unsure

extremelyhurt · 04-11-2008, 11:09 AM

hey, this is my first time ever posting on a forum. A week ago, I thought I caught my husband looking at porn on the computer. I was so mad, but I ended up forgiving him and told him that we would move on. They were just pictures. Then, it dawned on me that he will be traveling to Germany in a few weeks and he has a credit card that I don't see the statements too. So I got online and looked at the History. I found websites to all kinds of escort services in Germany. One as close as the airport he was flying into.

I took my kids to his sisters house for the night. Told her everything that was going on as she is also my pastor. I came home and printed off everything off the computer of the websites that he had looked at. When he got home from work that night, I nailed him to the wall. I just couldn't believe that this was happening again.

See my husband and I have had a very rough marriage of 16 years. We both had our affairs. Then 5 years ago something amazing happened and we both had given our life over to God. A month ago his grandfather passed away and my step-grandmother passed away. We have been under a lot of stress, then he found out that he was going to Germany for work. Germany has always been a sore spot in our marriage as it is normally the time that he has been unfaithful to me. He has also gone on this shopping spree and got a German expresso maker and coffee grinder then he got a GPS system for over there.

I am so IN LOVE with my husband. I mean head over heals for this jerk. I even made love to him after our huge blow up. Maybe that is because he hadn't actually done the deed. But the thought of him going over there is killing me. And he has to go or it will affect his job. He has a great job. I feel like I am being super stupid, but I have 2 children ages 14 and 12. I don't want to lose my house and my animals. I also know there is no way I could ever afford this place without him. I also hate the thought of ever being without him.

I am so confused and hurt and frustrated. I have read other forums on here where they say that the wife wasn't putting out and stuff like that, that wasn't me. I am always putting out for my husband. Now I have gained weight and it has been hard for me to lose it. But I am not obese or anything. He even makes the comment on how I shouldn't lose anything in my butt.

So why would he do this??? I don't know what I am looking for on here, I just felt like I needed to talk. So thanks for listening.

hopelesslee · 04-11-2008, 11:23 AM

I definitely identify with most everything you're saying--I caught my boyfriend watching porn and was extremely upset as well, but watching porn isn't the end of the world, really. For men it's just a quick way to get release, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

On the other hand, the "escort service" thing is disturbing to me. I think you definitely need to have a serious conversation with him about this. If it were me, I would probably tell him that I didn't trust him to go to Germany at all (especially because something happened there before, and here he is planning for it to happen again). This isn't the time to sit back and say that you will let him go so that he won't have problems with his job. This is your marriage, and although his job is important, you should be more important than that. Have you guys talked to a marriage counselor/family counselor before? I think that you might want to look into that as well; especially if both of your have had affairs before. If you want to make your marriage work, you need to build back a foundation of trust, and not just have the "if he has an affair then I'll have one too and we're even" mentality.

Hope this helped. Good luck with everything, and we are always here to listen!

extremelyhurt · 04-11-2008, 11:29 AM

Thanks. He has agreed to go to counseling so we will see how that works out. The job thing though, if he loses his job we have nothing. Right now jobs are hard to come by and I am not working. The affairs we had were seperate never out of well because you had one I will have one. I guess I just wanted to know I wasn't alone and that there is someone to talk to because I have no one here to really talk to about this except his sister. That is kinda wierd. Thanks again for your advise and response.

Stambler · 04-11-2008, 11:33 AM

"See my husband and I have had a very rough marriage of 16 years. We both had our affairs. Then 5 years ago something amazing happened and we both had given our life over to God."

So, you are human, obviously, you think your newfound Christianity makes you above human, your husband continues his pre-Christian ways and you judge him for it?

This is just wrong on so many levels...

extremelyhurt · 04-11-2008, 11:41 AM

I am not judging him. I am hurt. No I don't think that finding God makes us any better or any worse than the other. But...I thought we were over all the bulls***. By the way are the hurter or the hurted?

CallingAllAngels · 04-11-2008, 11:45 AM

OMG...

I don't know where to begin...

First...get yourself tested for HIV and all the other STD's out there.

2nd, I don't care WHAT THE HELL your husband is telling you, he's done and is DOING "the deed". You don't go to an "escort service" for coffee.

Why do I know this? Because I have been THROUGH this, and just DIVORCED a man who did the same thing, MINUS the traveling to Germany thing.

