My relationship with Muslim man

[Zorra]

I have just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years. I would like to know, if I could save it and make it work.

When we met first time, everything was fine. We were so perfect for each other.

Unfortunately from beginning I knew, that if there was not a difference in our religion, everything would be fine, I just could not let religion to break us apart. It was not a good enough reason to split.

This man becomes everything for me as I for him. After 6 moths he asked me to marry him. I said no, it was too early for me, but in summer I took him back home to meet my parents and see my country.

His second big question was IF I WILL HAPPY TO BRING UP OUR CHILDREN IN ISLAM. I took some time to think about this. It was a big decision to be done. At the end I said YES, and that was when thinks started go wrong. I started to think about how it will work. It was painful not to take my children with me to church, to support them in a religion which I do not believe. I though that I will live a double life and will not last long. I started to talk to Farid about my filings. I asked him to compromise. That we will bring your children in both religions, so when they will grow up they will choose. He said NO.

- He said No when I asked him to take me back home to see his country, parents. It was against his tradition.
- He said No, when I asked him to move with me. It was again against his believes, but I understand this one. He was protecting me.
- He asked me not to take our daughter if we will have one to a public swimming pool, just for women only...
- He has not asked me to wear Hejab, he was perfectly fine about my appearance till I will wear a modest cloths.

One day I asked him to introduce me Islam. The things which I knew about it were not nice. I needed to understand what it is about. I read Quaran and had some meeting with Imams. And I got scared again. They believes was not bad, but they were not mine. I could not get it into my head. They rule were quite strict and different.

Examples: - woman does not have to go to mosque to prey and if they do, they are separated from men. You prey five times a day and you must be perfectly clean

- They do not believe in holy trinity
- They do not believe, that Jesus is a sun of god, how could he?
- That all ours holly places are work of Satan
- That christen religion was mislead and the bible is not true any more
- That Islam is a true religion to follow, that only people who follow it will enter paradise
- and many more..

I started to talk to Farid again. I was not happy about this any more. He was cool. He was allowed to marry me, because I was girl from religion which follows book - bible and I promised to raise our kids in Islam. I asked him if those 2 things were not meet if he would still be with me. He said probably not, but I said yes in a first place. And that he loves me beyond everything, that he would give his life for mine that he would send our kids away if they go against me.

I was doing everything to save our relationship, but I started to think in double way. When I listened my heart it said Yes, but my brain " run girl run" I turned for help to my family and friends 99 % said NO, it want work.

When Farid and I tolk about this he said to me do not worry, follow your hart, do not think. Just follow me blindly, trust me and everything will be fine.

I started loosing my weight; got grey hair ... I become different person. In the morning I wanted to marry him and in a couple hours I changed my mind for No. I changed my mind too many times and at the and I CALL OFF our wedding just 24 hour before. It was suppose to be nikka in mosque.

Now I fill really guilty for shame which I have put on his shoulders and his family. I can't believe, that at the and I let religion to break our happiness, our true love.

I want to help him to understand why I have done what I have done. From mine side I just felt that I am giving up everything and he nothing. I always though that LOVE CAN DEFEAT ANYTHING, BUT YOU HAVE TO HELP IT GROW AND THAT IS A 2 PEOPLE JOB, 2 PEOPLE GIVING AND SACRIFICING.

I miss him so much and I am worried that I will never find so loving man any more. I know that he will go back to Pakistan and he will marry who ever his family will choose for him.

I booked a counselor to help me to understand why.

[agent]

Religion is a massive thing, and most of the time, love just isn't enough.

For Farid, religion wasn't just his religion, it was his culture. And the pressure from that can be massive. They weren't something to be defeated.

He obviously loved you enough to be with, but when the chips where down, his beliefs and his culture where stronger.

I have to be very honest in that I think this is for the best and that you would not have been happy. He would not have compromised in anything.

[greensleeves]

Hi Zorra...I'm sorry you're going through this...it must be very hard for you. I think you did the right thing and you shouldn't feel ashamed or guilty for following what you know is the right path for you. You had too many doubts and that is no way to start a marriage.

