Alcohol induced

[starrrr]

From my own past, I've had issues with sex. I had my first sexual experience when I was only 6 years old. I would not say I was molested, or forced. It was from my own will, and i assume childish curiosity. I saw it on TV. I'd continue to masturbate to feel that way again in later years. I would have sex with an older man again when I was around 13 years old, he was late teens. I did not feel anything for him, tho he acted as he cared a lot about me. But thinkin back how could he. I figured he was just thinking with his * * * * . Things in my life I have probably sexualized a lot more than other children, and it might have shown outwardly because he brought me into the restroom during a family party and proceeded to admire my breasts and brought out his * * * * for me to admire. I dont even know how we ended up having sexual relationship, but we did and for a while. then i "broke" up with him, just because i knew there was something not right about it. I knew it was wrong wat i was doing..but i couldn't help it anymore. I just tried my very best to forget what I did when I was only a child.


I never told anyone. I would continue havin casual sex through the rest of my high school. Now i am in college, and continued to have casual sex. Meaningful casual sex. But during high school, one of the people i was having "casual" sex with i fell in love with. My relationship with him, i felt feelings and emotions i thought i never would. I guess i liked it a lot for this. In the beginning he would do sweet things for me that other girls i'm pretty sure would have been "wooed" But i didn't feel anything. I wanted to, but i didn't. Then when only he was trying to break up with me because I never showed emotions, was when I broke down. I wanted to feel...and i thought with him i could, and i have.

Now i am here because I would like share an experience, and would really appreciate feedback because i dont know what to feel. This has been a quick background on what I think might bring in some insight into my situation.


I let someone stay in my apartment, someone I trusted. We along with others all went for a drink out in town. I had way too much to drink, and do not remember MOST OF THE NIGHT. I can only recall few little pieces from that night.

Let me get to the point...we ended up having sex. Now I never thought of this guy this way before, I know I did not want to have sex with him. But someone else tells me that I might have "unconsciously" deep down inside of me "wanted him" in that way, and that is why it happened.

I have been trying to respect my body recently. Or something i have fought it for a while, but all i know is i dont want to treat my body that way anymore, randomly and casually having sex. It might have been fun and fit in to the college lifestyle..drinkin and having sex. BUT i have been learning to love my body...and not do those things anymore.

But it happened, and I DO NOT REMEMBER ANYTHING AT ALL. I DO NOT REMEMBER HAVING SEX WITH HIM. He claimes he was drunk to, bull* * * * . Not like how I was. I could not walk, but i was not also completely passed out to the point where I could not move.


I could still move...I remember at a point running to the restroom to throw up, and noticed i did not have pants on, and saw him behind me, but i also saw my boyfriend next to me, and so figured everything was okay....and then passed out again, or atleast do not remember anything else after that. Not even leaving my restroom.


Let me explain my boyfriend being there...he came with his best friend to come see me. His best friend * * * * ed me. My boyfriend layed me on my bed after helping my drunk ass the whole night. Then he went to my roomates bathroom to take * * * * , he didn't want to in my restroom. His best friend was on the living room couch. When he came out the restroom, he went to my room which was locked.

He knocked and no one answered...then he heard what was going on inside. he heard "moans" and other sex noises. and thats when he tried kicking down my door, my door is broken where he kicked. Finally the door was opened. I can't imagine what he thought and what he saw.


I love this man very much, we have been on and off for five years now. We have had a very casual relationship for the past 5 months, just working on being friends. And yes he was the only person i was being physical with. We also live 3 hours apart.



I don't know what to feel about what happened to me. He * * * * ed me in places I never even wanted to do with my boyfriend. But boyfriend thinks it was what i wanted. He says i had been "flirting" with his best friend the whole night and was curious to see how far i would go. He has had jealous issues with us before...i dont like his best friend that way.


Now im experiencing the loss of my boyfriend, and the punishments from what i had "done." out of his anger, he vandalized my room. poured all sorts of liquid all over my bathroom. smashed a glass bottle on my dresser leavin glass everywhere, and poured gel on my keyboard..and toothpaste all over.


And i tell him that i don't remember anything.

And he says that why did i drink so much that night.

And he does not talk to his friend, and does not see me the same way anymore. Says he doesn't believ in "love" anymore.

I dont remember what happened.....

all i know is during my sober mind i don't want to hav sex with his friend. but it happened. why did it happen? Why did i not stop him? now my boyfriend wont speak to me, even tho ive told him i dont remember it and that it was not something i wantd it. i tell him how much i care about him, but all he asks is "then why did it happen?"

