My Wife has Become my Roommate...

I started posting here in January of last year. I wont get too much into it, but here is the long version for more detail/history of the problem in this post:

 

Under Relationiship Communication

Title: Wife Purposely Ignores my conversation

 

To summarize it, my wife early last year felt like I wasnt supporting her emotionally in the relationship - listening or empathizing her enough when

she was struggling at work. She even said this was on a level of severity of cheating (emotionally impactful). So she decided to cut-off and restrict communication, emotional, and physical affection. I feel I was patient and worked pretty hard at times over the year to try to bolster or foster an environment for those things however here I am over a year later, and feel like only the communication aspect has gotten better...while the emotional affection has gotten marginally better. The physical affection is still dead. I feel like I'm living with a friendly roommate. My advances for hugs or kisses are met with pats and pecks and physical affection is NEVER initiated by her. She changes in the closet and always rejects showers together that we used to always do. We've made love twice in a year and a half - I hate to say it, completely "duty sex" for her. I probably put more emphasis on physical expressions of love. And I feel like its grinded out, twisting a thorn in my side for a long time. I'm on travel for work at the moment which is good for the time it lets me reflect by myself. The last time I talked with her about this, she acknowledges the situation, but then plays down the importance, saying that's how it is (). I ask her if she can change, and she's continually said "I dont know". I definitely dont feel like she wants to change. When I confront her about it, she will switch over to blaming me for the whole change when I didnt support her over a year ago. I had apologized several times and tried to tell her I will be more supportive, but her response is, "Too little, too late".

 

So I fear that she will not be able to pull out of this loop. She is satisfied

by just being friends (going out shopping, travelling, cooking, living, conversiing together as you would your good friend) without the real physical or emotional intimacies that I am beginning to crave....

 

On travel, I went out with my friend, brother, and some female friends dancing and a night out on the city. All in good fun, however, I realized from the way the women in the group were treating me things I'm missing emotionally, being smiled at and attentatively listened to. Of course this was

1 evening, no expected relationships, and not really a fair comparison I think, but still....

 

My oldest friend tells me it's only a matter of time until I brake it off. Likewise my brother tells me I need to divorce if all my needs arent being met. I'm 31, she's 33, no kids; we both work. I do not want to divorce because I still love her and care about her, but with work and daily life consuming alot of my energy, I myself find it difficult to initiate change, partly out of the hope that she changes, and partly for the fear of what a major change will cause for myself.

 

Although an argument will almost certainly ensue, I"m going to bring it up again.

 

I'm looking for responses especially from women of what might to say or do to relieve or brake someone out of an emotional rut or build up desire? She rejects counseling. I've already tried picking up extra slack and trying to pay particularly closer attention during our conversations. The thing is I dont think she really knows whats wrong herself, only that limiting our contact feels like the right way for herself. So I think what feels right for her leaves me feeling left out - especially lacking for physical expressions of love.

 

Thanks for your responses.

This sounds to me like she has already checked out of the relationship.

 

I'd try one last time to discuss this with her. Lay it on the line as far as what your needs are and why she isn't willing to meet you half way on some of these things. What is it she wants from you in order for things to improve? If she simply focuses on the past, tell her that you can't change the past. Keep the focus on what can be different going forward.

 

Then you are going to have to make the changes unilaterally. Right now both of you are saying you don't know if you can change. And that's a recipe for disaster. One of you has to take the initiative. Since you can only control yourself, it may as well be you that gives it a try. After all, what do you have to lose by changing? If it works, then your relationship shows substantial improvement. If it doesn't, things certainly won't get any worse just by you having tried.

Is there any chance she is cheating on you? One of the main reasons women cheat is the lack of romance. Try to pretend your dating and romance her again, this may cause a spark in her it worked for me and my wife.

If this isn't the kind of relationship you want (a room mate), then that's that. I don't think putting the emphasis on getting her to give you what you need is the kind of approach that you should be taking. That's thinking only about what you want. That's not a real conversation.

