How can a Love addict leave a bad relationship!!!

[cody41]

I really need some advice.. I have posted a bunch of times, I'm sure maybe of you might remember my story and have offerred advice (thank you!).... For those who don't know, I am 26/female and engaged.. My fiance is 32.. we have been together almost 2 years and live together in his house.
I have explained before that my fiance has a very bad temper... We were together 6 months before I saw any of this temper, and things were amazing so we got engaged... Once I got to know him, this temper slowly started to creep out during arguements or when he was angered by certain things.. He has quite an aggressive personality and although I have never been exposed to physical violence I am not naive to say it could never happen in the future. My fiance is very smothering and because of his past issues with trust, he became very possessive and controlling.... I have told him over and over he needs to work on this and for awhile he does seem to handle things better. He claims when I go out he just wants "common courtesy" and let him know when I am coming home... but that has not stopped him from calling and texting continuously when I am out, or becoming angry when I come home for taking too long... He has improved slightly, but the controlling and possessiveness is still there quietly in the shadows for now. I also don't go out as much as I used to.
Back about 6 months ago, his temper/anger/controlling and possiveness got so out of hand that I tried to walk away........ I moved everything out of his place and left... We were only broken up for about 12 hours, but after one night apart we both realized we wanted to make it work...
Turns out, that night we spent apart he went up to meet an ex fling of his and well, I'm sure my imagination can say what happened... This caused a huge problem in my trust for him...... He claims because we broke up he was free to do whatever he wanted and that I broke up with HIM.... he was clearly upset about it, and for whatever reason that might have made him feel better (or worse).
Since this time, we have gotten along fairly well, but my heart is still broken........ How a man cause not even recognize HIS mistakes (the control/anger/temper) and not understand WHY I broke up with him, he to make matters worse goes and sleeps with someone else.
He has never said he was sorry for what he did, just that he messed up. He doesn't seem to think his anger/posessiveness/control is a problem... He is in complete denial.... He will only admit he does have a temper, and he says he has worked on that and the only time he gets really angry is when I keep drilling him about past mistakes.
Understandable, I have grilled him alot about his Ex's... because I am hurt....... and he still finds a way to blame his anger on ME... that god forbit I ask over and over why he did what he did, because I am still hurt about it.
I have been to my counsellor, she knows everything.... She thinks he is not good for me (as do most people) and even though I have alot of support to leave him, I LOVE THIS MAN....... I know he loves me, he wants to spend every waking moment with me and all he wants is us to be happy... But he has problems... LOTS of them... emotional issues from past hurts, an anger/rage problem probably due to depression deep inside of him... He has NEVER been loved.... His parents are great to him, but as far as women goes, my fiance has only ever been hurt. He has been cheated on by every single woman he has dated... or no woman has ever loved him. I would be the FIRST and only woman to ever really love him and treat him well..... Yet deep down I don't even think he deserves my love. (At this point he probably doesn't).
What is a girl to do? I am 26, beautiful.. have a whole life ahead of me....... but my biggest problem is I LOVE too much...... I am afraid to be alone... I think I have a love addiction....... it is nearly impossible for me to leave someone when I have no one.
I need major help.... I have been killing myself physically/emotionally because I feel trapped... My heart wants to forgive him and stay... but my head says GO.. he doesn't deserve me... and its ripping me apart inside because I am so dead inside.. I have severe anxiety and depression over this, losing weight day after day and now I feel weak to even try to leave. This is about the 5th time I've tried to prepare myself mentally to leave, and every time I am just about to leave I cave in and can't do it... The pain of leaving him to me feels worse than the pain staying with him.
I really need help either learning to forgive and work on my relationship, or need help and assistance to LEAVE and stay out. This would be a no brainer for most people, but I have a serious problem.. I am a love addict.. I don't feel strong unless I am with someone I love. And even though I could go and cheat and find another guy, I want to do the RIGHT thing... and I want to be strong....
Does anyone have any advice on where I can seek help? Books? A psychologist?
My counsellor is great, but I think this is beyond her help...

