Complicated

Anna. · 04-23-2008, 09:41 PM

Ok, I just broke up with my baby's father 3 weeks ago (been together 1 year), but I have been leaning on the ex that came directly before the baby's father for support. We were long distance, but he just happened to move back here like a couple of weeks before my break-up (not a factor in the break-up). We had a great relationship for 1 1/2 years that ended suddenly and I got pregnant by the baby's father almost immediately (I know, I know). And we tried to make it work for the baby, but we were friends not lovers and it didn't work.

Ok, here's the thing, the old ex took me out on a date this weekend. And I understand its probably too soon, but its completely over between the baby's father and I. We were never in-love in the first place.

For MANY reasons no one in the whole world would be ok with me having a relationship with this man or with him having a relationship with me (both our families have problems with the other one, even though our relationship was always good, its a small town, blah blah blah). So it would have to be a secret relationship, but I love this man alot.

BUT it would probably never work long term. I'm getting in too deep. He's the only man I'm talking to, obviously. But I'm getting jealous b/c I know he is talking to other women. Bt he truly does love me. Its me that keeps telling him its too soon and that he needs to be single right now, so he is. B/c I've got a lot of things to sort out. But its getting to me and I start thinking what the heck am I doing anyway, b/c I know I can never be with this man regardless.

I know you guys are gonna say leave this man alone all together b/c it's just too much trouble I dont need right now, but keep in mind: I truly do love him. And he's an awesome friend and loves me as well. There's just no way we could be together now.

WHAT DO I DO? Please don't be too hard on me. This guy was my very first love and these are the only 2 men I have had long term relationships with, so it's not that I HAVE to have a man, cause before these 2, I was always single and fine with it.

renaissancewoman101 · 04-23-2008, 09:50 PM

I know you guys can't have a relationship in public because of both your families' disapproval. But, can you talk to him and see if maybe he wants to be exclusive with you? You have to bring it up to him and it is a painful subject. Otherwise, you will just watch him flirt with other ladies and it will hurt you emotionally.

It is hard. I know most people would say to leave him be and concentrate on being alone and with your child. But that is not how life always works, nor how our emotions usually are.

knightNshiningarmor · 04-23-2008, 09:51 PM

wow hows your husband taking all this i bet hes crushed...pretty tuff scenario imo...i personally think first loves are always so jaded in memory...just something about them...on more then one occasion ive had to deal in combating memories of first loves and god im sick of it...why cant the particular women i date get over their first...im sure there are men who have the same issues but i dont date them so i dont see it...guess im just ranting but to the op...i think you need to take a few weeks to get your head straight but no i wouldnt give up on this guy just take a breather....seems like you need one.

Anna. · 04-23-2008, 09:58 PM

Thanks ren

And you too knight, btw: No husband, just a bf, and he left me, but it was time for it. He's not crushed I promise, he's hurt, but he wasnt in love either and he's getting the freedom he craved while we were together, and I'm taking care of our child. not bitter though, he gets her 2 nights every week, but not really helping financially right now.

Excalibur · 04-24-2008, 10:00 AM

You're a parent, and it is time to start thinking and acting as an adult so that you're a good role model for your child.

If you want to date this guy - date him. Don't do it on the sly, behind people's backs, whatever.

You're an adult - in charge of and responsible/obligated to the job/tasks/needs of parenting a child.

You must be confident in your decisions, take actions based on your goals nd beliefs, and deals with the results of your actions.

If you want to date the guy go ahead.......why do you think you need to keep this a secret?

BeStrongBeHappy · 04-24-2008, 11:48 AM

Of course you should see this guy if you want to... but I agree that you are an adult, and you shouldn't decide who to date based on what your family or other people want, but based on what YOU want and think is right for yourself.

No need to broadcast to your family who you are dating, until if and when you feel like it either. So i suggest you just start seeing him and see where it goes. If it goes nowhere, no harm done, and if it goes somewhere, then your family will just have to deal with it. You're an adult, and make your own choices.