 

A real conversation involves getting inside her head and heart, and finding out what she needs. It sounds like she is either poor at communicating this, or is too busy reacting to what you were like and has lost sight of what she really wants/needs. Try to draw it all out of her. Ask her if the way things are are really what she wants in your relationship. I'm sure it's not. If she's perfectly content with things as they are, then you can tell her that the current arrangement is a deal breaker for you. But if she doesn't say it's her ideal, then you've got to ask her what she needs. Ask her how she's feeling about the relationship, and if she thinks there is any hope that she can recover from the experience she had with you when you weren't there for her. Does she feel like you value her? Does she feel like you listen and consider her feelings? stuff like that.

 

I don't know if any of that helps, I'm a bit under slept, but your post sounded a little bit like you were focussing too much about getting your needs met. A bit self centred. I'm sure you're not. But the way you put it sounded like that, so be sure to focus on her and how she is doing when you talk with her. There's no button at the back of her head which you press which is the 'love your man' button. You've got to assist her to recover so that then she might be able to love you again.

Thanks for your replies.

 

AVMan - those are some of the thoughts I've been thinking about - what you wrote. Should I act unilaterally - I dont know yet.

 

Unsuretexan - no I dont see any way she could be cheating - we are both tenaciously loyal. Romantic attempts are usually swept away immediately. We'll go out together,

it mostly feels platonic though.

 

Lucy, yes I've asked her what she wants, and her replies are always "I dont know". And "do what you need to do", whatever that means. She rolls her eyes and gets a little defensive when I try to have a frank discussion with her about how things all are like this or how do we change. If I prod she'll just say things are ok, I can live with it, as if she's imprisoned or something....Or perhaps blaming. So I dont really know what she wants, and I'm not sure she does.

 

To give you an idea,

During the FALL for about a month or so, I really tried to ignore my own

feelings and desires, and try to connect emotionally with her without any taking (me, me, me) expectations - by making daily life easier for her - do the majority of the chores, try to take her out window-shopping, make plans for travel, goto the beach, watch movies - things she seems to like to do, I was trying to give her chance to "come out of her shell". I got some emotional response from that - her spirits raised some and she seemed happier on the whole, but no physical responses/intimacies. I grew tired of it. We had a female roommate, and at one point I was feeling like my other roommate was more attentive often smiling at me than my wife. My wife gets home from her work before me, and immediately plunks down to watch online dramas. She manages a "hi" from her chair whereas she used to greet me at the door with a hug/kiss. Then usually dinner and light conversation, or me sometimes bringing a plate up to her if she says she's not hungry. She sometimes cooks, I sometimes cook. There's little warmth, and then there's a repulsion from my advances - like "stop-it", "not now", "I'm tired", "maybe later", "you're breath stinks" and so on... I've grown to despise being patted on the back during a hug or pecked on the cheek for a kiss...it is so very disappointing and rejectful. After enough rejections, I have tried not to worry about what I want to do during the evening for us and worry about myself - and the evening social dynamics hence have become like roommates. This is pretty much our dynamic now.

 

Another example, recently, I planned and did all the leg-work for a getaway vacation to several National Parks in Utah including days out in majestic serene settings. Was hoping this might kindle some romantic feelings, but it did not. I did not even try to make an advance as I sensed her platonic attitude immediately. She enjoyed the trip and my company - but here I am the husband friend, not the husband lover. Like the lyric goes "I need a friend and a lover divine". I wish I could feel content with platonic love, but I have a very high libido and need for physical contact.

 

Listening unfortunately is not my strong suit - I could do a much better job paying attention to her I think. I try to remind myself of that; I need to work on it. But my motivation has been blasted due to not seeing any changes from her.

 

I've already spent over a year and a half in a (I wont say miserable) but semi-neglectful marriage. I was with her for 7 years before that (2 yr LDR). I know that it goes both ways, and I certainly have deficiencies, and made mistakes, but lord, is it worth stewing on these things for years??

 

Yes my post is self-centered I agree, because, well I'm in some distress.

