My boyfriend thinks he is gay- what do i do now?
Its 1:46am, and although it happned almost a week ago, I still cannot sleep.
I came here to find answers- this place is called "You are not alone"...but i cannot help but feel like I am the only person on this planet right now.
If there is anyone out there with my same situation, I would be forever greatful for any advice or things that you did to deal with it.
Basically, my boyfriend has told me he thinks he may be gay/bi....and i have not the slightest idea what to do with myself.
It recently came up after we parted ways for the summer (we both attend the same university and are home visiting family/working for the summer). We had literally been away from eachother for 3 days when he called me and told me "he has been doing alot of thinking". When he finally said "I think i may be gay", i tried to act calm and collected for his sake, this being the first time he has even said it aloud.
Turns out, before me and him ever got started, there was a guy that he worked a summer job with. They had went as far as having sex, my boyfriend being the one giving, never receiving....(i asked him to tell me everything, im sorry if this is too graphic for some). He also said that he felt dirty after every single time, even would go home and sit in the shower and cry. Outside of engaging in sexual activity, him and this guy never acted as a couple, my boyfriend saying that this guy only ever treated him as a f**k buddy while making sure to flirt with every girl possible. The way he described him, it made him sound like a jerk almost (though my views are probably biased). He said he never thought of being with him emotionally, and that it was all lust driven, and that it felt wrong after everytime it happened.
He also went on to say that was the only gay experience he's had. He says that he is very attracted to females, and was always physically attracted to me. He says that his sexual preference is very situational and varies from person to person. Thats why he says that he thinks he is bi sexual.
I have heard so many things about bi seuxals "only being in denial of their homosexuality" or that they "always end up fully gay in the end". I would have no idea, not being bi myself. Im trying so very hard to think that me and my boyfriend will work. Im tyring very hard to not let him thinking men are attractive bother me, and that only when it gets in the way of us as a couple to be the only time it bothers me....I just dont know if i will be able to supress sadness if i see him staring at a male...or talking about other guys....i dont know if the wondering and the pining over it will ultimately drive me insane.
He says he doesnt want to give up on what we had. Although its only been a short time, he says that it has been amazing and that he doesnt want to lose it. He will be working the same job this summer, the job where he met this guy that he has had sex with. However, he hasnt talked to this guy in so long, and says that he doesnt even know if he will be there. I told him that he should throw us away because for a possibility of a tempatation that he doesnt even know if it will be back. And he agreed...
We have only been together for a short time. However, it has been a very memorable time, as well as the first time I have ever allowed myself to fall in love. We attend the same university, are in the same organizations, and are even in a joint fraternity and sorority. Everything just feels right. We have so much fun together, the sex is amazing and happens every day, and we both feel so incredibly happy with one another.
Im sorry that this post is so lengthy... i just felt it theraputic to write this all down...as you can imagine, i cant really talk to anyone i know about this.
I guess what i am asking is, has there ever been a relationship between a straight woman and a bi man that worked out?
I came here to feel like on this immense planet of billions of people, someone else might have come out of a similar situation triumphant and still madly in love.
Please....i have done nothing but pray...and even if God has answered me, i have not been able to recognize it....someone, anyone with answers or advice, please answer back. It would make me feel like my whole world isnt entirely falling apart....
All the best,
There are plenty of relationships where one of the partenrs are bisexual that work just fine.
In-fact you would be surprised just how many relationships have a bisexual partner.
The question you need to ask yourself, is:
Is this something that I, as an individual, could deal with?
Him sleeping with and engaging in sexual acts with men, then coming home to yourself.
What is your threshold or openess on these sorts of issues.
Would you engage in a threesome with 2 men, where your partner also performs sexual acts on the man?
Bisexuals, male or female ar not simply "gays in denial". That notion is silly and well, silly.
There are so many hurdles for you to overcome if you are to accept this man as your partner in the knowledge that he is also having sex with other men. Sometimes "love" for another person is not enough, as this is a very very serious issue.
I've never been in a situation like this, and it's hard for me to relate...but i gues the main thing here is fidelity. If you feel you can deal with having a bisexual partner, trust is even more important. Do you feel you can really trust him?
I strongly disagree with that. People are all different. I don't think bisexuals are in denial at all. This quote sums up my opinion pretty well: "While I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you were a guy... Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely."
Originally Posted by musikm8kr
I've known of a bisexual woman/straight man relationship working out. Also of a bisexual woman/homosexual woman. I mean, I really think it depends on the specific people. If you genuinely like each other and complement each other and are sexually attracted to one another, then anything else shouldn't matter. If your boyfriend is bisexual and wants to be in a relationship with you, then that means so much more because he is choosing to be with you over literally everyone else he knows.
Forgot to mention- the most stable relationship out of all my friends right now is one between a bisexual female and a straight male. They've been dating for almost 2 years now and are basically living together. However, notably the bisexual female is really comfortable with her orientation. So I think if you're really supportive of your boyfriend and let him know that it's ok if he's bisexual, then that will help.
Last edited by Haven; 05-10-2008 at 02:47 AM.
"You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there."
I agree with the others. And of course, bisexual people can be in a committed relationship with a straight person. Provided of course, both people want it and are working for it.
That's been the case in my longer term relationships! lol.
The main problem I see currently in the situation you are in is individual things, not to do with his bisexuality at all.
Problems or hurdles to be looking at, in my opinion are:
- your comfort and acceptance
-this relationship is still quite new and so there is only so much groundwork done, trust, etc....this isn't necessarily going to be a big problem..but it could require more effort of both of you now to go forward
Probably the biggest: him. His still discovering and 'outing' his sexual identity. The issues HE himself seems to have with it, and the way he is going about it.
