whenever I like someone my psychological issues rise to the surface

Lucy__lou · 04-24-2008, 12:05 PM

I know it's bad practice to act flakey when you're trying to win the affection of someone new, but I find that if I really like someone, I start revealing all my flakeyness. My anxiety will come to the surface, and I'll find myself confessing a lot of my faults to them. It's like I'm trying to get them to accept me warts and all, but it's inevitably a turn off.

Most of the time, I feel pretty stable and good about myself. I have problems I guess, but I've structured my life so that I'm not constantly battling with them (e.g. I get anxiety in a lot of social settings, mostly rejection sensitivity, so I just don't try to make friends (wouldn't know how to anyway), and I don't go out much). I guess my darkest secret that I end up confessing is that I don't really have a social life. I don't have many friends really, and I'm a social recluse. It's not that I want the guy to save me from my solitude, but it does turn them off. How do I stop this urge to confess my issues to guys I'm interested in?

civilservant · 04-24-2008, 12:11 PM

Hey, I know exactly what you mean, because I do the VERY same thing. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd like to hear them too.

angelsoft · 04-24-2008, 12:14 PM

If you are a recluse than that's a big problem for you. You can't live life in isolation like that. People WILL begin to think that you are weird. Are you in school? Do you work? I'm sure you can meet people that way.

angelsoft · 04-24-2008, 12:15 PM

Even if it takes a lot of energy to talk to someone you don't know, DO IT! It's the only way you will gain practice and will eventually break out of these irrational feelings you have about other people.

angelsoft · 04-24-2008, 12:16 PM

Don't come down on yourself because you have anxiety in social situations. Almost everyone has some anxiety walking into a situation that they don't know the outcome of. Everyone experiences anxiety every single day. It's something that just can't be avoided.

If you keep on isolating yourself from people, than being around them is going to keep on getting harder and harder for you, until one day you won't even want to leave the house.

nilli · 04-24-2008, 12:17 PM

Don't have any useful advice for you, just wanted to say that I feel the same way myself. I fear that relationshios really bring out the worst in me and, although i've certainly becaome more social in recent times, I still balk at relationships...especially when I sense that the person is far more stable than me. I tell them my faults in a jokey way and I think for me it's like I'm saying 'don't expect any better from me'.

Another issue is that I'm not very good at saying what my qualities are...when I'm asked..I get all tongue-tied and confused because as soon as I think of something, I can find examples to counter that.

Perhaps being aware that this is a tendency is a good thing, it's the start of trying to change it.

angelsoft · 04-24-2008, 12:22 PM

^^You both need to stop giving everyone else so much credit. What makes you any worse off than someone else?

Lucy__lou · 04-24-2008, 12:23 PM

Well actually, I'm quite a friendly and sociable person. I do talk to people, but at the same time I'm guarded and wouldn't have a clue how to make friends to spend time with one on one, which I like the best. I am friendly at work, but at the same time, I don't know how to make outside work friends. I am not from this town originally, and I haven't managed to meet many people outside work or my housemates and made any friends. I don't know how others do it. What I do know is that when people catch wind of the fact that I'm alone, they back off. Perhaps they sense my loneliness. I don't enjoy parties unless I have people there I've already had time to get to know one on one.

I'm usually quite defiant about the prejudice that exists for people who don't have friends, but when I like someone, I guess I start to feel a bit heavy at the idea of them putting that prejudice on me. Hence the urge to confess before I get too attached.

karvala · 04-24-2008, 12:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angelsoft

If you are a recluse than that's a big problem for you. You can't live life in isolation like that. People WILL begin to think that you are weird. Are you in school? Do you work? I'm sure you can meet people that way.

You'd certainly think this should be true, but curiously in my experience it doesn't really matter. Even in my most reclusive days (and I'm not exactly a party animal even now), when I found someone I wanted to be with and fooled her into thinking I was a great guy

, my lack of friends at the time was not something that made her run for this hills. This happened more than once as well. That's not to say that being the life and soul of the party doesn't help make you more attractive, because it certainly does (I also know that from experience), but social status is only one of a number of status variables that people use when deciding if someone is worth being with.

karvala · 04-24-2008, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucy__lou

I'm usually quite defiant about the prejudice that exists for people who don't have friends, but when I like someone, I guess I start to feel a bit heavy at the idea of them putting that prejudice on me. Hence the urge to confess before I get too attached.

If you're experiencing this, I think it's most likely because of the way you go about it. It can be cute, and make you look like a relaxed, easy catch that a guy doesn't have to feel threatened with if you do it right. But yes, it can look like something out of a horror film if you do it wrong.

