Who else grew up with nagging, critical parents?

mintblossom · 04-18-2008, 04:15 AM

Growing up, I was always criticized at home. Sometimes I jokingly say that I was nagged and criticized until I grew up. But it's not really a joke.

Both my parents give me the feeling that nothing I do is ever enough. It's never good enough. I don't even have to be doing wrong either, I can be doing well and doing good and there is just something negative or really mean or really hurtful that they say or do. Silent treatment. Ignoring me. Telling me I am noisy or annoying or bothersome. Telling me I'm messy, disorganized, that I'm not normal, that no one else is like this.

My dad has never believed in me. He constantly thinks I am going to fail or that I will fail - whatever I undertake I am going to fail because I am a failure - that is the implicit message. When I wanted to go back to school, he didn't believe I could do it. When I wanted to raise my gpa, he didn't believe it. He's never believed in me.......and if I had ever seen myself the way my parents saw me, I would have killed myself long ago. I used to think I was born to lose but I don't believe that anymore.

I told my parents I want to get an mba one day and raise my gpa and they told me that only freshmen who started off well can do that. They got into a big blowup with me because I told them I wanted to take more classes to improve my gpa. I don't think they care whether I have goals or dreams or get into graduate school. They think it's just all talk. I have been doing very well in school, but that doesn't matter.

Everytime after a fight, I want to hurt myself. I feel worthless. But this time I know I'm not wrong because I have been doing well and because I have been responsible. I have done things right and have been improving and they still criticize me and everything I do is still wrong or flawed.

The therapist says I am the scapegoat of the family. I am sick and tired of it. If they want to live their lives unhappily and as miserable failures, why should I live that way and see myself that way? I don't want to.

I'm sick of being told I can't do this or that. I don't remember much praise growing up - just a lot of yelling, screaming, ignoring, passive punishment, criticism, being told I'm wrong, discouragement, denial, and me always ending up crying after a fight - then I'm told I'm too emotional or oversensitive.

I don't really think my parents are that normal anymore even though they imply that I'm the one that's not normal. Something about the way they are, and the way they live is very negative. I feel like a plant that's trying to grow in polluted dirt.

My mom likes to tell me I'm stupid. I made this or that decision because I'm "stupid."

My dad thinks I will fail - no matter what, whether it's growing a plant, or getting a job.

Has anyone else grown up this way? Please share.

d24 · 04-18-2008, 05:57 AM

I've had a version of that.

Everything I've done has been not good enough. My parents set unrealistic and sometimes unachieveable targets for me, and tried very hard to push me towards getting more, being #1, etc.

But at the same time whenever I fail to achieve their impossible standards they tell me they had no faith in me anyway, that I'm stupid, that I'm a failure and should feel disgusted with myself.

I'm the scapegoat of my family too. My sisters cant do anything wrong despite being college drop-outs who live on hand-outs from my parents - whereas I completed a Bachelors degree in a subject they felt was suitable, and a Masters Degree in something I felt passionately about (within that original field). I have a steady job with great pay (which they constantly compare me to my relatives who are doing better) with a loving gf (who they disapprove of and think i can/should do better), I'm buying myself a house (which they think is overpriced and no good), and it just feels like anything I do is wrong and never good enough. Whenever I fail to meet their standards they put me down further by saying I shouldn't have even tried.

I to would have killed myself long ago, and struggled for 2 years with depression. But I know they're just projecting their failures on me, and I'm relatively happy now knowing it's not my fault, and I can aim as high or low as I want/need to.

I feel for you, but I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel because when you're happy with you, nothing else really matters.

healthseeker · 04-18-2008, 06:08 AM

Hello mintblossom,

I read your post and decided to read a couple of your other posts before I responded. You have that "I have had a breakthrough" sound...and yup, I was right...you are building strength! Esp. your other post about wanting to win. Good for you!!!

