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Why wouldn't my ex tell me about her new boyfriend?


Mustang

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It's pretty clear to me that my ex is with somebody now... the guy that she was holding hands with in the photo at the time of her "confusion" about us. At the time, my ex used my reaction to this photo as a reason for breaking up with me. She said it was the "final straw".

 

I accused her of lying. I told her I wasn't stupid. You don't hold hands and get cosey in a corner with a friend. She got very angry and said "nothing's going on and you know it! I've done nothing wrong. If you're going to keep accusing me then don't bother speaking to me."

 

OK, I did over react but I was right it seems because a few months later she went and stayed with him for new year. As you all know by now.

 

The only thing that I can't get my head round is why to this day she's still not told me that she's with him.

 

I asked her at new year and she didn't respond to my text. She replied the next day but chose to ignore that question in particular. She called me when she got back from Glasgow and told me that she'd been in Glasgow but didn't mention anything to do with this guy. We spoke for two hours and it was really nice. Maybe she was going to tell me then but bottled it.

 

Then a few months later in LC, I asked her again and she ignored it and changed the subject. She used to always do this whenever I asked if she wanted to meet up or speak about us. She'd always make an excuse like "I'm sorry I'm so bad at texting back!".

 

The only time I got any sort of closure from her was in her email to me last weekend which looks like it was only written to ease her guilt. In my email to her, I told her that I'm sure the last thing she wants is me hanging around when she has a boyfriend. Again, she didn't mention this in her email back to me.

 

She said things like "it may seem like I've moved on" which kind of hints that she hasn't but then she said "I'm sure you're making up for lost time and I'm cool with that" which suggests that she doesn't care what the hell I'm up to because she's happy with her new boyfriend.

 

But surely if she was happy with somebody else now she'd tell me? It's pretty obvious so why is she trying to hide it still? Is she worried that it'll show her to be a liar and it'll make her look horrible? Is she just keeping it to herself because it'll hurt me more? Or does she maybe want to keep the option open knowing that I am still single?

 

When I split with my previous ex, she told me everything. She wasn't vague. She explained that she could no longer be with me and that she was with somebody else. A childhood friend and she was happy. Yes, it hurt, but I really appreciated her honesty looking back and we are now very close friends. Probably closer than when we were together in a weird way.

 

It's just horrible to sit here in NC and think of her every day when she's probably laughing about me and having the time of her life with her new boyfriend. I just feel so cheated because in her email to me, she made it seem like it was just circumstances that split us up. I just don't know what to believe anymore. I never thought she'd be the person to just dump me for a better offer but it kind of looks that way.

 

I know that it's none of my business and I shouldn't be beating myself up over something I can't control but I really do want her back. The reasons she gave for us breaking up in my opinion and repairable and I've been hanging on to that thought. But if the reasons she gave were all lies then I just feel sick that I've put myself through all of this * * * * for the past five months while all the time she's with her new guy.

 

I just don't know what to think anymore. I just don't understand how after nearly two years somebody can just decide "oh, I like this guy more, I'll dump my ex" and not only do it, but do it so coldly like the person doesn't matter. I doubt NC is going to do anything. It's been almost two weeks and I don't feel any better. If anything, I feel worse in a way because I've made a big stand that is probably being discussed and laughed at by her and her friends.

 

I just read her email and I just can't decide whether it's bull * * * * or genuine. I just wish I knew the truth. I was in limbo before I decide to go NC and I was sick of it and I am still in limbo now. Why did she have to reply to my email? What did she think it would achieve? It probably made her feel like a better person for sending it. But the truth is, had she not sent me a response I would've felt better because I feel like she's had the last word rather than me.

 

I have no reason to contact her and I won't but I thought that I'd have made SOME progress by now. I'd be willing to bet that she's a lot better off without me hanging around. I'm sure her new guy is very happy about that too.

 

Erased. Replaced.

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Your choice is simple. For how long will you choose to be miserable. This has ZERO to do with her now and everything to do with you. It's a choice. You can choose to remain "in it", or completely take yourself out of it. Even thinking about her is like crack for you. You have the willpower to put the pipe down if that's really what you want.

 

All the words that you do or do not exchange with her are meaningless. They literally mean less then nothing. Action means something. Action tells you that you were dumped and replaced, and you should always have that in the front of your mind. YOU WERE DUMPED AND REPLACED. Can't say that any clearer. If you're looking for her to write you some email, or make some phonecall where she just acts like the biggest jerk on the planet and tells you to go take a flying leap, you're unlikely to get it. That's not how these things end. The ex will keep being "kind of sweet" to you because it's an ego boost for her to know that she's so special that her ex is still holding a torch for her even though he knows that she's seeing a new person.