[Scorpio1984]

Hi

I am 23 years old and hopefully I can offer some advice

The obvious is this guy is completely insecure thus the controlling, anger and possessivenes. He went back to his ex, not because he doesn't love you but because he needs to have people around him to make him feel love or secure with himself. You walking out on him probably made him feel like he was deserving and his insecurities led him to his ex, that could have been substituted with alcohol, drugs etc, he used sex and his ex. Now he's blaming you for his actions, when in fact its his insecurities that led him to do this.

It doesn't matter how much he loves you, if he doesn't want to change then he's not going too. And that has nothing to do with his love for you. He as a person has a lot of issues, that you as the girlfriend can't fix for him. You have done your part to identify his faults, now its up to him to try and resolve the issues. If he refuses to admit and change then you need to recognize that its better to give up 2 years than to endure another 60 years of this kind of behavior ( i.e. if you spend the rest of your life with him). I know that being with a person for that long can be hurtful but think of what the future will hold. If he can't take care of himself emotionally how is he suppose to take care of another individual and let alone down the line if he has kids. These are very important issues given you are planning to marry and already living with each other.

If you do decide to walk away, then before you do make sure you have an excellent support system, a place to go and things to keep you occupied. You sticking it out with him to fix his issues that he obviously has no intentions of fixing doesn't make you a good girlfriend. You are already a great girlfriend, at this point, no one is looking out for you including yourself. This is stressful and unhealthy relationship in every respect. He needs a lot of attention, so much so that doesn't even stop to think of your needs. By staying with him, you are depriving yourself of a fulfilling life.

I hope I helped.

[Canadian1975]

My adice:

GET OUT! No one should ever have to worry about something like that. Why should you punish yourself over him? There are others out there who can and WILL treat you the way you should be!

[cody41]

That was excellent advice... thank you, and I totally agree I know deep down he is insecure.. that is why he has been so posessive... And most people that know us completely see it (without even witnessing it).. It doesn't help when people (including strangers) make comments like WOW how did YOU get a girl like that... etc.
But I don't care... I loved him for his personality and the way he made me feel... Even if he is out of my league, I still feel a VERY strong connection and attraction to him.. I can't even explain it.
My fiance is very outgoing, appears very confident on the outside, assertive, a very "alpha" type of personality. He used to date ALOT of women when he was single, but now I realize it was all just to boost his ego and insecurities.
This would explain why my fiance has kept about 6-7 ex'es as "friends" since we have met. He doesn't hang out with them, but I always found it weird why he needed so many women around as friends (wasn't I enough?).

My fiance is even the type of guy when we are out, most people would be shocked to see him walking holding hands with a girl like me! Yet he STILL has to walk and notice other women..... And I'm not dumb, I've dated guys before and they ALL look... but my fiance looks to an extent where I feel he is looking just to see if the female LOOKS back and notices him/thus boosting his ego.

I have noticed all of this... and it's getting very tiring.... He is a 32 almost 33 year old man for christ sakes!!! Grow up!!
And he went through a single phase from age 25-31 and from the reputation he made, he dated ALOT of women.... So I don't understand why he is insecure still...
Maybe he is just completely insecure in relationships?

[cody41]

And I know I need to get out........ I dont know why I can't
Like I said, I have a love addiction and I guess I am afraid to hurt and it feels like I am dying when I try and leave him...... I know he loves me, that is the worst part!!!
I feel like I can fix him.. he needs major help! But then I realize I am WAY better than that... and I shouldn't have to fix anyone!

I do however, feel if I met someone else and feel in love I could leave him in a heartbeat! Which is not right......... I have never been through a bad breakup, especially when I still had feelings for someone.... I don't know how to do this..
Trust me I've tried!!!!!!!! I have moved out/spend a night away from him at least 3-4 times now! And I have mentally broken up/started to check out at least 10 times now!!! I am never strong enough to follow through..
The only thing that eases my pain is when I go back to him.......... but this time I have severe anxiety... it's getting worse and worse.

