Oh, what a tangled web we weave

beblebrox · 04-14-2008, 01:38 PM

This is going to be long. I apologize in advance.

Let me say first that anything I say here is not meant to be a justification or excuse for either of our actions, merely a means of giving all the background info, except for one extenuating circumstance, which we both question, but I’ll get into that. I’m not even sure I am looking for advice, as much as I need to just express my feelings in print. I think it may help me thing things through, as this is ridiculously complex.

I have been going through this site for about 3 weeks now hoping to gain some insight into my situation. My wife told me 4 weeks ago to the day that she had a one night (actually afternoon) stand with my best friend. Due to her profession she works shifts, possibly on all 7 days of the week. I am a straight 9 to 5-er. He, until recently, worked 3-11.

Now for the backstory. My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 12. I love my wife more than life itself, I know she loves me. We struggled for many years financially but were finally able to purchase our first home 4 years ago, and have managed to become secure since then. Since we moved we became more and more complacent with each other. Of course we attributed it to working long hours, and just being tired at the end of the day. In the last two years she has begun to tell me she is dissatisfied in our marriage, and frankly, I have felt the same way. Anytime we have attempted to discuss what is bothering us it always degenerated into her getting angrier and angrier using the same two phrases over and over again: “You never…” and “I am sick and tired of…”. This one sided complaint session never seemed to me to be a discussion, as much as a verbal abuse session, and I began to become more and more disconnected.

Our sex life began to suffer as well. During my wife’s time in nursing school, she put on a substantial amount of weight, which she blamed me for. “You refuse to help me”. Though other than offering support and encouragement, and researching healthy meals, I don’t know what I should do. When we did have sex, which became more and more infrequent, the entire time she would just complain about how fat she was, as we were “at it”, so to speak. For me this was pretty much of a turn off, and I really lost all desire in her.

Now, we have a couple who have been our closest friends for pretty much forever. I have known him since 3rd grade, and her for about 15 years. She was my wife’s best friend, and vice versa. In other words, all 4 of us were about as close as friends can get. They have always had keys to our home, since our house was sort of the social center for everyone we know. His wife would come out on Wednesday evenings to have a few. None of us ever thought much of it. On the weekends we usually all hung out together.

A few months after the issues between my wife and I started, his wife was over a few times and I spoke to her about some of our problems hoping to get a little advice into how I could best deal with the situation. One night when my wife was working one of her notorious 16 hour night work shifts, drinks and conversation got way too out of hand and I ended up sleeping with her. I have felt horrible since then. My friends wife and I discussed what had happened, both expressed deep regret, apologized to each other, and managed to roll everything back to just friendship ever since. Between our dissatisfaction with both of our marriages, too much drink, and general stupidity we both made a horrible mistake. This was over a year ago.

Since then our marriage continued to deteriorate. I became more and more detached; she became more and more bitter and depressed. In the evenings we were lucky we spoke 3 sentences to each other. Any time either of us tried to “discuss” the situation it quickly degenerated into an argument.

Fast forward to 4 days before she told me what she had done. Our furnace quit. The repairman tells us that it is beyond repair and has been pumping carbon monoxide into the house for probably at least two years, at a sub toxic level but one which would give us extreme fatigue, general nausea, and mental sluggishness. My mind starts thinking “Hmmm, maybe this has been half of our problem for all this time”. Then, the following Monday I get a call from my wife at work 2 hours before I am to leave; 3 hours before she leaves for night shift, telling me to come home immediately, she needs to talk to me. In the 10 minutes it takes to wrap up some stuff I’m working on, I get another call from his wife telling me it’s in my best interest to not mention what happened a year ago. At this point I am really wondering what is going on. She finally tells me my wife is about to tell me she slept with her husband, and the she is leaving him. I am utterly broadsided.

I get home and she confesses tearfully that two weeks before she slept with my best friend. She claims only once. She apologizes and tells me it is her fault, she doesn’t understand why she did what she did and can I forgive her or do I want her to leave. I tell her I do forgive her, but we have a lot of talking to do. We both decide then and there we will both do whatever is necessary to repair our marriage. She then informs me that his wife will be coming over because she doesn’t “want me to be alone right now”. My wife leaves for work. She comes over, and we just sit and talk. She fills me in on how she found out what had happened. It seems on the Friday before, they were out at my house. She went to our spare bedroom about 1AM. At 5:30 he had had way too much to drink and stumbled back himself. He climbed into bed began poking his wife to talk to her, calling her by my wife’s name. On Sunday he finally confessed to her, after she tricked him into coming clean by telling him my wife had already told her everything (she hadn’t).