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Yeah, that makes sense Enchiladaman. I just don't understand what the hell I did to deserve to be treated like absolute * * * * . She was the most loyal and genuine girlfriend.

 

OK, I could probably accept that she met somebody new that interested her. She's at uni. I'm at uni. I know how it can be. But after being with me for so long, surely I was worth more than just being ignored and lied to.

 

What really annoys me is that whilst she's out having this great new life with this new guy, I am in a position where I won't be able to trust anybody for a very long time. No matter who I am with, I will always have the thought of "Well, they'll only bolt when somebody else comes along." I am going to be insecure for a very long time.

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yeah, i felt that way for a long time due to no reliable adult male figures in my life. All my mom's bfs always split when the going gets tough. You have to keep yourself open though.

 

When I went LD with my bf, everyone around us assumed it would fail. Out of the 20 or so LDR's that I know of, only one other couple is in tact.

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Do you think I want to think of her all the time after how she's treated me? Hell no. I want to hate her. I want to be angry with her. I want her to know how I feel. I want to move on. I don't deserve to be treated like this way. Nobody does. I thought I meant something to her but I obviously didn't mean that much to her. I just feel like everything she ever said to me was a lie. That's a bit crazy I know but she's telling me she loves me when she's getting with this guy and then dumping me because I react to it.

 

I am just so annoyed with myself for being so nice. Even in my closure email to her I was nice! can't wait for the day that I get to tell her to * * * * off. I really can't. But right now, I still want her back. It's crazy but I do. A thin line between love and hate as the saying goes.

 

What really annoys me is that she's moved on, she's happy, blah blah blah and I'm utterly miserable. I look like the pathetic and clingy ex and she looks like the strong happy girl. None of her friends speak to me anymore. It's almost like they are all on her side. I just feel so worthless and as I mentioned before, I will do for a very long time.

 

What makes me even more angry is the fact that she's lying to protect herself. No matter how hurt that makes me. I am going to be seriously * * * * ed up by this for a while. How can I trust anybody ever again?

 

She needs to learn that she can't go through live treating people the way she has. But karma is a funny thing.

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Yeah, that makes sense Enchiladaman. I just don't understand what the hell I did to deserve to be treated like absolute * * * * . She was the most loyal and genuine girlfriend.

 

 

 

So loyal and genuine that she dumped and replaced you?

 

You might not have done one darn thing to deserve the treatment you got, but from the sounds of it she will do and say whatever she can to make sure that she doesn't feel a single ounce of guilt.

 

And now be THANKFUL. Now this other guy has to worry if she will ditch out on him when the next best thing comes around or when he has his guard down in the relationship. These same women do this in a marriage when things are getting a little stale.

 

You just dodged a bullet. Stop worrying about her.

 

And do yourself a HUGE favor. Dont contact her anymore. Completely close her off. No emails, no phone calls, no nothing. Anything at this point will be wasting your time and will do nothing but make you feel worse. Completely fall of the face of the planet and close any aspect of her out of your mind and eventually you'll realize that she did you a favor.

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So loyal and genuine that she dumped and replaced you?

 

You might not have done one darn thing to deserve the treatment you got, but from the sounds of it she will do and say whatever she can to make sure that she doesn't feel a single ounce of guilt.

 

And now be THANKFUL. Now this other guy has to worry if she will ditch out on her when the next best thing comes around or when he has his guard down in the relationship. These same women do this in a marriage when things are getting a little stale.

 

You just dodged a bullet. Stop worrying about her.

 

That is why I am so messed up over it mate. I thought she was loyal and genuine but obviously not. It just makes me feel like she said lots of other things that she didn't mean. I just feel like I was there because it suited her and nothing more.

 

You're right. I know that it's all her problem and it could be nothing to do with me and I am better off without her but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just feel like a complete fool for believing everything she ever said to me.

 

I have cut all contact with her. I am annoyed that I did it in such a nice way though. I told her that I still cared for her and being friends was too hard. I told her what a great person she was and all that nonsense. Nice little ego boost for her.

 

I think that's the worse thing to deal with now, the fact that I didn't put her in her place. It's the feeling that she's got away with everything and thinks she can do no wrong that really hurts.

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That is why I am so messed up over it mate. I thought she was loyal and genuine but obviously not. It just makes me feel like she said lots of other things that she didn't mean. I just feel like I was there because it suited her and nothing more.

 

You're right. I know that it's all her problem and it could be nothing to do with me and I am better off without her but it doesn't make me feel any better. I just feel like a complete fool for believing everything she ever said to me.