It's not fun to be treated like an outsider by the person you love because you made a mistake for a very long time. Your wife not being able to change in front of you is a huge slap in the face. It is a bright red flag that there will be NO INTIMACY this evening, and that I dont feel comfortable with you seeing me naked, or nor do I want to give you the wrong idea at all. You're right this may just be a coping decision on her part, but the lack of intimacy is like a weight on my emotions and natural inclinations. There's no button on the back of her head - but I wish there was some way to impart what I am feeling. I'm having a harder time getting emotional to try to express what I'm feeling - I fear this is sort of like my emotions callousing or something.

 

I dont want this to be a her needs/my needs, but I feel like I'm the one who's trying to repair the situation on my own. I guess I'm the only one who wants to repair it at the moment. She may be suffering too, but she WONT speak or ACT up to change or improve!

 

Thanks for your replies

I think you might be getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bomb dropped on you soon. My stbx was as loyal as they come for 20yrs then cheated on me because she wasn't happy. Is your wife depressed? How does she act/interact with other people? If it is just you that brings this out in her and she doesn't want to at least try what else is there for you to do? If she doesn't want to go to counseling then she believes it is all your problem and you should figure it out. Marriage takes work to get through the tought times and she isn't working. I wish you and your wife the best.

lost

Thanks for your replies.

I've asked her what she wants, and her replies are always "I dont know". And "do what you need to do", whatever that means. She rolls her eyes and gets a little defensive when I try to have a frank discussion with her about how things all are like this or how do we change. If I prod she'll just say things are ok, I can live with it, as if she's imprisoned or something....Or perhaps blaming. So I dont really know what she wants, and I'm not sure she does.

 

Yes, she's not taking responsibility for her own happiness. She's playing matyr it sounds. It's a shame she won't get any kind of therapy because it sounds like she could use some assertiveness training. Is she in anyway dependent on you financially? How old are you both? how easy would it be for her to leave you if she wanted something else?

 

During the FALL for about a month or so, I really tried to ignore my own

feelings and desires, and try to connect emotionally with her without any taking (me, me, me) expectations .......

 

...... I got some emotional response from that - her spirits raised some and she seemed happier on the whole, but no physical responses/intimacies. I grew tired of it.

do you love her? do you love her selflessly? does her happiness make you happy for it's own sake? Or is your main reason for being with her that you need intimacy? Perhaps your actions, your not listening, your self serving sexual aggressivness (I'm making a wild guess here that that may be present), and the fact that your attemts to connect with her and consider her aren't a constant have demonstrated to her that you don't really love and value her. Maybe she feels that talking about it is useless, because she doesn't want you to love her and treat her well because she's told you to, she wants you to do it out of a genuine caring about how she feels. Just a wild guess. It sounds like a very unpleasant situation.

 

My advice (which I'm highly unqualified to give) is that your intimate moments should be initiated by both of you, and if she rejects you with something as harsh as 'your breath stinks' then that kind of rejecting behaviour should not be the norm. (that is a very depressing idea, and is remeniscent of the marriages which were no doubt common in the older generations where marriage was almost a survival necessity for women.

 

She should know that it's hurtful and requires emotional repairs on her part, and you should let her know that you're hurt and of course not initiate intimacy again until the cause of the rejection has been dealt with. Otherwise it looks like that cartoon Pepe la peu or whatever it's called where the skunk is always chasing the cat. That's not what a marriage should look like. The affection has to be flowing both ways, and you can't achieve balance by being more aggressive. Not that I'm saying you are, I don't know, but it sounds like you've been going in for the rejection repetedly, massochistically, and without addressing the cause of the last rejection.

 

If she is content with such a miserable sounding marriage then that's very sad. She needs someone to throw a bucket of water over her and say 'listen, this is your life, you're a free person, you have the right to be happy so stop being a matry and making yourself and your husband miserable and take some responsibility for your happiness!'

Please ignore lucy-loo. Cuckolding BS.

 

When years go by .........

 

And you give what is yours to give ..... selflessly .......

 

And hope and pray that the one you love sees it for what it is ......

 

And years go by .......

 

It is not selfish as a man to want physical intimacy from your wife.