04-24-2008, 12:05 PM	#1
Lucy__lou Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 724	whenever I like someone my psychological issues rise to the surface I know it's bad practice to act flakey when you're trying to win the affection of someone new, but I find that if I really like someone, I start revealing all my flakeyness. My anxiety will come to the surface, and I'll find myself confessing a lot of my faults to them. It's like I'm trying to get them to accept me warts and all, but it's inevitably a turn off. Most of the time, I feel pretty stable and good about myself. I have problems I guess, but I've structured my life so that I'm not constantly battling with them (e.g. I get anxiety in a lot of social settings, mostly rejection sensitivity, so I just don't try to make friends (wouldn't know how to anyway), and I don't go out much). I guess my darkest secret that I end up confessing is that I don't really have a social life. I don't have many friends really, and I'm a social recluse. It's not that I want the guy to save me from my solitude, but it does turn them off. How do I stop this urge to confess my issues to guys I'm interested in?

04-24-2008, 12:11 PM	#2
civilservant Offline Gold Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,055	Hey, I know exactly what you mean, because I do the VERY same thing. If anyone has any suggestions, I'd like to hear them too. __________________ "To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have" ~ Anon "Don't have a battle of wits with an unarmed oppenent" ~ Anon "A real leader faces the music, even if he dosen't like the tune" ~ Anon

04-24-2008, 12:14 PM	#3
angelsoft Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 243	If you are a recluse than that's a big problem for you. You can't live life in isolation like that. People WILL begin to think that you are weird. Are you in school? Do you work? I'm sure you can meet people that way. __________________ "Caring for another helps the other to care for and about others "To help another person grow is at least to help him to care for something or someone apart from himself, and it involves encouraging and assisting him to find and create areas of his own in which he is able to care...." —Milton Mayeroff

04-24-2008, 12:15 PM	#4
angelsoft Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 243	Even if it takes a lot of energy to talk to someone you don't know, DO IT! It's the only way you will gain practice and will eventually break out of these irrational feelings you have about other people. __________________ "Caring for another helps the other to care for and about others "To help another person grow is at least to help him to care for something or someone apart from himself, and it involves encouraging and assisting him to find and create areas of his own in which he is able to care...." —Milton Mayeroff

04-24-2008, 12:16 PM	#5
angelsoft Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 243	Don't come down on yourself because you have anxiety in social situations. Almost everyone has some anxiety walking into a situation that they don't know the outcome of. Everyone experiences anxiety every single day. It's something that just can't be avoided. If you keep on isolating yourself from people, than being around them is going to keep on getting harder and harder for you, until one day you won't even want to leave the house. __________________ "Caring for another helps the other to care for and about others "To help another person grow is at least to help him to care for something or someone apart from himself, and it involves encouraging and assisting him to find and create areas of his own in which he is able to care...." —Milton Mayeroff

04-24-2008, 12:17 PM	#6
nilli Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Age: 33 Posts: 213	Don't have any useful advice for you, just wanted to say that I feel the same way myself. I fear that relationshios really bring out the worst in me and, although i've certainly becaome more social in recent times, I still balk at relationships...especially when I sense that the person is far more stable than me. I tell them my faults in a jokey way and I think for me it's like I'm saying 'don't expect any better from me'. Another issue is that I'm not very good at saying what my qualities are...when I'm asked..I get all tongue-tied and confused because as soon as I think of something, I can find examples to counter that. Perhaps being aware that this is a tendency is a good thing, it's the start of trying to change it.

04-24-2008, 12:22 PM	#7
angelsoft Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 243	^^You both need to stop giving everyone else so much credit. What makes you any worse off than someone else? __________________ "Caring for another helps the other to care for and about others "To help another person grow is at least to help him to care for something or someone apart from himself, and it involves encouraging and assisting him to find and create areas of his own in which he is able to care...." —Milton Mayeroff

04-24-2008, 12:23 PM	#8
Lucy__lou Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 724	Well actually, I'm quite a friendly and sociable person. I do talk to people, but at the same time I'm guarded and wouldn't have a clue how to make friends to spend time with one on one, which I like the best. I am friendly at work, but at the same time, I don't know how to make outside work friends. I am not from this town originally, and I haven't managed to meet many people outside work or my housemates and made any friends. I don't know how others do it. What I do know is that when people catch wind of the fact that I'm alone, they back off. Perhaps they sense my loneliness. I don't enjoy parties unless I have people there I've already had time to get to know one on one. I'm usually quite defiant about the prejudice that exists for people who don't have friends, but when I like someone, I guess I start to feel a bit heavy at the idea of them putting that prejudice on me. Hence the urge to confess before I get too attached.