Separated still means married !

WoundedHeart · 04-14-2008, 08:29 AM

What part of separated still means married does people not comprehend? Get your affairs settled before you start dating again ,is all I have to say. It sucks when you are dating someone and start getting invested in the relationship, only to have them drop the " Oh I thought I told you I was separated .It said so on my profile ." bombshell . My reply was ' UMMM no it didn't ,because if it did, you would of gotten my standard email which always saids " Separated still means married ,sorry not interested .Have a nice day ."Besides I had my email set in a way that blocks those who is married /separated from contacting me . We even discussed this in detail because my first question to him, since he didn't have a picture on his profile was " Are you married ? I found most who doesn't post a picture it means they are married ." and he replied " Well I'm not " Well now the issue is that he is not only indeed married ,but he also lied about it ,which is also a big issue to me . It will throw anything in the future that he tells me into question ,and I refuse to live like that.
I know he isn't residing with his wife ,because I have been to his house for dinner .Since I am the nosy sort , I scoped out the situation ,looking for the usual signs of a wife and found none. I even went as far as doing a county search for his divorce and didn't find it, but then again I was told it was recent ,so it may not of had time to show up . From experience I know it takes anywhere from 1-2 yrs for a divorce to show up on the county clerk of court sites . I have been divorced for 4 yrs and mine still doesn't show up in searches but I am more then willing to show my papers .
It's a moral thing for me , I have a very definate set of morals and I live my life a certain way . A part of me wants to give him a second chance and go from here ,but another part of me ,believes if he could lie to me once, he would lie to me again . I did tell him last night " I have always been very up front with you and honest and I expect the same from those I am involved with . Don't lie to me again . " He said " I won't." Any suggestions?

Ash · 04-14-2008, 08:35 AM

I would have thought that the existence of a separation agreement signed by both parties would be sure indicator that the marriage only exists as a piece of paper not yet undone by a divorce. Having been through this myself, and seen many others who have I'd have to say the separation agreement is the big milestone. In response to the marriage question, I would have thought it was reasonable for somebody to say that they are separated with a signed agreement. As you elude to though, separated without an agreement is perhaps too close to married for some people to date.

Batya33 · 04-14-2008, 08:36 AM

I never agreed to meet someone through on line who lied about age, marital status, or educational status (or any other basic fact similar to that). I didn't date separated (still married!) men, but I also didn't date liars. I was careful about getting upset if someone lied to me because these people are strangers, saw my photo and I didn't really need to be making "enemies." Often I just didn't respond to the e-mail in which they 'confessed" or just said I didn't date men who were still married but I tried not to show anger.

To me separation is a transition from living together as married, but when it came to dating I did not want to date someone who was still legally married because I was looking for a serious relationship. I would date someone whose divorce was final for a year or so. I wouldn't criticize someone who decided to date while separated or date someone separated but if asked for my input I would generally advise against it. That's just me.

Godless_Heathen · 04-14-2008, 08:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WoundedHeart

Any suggestions?

Yeah. Stop being so rigid on this issue.

With some people, separated is married, and with others, it just means they're still going through the courts. When my then-wife moved out in '93 so she could move in with her new boyfriend, I no longer had a marriage. It took another year before the state of Colorado agreed.

BeStrongBeHappy · 04-14-2008, 08:39 AM

This is two separate things.

Some people just don't see themselves as married once they move out and are separated. They see it as a technicality and that they are available for dating. So depending on how he views it, he may have felt he was honest because he is separated, not married and living with a spouse. They just don't want to wait a full year or two to date til the paperwork comes thru.

But on the otherhand, something like a third of all online profiles are men who are lying about being single when they are not. They may borrow a buddy's apt. to date in, or just always go to the woman's house, or date the woman when they are in another town for business. These men aren't even separated, but are pretending to be to get sex on the side.

Some separated men do live separately, but are still dating the wife and 'working on it' while also dating other women. They are not honest with their spouse or the other people they date becuase they are trying to see more than one person at the same time.

So ideally, it is best to only date someone who is already legally divorced and not separated. But that is no guarantee the person isn't a liar or doesn't have other problems, but at least they are not married or still entangled with their former spouse.