 

 

Well take a deep breath and relax. This is one woman. Chalk this up to experience. And I can guarantee you that the only thing that will help you is time. The only difference between people is what they do to keep their mind off of their ex while their mind and body heals.

 

So exercise, hang out with friends, work extra, do ANYTHING you can to keep her off your mind. And like I said do not contact or check up on her in any way shape or form. After enough time has passed, you'll start feeling better and then after a lot more time you'll be healed and feel great.

 

Good luck, m8 =D

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She has moved on. What she does or who she sees is no longer any of your business. It would be nice if she told you, but there is no law that makes her do that. She too, must believe it is none of your business because she refuses to address this issue constantly. Move on. She will never open up and that is sad, but it happens a lot. Please, there are trustworthy people out there. What you need to do is leave this one alone in her dishonesty and find you a nice girl.

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She has moved on. What she does or who she sees is no longer any of your business. It would be nice if she told you, but there is no law that makes her do that. She too, must believe it is none of your business because she refuses to address this issue constantly. Move on. She will never open up and that is sad, but it happens a lot. Please, there are trustworthy people out there. What you need to do is leave this one alone in her dishonesty and find you a nice girl.

Unfortunately, this is all absolutely true.

 

You say she lied to you, but she didn't really.

She just omitted information, but that's not lying.

 

The reason she did this is just another thing that doesn't matter. You seem to be constantly wanting answers, even now, months on. Why did she do/say this? How did she really feel about me at x time? Who is she with? Is she sleeping around? etc. All of these questions are irrelevant, and mulling over them is exactly what is holding you back from moving on.

 

All that matters is that your relationship is over, and as others have said, it's probably for the best. She's no good for you, or anyone else for that matter. You say you still want her back, but if she changed her mind and you took her back I'd be very disappointed because it'd only be a matter of time before she pulled this stunt again - and I think you probably know that.

 

I know it's easier said than done, but you have to stop being so negative. Your focus is all in the wrong place. You constantly talk of how badly she has wronged you and how low this has made you feel, but that's not how you should be thinking. In a way, you are still placing her on a pedestal because you almost seem to be implying that what she says/thinks is true and actually matters. Just because she screwed you over for someone else doesn't mean you're a rubbish person, and it certainly doesn't mean you deserve to feel as bad as you do. Don't let her treatment of you or her friends' treatment of you make you feel bad, because that is weak. She's only one person, and apparently not a very valuable or trustworthy one at that. Why are you letting her turn your world upside down?

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Just because she screwed you over for someone else doesn't mean you're a rubbish person, and it certainly doesn't mean you deserve to feel as bad as you do. Don't let her treatment of you or her friends' treatment of you make you feel bad, because that is weak. She's only one person, and apparently not a very valuable or trustworthy one at that. Why are you letting her turn your world upside down?

 

I appreciate what you're saying and I know I shouldn't let it bother me but it does. I know I should be angry as opposed to hurt. I know I should stand up for myself a bit more.

 

Trust me, I know my ex has been unfair. I know the person I want doesn't exist anymore. I hate my ex for doing this to me I really do.

 

It's not just about not being with my ex anymore. It's the stage I'm at now. I'm unhappy. I don't want to be anymore. I'm sick of it. I hate not being able to sleep unless I'm drunk. I hate the fact that I am fretting over this every single day and my ex doesn't give a * * * * . I know I look pathetic.

 

I don't want to care about my ex. I know I have exciting things going for me but it is just so hard to focus on things when I have all this * * * * going round my head. I really can't see myself recovering from this for a very long time. Even if/when I get with someone else in the future, I will never be able to trust them. I trusted my ex and believed she truly cared about me. I was wrong and feel like a complete idiot because of it. Turns out I was just a convenience. I just keep thinking to myself I must've done something wrong. It's like I have this inner desire to know exactly what it was. I think that comes from being insecure as well. Without answers, I tend to think and assume and as you know, it doesn't do me any favours.

 

I can't help but feel * * * * about everything. I know it is not doing me any favours. I think in a way I probably feel bad because I feel bad and I know I shouldn't if that makes sense.

 

But I really don't know what else I can do. I'm trying to move on.

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But I really don't know what else I can do. I'm trying to move on.

 

All you can do is never talk to her again, go through the pain, go through the sadness, then one day you'll realize things weren't as bad as they were the week before. Then you'll realize that it still sucks, but not as bad. Time goes on, you'll feel better, maybe relapse a little, but time passes and you'll get better and better.

