Agh, relationships

amethyst exchange · 03-24-2008, 02:29 AM

I don't know if this goes here or in one of the other relationships threads but this one felt like it fit better.

Anyways, my problem is, that at best in a relationship I feel like I'm disposable, and at worst I feel like I'm dragging the other person down. This is true of all relationships I have, romantic or not.

Take for example the last relationship I was in. I liked this girl soooo much. She was beautiful and sweet and smart and just magnificent, and that was the problem!

She was so very everything I ever could've dreamed of, that the fact she liked me....made me incredibly suspicious and the more I realized how marvelous this person was the more uncomfortable I felt in the relationship because I knew she'd eventually realize how marvelous she was, too. That'd she'd just drop me for something 'better' (which I guess is what she did....someone just like me except he'd have sex with her).

Even in friendships though, I avoid getting too close to people. I constantly tell people who want to be my friend to leave me alone. I push them away because I know that they'll leave me, that they'll realize that there's something better than me and that they don't need me. And if I'm not needed why bother with the pretense.

One of my friends was worried about me. She'd send me emails asking me how I was feeling and if she could help. And it kind of irritated me and I told her, "I don't want you to give a damn, just stop caring and leave me the hell alone!". I sincerely didn't want her caring because her caring about me made things worse because I felt like I was constantly letting her down by not 'feeling better'. I said some pretty mean things to her at one point because I really wanted her to finally give up on me and really hate me.

A lot of times I just want people to keep away because it feels that whenever I'm in a relationship I'm always the desperate one, and I hate feeling attached to someone, I hate feeling good because someone else loves me because I'm terrified of being attached/addictied to those feelings (which was the largest reason why I wouldn't have sex with my past relationship, well, that and my general disregard for any worthiness I had in such an act).

I know a large part of it is that I can't trust other people when they say they love me. That I can't understand what that means when they say 'I love you'. When people say that to me it literally shocks and blindsides my entire system and, I try to rationalize why they say it but I can't...and it starts to bug me. I have to understand what angle they are working at, what do they want, what do they like about me that they'd say about that and so often they...don't have a reason and I can't believe that they like me as an individual (rather than say...a skill set) because I'm so thoroughly unlikeable (as evidenced by the fact that I turn rather cruel who what to be my friends/lovers).

HyruleGuardian · 03-24-2008, 02:42 AM

It sounds to me like you've been hurt a lot in the past so it's hard to open up to people. I can definitely relate. I've been screwed so many times by people that told me they loved me that it's almost impossible for me to believe it anymore when someone good comes along. It usually takes me a very long time to give myself fully to someone. Maybe I'll snap out of this phase and realize not all people are bad one day, but it's a process and it'll take awhile.

amethyst exchange · 03-24-2008, 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HyruleGuardian

It sounds to me like you've been hurt a lot in the past so it's hard to open up to people. I can definitely relate. I've been screwed so many times by people that told me they loved me that it's almost impossible for me to believe it anymore when someone good comes along. It usually takes me a very long time to give myself fully to someone. Maybe I'll snap out of this phase and realize not all people are bad one day, but it's a process and it'll take awhile.

Well, not really. No, one has ever hurt me, per se. It's just been I don't know, I've never been...overly loved before. So for me, when someone says 'I love you'. It's like a phrase I've never experienced before and so I drop back to some sort of informational quantification of the phrase and it just doesn't make any sense.

It would be like a person had their mind wiped and in place of their memories of their childhood home all they had were the atlas and encyclopedia entries for said place and when asked to describe their home, all they could give were latitude and longitude coordinates and a rough, encyclopedic geography of the place (but utterly lacking any of the human depth to the answer such as where their favorite hiding place was or anything about that summer when the robins nested in the awning above the kitchen window).

It's not that I anticipate any actual malicious intent (though there is some of that from high school but it's not what predominantly sticks in my mind) it's just that this seems to be the natural evolution of things...ie I'm disposable/they find someone like me but better/I drag them down. So rather than deal with all the sticking points of that evolution I just keep myself a safe distance away or attempt to. That doesn't mean that relationships aren't painful for me, they are incredibly so, but the pain is a far more internal thing than an external one. The people don't hurt me...I hurt myself...so to speak.

Haven · 03-24-2008, 04:27 AM

I think you should definitely work on your self-esteem. It sounds to me like you think so little of yourself that you can't believe anyone could actually care about you. So when someone does care about you, that brings up an entire range of negative emotions. You might feel like they're just lying to you or belittling your self-image. Or you might be unable to accept their image of you (i.e., someone worth caring about) since it conflicts so much with your self-image (i.e., someone who is worthless).

Maybe my opinion is wrong, I don't know. But I really think that you don't have to be anything spectacular to deserve love and care from others. Being human is enough. I think if you just work on improving your self-esteem and feel good about yourself, then you won't be afraid of forming connections with people. I mean, it makes sense, right? If you're scared of getting addicted to the good feelings you get from a relationship, there's a simple solution - instead of avoiding relationships, just be able to feel good regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship. (One way to do this is to cultivate friendships.) Anyway.. I don't know if this was helpful, but I really hope you got at least something out of what I said. Good luck with everything.