He did it right here, under my nose, without me having a clue. Then came home and played happy husband, layed down next to me every night, made love to me, etc etc etc. No clues. None at all.

Not until I started paying closer attention to the credit card statements.

I'm telling you...DON'T BELIEVE WHAT HE TELLS YOU.

I left my husband in January of 2007. He swore on his own father's grave that "nothing happened", even in the face of the truth. Even lied to a marriage councelor. Took all I had to get him to admit to the truth, and when I finally did, well, what he did was MUCH worse than my wildest dreams. MUCH WORSE. And that wasn't until 6 months later.

Make it work with your kids. You deserve better.

~Allie

Stambler · 04-11-2008, 11:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by extremelyhurt

I am not judging him. I am hurt. No I don't think that finding God makes us any better or any worse than the other. But...I thought we were over all the bulls***. By the way are the hurter or the hurted?

I hope I didn't offend you, but I am a bit jaded. My stb ex wife was a "Christian". We went to church together, prayed together, she read the bible every morning.

She had a drinking problem and decided it wad due to ME. She concluded that she had "fallen out of love" with me, met someone else and cheated, before she ever told me she was unhappy. To this day she continues to deny the affair(s) and has been nothing but manipulative and difficult through the divorce SHE asked for.

AA seems to be her newfound God.

hueman84 · 04-11-2008, 12:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stambler

"See my husband and I have had a very rough marriage of 16 years. We both had our affairs. Then 5 years ago something amazing happened and we both had given our life over to God."

So, you are human, obviously, you think your newfound Christianity makes you above human, your husband continues his pre-Christian ways and you judge him for it?

This is just wrong on so many levels...

Finding religion really can change people..you'd be surpised. It's not that they believe they are better than everyone else...it's just that they believe they are better than who they used to be. Obviously in this case, however, it didn't seem to work.

Personally, I am not religious. Technically I am Catholic...but I don't believe in it anymore and I am currently looking into other religions.

**Hope75** · 04-11-2008, 12:21 PM

Hi There and Welcome,

What did he say when you presented him with the evidence that you knew he was shopping for escorts?

TheBrokenOne · 04-11-2008, 12:29 PM

Obviously the way you are "putting out" isn't completely satisfying him. You need to talk to him, ask him what is missing in your relationship that he feels he needs to go to Germany and do escorts. That is just crazy. Are you even sure he is going to Germany for business?!?!

It sounds like you want to stay with him and you just wish that he didn't do this... So explain that to him. Say that you want to work things out with him, but you need to know what is going through his mind when he signs up for all this crap behind your back.

04-11-2008, 11:09 AM	#1
extremelyhurt Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: michigan Gender: Female Posts: 7	unsure hey, this is my first time ever posting on a forum. A week ago, I thought I caught my husband looking at porn on the computer. I was so mad, but I ended up forgiving him and told him that we would move on. They were just pictures. Then, it dawned on me that he will be traveling to Germany in a few weeks and he has a credit card that I don't see the statements too. So I got online and looked at the History. I found websites to all kinds of escort services in Germany. One as close as the airport he was flying into. I took my kids to his sisters house for the night. Told her everything that was going on as she is also my pastor. I came home and printed off everything off the computer of the websites that he had looked at. When he got home from work that night, I nailed him to the wall. I just couldn't believe that this was happening again. See my husband and I have had a very rough marriage of 16 years. We both had our affairs. Then 5 years ago something amazing happened and we both had given our life over to God. A month ago his grandfather passed away and my step-grandmother passed away. We have been under a lot of stress, then he found out that he was going to Germany for work. Germany has always been a sore spot in our marriage as it is normally the time that he has been unfaithful to me. He has also gone on this shopping spree and got a German expresso maker and coffee grinder then he got a GPS system for over there. I am so IN LOVE with my husband. I mean head over heals for this jerk. I even made love to him after our huge blow up. Maybe that is because he hadn't actually done the deed. But the thought of him going over there is killing me. And he has to go or it will affect his job. He has a great job. I feel like I am being super stupid, but I have 2 children ages 14 and 12. I don't want to lose my house and my animals. I also know there is no way I could ever afford this place without him. I also hate the thought of ever being without him. I am so confused and hurt and frustrated. I have read other forums on here where they say that the wife wasn't putting out and stuff like that, that wasn't me. I am always putting out for my husband. Now I have gained weight and it has been hard for me to lose it. But I am not obese or anything. He even makes the comment on how I shouldn't lose anything in my butt. So why would he do this??? I don't know what I am looking for on here, I just felt like I needed to talk. So thanks for listening.