The aftermath. My wife and I are finally communicating. We have agreed to hear each other out when something is bothering us. We are enjoying each others company. The sex is pretty good. We have had more in the last 3 weeks or so than in the previous 2 years, and we have both enjoyed it. We have a new furnace and we both have more energy in the evenings than in years. We are trying to compromise with each other. To help her I am “ordering” her to the treadmill every day, she needs pushed a bit, and she agrees. We still have a long way to go, but we are on the right track.

His wife still communicates with me, my wife knows. She has been through more personal crisis that any person deserves since Christmas. The death of a nephew she was close with on Christmas eve. A breast cancer scare. The hospitalization of her father now for 2 weeks. Separating from her husband.

He, as usual, shows no concern whether his wife leaves or stays and says whatever she wants to do is her concern. He still wants to come out to our house. I am somewhat uncomfortable with this. So far he has only come out when only I am there. I’m just not sure how I feel. I am willing to let the past be the past, as long as it stays the past.

Overall, I am probably the most wrong in this situation. I have not told my wife about our evening a year ago. I’m not sure she could be as forgiving as I was, and I learned my lesson long ago. At this point we are both focused on moving forward, not continually dredging up the past. I just can’t help get over the feeling there was a lot more going on then either of them are coming clean to.

Excalibur · 04-14-2008, 01:39 PM

What about it don't you get - she's insecure and loves "chaos".

THAT is why you were so financially on the rocks for so long. If you doubt it - get divorced and find out how short in a time it takes for "just you" to get financially secure and on a schedule with a routine.

enchiladaman · 04-14-2008, 01:46 PM

Any thoughts on getting some counseling for the two of you?

metrogirl · 04-14-2008, 01:48 PM

So are you not worried that your dirty little secret will somehow come out???

beblebrox · 04-14-2008, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Excalibur

What about it don't you get - she's insecure and loves "chaos".

THAT is why you were so financially on the rocks for so long. If you doubt it - get divorced and find out how short in a time it takes for "just you" to get financially secure and on a schedule with a routine.

actually we were insecure for so long because:

1 i was in an industry that pretty much died for several years (IT) and had to take some pretty low paying jobs to keep doing what i loved to do.

and

2: she and I both were dumb when we both 1st met and left school, and it took her several years to go back, at the loss of most of our income for her to do so. i have got lucky in that i was able to build a career the hard way, w/o my degree, i have had to work twice as hard to prove myself every step o the way.

look, there's no denying we both made some bad decisions early on, (and later on obviously)

. we are secure now, that is not an issue, and whatever we have we both more than have earned.

beblebrox · 04-14-2008, 02:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by enchiladaman

Any thoughts on getting some counseling for the two of you?

personally I'm all for it. she, on the other hand, thinks anything in the psychological field is at best a waste of time, and at worst, is outright quackery. it's a shame really. while i have no doubt that either way we will get through this, it think it would make it much easier.

beblebrox · 04-14-2008, 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by metrogirl

So are you not worried that your dirty little secret will somehow come out???

i'd be a fool to not be concerned. and as a part of this, i will have to have my moment of truth as well. as i said at the moment we have both decided that we really don't want to dwell on the past, as that is at least partially how we got to where we are now, with years of resentment and continually draging up what each other did in years past.

Seriously, for the both of us, it's not the sleeping with others that is the issue. it's what for both of us, led to it.

enchiladaman · 04-14-2008, 02:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beblebrox

personally I'm all for it. she, on the other hand, thinks anything in the psychological field is at best a waste of time, and at worst, is outright quackery. it's a shame really. while i have no doubt that either way we will get through this, it think it would make it much easier.

Well in my opinion you two seem like you have your share of problems, yet there still seems to be a love there or you would have both exited the relationship a long time ago.

So from this standpoint, what is there to lose? I think counseling isn't necessarily the end all be all to saving a marriage, but it could give you guys some nice framework for bringing your issues and arguments to the forefront and helps you to work on your communication better.