[livinginsbi]

Wow, this post sends up about 20 red flags. Does anyone else see this?

[kevinm]

First off... it sounds like there are indeed issues you need to work through from your past. I might suggest seeing a therapist as these deep seeded issues will be something a trained pro will be best at helping you work through. That said, your most recent event, while terrible, is not uncommon with people in your age group who have been drinking. If you feel like you made the mistakes you made whilst drinking, then I would suggest not drinking. Some people, myself included, are better off without alcohol in their lives. Stop drinking, get control of your life, and quit externalizing your problems on your past or alcohol.

-Kevin

[Whiplash Girl Child]

#1, it sounds like you could have been drugged.

#2, this boyfriend of yours does not care for you. why do i believe so? re-read your post.

#3, you have low- to no- self esteem, and need to get some help. if you keep devaluing yourself and your body like that, you're going to stay on the path to nowhere, and maybe your next boyfriend will smack you around a bit.

wake up and stop acting so foolishly. how old are you? is it time for you to GROW UP yet?

[livinginsbi]

starrr - I have personal experience with this - 6 year olds do not have sexual thoughts on their own, you truly need to seek professional help on this one. Your description of behaviour sense then is classic molestation signs and in order to get past this, you're going to have to get a hold on what happened back then.

Don't be so hard on the OP, this could be an awakening experience for her that will make a huge difference in her future

[Gracelove]

Wow! Not good.

I really think that you need time to yourself. You don't need to be dating anyone right now. I think that would be FAR from a wise decision.

Second of all, how is some man going to tell you that you wanted it?

Third of all how do you know your "boyfriend" isn't in on it?
He said you were flirting and he wanted to see how far you'd go with another man???? Doesn't that sound bizarre?

And when is your boyfriend standing in a bathroom with you and another man, while you have your pants off?

Did you really drink a lot that night?

Someone could have put liquid esctacy in your drink.

I think you must have been molested in your childhood. What child masturbates?! And if everything was hunky-dory, what made you get into the casual sex thing? Why were you sleeping with older men when you were a child?

To me it sounds like you were drugged and raped.

And how are you so sure you had sex with this guy when you said you don't remember anything? Did he tell you, that you guys had sex?

And have you had heavy liquor before? Are you accustomed to drinking heavy liquor? Have you ever passed out or been unable to walk in the past while under the influence of alcohol? Have you passed out before while intoxicated?

Or was this experience different? If so, chances are you were drugged. If you know how your body reacts to all sorts of alcohol, and this experience didn't add up, then someone definitely drugged you.

Either way you were taken advantage of.

I must say, your story is disturbing.

It sounds like you've been taken advantage of, sexually, many times in your life.

When it comes to having casual sex, it makes me think that maybe you are trying to regain power you lost during molestation perhaps.

When you've been raped you lose power. And sometimes you think it's possible to regain that power using the same medium in which you've lost it.

Maybe when you were young, whatever happened made you feel a loss of control, a loss of power, extreme violation. So, since you lost you power in during a sexual act, maybe you feel a sexual act will restore your power.

STAY AWAY FROM MEN.

That's the best advice I could give you at the moment.

You are broken right now, damaged, and you need to heal.

I've been raped before, and I stuggle with things. I don't have causal sex, but I eat a lot. I eat a lot of bad things.

I mean, when something horrible like that happens to you, you tend to blame yourself. And you do things to hurt yourself.

Like me, eating things harmful to my body, or you having casual sex with strangers.

You know that you could contract diseases or be harmed by someone with whom you've chosen to have a sexual encounter.

You just need to be alone you know? You need to grieve and you need to heal.

You can't be in a healthy relationship when you are dealing with such serious things.

You have to become a happy human being again, you have to become whole before you can be in a healthy relationship.

And ya, you love your boyfriend, but you know what? You've got to love yourself more.

What kind of man is going to wreck your apartment like that? A man you love? He obviously doesn't love you.
And he seems to be blaming you. I notice he didn't offer to take you to the hospital when you were naked from the bottom down....standing in a bathroom with him and another man.

I mean, c'mon. This man doesn't love you. You said he poured toothpaste and other liquids all over your place?!

To me, it sounds like he's a manifestation of the hate you have inside, for yourself.

Get rid of him. He's not worth your time.

And in regards to his BEST FRIEND. C'mon. His BEST FRIEND. YOU WITH NO PANTS ON IN A BATHROOM WITH HIM AND HIS BEST FRIEND. I think these guys set you up. I think they double teamed you.
How do you know they aren't chatting it up and laughing about it on the phone?

