on ignoring me for a whole week after a fight, but caved in. Wow - I'm flattered! He must have really loved me to do it for just 24 hours!

I thought that he would never get in touch with me again, and I'm cool with that now. But now I am starting to get a bit uneasy about him plotting a comeback........

BeStrongBeHappy · 05-10-2008, 11:31 AM

Rather than focusing on whether he will come back, you really need to focus on why you keep thinking about being with someone who is a narcissist with intentions to potentially harm you. You need to examine your own role in this game.

He can't come back unless you let him, and why would you let him if he has caused you immense pain?

I was in love a narcissist who was full of charm and drifted in and out of my life for many years, but nothing ever really changed! It finally stopped when i sat up and realized, hey wait, i need to really look at myself and examine why i keep putting up with this, and keep hoping it will change when it never does. So i drew the line in the sand, and when he (as usual) didn't cross the line, i cut it off and it was over. He was never going to mutate into a good partner, no matter how much i hoped he would.

It only stopped when i recognized that the issues i had to deal with were my own, not his, and there was something wrong with me if i kept trying to make something work when all evidence pointed to it being hopeless. So i stopped it by fixing me, not him.

Stella Sleepwalks · 05-10-2008, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeStrongBeHappy

Rather than focusing on whether he will come back, you really need to focus on why you keep thinking about being with someone who is a narcissist with intentions to potentially harm you. You need to examine your own role in this game.

He can't come back unless you let him, and why would you let him if he has caused you immense pain?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stella Sleepwalks

I thought that he would never get in touch with me again, and I'm cool with that now. But now I am starting to get a bit uneasy about him plotting a comeback........

These aren't the words of somebody who wants him to come back. I am DREADING a comeback not just because in the back of my mind I would be waiting for his revenge, but also because I have read so many times that:

Narcissists NEVER change! It is a waste of time.

My friend Paul, (who is in his mid-forties), was talking about his 18 year old daughter who kept letting her ex back into her life after he had broken her heart. He said to me, "Me and hermum are wondering what kind of a woman she is going to grow into?! Is she gonna be this strong woman who goes out with men who respect her, or is she gonna be a doormat?"

That really stuck with me and it was one of the factors of me breaking up with him.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeStrongBeHappy

I was in love a narcissist who was full of charm and drifted in and out of my life for many years, but nothing ever really changed! It finally stopped when i sat up and realized, hey wait, i need to really look at myself and examine why i keep putting up with this, and keep hoping it will change when it never does. So i drew the line in the sand, and when he (as usual) didn't cross the line, i cut it off and it was over. He was never going to mutate into a good partner, no matter how much i hoped he would.

It only stopped when i recognized that the issues i had to deal with were my own, not his, and there was something wrong with me if i kept trying to make something work when all evidence pointed to it being hopeless. So i stopped it by fixing me, not him.

I'm sorry you had to endure this. I was fortunate enough to realise within a few months that this simply wasn't what I wanted in a relationship. I let him break me down, made excuses for him, and even took the blame for everything he did to me..... However, in the depths of despair the embers of who I really am were still burning. He pushed the wrong button and I stood up for myself. I think even if I fell for another narcissist I physically, mentally, psychologically, genetically, biologically WOULDN'T be able to stick with him because something inside me just SNAPS! And when I go off - I GO OFF!!!

Its who I am - don't push me!

You're right though, I am working on myself. I know that in the past, (with firendships as well as relationships), I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt too much. Whats that saying, "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice....." I am learning not to get too close to people too quickly and although I don't expect people to prove themselves to me (narcissitic trait), I know that only fools rush in. Reputations count for a lot in this life. I'm lucky to have so many wonderful people in my life that always help me figure things out when I can't make sense of anything.

Aschleigh · 05-10-2008, 12:42 PM

I think I was with a narcisist . I knew something was wrong from the get go. They NEED a lot of attention and admiration. They have to have their narcistic supply. They don't seem to have anything ( self esteem, integrity, honesty, love) coming from within. It is all about getting those things from the outside. So they constantly pursue it in others. PEOPLE are a means to an end. You don't actually exist to a narcissist. They use you for what they want and then move on.
I am glad I didn't let it go very far. And I know I have love, honesty, integrity, etc.. from within myself. I don't have to seek those things outside of me.
I am single and drama free at the moment ( oh yeah there is soo much drama with them ). I am looking for a partner with a foundation of integrity and self respect to work from.