 

It is all a small part of the deal, the package, that comes with man and woman, together.

 

I call this BS, and have very little sympathy for your wife's sympathizers.

 

Look, your wife may have issues that require professional counseling, but it seems to me that you have done your due, it isn't your problem, it is hers.

 

I think you misunderstood my post. I sympathise with both of them. But I was elaborating on what his wife might be feeling because that's the bit that needs to have light shed on it, since the lack of understanding about why she doesn't seem to want to be intimate with him is what's behind all of this.

 

I don't know what you mean by cuckolding. cuckolding is when the man is turned on by the idea of being cheated on. That's not what I mean by his wife needing to take responsibility for her happiness. What I mean is that she should stop playing matry and decide to love him or leave him. And that this highly compromised excuse for a marriage should not continue if either of them want to be happy.

 

The idea of him crying out for his needs for intimacy to be met without questioning why they aren't being met and looking at it from her perspective though, is just futile, for the reasons I stated, so at risk of sounding like I'm taking her side, (which I'm not), I think that focussing on her and understanding her is the only practical and constructive advice which is appropriate at this point. Saying she SHOULD give him intimacy is just futile. You can say SHOULD until you're blue in the face, but it won't change anything. Personally I think the marriage is over by the sounds of it. I wouldn't stick around with someone who didn't desire me. But if, as it sounds, he wants to attempt to repair the marriage, then that's what my advice is attempting to help. (Again, I'm highly unqualified, but hey, I like to type).

 

No, it's not selfish of a man to want intimacy with his wife, but to want it and not care to ask why it's not coming when it doesn't, but simply to want it, on tap, no questions asked, well that doesn't sound like a relationship. Which is why I'm pushing the 'ask questions' bit. You can't make a woman desire you by simply wanting her to (unless she has that button on the back of her neck in which case you just press it), all you can do is make yourself more desirable. And if that doesn't work, you get a divorce and find someone who appreciates what you have to offer.

Thanks for your replies. Lost you bring up a good point,

in my correspondance with her and in general, she really does not

say "I love you" much at all. I never really put much importance

on saying it myself. I dont know if she's planning to leave, but

I dont think so. I dont think she's depressed although not positive.

Like I said earlier, she gets very antsy and defensive when I bring

it up like "oh gawd, not this discussion about intimacy again, leave it alone".

 

Lucy some good insights there; I'll try to clarify and answer your questions.

I agree she's not very assertive, and yes I have

got the feeling that she feels like she's martyr in this relationship,

some great victim of suffering caused by me. To go into a some detail:

 

She's from Japan, I'm 31 she 33. We met at College, and lived

together throughout college and after. She returned to Japan to pay off her

debt and started working in Japan again. She told me she'd be a year and then

return, well all of the sudden she kept stretching out how long

she wanted to be away to almost 2 year. I was upset because she

broke her earlier plan. I wanted to marry her as we agree on religious and

moral issues and get along well from day to day. Our chemistry/intimacy was never

a strong point, but I felt loved from her. I also thought we could

build a family with children. Our living and loving together worked pretty

well for over 5 years prior. I was sure that it would be great and looked

forward to it. Well when she arrived back in the States in late 2006, she

got very unhappy and stir-crazy as she wasnt working. I encouraged her to

work, and helped her through the process of interviews, buying a car,

following up job applications etc. She was hired at a good Japanese Company

for a decent salary. HOwever she quickly disliked the environment and her

tasking. I tried to comfort her, but I probably didn't persevere and try hard enough

in comforting her is my guess. For about a month and a half, she

would constantly complain of the dislike of her new job. Then she

would get upset that I wasnt listening to her intently enough. I recommended

giving it a little time for work. It was around this time that she decided

to shunt communication, emotions, and intimacy from our marriage. For a couple

of weeks it meant completely ignoring me.

This went on for several months, until we talked several times

how I was becoming very unhappy during maybe mid-summer or so. At this

point she became more friendly and platonic opening up our communcation

and emotions to some degree. So you see it's been some time since

her falling out with me. She is not financially dependent on me.