It's far better to make the decision now rather than after the marriage and starting a family. I don't know you or him, but if 99% of your friends or family were telling you it wasn't right for you, I'm sure they were right...they were in a better position to look at it objectively than you were at the time.

Two people can make their different beliefs work, but it does require flexibility from both of them. I don't know alot about Islam...I'm sure that alot of what I read in the news may be slanted towards the negative, but it does seem that many of their views about women are very stringent and I think that for someone not brought up in the religion it would be very difficult to adapt to. For me, it would be impossible to agree to raise a daughter with the belief that women are not equal to men in every sense. This is not meant to offend anyone that has these beliefs, it's just difficult for others to understand it.

You put a lot of thought into your decision and you educated yourself on different aspects of the religion, including reading the Quaran and meeting with Imans. You didn't take you're decision lightly, so you made an informed choice. You should never feel bad about doing what's right for you...you only have one life and you absolutely have to do what is going to make you happy.

And don't worry, you will find love again. You showed great strength in making this decision and in cancelling the wedding...and people will be drawn to that quality.

[Coffee80]

Zorra I perfectly understand what you feel.My first ever relation that was leading to marriage finished because of religion.Intially to me love seemed to conquer everything and my guy too was ready with compromising when it comes religion.Later he became non compromising.

I believe what you did is in the best interest of both of you because if he wasnt going to compromise now,it wouldnt happen after marriage either.Eventually it would have led you to an identity crisis....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it is really easy in the first flush of love to think love will conquer all, but differences in religions such as christianity vs. islam are so huge when it comes to day to day life, especially after the children come. it is really more than just religious differences, it is cultural differences and gender role differences that would effect everything you do if you left your own life and country to get absorbed totally into his world. there is no compromise there, and he has made the clear to you, that you will do things his way or not at all.

once your honeymoon phase is over, you would most likely feel stifled, alone, isolated, and misunderstood. after a while he would become totally unsympathetic to your pain and discomfort and expect you to just shut up and get over it. No one in his family would have sympathy for your adjustment pains either, because this is just their normal life which they are perfectly content with, and don't experience your sense of loss and alienation in a different culture.

so you are having a little pain now at the breakup, but you really would have a lifetime of pain giving up who you are and what is important to you. Deep down inside you knew that you were expected to make all the sacrifices and him none, that you were expected to give up everything for him, and him nothing. That just isn't fair to you, and if he has made it clear that his religion IS more important to him than you are, or he would agree to compromise in some way with you.

So it is not a case of YOU making religion more important than him. HE made it more important than your life and happiness by making you give up your own for his. Please don't miss that point, that it was and would never be an equal partnership if he decides your religion, what your children will believe, where you live, how you live etc. It wasn't just about religion, but about who would control your life and choices, and him dictating that. Once the honeymoon was over, reality would set in and you would be far, far worse off than you are now.

[helali k]

Hello, i was reading you story, and i really felt for you, i hope all is well now, for you. I was looking for a story like that to keep my mind open, i know that if i tell everyone what my story is they will try to change my mind, but, i feel like i am doing the right thing because it's what i want to do, i made goal, and i am gonna follow thru with it, because, i really want to do something with my life, even if as major as this. I think that there several degree's to being muslim, or several levels sorry, because i have heard many things about muslim people and about islam. I am beginning to think it's all on how you were raised. I have a friend in texas who told me her boyfriend was a muslim, but, then again, how can he be a muslim and break theeee biggest muslim law, which is to have sex, b 4 marriage... and have 4 kids, but now they will be married. I also heard of muslim men being very controling and aggressive, i was talking to a guy over the internet for 6 months and he tried to control my life, lol. And then, i heard, by this guy i am in love with, that, islam is very beautiful and peaceful, and he also said too if i follow him my life will improve and i will have love and peace in my life! We have web cam ed and talked everyday for 4 months, but we just started dating and fell in love for 2 months, now. I believe that he will bring happiness to me. I want to go and see for myself. I still wonder tho, how can i tell if his feelings are true, and genuine? How can i trust him that he is telling me the truth, always? I have over a month to find out, or change my mind. He says his family is very excited to see me, and have me come to meet him and them, and i am a single mom, so, this is different from her story right? well, i really feel it all depends on the family in which you are raised in, that makes the man...i feel lucky!