I don't have trouble personally with people dating who are genuinely separated and intending to divorce, but you have to be a little bit cautious in case they might reconcile with their spouse or you get sucked into the trouble of a nasty divorce.

WoundedHeart · 04-14-2008, 08:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ash

I would have thought that the existence of a separation agreement signed by both parties would be sure indicator that the marriage only exists as a piece of paper not yet undone by a divorce. Having been through this myself, and seen many others who have I'd have to say the separation agreement is the big milestone. In response to the marriage question, I would have thought it was reasonable for somebody to say that they are separated with a signed agreement. As you elude to though, separated without an agreement is perhaps too close to married for some people to date.

There is no separation agreement although they have been living apart for more then 2 yrs now .

Godless_Heathen · 04-14-2008, 08:45 AM

2 years is kind of a long time to be separated wtihout finalizing it. I know I wanted it over with ASAP, rather than let it linger. I understand some people let non-marriages linger for 10+ years without finalizing the legal paperwork, but I think people who do that aren't interested in a real relationship again.

WoundedHeart · 04-14-2008, 08:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Batya33

I never agreed to meet someone through on line who lied about age, marital status, or educational status (or any other basic fact similar to that). I didn't date separated (still married!) men, but I also didn't date liars. I was careful about getting upset if someone lied to me because these people are strangers, saw my photo and I didn't really need to be making "enemies." Often I just didn't respond to the e-mail in which they 'confessed" or just said I didn't date men who were still married but I tried not to show anger.

To me separation is a transition from living together as married, but when it came to dating I did not want to date someone who was still legally married because I was looking for a serious relationship. I would date someone whose divorce was final for a year or so. I wouldn't criticize someone who decided to date while separated or date someone separated but if asked for my input I would generally advise against it. That's just me.

We have been dating for about a month now . We met in person within a few days of contact and this all just came out last night over the phone . I have been to his house twice ,and he happens to live with his mother because he is helping her out because of illness .He has been to my house as well and has even stayed a couple of nights with me so I know they are no longer residing together .
If he would of stated right off the bat he was separated , I would of never of went any further then sending my standard " Thanks but no thanks " email in response . This whole thing has me pissed off . Good thing I have a therapy appointment today .

Batya33 · 04-14-2008, 09:00 AM

In your situation the lie would be a major red flag for me because it is a basic fact, a legal status, it's something you fill in on an online profile. You can't be a "little married" or "a little separated" or "a little divorced" - you either are or you are not.

It sounds like he is a married man living apart from his wife, as far as you know, that is. If he felt comfortable lying about his marital status I would assume he'd feel comfortable lying about other important matters.

Good luck with your appointment today and I hope it brings you clarity.

WoundedHeart · 04-14-2008, 09:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Godless_Heathen

2 years is kind of a long time to be separated wtihout finalizing it. I know I wanted it over with ASAP, rather than let it linger. I understand some people let non-marriages linger for 10+ years without finalizing the legal paperwork, but I think people who do that aren't interested in a real relationship again.

He told me it is due to finances as to why they arent divorced yet. I informed him that when I got my dissolution , I typed up the paperwork ,filed it myself and paid a filling fee, because my ex husband and I was in agreement about everything . I only had to pay a 200.00 filing fee and once the dissolution was final ,I received back a check for 70.00 so my dissolution only cost 130.00. He said they are in agreement on everything except for who is going to be responsible for the foreclousure .
My biggest issue is with the fact he lied about it . He flat out told me he wasn't married but a month later I find out he is .

