Would you date someone if they gave a child up for adoption?

[Fireandice]

Hi... long time reader, first time poster.

I'll try to keep this generalized:

Say, for instance, you were dating a woman that you had just met from an online dating site a few months ago, you really liked each other, had a lot in common, etc...and then she told you that she gave up a child for adoption at birth just a few years ago (in an open adoption). Would that bother you too much to continue dating or could you look past it? Just wanted to know if anyone has ever dated someone where something like this came up, and how you would feel.

[8amallday]

ive never come across this in my own life, so i cannot say for sure how i would feel.

but, i think that i would be okay with it. she just obviously could not handle the responsibility of being a parent at the time and she did the right thing and put the child in a (hopefully) much better place. i would continue to date her

it is a big thing to get over, im sure, but realize that these things happen. people make mistakes. at least she is open to you about it and has done the right thing. she is more than likely a very good person

good luck! and welcome to enotalone!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

How do YOU feel about it? Does it make you uncomfortable? Is the issue about the adoption itself or the fact that she had a child with no father around?

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

i would look at it at a case-by-case basis. what was going on at the time? if she was a young teenage mother, scared, i can see why she did that. if she was a 30 something established professional woman, i would be concerned. what about the father of the child? was he a deadbeat? did she even know who he was?

is this woman in the same place now emotionally as she was when she gave the baby up for adoption? or has her life straightened out?

[RayKay]

Yes I would.

You don't know the circumstances and I certainly think giving up a child for adoption is a very tough...but VERY loving choice in many, many cases.

My best friend gave a child up for adoption when she was 16 yrs old...also an open adoption. That child today is 12, and thriving with two very loving parents whom could not have children of their own. She loves him, but knows it was the best for him. It was difficult, but she made the choice with a lot of love.

I am sorry, I honestly don't understand why it's something you would hold against her. Things like this happen in life, and people do the best they can. It is part of whom she is and probably has been an important part of the loving person she is.

Are you more upset she gave the child up, or that she had gotten pregnant accidentally in first place?

[Hope75]

One of my best friends gave her child up for adoption (open adoption) about 11 years ago. She was young, depressed, and the baby's father was a deadbeat who threatened her.

She is still a part of her child's life and she is close with him and very involved, and he is thriving in his adoptive home.

Personally I think it's one of the bravest things she has ever done and she did it for him, and for no other reason.

If the situation were reversed, for me, it would depend on the circumstances.

CAD brings up a good point- how do YOU feel about it?

[Cognitive_Canine]

If I was a man, I would.

First of all, at least she was open with you. That is always reassuring.

Second of all, it's in the past. We all have skeletons in our closets from past relationships, this just happens to be bigger than others.

[itsallgrand]

Completely generalized to a situation where a woman had put a child up for adoption, wouldn't worry.

It's in the details and the individual person that would or wouldn't have me concerned as always. What do I think and feel about this persons character. Is it compatible with mine, too.

For someone to do as you've suggested and say that out right, honestly, I have two conflicting responses all at once:
1) It's brave to do that. Especially through an online dating site. And it's upfront.
2) How come it is something the woman is bringing up so early, why is she disclosing the information to you?

The information itself doesn't raise any eyebrows from me. I suppose my only real concern would be what it all means and plays in the woman's life - someone I am interesting in seeing if our lives match.

Perhaps she is still involved in some way in the child's life, or the process, in which case it makes a whole lot of sense to let people know this.

[RayKay]

Perhaps she is still involved in some way in the child's life, or the process, in which case it makes a whole lot of sense to let people know this.

In open adoptions you generally are in some way involved. This can be minimal - such as pictures once a year - but it can be more. Depends on what the adoptive parents and birth parents agree on.

My friend is known to the child as a special "aunt"; the child knows he is adopted but has not yet been told that she is his birth mother. She seems him a handful of times during a year. They have talked about telling him but I think they are waiting a little while longer until he is older (he has not asked if they know whom his birth parents are yet though either, so if they asked they might tell him).

[itsallgrand]

Whoops, I did miss the (open adoption) part of the equation.

Ooh. So I'm curious now to hear from the OP.

I can understand reservations....because it is a bit different...but....

really need more information to know what kind of worries someone might even be having! It would really depend.

(This idea of an open adoption is new to me. Very cool!)