Jump to content

Why does my ex keep talking to me?


kevinm

Recommended Posts

I'm just curious as to why my ex keeps talking to me. We broke up a month ago and since that time we've had very limited contact. She's told me she misses me, felt like "we" (read: she) made a mistake, etc.

 

Then when she contacts me there's still nothing there as far as what she has to say. I can tell she is trying to extract my feelings, trying to draw me out. And while I do still care for her, my desire to reconcile things with her keeps diminishing. I feel if she wants me back she would make greater efforts beyond simply telling me she misses me.

 

She has called me a couple of times, usually once a week and when we talk she says nothing. She tells me about her day to day stuff, how her daughter is doing, etc. The thing is, if she doesn't have anything to say of any importance relating to reconciliation, why contact me every week? On top of all of this our conversations are so brief, with her always being the one to disconnect such as, "Okay, well I just wanted to see how you were doing. I'm going to get back to what I was doing. Talk to you later."

 

With my long distance friends (college buddies, friends in other states, etc) I usually catch up with them maybe once a month.

 

So what gives?

 

-Kevin

Link to comment

Well i believe she isn't ready to cut the ties. She wants to know that you are still around and 'available'. History and comfort level with another is a hard connection to let go of, regardless as to who ended the relationship.

Link to comment

If you were smart this is what you should do and I'm being 100% serious.

 

You need to re-establish your dignity in this situation and regain the upperhand and here is how you do it.

 

Stop acting like the victim here and instead start feelilng liberated. You are free from her now and you don't have to put up with someone that is confused about their feelings towards you. That is cruel and you are better off finding someone that doesn't have to question their feelings towards you.

 

So stop picking up the phone when she calls, stop responding to emails, and don't reply to any of her text messages.

 

I would tell her that you are happy now and have moved on and would prefer it if she didn't contact you anymore because you simply don't have the time now that you have your life back.

 

And then stay gone. This will give you the space and distance you need to move on with your life and separate the emotional connection that the two of you have and that is keeping you in contact. She showed her true feelings when she showed you the door, now you take control and show her the door right back.

 

I know this may sound cruel, unnessesary, whatever...but the fact is that unless you do this you are going to constantly be in a state of limbo where you're not sure from day to day if this woman loves you and wants to be with you or not. So take the power away from her and make the decision for yourself that you aren't going to put up with this.

 

It will either keep her gone for good or drive her back but either way this is to get you back and for you alone.

Link to comment
I think you are all correct. DN, why do you think she would shut me down?

 

-Kevin

Because some people like to play games. They have a need to know that they are wanted and desired but can't commit themselves. If they feel their ex is moving on in some way they will drop hints that there is a possibility of reconciliation. Once the ex takes the bait they have received their validation that the ex still wants them and that is all they ever wanted - so now they can afford to pull away again.

Link to comment
Because some people like to play games. They have a need to know that they are wanted and desired but can't commit themselves. If they feel their ex is moving on in some way they will drop hints that there is a possibility of reconciliation. Once the ex takes the bait they have received their validation that the ex still wants them and that is all they ever wanted - so now they can afford to pull away again.

 

I completely agree. I also think it speaks volumes regarding their insecurity factor.

Link to comment

Iwin, with all due respect, I disagree with your opinion. I don't feel the need to get into the NC debate, beyond stating that I'm not for NC, at least in this particular case.

 

And for the record, I am a fairly smart guy, I don't see where I have lost my dignity, and I'm not painting myself as a victim here. I broke it off with her. As far as "having my life back", I don't define my life based upon a love relationship, so how can I regain something I have never lost?

 

While I appreciate your input iwin, you are way out of line.

 

-Kevin

Link to comment

Ah, okay DN, I see where you are coming from. Thanks for the clarification. And this is exactly why I feel SHE needs to be the one making an effort for reconciliation, and not me. I was willing to do so much for her, for us, but I refuse to be a punching bag.

 

-Kevin

 

 

Because some people like to play games. They have a need to know that they are wanted and desired but can't commit themselves. If they feel their ex is moving on in some way they will drop hints that there is a possibility of reconciliation. Once the ex takes the bait they have received their validation that the ex still wants them and that is all they ever wanted - so now they can afford to pull away again.
Link to comment
Iwin, with all due respect, I disagree with your opinion. I don't feel the need to get into the NC debate, beyond stating that I'm not for NC, at least in this particular case.

 

And for the record, I am a fairly smart guy, I don't see where I have lost my dignity, and I'm not painting myself as a victim here. I broke it off with her. As far as "having my life back", I don't define my life based upon a love relationship, so how can I regain something I have never lost?

 

While I appreciate your input iwin, you are way out of line.

 

-Kevin

 

So wait a second. Your question initially was "why does my ex keep contacting me?"

 

Well, the answer is because you keep accepting her contact by picking up the phone and talking to her. If you aren't doing NC and are maintaining contact then why is it odd that she is contacting you?

 

 

 

And I don't think you're painting yourself as the victim here at all...but I think you are allowing this woman to control your emotions - and so that is why I suggested that you could regain some dignity by no longer allowing her to do this to you!

Link to comment

Iwin, I'm not playing games. If my phone rings I pick it up. I have no desire to avoid her to spare my feelings. I'm wondering about her intentions. It's not about control.

 

LOL, you were the one who called me the victim, not me buddy! And again, where have I lost my dignity?

 

-Kevin

Link to comment

Ask her her intentions and motives for calling you. If she says to see how you're doing and wants to be a friend, tell her to keep her distance where it is--long distance. If you don't keep up wiht long-term friends as much as she contacts you, you don't have to keep that constant state of contact. You don't need to cut her off completely, espcially if you care about her, but you do need to be up front about what your intentions and motives are and what hers are as well.

Link to comment

Thanks Hersmudders. I probably don't assert myself with her in regards to setting boundaries. I haven't told her I'm talking to other women yet. Frankly, I don't think that's any of her business anyway. I haven't lied about my intentions with her, but I'm also in a spot where my desire to reconcile is less and less. Our love is fading.

 

-Kevin

Link to comment

I liked the idea of setting some boundaries. Do you want or not want her to call? I think if you broke it off then it is very obvious that she has some pain and talking to you at least still keeps that emotional connection between you two there.

 

I agree that your business with other women is not hers at all. You two broke up and you live your own life now.

 

I think you're non-game playing straight forward attitude and picking up the phone and talking is a good approach and I admire it. Just was offering some advice so that you don't get hurt emotionally.

 

I think hermudders offered good advice.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...