Litgirl01 · 05-10-2008, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stella Sleepwalks

Most of you know my story, and most of you know that I am healing from my breakup. I started to heal once I started searching Personality Disorders on the net. I believed my ex was suffering from a bout of depression, and wanted to know how to approach a reconcilliation. Instead I stumbled upon various fantastic sites about personality disorders, blame shifters, control freaks and narcissists.

For those of you who have been in a realtionship with a person who has a personality disorder, and are hoping they come back after enough NC, please see the link below.

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

My ex told me he got back together with his first love after he caught her in bed with his best friend..... The reason? So that he could bed her cousin, ensuring she would walk in and catch them and cause her the same pain she caused him. He told me he would punish his ex girlfriends when they were "bad", and that he got a sense of power and enjoyment out of it. The first time he punished me he admitted it, and said he couldn't go through with the "whole plan" - he was planning on ignoring me for a whole week after a fight, but caved in. Wow - I'm flattered! He must have really loved me to do it for just 24 hours!

I thought that he would never get in touch with me again, and I'm cool with that now. But now I am starting to get a bit uneasy about him plotting a comeback........

My ex is a punisher too! He might have punished me!!!

Stella Sleepwalks · 05-10-2008, 01:20 PM

I think his punishment to me was leaving me the night before my birthday.... Spent the day in ed with a bottle of vodka. Lets hope thats the end of it!

EyesOnThePrize · 05-10-2008, 01:36 PM

I'm not sure which is worse, NPD or the BPD from which I suspect my ex suffers. Now that I'm beginning to understand BPD more, so many of her actions make sense to me. It makes the prospect of reconciliation daunting, and in my mind she's worth it to me, so I'm ready for it. That being said, if there was a magic pill that could remove that disorder from her, I'd buy a lifetime supply of them in a second.

I've begun to appreciate that her having BPD means that in some ways her life is a living hell and I am beginning to feel a lot of empathy for her. I know very little about NPD, and I suspect that life isn't a bed of roses for someone who has to do all these things to reinforce his/her sense of self. And I do think they can leave a trail of destruction in their wake. I've read a couple of places that people with NPD rarely if ever change. I think the prospects are better with BPD, however even there its a long road to recovery, and I don't believe it ever totally disappears, just becomes much more manageable.

Stella Sleepwalks · 05-10-2008, 01:44 PM

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

Guess this is what NC has done to him.......

Eyes, what are the traits of BPD, (I asume that's bi-polar disorder?)

BeStrongBeHappy · 05-10-2008, 01:52 PM

Stella, what i mean is that you have nothing to fear with him coming back if you have looked within yourself and found the strength to recognize that his coming back will just be more of the same, and that you don't really want or need that.

He can try to come back a million times, but if you know he is bad for you, really accept that and recognize that altho there are things about him that are so enticing, the end result is disaster, you can rebuff him easily.

So you have nothing to fear if you have worked on yourself enough to love and protect yourself.

BeStrongBeHappy · 05-10-2008, 01:56 PM

Also a big caution about feeling sympathy/empathy for someone who is narcissistic. That is a huge trap in that they don't form a connection to you, but they form a connection to the 'supply' that you give them. So you are feeling all sorry for them and thinking they are tortured, whereas they are just creating havoc and pain and disaster in others as a result of merrily trundling down the road creating the chaos that feeds their own disorder.

So they are not nearly so tortured as you think they are, just creating havoc and chaos that feeds their own disorder, or is a result of it. It is torturous for you, but oxygen for their fire.

05-10-2008, 11:22 AM	#1
Stella Sleepwalks Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,027	Narcissists Evil "Get-back" plans........ Most of you know my story, and most of you know that I am healing from my breakup. I started to heal once I started searching Personality Disorders on the net. I believed my ex was suffering from a bout of depression, and wanted to know how to approach a reconcilliation. Instead I stumbled upon various fantastic sites about personality disorders, blame shifters, control freaks and narcissists. For those of you who have been in a realtionship with a person who has a personality disorder, and are hoping they come back after enough NC, please see the link below. [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] My ex told me he got back together with his first love after he caught her in bed with his best friend..... The reason? So that he could bed her cousin, ensuring she would walk in and catch them and cause her the same pain she caused him. He told me he would punish his ex girlfriends when they were "bad", and that he got a sense of power and enjoyment out of it. The first time he punished me he admitted it, and said he couldn't go through with the "whole plan" - he was planning on ignoring me for a whole week after a fight, but caved in. Wow - I'm flattered! He must have really loved me to do it for just 24 hours! I thought that he would never get in touch with me again, and I'm cool with that now. But now I am starting to get a bit uneasy about him plotting a comeback........ __________________ You Gotta Go There To Come Back