[metrogirl]

I don't think it is so much the love aspect of it, you crave the drama that he brings to the relationship and that is not healthy.

My story.....I just ended a 3 year relationship with someone exactly like your boyfriend. Heck, we could be dating the same man for all I know.

His craziness ended up making me physically and emotionally ill. I tried and tried to leave but could never muster the courage to do it. I would always fall back into the same routine with him. Somehow, I thought he just needed me and that in time he would be the man that I needed/wanted him to be. It took me a long time to realize that if he really wanted to be that person, he would have worked on his issues early on in the relationship. He was always quick to profess his love to me and I would tell him that to love someone is not to hurt them. He reallys believes, still to this day that his behavior is indicative of how he really feels about me. To be jealous and controlling is showing profound love. He really believes that.

I believe that I deserve to be treated with equality and respect. You deserve that as well. It's really demeaning to be grilled like a hotdog when you come back from an outing. I hated it. I'm sure you must as well.

Those kind of behaviors will never change. They are part of who he is. You have to decide if you really want to continue being viewed as the bad person because he can't find that comfortable level of trust within himself.

[cody41]

Trust me I dont' like the drama... If I did, it wouldn't be making me physically ill... My doctor and counsellor are scared for me because I keep losing weight and look ill... My boss at work and family are worried about me.... they want to see my happy. And so do I... but for some reason I am not strong enough to end this.
I guess I am at the point of the wakeup call... I finally see this is HIM.. and I want to see if this really is how its going to be, than I won't be able to last doing this much longer....
And on top of everything doubt breeds doubt, negativity breeds negativity... and all this pulling away I have done, or told him what I don't want to live with forever probably makes him even more insecure.

I just want to know what can I do to get help... Do I need some books? Or a psychologist to help me stay out?
I have tried to gradual thing.. the cold turkey.. having the support system.. nothing is working!

[metrogirl]

It has to happen within you......No one can make you leave. You can read a 100 hundred books, but in the end if you don't follow what is being said that you are right back to square one.

See, you are a lot like me.....You want to fix him, you want to fix the relationship. I think you truly believe that if you continue to love him that whatever is making him act jealous and posessive will disappear. I know you believe in your heart that since he has never really experienced love, if you just love him a little more each time that he will come to his senses and the jealousy will subside. I thought the same thing. I knew my ex had never really experienced a deep profound love and I just knew in my heart, the more love I give the softer he would become. I was fooling myself.

People like that have deep rooted issues. They can't change therefore it becomes neccesary to remove ourselves from the relationship before it becomes even more toxic.

[cody41]

So Metrogirl....What made you finally decide to leave? And how did you do it?
What were you feeling and how did you make yourself not hurt anymore or at least let yourself heal and get over him?

[metrogirl]

Originally Posted by cody41

So Metrogirl....What made you finally decide to leave? And how did you do it?
What were you feeling and how did you make yourself not hurt anymore or at least let yourself heal and get over him?

Well first let me just say that it wasn't easy. I loved him immensly. I think I craved the drama that came with the relationship as well, because for as much as we fought and as cruel as he was to me, I couldn't leave. It was crazy. Everyone around me saw that I was an emotional wreck.

How did I leave??? Well, each day I would think about everything that he put me through, every foul thing he ever said to me. I would think about it long and hard and I had to ask myself, "Metro, is this what you really want in a relationship?" When I started to feel a moment of weakness I would remind myself that he really wasn't so nice when the posessiveness and jealousy reared it's ugly head. I had to keep reminding myself, if I stay, it's never never never going to change. He will always be jealous, he will always be controlling, he will always justify it by claiming that is what love is really about.

One morning, I just went for it. I told him that I never imagined my relationship with him would be so toxic and that the only way I am ever going to heal is to leave the relationship. It's not easy. He's still trying to win me back and it has been almost 2 months.

You just have to believe that there is something better for you out there. Some women are okay with men like that, you obviously are not okay, nor was I. Therefore you need to find that inner strength and just know that there is someone out there that is going to appreciate the love you have for them and return it in kind.