So you look at him - where he is at - what level of honesty and openness is he willing to bring and live - will his 'inside' be consistent with his 'outside' - how do you feel about that - is he a good match for you in the long(er) run than the fun that is to be had at university while the two of you make such a 'perfect' match in that setting?
No one can say whether it will work out or not as it will depend on the two of you.
Here's the number one q I'd be wondering o you really trust him?
Has any of what he's now said changed your feelings for him? Affected what you think you can expect from him in this relationship?
Every moment is a choice.
Red pants make you play faster.
"if you are looking for substance, you have to be of substance yourself. " - happybear
There are two separate issues here: sexuality and fidelity.
If someone is genuinely bi and faithful, it just means that they have a larger pool of suitors to choose from (male and female), and they choose one partner and then are faithful to them. This is no different than an hetero man choosing one woman, except it's a bi man choosing one woman. They are faithful to their partner, regardless of sex.
So being bi is no excuse to cheat or chase more than one person. That is a choice the person is making, to pursue more than one person.
The risk you run is whether the person is genuinely bi, or really gay and suppressing it. Many gay men are in marriages, or have former female partners and children before they decide they are truly gay and want to live the gay lifestyle with another gay person.
If he is truly bisexual and wants to be faithful, there should be no sexuality conflict, other than any other hetero man who is tempted by other women. He may be tempted by other men, but doesn't need to act on it any more than a hetero man does.
Otherwise, he's using being bi as an excuse to cheat, which it isn't. Just because hetero men like women doesn't mean they should cheat with other women.
Don't let him confuse the two issues. Decide whether fidelity is important to you, and you also need to decide whether you are willing to risk the fact that he might be gay and denying it to himself, and might one day in future sit up and decide he is gay and leave you for another man.
So talk to him about fidelity AND the possibility that he might be gay and in denial becuase it disturbs him.
I have been in a very similar situation.
My advice? Run. Run as fast as you can, while you can. Do not get further involved with him, because if you feel anguish now -- and you clearly do -- how will you feel ten years from now, when, say, you have children and he suddenly decides that he is not bi at all, but rather is gay, and needs to be true to himself and live his life honestly?
What on earth would you do? What would you tell your parents? Your family? Your friends? Your children? And yet this very real situation could in fact occur.
You are YOUNG. There are millions of great guys out there who are great in bed, who are NOT confused, and with whom you can build a real future.
My question is this: Why on earth are you settling for anything less? Trust me, as one who has basically been there, your real problem is not this guy; it's your own lack of self-esteem that is telling you that YOU are not good enough to move on!
Part of real love is getting to know another person deeply and accepting that person as they are. Well, it seems to me that in fact you do not have as much in common as you originally thought (which has got to hurt). Now, he's peeled back a layer and has shown you more of who he really is. Is it truly fair to HIM if you find you genuinely can't accept him as he is, but desperately try to because otherwise it would mean facing the truth and giving up something that you've discovered is a fantasy? That's the real kind of question you have to ask yourself, for his sake as well as yours.
And only you know the answers. Whatever you do, LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. You owe it to yourself -- and to him. And then decide what will be best for YOU, whether that includes him or not. Don't settle for less -- if you do, you will regret it more than you can imagine.
Thank you so much for the replies
I want to start out by saying thank you. I didnt expect so many helpful and understanding responses.
After reading them all, i realized that i may have stated something to be offensive in my first post. I said that i have heard that bisexual people are just in denial of truly being homosexual. I want to make sure that everyone knows that I was only stating what I heard, and that I had no idea of this being true...im sorry if it offended anyone, that was definately not my intent.
Most people asked me two things: 1) if i trusted him, and 2) if i was willing to accept this as a person.
As for number one, i do trust him. The fact that he told me and didnt want to hide his biggest secret from me reminds me that we feel we can tell eachother anything. The one time he did something about his attraction to men was before me, and did not continue around the time me and him started and continued from there. I wasnt sure about if i trusted him, and im thinking that it had something to do with the overall shock of the situation. He doesnt want to give us up. He is not asking me to be in a threesome with him and another male, nor is he wanting/asking to be able to engage in anyother sexual act with someone other than me, whether it be male or female.
As for number two- i have never, EVER had an uncomfortable feeling towards or dislike towards bisexual or homosexual people. Actually, being a music major (if you are a music major, you know exactly what i am talking about alot of my friends are indeed gay or bi. I myself have engaged in sexual behavior with a girl before. So, i guess its not so much an issue with being gay or bi, but its an issue of, if this relationship does continue to move forward, is he one day going to decide that his physical attraction towards men is too much to ignore.
Someone asked me if i would agree to be in a threesome with him and another male. I would actually think about it, and consider it...not just to make him happy, but also that i am curious about how it would feel, and i sometimes even think that would be pleasurable...however, i would have to think about it LONG and HARD (no pun intended) before actually engaging in it.
I know that ultimately, we are all strangers here, and that it will really be what i decide in the end. However, i find comfort in your responses, especially since i wasnt expecting ANY responses. I guess my question now is, as an outsider reading this, do you think we have a chance. In my mind, as well as his, we are hoping that we do have a chance, and we are continuing to work on us as a couple. However, it is always nice to receive an outsiders perspective.....what do you think?
Thank you again for all of your help. I said i would be eternally greatful, and i am.
All the best,
if he thinks he is gay, he likely is
Music majors unite! Although we do seem to have our gay issues...
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