 

 

Of course I love her, it's always been my choice, but it so very trying

to be at a time in my life where I desire and need her physically and

feel pretty much unloved also she says she is not interested in children.

During our arguments, sometimes she gets very mean-spirited - at one point sh

actually told me "I cant imagine having children with you". This was in

the heat of the moment though.

 

I want her to be happy, but there is this stubborness in how she reacts when

I try to communicate about it. I dont think I'm sexually aggressive. How I

put it in the earlier posts is a collection of rejections over a few months.

I might try advances with her once or twice a month. Actually my last business

trip when I came home she accepted which gave me some hope, but the same behavior quickly

started up again despite that hope.

 

It's hard to give, give, give without anything in return. It's hard to

keep trying to give hugs with little back. You could

be right, in her mind talking about intimacy is useless, but if I dont talk

about it nothing changes, and I'm not massochistically trying to be

rejected. It hurts and is deeply disappointing every time. My brother

thinks it's unlikely she will change unless motivated to. I dont know

what that motivation is - me leaving, I dont know. I dont want this

to be ultimatum time, that's not marriages ought to be about I think.

I REALLY REALLY wish she took some iniative to be intimate. It was a problem

even before now, but at least she was affectionate then and loving to where a

low frequency of intimacy/sex was doable, because I felt loved. I will let her

know again that our current dynamic is not working and hurtful. I am

unfortunately the restless, instant gratification type. I've always had to work on my

patience, and this has been like the mother of all endeavors in that way.

 

If you were in my position what other questions might you ask??

 

Thanks.

PC, thanks for not getting offended by my random speculations...

 

so as for what other questions would you ask?

 

I'll just quickly shoot some out. may or may not be helpful. but here goes

 

* we haven't had sex in ( insert time since here). What is is? Is it me? Do you just not want sex period? is this how you want to live for the rest of your life, without sex or intimacy? What's making you not want to be intimate with me now? If it's because of the time that I wasn't here for you, well is there any hope for the future? Will you ever forgive me? What will it take for us to put that in the past and start again?

 

* this marriage is in a bad place right now. It doesn't feel like a marriage. It's like we're room mates. If you don't want to talk about it, nothing's going to improve. why don't you want to talk about it? do you know that our marriage is in danger if we don't work this out?

 

* why do you stay with me? is this your ideal situation? do you want to live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage, that's just OK? If you don't say what you want, if you don't even know what you really really want out of this, how are you ever going to get what will make you happy? If you're unhappy, I'm unhappy, but it doesn't have to be this way. But if you aren't interested in trying, in communicating, it's just going to stay the same. I'm trying here, you don't seem like you are. Why?

 

If she pulls out the martyr talk, saying 'it's fine' in a resigned tone or something like that, ask her "why settle for things being just fine? don't you want to be happy? do you feel obligated to stay with me? why do you stay with me if things are just ok? "

 

* are you attracted to me? were you ever? what's changed? can it ever be fixed? what do you need? what do you want? what can we do?

 

Tell her you love her (if that's the case) and that you'll miss her terribly if you split up (if that's the case) but that it's not healthy being in a marriage with no intimacy and with no scope for that changing. If she can't give you anything constructive to work with of how to fix your marriage, and doesn't want to try, well I'm not sure what else you can do...

 

I've never been in a serious relationship myeslf, so I can't really understand why either of you would stay in such a relationship. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you should stay in a relationship which isn't working for either of you.

Your wife sounds like she is in a very similar place to me at the moment, so I'll try to give you a bit of an idea what is going on in my thoughts and perhaps it will help.

 

I love my husband, he's my best friend and I love his company more that anyone else I know. The problem is that I have no physical passion for him. I've been feeling this way for a while and forced myself to deal with it when I met another man that I did feel immense passion for.

 

You say your wife is loyal, I am too and I will never cheat on my husband, but meeting this other man (who I now have no contact with) made me crave the kind of passionate relationship that I know is possible in life. But I also don't want to lose the great relationship with my husband - very selfish I know but I'm trying to be honest with how I (and your wife) might be feeling. I don't want to lose the security, stability, companionship and great friendship, but nor do I want to live my life with no passion.