04-14-2008, 08:29 AM	#1
WoundedHeart Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: BFE Gender: Female Posts: 82	Separated still means married ! What part of separated still means married does people not comprehend? Get your affairs settled before you start dating again ,is all I have to say. It sucks when you are dating someone and start getting invested in the relationship, only to have them drop the " Oh I thought I told you I was separated .It said so on my profile ." bombshell . My reply was ' UMMM no it didn't ,because if it did, you would of gotten my standard email which always saids " Separated still means married ,sorry not interested .Have a nice day ."Besides I had my email set in a way that blocks those who is married /separated from contacting me . We even discussed this in detail because my first question to him, since he didn't have a picture on his profile was " Are you married ? I found most who doesn't post a picture it means they are married ." and he replied " Well I'm not " Well now the issue is that he is not only indeed married ,but he also lied about it ,which is also a big issue to me . It will throw anything in the future that he tells me into question ,and I refuse to live like that. I know he isn't residing with his wife ,because I have been to his house for dinner .Since I am the nosy sort , I scoped out the situation ,looking for the usual signs of a wife and found none. I even went as far as doing a county search for his divorce and didn't find it, but then again I was told it was recent ,so it may not of had time to show up . From experience I know it takes anywhere from 1-2 yrs for a divorce to show up on the county clerk of court sites . I have been divorced for 4 yrs and mine still doesn't show up in searches but I am more then willing to show my papers . It's a moral thing for me , I have a very definate set of morals and I live my life a certain way . A part of me wants to give him a second chance and go from here ,but another part of me ,believes if he could lie to me once, he would lie to me again . I did tell him last night " I have always been very up front with you and honest and I expect the same from those I am involved with . Don't lie to me again . " He said " I won't." Any suggestions?

04-14-2008, 08:35 AM	#2
Ash Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 1,868	I would have thought that the existence of a separation agreement signed by both parties would be sure indicator that the marriage only exists as a piece of paper not yet undone by a divorce. Having been through this myself, and seen many others who have I'd have to say the separation agreement is the big milestone. In response to the marriage question, I would have thought it was reasonable for somebody to say that they are separated with a signed agreement. As you elude to though, separated without an agreement is perhaps too close to married for some people to date. __________________ Wisdom can come with youth ... my friends here prove it everyday.

04-14-2008, 08:36 AM	#3
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,064	I never agreed to meet someone through on line who lied about age, marital status, or educational status (or any other basic fact similar to that). I didn't date separated (still married!) men, but I also didn't date liars. I was careful about getting upset if someone lied to me because these people are strangers, saw my photo and I didn't really need to be making "enemies." Often I just didn't respond to the e-mail in which they 'confessed" or just said I didn't date men who were still married but I tried not to show anger. To me separation is a transition from living together as married, but when it came to dating I did not want to date someone who was still legally married because I was looking for a serious relationship. I would date someone whose divorce was final for a year or so. I wouldn't criticize someone who decided to date while separated or date someone separated but if asked for my input I would generally advise against it. That's just me.

04-14-2008, 08:39 AM	#5
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	This is two separate things. Some people just don't see themselves as married once they move out and are separated. They see it as a technicality and that they are available for dating. So depending on how he views it, he may have felt he was honest because he is separated, not married and living with a spouse. They just don't want to wait a full year or two to date til the paperwork comes thru. But on the otherhand, something like a third of all online profiles are men who are lying about being single when they are not. They may borrow a buddy's apt. to date in, or just always go to the woman's house, or date the woman when they are in another town for business. These men aren't even separated, but are pretending to be to get sex on the side. Some separated men do live separately, but are still dating the wife and 'working on it' while also dating other women. They are not honest with their spouse or the other people they date becuase they are trying to see more than one person at the same time. So ideally, it is best to only date someone who is already legally divorced and not separated. But that is no guarantee the person isn't a liar or doesn't have other problems, but at least they are not married or still entangled with their former spouse. I don't have trouble personally with people dating who are genuinely separated and intending to divorce, but you have to be a little bit cautious in case they might reconcile with their spouse or you get sucked into the trouble of a nasty divorce.

04-14-2008, 08:45 AM	#7
Godless_Heathen Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2007 Location: Boston Gender: Male Age: 44 Posts: 255	2 years is kind of a long time to be separated wtihout finalizing it. I know I wanted it over with ASAP, rather than let it linger. I understand some people let non-marriages linger for 10+ years without finalizing the legal paperwork, but I think people who do that aren't interested in a real relationship again.

04-14-2008, 09:00 AM	#9
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,064	In your situation the lie would be a major red flag for me because it is a basic fact, a legal status, it's something you fill in on an online profile. You can't be a "little married" or "a little separated" or "a little divorced" - you either are or you are not. It sounds like he is a married man living apart from his wife, as far as you know, that is. If he felt comfortable lying about his marital status I would assume he'd feel comfortable lying about other important matters. Good luck with your appointment today and I hope it brings you clarity.