04-23-2008, 09:41 PM	#1
Anna. Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: the South US Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 836	Complicated Ok, I just broke up with my baby's father 3 weeks ago (been together 1 year), but I have been leaning on the ex that came directly before the baby's father for support. We were long distance, but he just happened to move back here like a couple of weeks before my break-up (not a factor in the break-up). We had a great relationship for 1 1/2 years that ended suddenly and I got pregnant by the baby's father almost immediately (I know, I know). And we tried to make it work for the baby, but we were friends not lovers and it didn't work. Ok, here's the thing, the old ex took me out on a date this weekend. And I understand its probably too soon, but its completely over between the baby's father and I. We were never in-love in the first place. For MANY reasons no one in the whole world would be ok with me having a relationship with this man or with him having a relationship with me (both our families have problems with the other one, even though our relationship was always good, its a small town, blah blah blah). So it would have to be a secret relationship, but I love this man alot. BUT it would probably never work long term. I'm getting in too deep. He's the only man I'm talking to, obviously. But I'm getting jealous b/c I know he is talking to other women. Bt he truly does love me. Its me that keeps telling him its too soon and that he needs to be single right now, so he is. B/c I've got a lot of things to sort out. But its getting to me and I start thinking what the heck am I doing anyway, b/c I know I can never be with this man regardless. I know you guys are gonna say leave this man alone all together b/c it's just too much trouble I dont need right now, but keep in mind: I truly do love him. And he's an awesome friend and loves me as well. There's just no way we could be together now. WHAT DO I DO? Please don't be too hard on me. This guy was my very first love and these are the only 2 men I have had long term relationships with, so it's not that I HAVE to have a man, cause before these 2, I was always single and fine with it. __________________ I opened my eyes And looked up at the rain And it dripped in my head And flowed in my brain, And all that I hear as I lie in my bed Is the slisity-slosh of the rain in my head. -Shel Silverstein

04-23-2008, 09:51 PM	#3
knightNshiningarmor Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: inbetween Somewhere and Nowhere Gender: Male Posts: 1,128	wow hows your husband taking all this i bet hes crushed...pretty tuff scenario imo...i personally think first loves are always so jaded in memory...just something about them...on more then one occasion ive had to deal in combating memories of first loves and god im sick of it...why cant the particular women i date get over their first...im sure there are men who have the same issues but i dont date them so i dont see it...guess im just ranting but to the op...i think you need to take a few weeks to get your head straight but no i wouldnt give up on this guy just take a breather....seems like you need one. __________________ Utopia would be perfectly boring.

04-23-2008, 09:58 PM	#4
Anna. Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: the South US Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 836	Thanks ren And you too knight, btw: No husband, just a bf, and he left me, but it was time for it. He's not crushed I promise, he's hurt, but he wasnt in love either and he's getting the freedom he craved while we were together, and I'm taking care of our child. not bitter though, he gets her 2 nights every week, but not really helping financially right now. __________________ I opened my eyes And looked up at the rain And it dripped in my head And flowed in my brain, And all that I hear as I lie in my bed Is the slisity-slosh of the rain in my head. -Shel Silverstein

04-23-2008, 09:50 PM	#2
renaissancewoman101 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: the land by the sea Gender: Female Age: 36 Posts: 8,563	I know you guys can't have a relationship in public because of both your families' disapproval. But, can you talk to him and see if maybe he wants to be exclusive with you? You have to bring it up to him and it is a painful subject. Otherwise, you will just watch him flirt with other ladies and it will hurt you emotionally. It is hard. I know most people would say to leave him be and concentrate on being alone and with your child. But that is not how life always works, nor how our emotions usually are.

04-24-2008, 10:00 AM	#5
Excalibur Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1,651	You're a parent, and it is time to start thinking and acting as an adult so that you're a good role model for your child. If you want to date this guy - date him. Don't do it on the sly, behind people's backs, whatever. You're an adult - in charge of and responsible/obligated to the job/tasks/needs of parenting a child. You must be confident in your decisions, take actions based on your goals nd beliefs, and deals with the results of your actions. If you want to date the guy go ahead.......why do you think you need to keep this a secret?

04-24-2008, 11:48 AM	#6
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,415	Of course you should see this guy if you want to... but I agree that you are an adult, and you shouldn't decide who to date based on what your family or other people want, but based on what YOU want and think is right for yourself. No need to broadcast to your family who you are dating, until if and when you feel like it either. So i suggest you just start seeing him and see where it goes. If it goes nowhere, no harm done, and if it goes somewhere, then your family will just have to deal with it. You're an adult, and make your own choices.