 

Your wife might be in this place - and one of the easy options is to ignore it is happening or try to force the other person to bring it to a conclusion. It's sometimes easier when the decision is taken out of your hands, less chance for regret and thinking 'why did I leave'. The guilt is taken away when someone leaves you.

 

It's a horrible place to be for both people involved, I feel for you and I wish you the best. I hate myself for doing this to myself and my husband and I'm trying to deal with it the best way I can for both of us.

Lucy thanks for your list of questions, several of them articulate ideas in a more direct positive fashion that I may employ.

 

Cracey, I appreciate your sympathies. Why do you not feel passion for your husband - that you say you craved from someone else - it's become too platonic? You can only think of being with him platonically? Why do you suppose that might be if true? I dont think passion should ruin a strong friendship or needs to. Does your husband voice his concerns for strengthening passion/intimacy/love-making? How did another man bring about lust for you?

 

Sorry if I'm being nosey, just trying to understand and contemplate. I dont think my wife has eyes for someone else really. As the earlier poster Lucy pointed out, I think she in some way has taken some sort of strange pride in martyring no intimacy for our relationship as a way to cope with how I made big emotional mistakes with her by not being there before. I dont know, but it seems like stubborness. I dont want to divorce, but I'm not going to live in a sexless/intimacy-free marriage for the rest of my life - no how, no way. That's just not me, I'm 31 and have a healthy libido and need to express my desires to and feel desires from the one I love simultaneously and I'm not able to do either. I will be loyal, but have to be fair to myself too. You might say that I put too much emphasis on the physical, but when theres none/void/nothing there intimately/physcially, all of the sudden it the lack of boils up in your thoughts very often.

It takes alot of energy to stay positive.

 

Thanks.

So you want this to work and she doesn't. Shes just used to you being her friend. Could it possibly be that those 2 LDR years she cheated and is now feeling the guilt from it? Or she really did just get way too comfortable with you to a point where she just doesn't care.

Cracey, I appreciate your sympathies. Why do you not feel passion for your husband - that you say you craved from someone else - it's become too platonic? You can only think of being with him platonically? Why do you suppose that might be if true? I dont think passion should ruin a strong friendship or needs to. Does your husband voice his concerns for strengthening passion/intimacy/love-making? How did another man bring about lust for you?

 

We really have just fallen into the best friend trap - he's a fantastic guy and I wish that I had an easy answer to make myself feel passionate about him. I am trying, but it's not really working if I'm being honest. I'm not sure we had the right chemistry in the first place, I guess I thought that it wasn't the most important thing in a relationship and everything else about him is fantastic, but now realize that I do need it to be there. It feels like something major is missing in my life and it makes me sad.

 

We don't have sex because I have no desire to and he never makes an effort either, but we're still really happy in each others company. I know most good marriages turn into friendships as life progresses but we are in our early 30s and I really feel like we are both missing out on a big part of life here.

 

When I met this other guy, we had a really strong chemistry and I think it reminded me again how important that is in life. I'm not saying your wife does have eyes for someone else, but I can guarantee that my husband would have no idea either. Sorry, I don't mean to scare you or be negative I'm just being honest. I'm not the kind of person to cheat and I'm sure your wife isn't either - but something like this may have happened to spark this off in her. I have no intention or desire now to be with the other guy or pursue anything, but it did make me really look at my relationship and face up to the issues.

I know what it is like to discount the importance of chemistry in a relationship and then later realize that it was more important than you thought. We're kind of conditioned by a lot of messages in this civilization that prioritizing physical attraction is somehow "shallow", which is really false ... physical attraction is critical, it only becomes shallow if it is the sole or overriding criterion ... but it is a necessary criterion for any long lasting relationship.

 

A caution, however, is that attraction *does* fade from the initial fireworks. Comparing your cooled passion with your husband to your surprising and hot passion for someone new is a case of apples and oranges -- that new passion would cool as well, it always does. One hopes, however, that when things are very passionate to begin with, at least there are aspects of that left, even after the brightly burning fires of passion cool to sparking embers.

