Depression and love

prahagirl · 04-05-2008, 04:11 PM

I've been living abroad for 2 and half years. My boyfriend moved here 4 months after I did. My first few months were unbearably stressful, so when he arrived and gave me a soft place to fall that's what I did. Unfortunately, I have still not managed to really connect with any friends here (I have people I can hang out with but not really friends), and I got depressed and I never stopped leaning on him. I was just starting to feel like I could drag myself out of this depression, force myself to get out and try things. That's when he told me that he loves me but he doesn't know if its the same as it used to be. We talked about it and we agreed to both try. I saw a counselor for the first time, I signed up for an art class and I'm trying to reconnect with him. Even though he says he wants to make it work, he can't tell me what he needs from me. He doesn't ever want to do anything but go to the movies or the pub--nothing special or active. He quit skating, which he loves. He doesn't look me in the eye very often. We don't have sex as much as we used to, and that's because he often isn't in the mood. I'm starting to think that dealing with my depression made him depressed. I don't know what to do. I can't lose him. We're supposed to be trying, but I don't know what to try. Please help.

frozenpuppy · 04-06-2008, 01:58 AM

If I were you, I would resort to:

Praying. That can pull you out of a nasty pit if youre sincere and patient.

Seeking help

Finding activities to take your mind off of him until the situation eases up a little, creating some space will make him wonder where the heck you've been

Cuppedia · 04-06-2008, 09:21 PM

Hi. It's not healthy to put the burden of your well-being on another person, it's terrible to feel alone but it's okay to have few people to talk to (even if none is your friend) because you CAN change that, good friends are hard to find and they take a lot of time too, so?, give it more time, out of those people you know a good person might appear.

Your boyfriend seems to be under a lot of stress, he might not be adapted to the new place either so I think you have to give him space so he can find himself again.

If the relationship ends you will survive and you're going to be okay, don't worry, he's not your life, you have yourself and that's exactly what you should be focusing on, the art class was a great idea and in general you have to try to find the good things about the place where you are in, you have to work on your relationship yes but you have to work on YOURSELF first, you are half of that and if you're not okay things with him won't either.

Make your life whole and the rest will get easier.

longhaircats · 04-07-2008, 08:30 AM

Hey prahagirl,

I moved to overseas 1.5 years ago and my ex-bf and I were breaking up so it was the hardest time in my life (that’s when I joined this forum). I was a mess for the first few months, with no friends and family near by and was depressed about 6 months or so. But I put myself out there, tried to make new friends and enjoy life. Things that help me get through the tough time were as follows:

-Attended expat meetings: I met few good friends who've also moved here not too long ago. You can connect people like that easier because they are going through the same.

-Signed up for belly dancing classes. I got adrenaline out and I fell a lot better by doing exercises and doing something new.

-Went out clubbing with new single female friends: Same reason as above. Also you'll get attention from men witch makes you feel desired.

-Tried to stop worrying. Whenever I started thinking about negative things, I stopped and told myself "everything is going fine."

-Read self-help books: The book called “feeling good” by David D. Burns was pretty useful for me.

-Be my best friend: You know exactly what you've been going through and you can be the best friend of yours. Don't be too harsh on yourself and treat yourself as you treat your friends.

-Focus on positives. Think about things that you are thankful about. Your family, good friends in your home town, your new experiences in the new city etc. You'll be surprised how many little good things you have. Then be happy what you have, instead of being sad about what you've lost.

You have no control over how your boyfriend feels. So stop worrying about what he might be thinking and focus on yourself. If he stays with you, that would be great, but if he goes, that’s not your problem. I met a wonderful man here who is so much better than my ex!

Hang in there!

Excalibur · 04-07-2008, 09:30 AM

When two people meet - they are two individual people with personal interests, goals, agendas, and pursuits. That is what makes them itneresting to one another - they are not identical, nor symbiotic.

When you moved in and looked to him to provide shelter, entertainment, enjoyment, and ease your transition - that made him your caregiver, or parent. You're now trying to reconnect to "him".

That's ot possible. Yoou need to reconnect to the "you" that he admired, loved, desired, and fell for when you met. When you were a complete person, with your own agenda, needs and actions that met them, etc.

That would allow him to return to his individuality - rather than living with your needs and wants and feelings on a higher priority than his own, which is what a parent or caregiver does.

The relationship is "nothing". when you lost your individuality - you lost the relationship.

If you want to start a new one, that is possible by regenerating your individuality - by personal desire, based on your current perspective, and life lessons learned. You might find you have things enough in common to conintue or you might not.

But either way you'll be complete individuals ready to take on the challenge and thrill of life.