It also redirects the problems in your relationships from problems that come between the two of you, to a problem that both of you are going to tackle together.

Just a thought.

metrogirl · 04-14-2008, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beblebrox

i'd be a fool to not be concerned. and as a part of this, i will have to have my moment of truth as well. as i said at the moment we have both decided that we really don't want to dwell on the past, as that is at least partially how we got to where we are now, with years of resentment and continually draging up what each other did in years past.

Seriously, for the both of us, it's not the sleeping with others that is the issue. it's what for both of us, led to it.

Yeah but that isn't really a fair statement because she doesn't know about your past....See what I mean? She can't dwell on something that she knows nothing about.

I'm thinking she is trying to move forward because she feels bad about betraying you....I wonder how she would feel if she knew that you were equally guilty.

She may not be as receptive.

TechResQ · 04-14-2008, 02:36 PM

Wow, that is quite a story beblebrox. I am glad to hear you are both working on your relationship.

I do, however, firmly believe you should be upfront and honest about your "mistake". She came clean with you. She did it without you having to "bust" her. If she finds out you slept with someone else from anyone other than you, she will probably be much less apt to forgive you and move on.

I wish you the best.

God Bless

04-14-2008, 01:38 PM	#1
beblebrox Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 12	Oh, what a tangled web we weave This is going to be long. I apologize in advance. Let me say first that anything I say here is not meant to be a justification or excuse for either of our actions, merely a means of giving all the background info, except for one extenuating circumstance, which we both question, but I’ll get into that. I’m not even sure I am looking for advice, as much as I need to just express my feelings in print. I think it may help me thing things through, as this is ridiculously complex. I have been going through this site for about 3 weeks now hoping to gain some insight into my situation. My wife told me 4 weeks ago to the day that she had a one night (actually afternoon) stand with my best friend. Due to her profession she works shifts, possibly on all 7 days of the week. I am a straight 9 to 5-er. He, until recently, worked 3-11. Now for the backstory. My wife and I have been together for 19 years, married for 12. I love my wife more than life itself, I know she loves me. We struggled for many years financially but were finally able to purchase our first home 4 years ago, and have managed to become secure since then. Since we moved we became more and more complacent with each other. Of course we attributed it to working long hours, and just being tired at the end of the day. In the last two years she has begun to tell me she is dissatisfied in our marriage, and frankly, I have felt the same way. Anytime we have attempted to discuss what is bothering us it always degenerated into her getting angrier and angrier using the same two phrases over and over again: “You never…” and “I am sick and tired of…”. This one sided complaint session never seemed to me to be a discussion, as much as a verbal abuse session, and I began to become more and more disconnected. Our sex life began to suffer as well. During my wife’s time in nursing school, she put on a substantial amount of weight, which she blamed me for. “You refuse to help me”. Though other than offering support and encouragement, and researching healthy meals, I don’t know what I should do. When we did have sex, which became more and more infrequent, the entire time she would just complain about how fat she was, as we were “at it”, so to speak. For me this was pretty much of a turn off, and I really lost all desire in her. Now, we have a couple who have been our closest friends for pretty much forever. I have known him since 3rd grade, and her for about 15 years. She was my wife’s best friend, and vice versa. In other words, all 4 of us were about as close as friends can get. They have always had keys to our home, since our house was sort of the social center for everyone we know. His wife would come out on Wednesday evenings to have a few. None of us ever thought much of it. On the weekends we usually all hung out together. A few months after the issues between my wife and I started, his wife was over a few times and I spoke to her about some of our problems hoping to get a little advice into how I could best deal with the situation. One night when my wife was working one of her notorious 16 hour night work shifts, drinks and conversation got way too out of hand and I ended up sleeping with her. I have felt horrible since then. My friends wife and I discussed what had happened, both expressed deep regret, apologized to each other, and managed to roll everything back to just friendship ever since. Between our dissatisfaction with both of our marriages, too much drink, and general stupidity we both made a horrible mistake. This was over a year ago. Since then our marriage continued to deteriorate. I became more and more detached; she became more and more bitter and depressed. In the evenings we were lucky we spoke 3 sentences to each other. Any time either of us tried to “discuss” the situation it quickly degenerated into an argument. Fast forward to 4 days before she told me what she had done. Our furnace quit. The repairman tells us that it is beyond repair and has been pumping carbon monoxide into the house for probably at least two years, at a sub toxic level but one which would give us extreme fatigue, general nausea, and mental sluggishness. My mind starts thinking “Hmmm, maybe this has been half of our problem for all this time”. Then, the following Monday I get a call from my wife at work 2 hours before I am to leave; 3 hours before she leaves for night shift, telling me to come home immediately, she needs to talk to me. In the 10 minutes it takes to wrap up some stuff I’m working on, I get another call from his wife telling me it’s in my best interest to not mention what happened a year ago. At this point I am really wondering what is going on. She finally tells me my wife is about to tell me she slept with her husband, and the she is leaving him. I am utterly broadsided. I get home and she confesses tearfully that two weeks before she slept with my best friend. She claims only once. She apologizes and tells me it is her fault, she doesn’t understand why she did what she did and can I forgive her or do I want her to leave. I tell her I do forgive her, but we have a lot of talking to do. We both decide then and there we will both do whatever is necessary to repair our marriage. She then informs me that his wife will be coming over because she doesn’t “want me to be alone right now”. My wife leaves for work. She comes over, and we just sit and talk. She fills me in on how she found out what had happened. It seems on the Friday before, they were out at my house. She went to our spare bedroom about 1AM. At 5:30 he had had way too much to drink and stumbled back himself. He climbed into bed began poking his wife to talk to her, calling her by my wife’s name. On Sunday he finally confessed to her, after she tricked him into coming clean by telling him my wife had already told her everything (she hadn’t). The aftermath. My wife and I are finally communicating. We have agreed to hear each other out when something is bothering us. We are enjoying each others company. The sex is pretty good. We have had more in the last 3 weeks or so than in the previous 2 years, and we have both enjoyed it. We have a new furnace and we both have more energy in the evenings than in years. We are trying to compromise with each other. To help her I am “ordering” her to the treadmill every day, she needs pushed a bit, and she agrees. We still have a long way to go, but we are on the right track. His wife still communicates with me, my wife knows. She has been through more personal crisis that any person deserves since Christmas. The death of a nephew she was close with on Christmas eve. A breast cancer scare. The hospitalization of her father now for 2 weeks. Separating from her husband. He, as usual, shows no concern whether his wife leaves or stays and says whatever she wants to do is her concern. He still wants to come out to our house. I am somewhat uncomfortable with this. So far he has only come out when only I am there. I’m just not sure how I feel. I am willing to let the past be the past, as long as it stays the past. Overall, I am probably the most wrong in this situation. I have not told my wife about our evening a year ago. I’m not sure she could be as forgiving as I was, and I learned my lesson long ago. At this point we are both focused on moving forward, not continually dredging up the past. I just can’t help get over the feeling there was a lot more going on then either of them are coming clean to.