A caution, however, is that attraction *does* fade from the initial fireworks. Comparing your cooled passion with your husband to your surprising and hot passion for someone new is a case of apples and oranges -- that new passion would cool as well, it always does. One hopes, however, that when things are very passionate to begin with, at least there are aspects of that left, even after the brightly burning fires of passion cool to sparking embers.

 

I think this is a great point, and something that the OP pointed out too - that initially the chemistry/passion might not have been right between them.

 

That's my issue - I don't think it was really every fully there to begin with and I think that is something very very hard to fix.

 

You are right, passion fades and I've experienced that in a previous relationship - but when the memories of your first few months/year together don't stir those feelings thats when something really feels missing.

That's very true. If there wasn't a real fiery spark to begin with, I think it's very hard later on in the relationship -- as I say, I've been through that myself, and it's just a very difficult situation.

Well, I got back and she seemed to want to improve

at first (the first night she was receptive), but then

she pulled the old shower response last weekend on Sunday,

when I asked to shower with her "No thank you, I want to shower alone", curtly despite my pleas which REALLY infuriated me. I felt like that's

how I knew despite her "trying" to change, there was

no true movement. Today (Sunday), we came back from

the gym, and she always takes a shower - again - a

perfect time for her to try to change, but no change,

rushed in to take her own shower without a peep, I

thinnk she knows it after the big discussion last week. I said nothing hoping

that she could take a cue, but did not in her usual stubborn way.

--->

 

 

So I talked to her (last Sunday) and made the

mistake of maybe coming off too judgemental early on I

guess. I told her I was unhappy about her effort with intimacy,

and she blew it into "So you're failing me", like giving

her a failing grade or something, wailing "I'M TRYING,

you dont care about that!". At this point I came off

too harshly probably, telling her that she STILL

doesnt initiate sex and I have to do the initiating. And

that her "effort" has resulted in sex twice in 16 months.

My problem in hindsight is that I was berating her defense

of change when I should have been building on her defense. As

if I judged her effort as a failure which may be so initially.

By the time I realized my stance lacked any tactfulness it was too late.

I may have been too centered on my own self when beginning the conversation. I replied that it was nice that she was receptive, but

she needs to try to initiate sometimes herself. I

think in her mind she's putting effort towards being

receptive, while I'm talking about initiating it

herself. Like its ok for her to just be a receiver -

this is probably why I got a little harsh. I tried to tell

her I was happy she was trying a little harder, but it

was too late, she'd already made up her mind that I was

unreasonable and to be unhappy running into the

bathroom and crying. By then she was wailing and

upset and reasoning is out the door - so the little

bit of progress basically got smashed by what I think

is her over-reaction and my initial dissatisfaction with

her not acknowledging the heart of the problem. However she

took it as her own failure and my unreasonable demands....she can be

oversensitive when it comes to her emotions - all or

nothing - black and white. It is so difficult to have

an objective conversation about intimacy/sexual problems

without her emotion clouding it. Now she's regressing.

This whole holiday weekend is like her little

punishment game, keeping a distance.....at first I

tried to lighten it up. Now I"m just fed up. The

cycle begins again. I cooked a few times for her

without much conversation or emotion the last few

days. She's acting like 6 months ago this weekend, quiet and

withdrawn - probably still hurt I think. I need to learn how to

listen better. If this lasts much longer though I'm going to seriously look

into divorce. I'm tired of feeling like the one who needs to

initiate change and repair....I wonder if she has the capacity to change.

I dont think she cares about intimacy and this is grating me. I hate the prospect of divorce, but I need some intimacy and sex in my marriage coming from my wife! I guess that's too high an order.

I hate the prospect of divorce, but I need some intimacy and sex in my marriage coming from my wife! I guess that's too high an order.

No...it's not.

 

She doesn't have to "change" or address the real root of any problems as they are NOT her "problem" ... of course this is not true...but from her perspective it is so.