04-05-2008, 04:11 PM	#1
prahagirl Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 1	Depression and love I've been living abroad for 2 and half years. My boyfriend moved here 4 months after I did. My first few months were unbearably stressful, so when he arrived and gave me a soft place to fall that's what I did. Unfortunately, I have still not managed to really connect with any friends here (I have people I can hang out with but not really friends), and I got depressed and I never stopped leaning on him. I was just starting to feel like I could drag myself out of this depression, force myself to get out and try things. That's when he told me that he loves me but he doesn't know if its the same as it used to be. We talked about it and we agreed to both try. I saw a counselor for the first time, I signed up for an art class and I'm trying to reconnect with him. Even though he says he wants to make it work, he can't tell me what he needs from me. He doesn't ever want to do anything but go to the movies or the pub--nothing special or active. He quit skating, which he loves. He doesn't look me in the eye very often. We don't have sex as much as we used to, and that's because he often isn't in the mood. I'm starting to think that dealing with my depression made him depressed. I don't know what to do. I can't lose him. We're supposed to be trying, but I don't know what to try. Please help.

04-06-2008, 01:58 AM	#2
frozenpuppy Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 6	If I were you, I would resort to: Praying. That can pull you out of a nasty pit if youre sincere and patient. Seeking help Finding activities to take your mind off of him until the situation eases up a little, creating some space will make him wonder where the heck you've been

04-06-2008, 09:21 PM	#3
Cuppedia Offline Silver Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 421	Hi. It's not healthy to put the burden of your well-being on another person, it's terrible to feel alone but it's okay to have few people to talk to (even if none is your friend) because you CAN change that, good friends are hard to find and they take a lot of time too, so?, give it more time, out of those people you know a good person might appear. Your boyfriend seems to be under a lot of stress, he might not be adapted to the new place either so I think you have to give him space so he can find himself again. If the relationship ends you will survive and you're going to be okay, don't worry, he's not your life, you have yourself and that's exactly what you should be focusing on, the art class was a great idea and in general you have to try to find the good things about the place where you are in, you have to work on your relationship yes but you have to work on YOURSELF first, you are half of that and if you're not okay things with him won't either. Make your life whole and the rest will get easier.

04-07-2008, 08:30 AM	#4
longhaircats Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: In between UK and US Gender: Female Posts: 249	Hey prahagirl, I moved to overseas 1.5 years ago and my ex-bf and I were breaking up so it was the hardest time in my life (that’s when I joined this forum). I was a mess for the first few months, with no friends and family near by and was depressed about 6 months or so. But I put myself out there, tried to make new friends and enjoy life. Things that help me get through the tough time were as follows: -Attended expat meetings: I met few good friends who've also moved here not too long ago. You can connect people like that easier because they are going through the same. -Signed up for belly dancing classes. I got adrenaline out and I fell a lot better by doing exercises and doing something new. -Went out clubbing with new single female friends: Same reason as above. Also you'll get attention from men witch makes you feel desired. -Tried to stop worrying. Whenever I started thinking about negative things, I stopped and told myself "everything is going fine." -Read self-help books: The book called “feeling good” by David D. Burns was pretty useful for me. -Be my best friend: You know exactly what you've been going through and you can be the best friend of yours. Don't be too harsh on yourself and treat yourself as you treat your friends. -Focus on positives. Think about things that you are thankful about. Your family, good friends in your home town, your new experiences in the new city etc. You'll be surprised how many little good things you have. Then be happy what you have, instead of being sad about what you've lost. You have no control over how your boyfriend feels. So stop worrying about what he might be thinking and focus on yourself. If he stays with you, that would be great, but if he goes, that’s not your problem. I met a wonderful man here who is so much better than my ex! Hang in there!

04-07-2008, 09:30 AM	#5
Excalibur Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 1,651	When two people meet - they are two individual people with personal interests, goals, agendas, and pursuits. That is what makes them itneresting to one another - they are not identical, nor symbiotic. When you moved in and looked to him to provide shelter, entertainment, enjoyment, and ease your transition - that made him your caregiver, or parent. You're now trying to reconnect to "him". That's ot possible. Yoou need to reconnect to the "you" that he admired, loved, desired, and fell for when you met. When you were a complete person, with your own agenda, needs and actions that met them, etc. That would allow him to return to his individuality - rather than living with your needs and wants and feelings on a higher priority than his own, which is what a parent or caregiver does. The relationship is "nothing". when you lost your individuality - you lost the relationship. If you want to start a new one, that is possible by regenerating your individuality - by personal desire, based on your current perspective, and life lessons learned. You might find you have things enough in common to conintue or you might not. But either way you'll be complete individuals ready to take on the challenge and thrill of life.