04-14-2008, 01:48 PM	#4
metrogirl Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: SGV Gender: Female Age: 39 Posts: 4,688	So are you not worried that your dirty little secret will somehow come out??? __________________ Whether one believes in a religion or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion. Dalai Lama Any hope I had for my Seahawks flew out the window when I heard Lofa Tatupu will be out for the rest of the season. (sighs) They call me Ghettro.......Well Scorpion Fury does anyway. LOL

04-14-2008, 01:39 PM	#2
Excalibur Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1,651	What about it don't you get - she's insecure and loves "chaos". THAT is why you were so financially on the rocks for so long. If you doubt it - get divorced and find out how short in a time it takes for "just you" to get financially secure and on a schedule with a routine.

04-14-2008, 01:46 PM	#3
enchiladaman Offline Silver Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 405	Any thoughts on getting some counseling for the two of you?

04-14-2008, 02:36 PM	#10
TechResQ Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Kansas City Gender: Female Posts: 1,039	Wow, that is quite a story beblebrox. I am glad to hear you are both working on your relationship. I do, however, firmly believe you should be upfront and honest about your "mistake". She came clean with you. She did it without you having to "bust" her. If she finds out you slept with someone else from anyone other than you, she will probably be much less apt to forgive you and move on. I wish you the best. God Bless