 

She is avoiding sex with you for whatever reasons...I don't know. The toll it is taking on you is brutal.

 

In your rendition she comes off very passive aggressive. She holds the high cards and knows it. However there is no "game" when there is no one there to play with.

 

* Just leave.

 

Find a nice spot to park your bags for a couple of weeks. No Contact. Go on a vacation somewhere by yourself. Do some real soul searching on your own.

 

When you come back....lay it on the line for her.

 

It will shake her up...one way or the other...she will have to DO something.

.she can be

oversensitive when it comes to her emotions - all or

nothing - black and white.

Black or White...she will be forced to Choose...

The way I see it, you can try and try and try, but at some point you need to face it if its really going nowhere. If after everything you done, after all the times you tried so hard to make it work and she isn't budging or trying to make a change for the better of your relationship. Time to call it quits. You shouldn't be wasting your time married to someone whos not giving you 100% when your tryin to give 100%. In the long run, after your divorced you'll be thankful you didn't waste anymore time trying to fix something thats unfixable.

DUDE: no kids, only married a few years? Get out now, this from someone with 4 kids, with a wife that is not well, no physical contact, over 15 years married, years and years and many many marriage counselors. I finally piped up about a year ago about how bad she was treating me and how little I ever told her how bad, and it has been a nightmare since, but I knew this could be the outcome, and I could not keep goingthe way it was. And this is from a very Christian man, we have a very Christian family, with some of the best support from other Christian men and women you could get. And I make good money, provide very well for my family too, this is not from some narcissistic loser. Bottom line: I should have piped up years go and did not, but was getting laid and having fun, so * * * could be wrong with that? Get out, move on, you now know what to look for. Pray for her and move on. I am not leaving the marriage, my house or my kids, she is the optional one. If she wants to leave I'll help her pack.

i basically agree with a lot thats been said here....she is being passive aggressive and yet she doesnt want to talk about it or yadda yadda...

 

lifes too short mate to invest in someone who just isnt into you and pulls this rejecting nasty crap on you. your self esteem is probably at an all time low.....would you say this is love? is this part of marriage? no....its pure and simple unhealthy and i think you should separate from her.

 

i dont get a good feeling with this woman....

This thread is 3 years old!

Well, it's been a few years, and I'm still with my wife. I never left. Our relationship has become more co-habitation and friendship although we occasionally are intimate. Reading some other stories and in general, it seems common that sex-drives slow down. I guess after long periods of frustrations I have sort of pushed the need for sex away or rationalized it with will power. Now, on occasion I ask, and she says not interested, I dismiss it. On rare occasions she says ok, and we are sexually intimate. I find to have this relationship, I have to come to the realization that she has very little sex-drive and will not initiate. Would I be happier with someone with a higher libido? Definitely for sex, but overall it would be difficult to know. I guess I am happy enough dampening my libido and enjoying my life with her. To tear it down, the relationship would need to be in a worse state than just infrequent sex. As another friend pointed out, new relationships comes with new sets of problems. So while hypothetically a new relationship would improve sex, something other aspect of the relationship would be problematic. Re-reading a earlier post I was amused by the Peppy-La-Pew skunk analogy of myself mostly because that may have been spot on. In this case if I hadn't changed my going-after behaivior, I would've had to have moved on.

It's threads like these that make me sometimes wonder if getting married, dating and relationships in general are even worth it?

 

In the beginning everything goes great; everybody is on their best behavior and going above and beyond for the relationship to thrive. Then inevitably, the quality of the relationship starts to fold. The communication stops, sex becomes a chore or "duty", there's less and less quality time together as work and other "obligations" begin to crust over the relationships' essentials for survival. So the same things that once brought a couple together and/or in holy matrimony are lost at sea. Obviously not all marriages are like that, but a good handful of them are and eventually things just continue to wash out until the couple now no longer know each other and wonder why they even got married in the first place. The facts? Look at the percent of divorce rates today and the number of divorcees who have advised how much better infact they really had it up until the point they decided to settle down and get married. That has to mean something after a while.