If you read any of mine....you will know that we have something in common...unsupportive parents. I was never told the words you have cruelly lived with, my parents just pretended I did not exist...while the other kids did. I hate talking about that part, because I feel it makes me sound jealous. I am glad my siblings got what they did...I just could have used some too!
Hence, another scapegoat at your side!

There is not only a survivor in you...but I sense a warrior! I truly am proud of your efforts that scream "Why not? I know it's inside of me!"...I love it that you do not believe the crappy efforts of your parents telling you that you can't, won't, or whatever else makes them feel strong to say. To hell with that! I love that you seem to KNOW that you can get there...THAT is what will make the difference!

I think you should find the thread about mom's a narcissist...it knocked me out!!!! Would love to know your thoughts...or perhaps this has come up in therapy.

Keep doing what you're doing...only listen to your own instincts! You will make it, probably even farther than you have imagined!!!

k_1971 · 04-18-2008, 09:29 AM

I know the feeling. I always felt that whatever I did, it was wrong. No matter what I did.

I didn't feel happy growing up as I always seemed to be in wrong place at the wrong time amd would constantly be in trouble for stupid things.
I lost count of the number of times I felt worthless. I still do from time to time.

pinkelephant · 04-18-2008, 09:49 AM

Know the feeling sort of. My mom always want me/think i should be perfect. whenever i work on something really hard at school.. and get like 90%, instead of "omg congrats!" she goes... what happened to the other 10%? why did you mess up on 10 whole percents?!!

T_T"

~Enigmatika~ · 04-18-2008, 11:05 AM

Quote:

I'm sick of being told I can't do this or that.

Failure is NOT an option.

They never did figure that out..lol...

Eventually....you will stop giving a Rat's ass what they think or say...and then you are FREE.

Quote:

My mom likes to tell me I'm stupid. I made this or that decision because I'm "stupid."

Mmmhmmmm....let's take a long look at the list of stupidities that mom is covering up?

Quote:

My dad thinks I will fail - no matter what, whether it's growing a plant, or getting a job.

LOL....yes, because HE would Fail at it.

Define for yourself, what Success is. Let that be your guide.

04-18-2008, 05:57 AM	#2
d24 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: UK Gender: Male Age: 25 Posts: 1,064	I've had a version of that. Everything I've done has been not good enough. My parents set unrealistic and sometimes unachieveable targets for me, and tried very hard to push me towards getting more, being #1, etc. But at the same time whenever I fail to achieve their impossible standards they tell me they had no faith in me anyway, that I'm stupid, that I'm a failure and should feel disgusted with myself. I'm the scapegoat of my family too. My sisters cant do anything wrong despite being college drop-outs who live on hand-outs from my parents - whereas I completed a Bachelors degree in a subject they felt was suitable, and a Masters Degree in something I felt passionately about (within that original field). I have a steady job with great pay (which they constantly compare me to my relatives who are doing better) with a loving gf (who they disapprove of and think i can/should do better), I'm buying myself a house (which they think is overpriced and no good), and it just feels like anything I do is wrong and never good enough. Whenever I fail to meet their standards they put me down further by saying I shouldn't have even tried. I to would have killed myself long ago, and struggled for 2 years with depression. But I know they're just projecting their failures on me, and I'm relatively happy now knowing it's not my fault, and I can aim as high or low as I want/need to. I feel for you, but I think there's a light at the end of the tunnel because when you're happy with you, nothing else really matters. __________________ "You act as though you haven't seen trees bow to an unborn child before?"