HyruleGuardian · 03-24-2008, 12:39 PM

I think that you need to stop focusing on relationships for a while and take some time to have a relationship with yourself. It sounds like you aren't dealing with your issues and when you bring a second person into it all the focus gets shifted.

I don't think that what your dealing with is abnormal. A lot of people have problems accepting themselves and loving who they are. Every feeling you have and fear that you are living has been created by you to protect yourself from stuff that happened to you. Sometimes we carry that protection and fear forward into our current situations when they only served in past relationships/situations. Have compassion for yourself though. You are obviously a caring person, you care about others a great deal you just haven't learned how to do that for yourself.

I would start by getting some books that will help re-direct you. Maybe see a counselor or life coach. The problem is it's hard to find someone who you can really connect with.

03-24-2008, 02:29 AM	#1
amethyst exchange Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 165	Agh, relationships I don't know if this goes here or in one of the other relationships threads but this one felt like it fit better. Anyways, my problem is, that at best in a relationship I feel like I'm disposable, and at worst I feel like I'm dragging the other person down. This is true of all relationships I have, romantic or not. Take for example the last relationship I was in. I liked this girl soooo much. She was beautiful and sweet and smart and just magnificent, and that was the problem! She was so very everything I ever could've dreamed of, that the fact she liked me....made me incredibly suspicious and the more I realized how marvelous this person was the more uncomfortable I felt in the relationship because I knew she'd eventually realize how marvelous she was, too. That'd she'd just drop me for something 'better' (which I guess is what she did....someone just like me except he'd have sex with her). Even in friendships though, I avoid getting too close to people. I constantly tell people who want to be my friend to leave me alone. I push them away because I know that they'll leave me, that they'll realize that there's something better than me and that they don't need me. And if I'm not needed why bother with the pretense. One of my friends was worried about me. She'd send me emails asking me how I was feeling and if she could help. And it kind of irritated me and I told her, "I don't want you to give a damn, just stop caring and leave me the hell alone!". I sincerely didn't want her caring because her caring about me made things worse because I felt like I was constantly letting her down by not 'feeling better'. I said some pretty mean things to her at one point because I really wanted her to finally give up on me and really hate me. A lot of times I just want people to keep away because it feels that whenever I'm in a relationship I'm always the desperate one, and I hate feeling attached to someone, I hate feeling good because someone else loves me because I'm terrified of being attached/addictied to those feelings (which was the largest reason why I wouldn't have sex with my past relationship, well, that and my general disregard for any worthiness I had in such an act). I know a large part of it is that I can't trust other people when they say they love me. That I can't understand what that means when they say 'I love you'. When people say that to me it literally shocks and blindsides my entire system and, I try to rationalize why they say it but I can't...and it starts to bug me. I have to understand what angle they are working at, what do they want, what do they like about me that they'd say about that and so often they...don't have a reason and I can't believe that they like me as an individual (rather than say...a skill set) because I'm so thoroughly unlikeable (as evidenced by the fact that I turn rather cruel who what to be my friends/lovers). __________________ We've all been playing games. Fenric's games. Playing his games and walking into his traps.

03-24-2008, 02:42 AM	#2
HyruleGuardian Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 567	It sounds to me like you've been hurt a lot in the past so it's hard to open up to people. I can definitely relate. I've been screwed so many times by people that told me they loved me that it's almost impossible for me to believe it anymore when someone good comes along. It usually takes me a very long time to give myself fully to someone. Maybe I'll snap out of this phase and realize not all people are bad one day, but it's a process and it'll take awhile.

03-24-2008, 04:27 AM	#4
Haven Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 973	I think you should definitely work on your self-esteem. It sounds to me like you think so little of yourself that you can't believe anyone could actually care about you. So when someone does care about you, that brings up an entire range of negative emotions. You might feel like they're just lying to you or belittling your self-image. Or you might be unable to accept their image of you (i.e., someone worth caring about) since it conflicts so much with your self-image (i.e., someone who is worthless). Maybe my opinion is wrong, I don't know. But I really think that you don't have to be anything spectacular to deserve love and care from others. Being human is enough. I think if you just work on improving your self-esteem and feel good about yourself, then you won't be afraid of forming connections with people. I mean, it makes sense, right? If you're scared of getting addicted to the good feelings you get from a relationship, there's a simple solution - instead of avoiding relationships, just be able to feel good regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship. (One way to do this is to cultivate friendships.) Anyway.. I don't know if this was helpful, but I really hope you got at least something out of what I said. Good luck with everything.

03-24-2008, 12:39 PM	#5
HyruleGuardian Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Gender: Male Age: 21 Posts: 567	I think that you need to stop focusing on relationships for a while and take some time to have a relationship with yourself. It sounds like you aren't dealing with your issues and when you bring a second person into it all the focus gets shifted. I don't think that what your dealing with is abnormal. A lot of people have problems accepting themselves and loving who they are. Every feeling you have and fear that you are living has been created by you to protect yourself from stuff that happened to you. Sometimes we carry that protection and fear forward into our current situations when they only served in past relationships/situations. Have compassion for yourself though. You are obviously a caring person, you care about others a great deal you just haven't learned how to do that for yourself. I would start by getting some books that will help re-direct you. Maybe see a counselor or life coach. The problem is it's hard to find someone who you can really connect with.