 

Just don't contact her anymore, and as more time passes you'll start to realize little by little that she's not worth the pain and aggravation.

 

She's already not the person you once thought she was...and that is the real loss you're feeling. I've been there. It's ok to grieve over that loss, just realize that it is the memory of what she was that you miss, not her.

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just listen Jettison! if you dont, you will never move on.

 

She is doing that because she is feeling guilty and she is acting like "Nice Girl"..In fact, it is very selfish and very trouble character flaw.

 

Stay away from her...best thing will happen to you.

 

Cheers

 

Eric

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just listen Jettison! if you dont, you will never move on.

 

She is doing that because she is feeling guilty and she is acting like "Nice Girl"..In fact, it is very selfish and very trouble character flaw.

 

Stay away from her...best thing will happen to you.

 

Cheers

 

Eric

 

 

I agree with this and with Jettison. She may not have lied but there are indeed sins of omission. Sins of omission can also amount to dishonesty because. Many people have this skewed logic in which they think that if they just omit certain facts then they are off the hook because they are not lying...yet deep down they know it is bad behaviour. Your ex is a snake and untrustworthy and she is not worth this much thought and aggravation. She has not been up front with you because she is a jerk...plain and simple...time to take her off that pedastal. She is not so special...her true colours have really come to light....she is not who you thought she was.

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She is not so special...her true colours have really come to light....she is not who you thought she was.

 

I agree. But I suppose I just feel stupid for falling for it. I really loved the person I thought she was. It's going to make it very difficult for me to trust people again because I honesty thought my ex was a kind and considerate person.

 

That's what bugs me more - the fact that even when I get over her and move on to somebody else, I will be constantly paranoid that this will happen again. I never thought in a million years that my ex would turn out this way, how the hell am I going to have confidence that the next girl won't do the same thing?

 

I know what people mean by saying that she's not lied to me but she did to a certain extent. She yelled and yelled at me when I accused her of getting with the guy she is with now. She used it as an excuse to break up with me. Now she's with him. She will no doubt say that she didn't get with him before she broke up with me. Which I don't believe. Even if it is true, she dumped me so she could get with him and that's just as bad.

 

I can see what she's been trying to do. She won't tell me the truth because it reveals her to be a liar. So she avoided it. She's been extra nice to me because she feels guilty.

 

If my ex had the decency to say "Hey. I know it's awkward but I'm seeing someone else now and I'm really happy." then I'd have been upset yes, but I would've apprecaited it and felt like she cared about me enough to be honest. I would've been fine by now. I probably would've been happy for her. But her sugar coating everything and still making out that her reason for dumping me was because of circumstances just makes me feel worthless and angry. As I've mentioned somewhere else, what bugs me is that she doesn't know that I know. Well, she probably does, but I haven't put her in her place. At this point in time, she thinks that I'm upset and hurt that we're not together anymore. She thinks I'm not speaking to her anymore because I am too heartbroken. Quite a nice little ego boost isn't it?

 

"Wow. I've really * * * * ed someone over and he's still being nice to me. I must be a * * * * ing amazing person!"

 

It's a bit like a hit and run. If you ran someone over whilst drunk and drove off, you'd feel awful about it but at the same time, you wouldn't dare mention it to anybody because it would get you into a lot more trouble. Instead, you ignore it and then people won't think badly of you no matter how bad you might feel yourself.

 

But trust me, I do feel like I have turned a corner. I should've been like this months ago. I was in denial for so long. I kept thinking "Well, if my ex hasn't told me she's with anybody and she still speaks to me, there's still a chance". Jesus, how sad was I?

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I am moving on. I have cut all contact. Deleted her off of MySpace, Facebook and deleted her number from my phone. I am not waiting for her to come back.

 

I do tend to vent a lot on here but only because it helps to get assurance from everybody.

 

It's hard to flip the switch and stop caring but I am trying. I wish I could mind you!

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not at all..I was in your shoes few mos ago. as soon as I realized that she is not worth it and she is playing games, I have moved on...

 

I am with a new girl now AND I do still my ex (what I remember of) but I dont want her back 101%....

 

Dont let yourself to be used! my advice..

 

and we are here to vent each other LOL

 

Eric

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sorry to say that but she will never apologize because she thinks she did the right thing.

 

Yeah. I know. She's been this heartless so far without a care in the world. Why would she change? I don't expect her to apologise. She's got her new guy. No need to bother with me anymore. Out with the old, in with the new and all that.

 

I have no idea how people can just jump to someone else and make out that they've done nothing wrong. I couldn't do it.

 

I guess it just shows that I didn't mean as much to her as she said I did.

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