04-18-2008, 06:08 AM	#3
healthseeker Offline Silver Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 436	I am proud of you. Hello mintblossom, I read your post and decided to read a couple of your other posts before I responded. You have that "I have had a breakthrough" sound...and yup, I was right...you are building strength! Esp. your other post about wanting to win. Good for you!!! If you read any of mine....you will know that we have something in common...unsupportive parents. I was never told the words you have cruelly lived with, my parents just pretended I did not exist...while the other kids did. I hate talking about that part, because I feel it makes me sound jealous. I am glad my siblings got what they did...I just could have used some too! Hence, another scapegoat at your side! There is not only a survivor in you...but I sense a warrior! I truly am proud of your efforts that scream "Why not? I know it's inside of me!"...I love it that you do not believe the crappy efforts of your parents telling you that you can't, won't, or whatever else makes them feel strong to say. To hell with that! I love that you seem to KNOW that you can get there...THAT is what will make the difference! I think you should find the thread about mom's a narcissist...it knocked me out!!!! Would love to know your thoughts...or perhaps this has come up in therapy. Keep doing what you're doing...only listen to your own instincts! You will make it, probably even farther than you have imagined!!!

04-18-2008, 09:29 AM	#4
k_1971 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Scotland Gender: Male Age: 37 Posts: 148	I know the feeling. I always felt that whatever I did, it was wrong. No matter what I did. I didn't feel happy growing up as I always seemed to be in wrong place at the wrong time amd would constantly be in trouble for stupid things. I lost count of the number of times I felt worthless. I still do from time to time. __________________ "Where does awareness end? if dogs can dream, If plants can feel, If stones can talk a word in a century; a sentence in an aeon, if gold could be desired to be coveted and if stars have ears, each living one of us uniquely is, and makes and unmakes demons" - Robin Williamson

04-18-2008, 04:15 AM	#1
mintblossom Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 914	Who else grew up with nagging, critical parents? Growing up, I was always criticized at home. Sometimes I jokingly say that I was nagged and criticized until I grew up. But it's not really a joke. Both my parents give me the feeling that nothing I do is ever enough. It's never good enough. I don't even have to be doing wrong either, I can be doing well and doing good and there is just something negative or really mean or really hurtful that they say or do. Silent treatment. Ignoring me. Telling me I am noisy or annoying or bothersome. Telling me I'm messy, disorganized, that I'm not normal, that no one else is like this. My dad has never believed in me. He constantly thinks I am going to fail or that I will fail - whatever I undertake I am going to fail because I am a failure - that is the implicit message. When I wanted to go back to school, he didn't believe I could do it. When I wanted to raise my gpa, he didn't believe it. He's never believed in me.......and if I had ever seen myself the way my parents saw me, I would have killed myself long ago. I used to think I was born to lose but I don't believe that anymore. I told my parents I want to get an mba one day and raise my gpa and they told me that only freshmen who started off well can do that. They got into a big blowup with me because I told them I wanted to take more classes to improve my gpa. I don't think they care whether I have goals or dreams or get into graduate school. They think it's just all talk. I have been doing very well in school, but that doesn't matter. Everytime after a fight, I want to hurt myself. I feel worthless. But this time I know I'm not wrong because I have been doing well and because I have been responsible. I have done things right and have been improving and they still criticize me and everything I do is still wrong or flawed. The therapist says I am the scapegoat of the family. I am sick and tired of it. If they want to live their lives unhappily and as miserable failures, why should I live that way and see myself that way? I don't want to. I'm sick of being told I can't do this or that. I don't remember much praise growing up - just a lot of yelling, screaming, ignoring, passive punishment, criticism, being told I'm wrong, discouragement, denial, and me always ending up crying after a fight - then I'm told I'm too emotional or oversensitive. I don't really think my parents are that normal anymore even though they imply that I'm the one that's not normal. Something about the way they are, and the way they live is very negative. I feel like a plant that's trying to grow in polluted dirt. My mom likes to tell me I'm stupid. I made this or that decision because I'm "stupid." My dad thinks I will fail - no matter what, whether it's growing a plant, or getting a job. Has anyone else grown up this way? Please share. Last edited by mintblossom; 04-18-2008 at 04:22 AM.

04-18-2008, 09:49 AM	#5
pinkelephant Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Lala land Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,616	Know the feeling sort of. My mom always want me/think i should be perfect. whenever i work on something really hard at school.. and get like 90%, instead of "omg congrats!" she goes... what happened to the other 10%? why did you mess up on 10 whole percents?!! T_T"