Damaging your apartment seems pretty rash to me. Maybe he needed you to feel like crap. To feel guilty. So you couldn't put two and two together and see what is really going on here.

How about that?

Kick that psycho and his BEST FRIEND out of your life. You don't need people like that around you.

They violated you. Let them go.

You have so much to deal with. If you don't deal with everything that has gone on, with your past....s*it will hit the fan. You've got to deal with it before it deals with you.

You've been running from this stuff since the age of 6?

You need to get a therapist and deal with it. You can't go on living life like this.
Jumping from one misery to another. Letting men take advantage of you....while telling yourself at the same time that it's okay...that everything is fine, because you're into casual sex.

So what does that say? Does that mean that sex doesn't intimidate you? That sex doesn't bring back painful memories??? Because you engage in casual sex?

Forget it, you deserve better.

And you even say that you started valuing yourself more. That you were beginning to value your body.

And then what happened? Two men come along in an attempt to take that away. To crush you. To destroy you.

Stay away from them.

It's unfortunate, but people we love can lie to us. People we love can betray us. People we love can set us up for rape. But to you know what??? THOSE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T LOVE US. Got it? This so-called boyfriend of yours, he sounds like crap.

Surround yourself with PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU. That's what you need to do. Because you have tons of healing to do.

Keep your head high.

You're worthy of love and you are worthy of respect...no matter who tries to tell you that you're not.

*HUGS*AND LOVE YOUR WAY*

~Grace

[Lana0120]

I agree with gracelove. What happened was NOT your fault. You need people who really care about you to be with you right now.

[starrrr]

i was not drugged.

i drink pretty often, but it has always with people i trust with people i know would take advantage of me if i do drink too much, i roll with girls and leave with girls. him i trusted because he was my boyfriends best friend. and thought he was cool from the past times ive known him. we all went to same high school.

my boyfriend at the time, claimed i was flirting with his friend the whole night at the club before it led to what happened. i disagree. and i do not remember anything at all. so was i still there, mentallly, was i there??

if anyone has shared this sort of lifestyle of drinking might know what i talk about when you "black" out. i did not mean to, and honestly dont quite know what i was thinking drinking that much. thought i could handle it. mistake. i have been good handling my drink, but i happen to relapse that night.

but boyfriend has his own issues with what happened. i dont believe he was part of what happened. seeing his girlfriend and best friend go at it while he's around has really affected him. i believe he's going through his own grief.

as for me, i dont know what to think or feel anymore. only thing i know is that, that was not what i wanted to do that night. never thought of having sex with his best friend when i was sober. and so how could i participate when i was drunk? i don't remember it, did it mean i did want it since i didn't attempt to stop him? i feel that i could not even walk, and blacked out, tho i was still breathing and able to react, then y did i not react in a way of stopping him?

he penetrated me in places other than my vagina, that is how i know it happened. something i never could even do with my boyfriend.

we ended up having sex for sure, because my boyfriend was there and he

its taking a lot to share such information. but my boyfriend makes me feel as if i could have made attempts to stop it if i really did not want to.

in the middle of it, when the door was finally unlocked, and my boyfriend walked in, i threw up in the sink. and i was actually laughin as i cleaned the sink because i was thinking "eww gross, haha..."

this is what he saw, me acting casual about it all when he came in.

i love this man. he has made me feel human. we have gone thru many ups and down, and finally we were on the right track i feel...we were being good friends. just being there for each other mainly, more than anything.

n this happened. and i dont know what to make of it...

do i blame myself? because i chose to drink that much? i did make a mistake, but how can i hurt the man i love the way i did?

why didn't i stop it? why was i casual about it? but as ive been saying, i did black out..not recalling anything that had happened. but do remember little pieces. did i want it?

no, then y didn't y stop it?

[starrrr]

im reachin out to anyone who might have similar experiences with drinking and sex. or something..that is why i am here. i am lost.

i cannot tell my family this. i cannot tell my best friends this. they are not around. we all live apart. and i simply cant do it.

the person i did love, and loved me, and was there for me would have been my boyfriend.

but now i dont have him.

[livinginsbi]

Because alcohol tends to break down your inhibitions and that's why a drunken mess ends up with so many problems!

OK, now I'm going to be a little rough on you...starrr, you were raped, plain and simple. You need to get a hold of you emotional baggage now. Quit making excuses and take some real time for you. Get away from the guys and get away from the booze and get your head together.