05-10-2008, 01:20 PM	#6
Stella Sleepwalks Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,027	I think his punishment to me was leaving me the night before my birthday.... Spent the day in ed with a bottle of vodka. Lets hope thats the end of it! __________________ You Gotta Go There To Come Back

05-10-2008, 01:36 PM	#7
EyesOnThePrize Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Las Vegas, NV, USA Gender: Male Age: 48 Posts: 1,280	I'm not sure which is worse, NPD or the BPD from which I suspect my ex suffers. Now that I'm beginning to understand BPD more, so many of her actions make sense to me. It makes the prospect of reconciliation daunting, and in my mind she's worth it to me, so I'm ready for it. That being said, if there was a magic pill that could remove that disorder from her, I'd buy a lifetime supply of them in a second. I've begun to appreciate that her having BPD means that in some ways her life is a living hell and I am beginning to feel a lot of empathy for her. I know very little about NPD, and I suspect that life isn't a bed of roses for someone who has to do all these things to reinforce his/her sense of self. And I do think they can leave a trail of destruction in their wake. I've read a couple of places that people with NPD rarely if ever change. I think the prospects are better with BPD, however even there its a long road to recovery, and I don't believe it ever totally disappears, just becomes much more manageable. __________________ All people make sense all the time. All people are doing their best at any given moment - Even me. But I may forget it. Be comfortable with the idea that you did it wrong - yesterday. Don't avoid it. Embrace it. This is a gateway to a better future. All three quotes from Al Turtle - http://al.turtlecounseling.com/blog

05-10-2008, 01:44 PM	#8
Stella Sleepwalks Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 1,027	[Only registered and activated users can see links. ] Guess this is what NC has done to him....... Eyes, what are the traits of BPD, (I asume that's bi-polar disorder?) __________________ You Gotta Go There To Come Back

05-10-2008, 11:31 AM	#2
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,417	Rather than focusing on whether he will come back, you really need to focus on why you keep thinking about being with someone who is a narcissist with intentions to potentially harm you. You need to examine your own role in this game. He can't come back unless you let him, and why would you let him if he has caused you immense pain? I was in love a narcissist who was full of charm and drifted in and out of my life for many years, but nothing ever really changed! It finally stopped when i sat up and realized, hey wait, i need to really look at myself and examine why i keep putting up with this, and keep hoping it will change when it never does. So i drew the line in the sand, and when he (as usual) didn't cross the line, i cut it off and it was over. He was never going to mutate into a good partner, no matter how much i hoped he would. It only stopped when i recognized that the issues i had to deal with were my own, not his, and there was something wrong with me if i kept trying to make something work when all evidence pointed to it being hopeless. So i stopped it by fixing me, not him.

05-10-2008, 12:42 PM	#4
Aschleigh Offline Gold Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Los Angeles Gender: Female Posts: 861	I think I was with a narcisist . I knew something was wrong from the get go. They NEED a lot of attention and admiration. They have to have their narcistic supply. They don't seem to have anything ( self esteem, integrity, honesty, love) coming from within. It is all about getting those things from the outside. So they constantly pursue it in others. PEOPLE are a means to an end. You don't actually exist to a narcissist. They use you for what they want and then move on. I am glad I didn't let it go very far. And I know I have love, honesty, integrity, etc.. from within myself. I don't have to seek those things outside of me. I am single and drama free at the moment ( oh yeah there is soo much drama with them ). I am looking for a partner with a foundation of integrity and self respect to work from.

05-10-2008, 01:52 PM	#9
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,417	Stella, what i mean is that you have nothing to fear with him coming back if you have looked within yourself and found the strength to recognize that his coming back will just be more of the same, and that you don't really want or need that. He can try to come back a million times, but if you know he is bad for you, really accept that and recognize that altho there are things about him that are so enticing, the end result is disaster, you can rebuff him easily. So you have nothing to fear if you have worked on yourself enough to love and protect yourself.

05-10-2008, 01:56 PM	#10
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,417	Also a big caution about feeling sympathy/empathy for someone who is narcissistic. That is a huge trap in that they don't form a connection to you, but they form a connection to the 'supply' that you give them. So you are feeling all sorry for them and thinking they are tortured, whereas they are just creating havoc and pain and disaster in others as a result of merrily trundling down the road creating the chaos that feeds their own disorder. So they are not nearly so tortured as you think they are, just creating havoc and chaos that feeds their own disorder, or is a result of it. It is torturous for you, but oxygen for their fire.