04-11-2008, 11:45 AM	#6
CallingAllAngels Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Female Posts: 4,904	OMG... I don't know where to begin... First...get yourself tested for HIV and all the other STD's out there. 2nd, I don't care WHAT THE HELL your husband is telling you, he's done and is DOING "the deed". You don't go to an "escort service" for coffee. Why do I know this? Because I have been THROUGH this, and just DIVORCED a man who did the same thing, MINUS the traveling to Germany thing. He did it right here, under my nose, without me having a clue. Then came home and played happy husband, layed down next to me every night, made love to me, etc etc etc. No clues. None at all. Not until I started paying closer attention to the credit card statements. I'm telling you...DON'T BELIEVE WHAT HE TELLS YOU. I left my husband in January of 2007. He swore on his own father's grave that "nothing happened", even in the face of the truth. Even lied to a marriage councelor. Took all I had to get him to admit to the truth, and when I finally did, well, what he did was MUCH worse than my wildest dreams. MUCH WORSE. And that wasn't until 6 months later. Make it work with your kids. You deserve better. ~Allie __________________ "Accept Life On Life's Terms"....JAH You can't change yesterday but you can ruin today worrying about tomorrow. God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change The Courage to change the things I can And the Wisdom to know the difference... Last edited by CallingAllAngels; 04-11-2008 at 11:47 AM.

04-11-2008, 12:21 PM	#9
Hope75 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,504	Hi There and Welcome, What did he say when you presented him with the evidence that you knew he was shopping for escorts? __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

04-11-2008, 11:23 AM	#2
hopelesslee Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 57	I definitely identify with most everything you're saying--I caught my boyfriend watching porn and was extremely upset as well, but watching porn isn't the end of the world, really. For men it's just a quick way to get release, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. On the other hand, the "escort service" thing is disturbing to me. I think you definitely need to have a serious conversation with him about this. If it were me, I would probably tell him that I didn't trust him to go to Germany at all (especially because something happened there before, and here he is planning for it to happen again). This isn't the time to sit back and say that you will let him go so that he won't have problems with his job. This is your marriage, and although his job is important, you should be more important than that. Have you guys talked to a marriage counselor/family counselor before? I think that you might want to look into that as well; especially if both of your have had affairs before. If you want to make your marriage work, you need to build back a foundation of trust, and not just have the "if he has an affair then I'll have one too and we're even" mentality. Hope this helped. Good luck with everything, and we are always here to listen!

04-11-2008, 11:29 AM	#3
extremelyhurt Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: michigan Gender: Female Posts: 7	Thanks. He has agreed to go to counseling so we will see how that works out. The job thing though, if he loses his job we have nothing. Right now jobs are hard to come by and I am not working. The affairs we had were seperate never out of well because you had one I will have one. I guess I just wanted to know I wasn't alone and that there is someone to talk to because I have no one here to really talk to about this except his sister. That is kinda wierd. Thanks again for your advise and response.

04-11-2008, 11:33 AM	#4
Stambler Offline Join Date: Jan 2006 Gender: None Specified Posts: 810	"See my husband and I have had a very rough marriage of 16 years. We both had our affairs. Then 5 years ago something amazing happened and we both had given our life over to God." So, you are human, obviously, you think your newfound Christianity makes you above human, your husband continues his pre-Christian ways and you judge him for it? This is just wrong on so many levels...

04-11-2008, 11:41 AM	#5
extremelyhurt Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: michigan Gender: Female Posts: 7	I am not judging him. I am hurt. No I don't think that finding God makes us any better or any worse than the other. But...I thought we were over all the bulls***. By the way are the hurter or the hurted?

04-11-2008, 12:29 PM	#10
TheBrokenOne Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 57	Obviously the way you are "putting out" isn't completely satisfying him. You need to talk to him, ask him what is missing in your relationship that he feels he needs to go to Germany and do escorts. That is just crazy. Are you even sure he is going to Germany for business?!?! It sounds like you want to stay with him and you just wish that he didn't do this... So explain that to him. Say that you want to work things out with him, but you need to know what is going through his mind when he signs up for all this crap behind your back.