Cannot stand existence...

[Cringe]

I cannot stand the nature of existence. It purely disgusts me. We are all enslaved by the necessity of money. Slavery is not abolished in America, the noose was simply loosened and it is now called capitalism. We've got pictures of slaveowners on our money, for pete's sake. Think about that for a moment. We go to work to receive a little baseball card of a slaveowner that we then have to fork over to the electricity company so that we can see what we are doing inside our homes when the sun goes down. This drives me insane! I am not 100% bitter towards the government for the system that's in place, the real target of my hatred and bitterness is mother nature and the tendencies of the universe.
I am so tired of chasing energy. I mean money is after all a form of energy. I work for 40 hours a week (most of the time) whoring my internal energy out to some arbitrary company that I work for at the time, doing some inane job that the owner of the company doesn't want to do himself or doesn't have the time to do himself. That company takes my energy and makes more money from it than they paid me for! I don't blame people for the way they are, the way I see it, human nature is disgusting, but it is built into our very souls to be selfish and all-consuming. The only way to survive is to be selfish. If your not selfish, people will walk all over you, using you as a tool/stepping stone to increase their level of energy intake. Everyone is looking for a more efficient way to draw energy into their souls. That's why you've got the jerks out there who point out everybody else's flaws so that they can feel better about themselves.
I witnessed the birth of my first daughter last year in August. She's now 1-1/2 years old, fast approaching 2 years old. All because I was too damn selfish, too self-indulgent when having sex with my girlfriend, that I didn't restrain myself a little bit and pull out. My God, what have I done? I feel incredibly guilty for bringing her into this world. My beautiful daughter, so bright and innocent and so easily filled with joy. Her view of the beauty in this world is unfiltered, unhampered by any experience of heartbreak, loss, inefficiency or dissappointment. I now have to watch her grow, each year becoming more and more aware of the stark reality that she notices apparent on the faces of all her older loved ones. I have to watch her brilliant light of childhood fade into the dull gray aura of a worker-drone of society.
I sit at work, unable to quiet the racing white-water rapid river of thoughts that race throught my head everyday. I sit at a computer drawing blueprints for a sheetmetal/ductwork contractor. The somewhat mindless and monotonous tone of my job allows my mind to wander. I worry that I'm not producing enough work, and if I get fired because I wasn't good enough at my job, my daughter and my fiancee will lose the house that we are renting. The house that I am barely holding onto, paycheck to paycheck. The thoughts overwhelm me so much that I must go into the bathroom and let out quiet tears, purging out my fear of failure, splash water on my face, and go try again. This happens at least three times a day at work.
I'm so sick of hanging by a thread, I'm just ready to die. Human nature sickens me. I think God royally messed up when he decided to give us free will. Free will to do what, hurt each other? Now that I have a daughter, I have become extremely upset with the way the world is. It's one thing for me to have to suffer through it but now this big, meesed up world is looming over my little girl, ready to rape her of her beautiful innocence and steal her energy to assimilate and dissipate into the benefit of everyone else. If some a-hole feels the urge he can use his wonderfully God-given FREE WILL to break into my house and murder my family in the middle of the night. There's nothing I can do to stop this. I can get a security system or buy a gun, but the fact remains that someone can attempt this whenever they feel like it because of the fact that God granted that piece of crap free will. Thanks alot, God, if there even is one. I mean, after taking a long hard look at all of the necessary evils in this world, like the laws of physics and the free will that all these wonderful 'humans' have, I'm seriously starting to doubt that God is even real, or least that if he is real, he sure as hell doesn't love us.
I can't stand this charade anymore, constantly fighting the universe's natural tendency toward the highest state of randomness, of entropy. Work, work, work, life is nothing but endless work. Consume, consume, consume, so many people feel that if they don't go out and feed on life, then it's meaningless, what a sham!! I'm gonna go to the shooting range, ask to shoot a couple of rounds off. I figure that's the easiest way to get my hands on a gun, no waiting list, no BS. I'll fire a couple of shots to get the feel for it, then very quickly blow my brains all over the wall of the shooting booth. And I sincerely hope there is no afterlife, I just want to blow out like a candle. I want to be nothing.

[BYOB]

Hang on man, hang on. If you need to talk, you know you an count on me. Just PM me and I'll answer to you.

[simply complicated]

If you think your government sucks, then head out to Cuba, or any third world country for that matter, you've got it easy compared to them.
What you said about selfish, being the only tool for survival, that was and sometimes still is my mentality as well, I hear you when you talk about 40 hour work weeks, hey, I do 50 hour work weeks, for a company that could care less about it's employees, but they expect the world from us.
Congradulations on your baby girl, I often wonder how a child can be so happy, the smallest thing can make them smile, I now know that I could probably never enjoy something as much as a child could enjoy playing with bubbles, or colouring, our innocence fades through experience, becuase experience teaches us the harsh reality of the world and our existance.

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's people blaming their issues on God, please give that thought a rest, you don't know whats out there, and you had better appreciate the fact that you have a free will, not nessicarely given to you by god, but in general, picture yourself in a war camp, being tortured, told what to eat, when to take a crap, when to sleep, and what to think, you would certainly wish that free will existed then.
Don't overwhelm yourself with the "what ifs" in life, such as, what if I loose my job, what if someone breaks into my home, what if, what if, you could cross the street and get hit by a bus, thats the reality of it all, that is how fragile life really is, so don't waste time dwelling on things that you can't control, appreciate life for what little beauty it has, you have a daughter, a fiance who loves you, all under one roof. There are guys who would kill to have what you have, don't squander it because you are unable to grasp the concept of reality.
You preach that others are selfish, well what about you, if you killed yourself today, you leave behind a beautiful little girl without a father, a loving fiance without a future husband, all because of your selfishness, don't give up, there are plenty of reasons to continue on, you work hard now, it will pay off for years to come.

[Cognitive_Canine]

As far as I see it, having no purpose in life takes all the pressure off of living.

I just like being, I don't like being expected to live up to some master plan.

If there is one, great, glad I could be apart of it. If there isn't, I'll just pursue things that make me happy.

You have a daughter whom you clearly love and a fiance. At least you aren't all alone. you may feel like it but you have warming bonds that people would kill for.

You should read up on some salinger. His main characters feel the same way you do.

Also, I used to feel the same way too. Till I realized that everyone felt this way. It's not original.

[greensleeves]

Yes, you're right that there are many things in this world that are frustrating, wrong and evil, but you can choose to simplify your life. Choose to live in a way that makes sense to you and change your little corner of the universe. There is nothing forcing you to consume beyond your needs, no one is forcing you to work at a job you hate. You can change jobs...it won't happen overnight, but if you plan for it and work at it, you can create change in your life and in your world. You have a beautiful daughter and it's up to you to be there for her and create a loving and caring environment for her, based on love and happiness, not anger and fear.

If you're seriously having suicidal thoughts, you need to get some counseling or call a suidcide hotline immediately. Do not leave your daughter alone...show her that change is possible and be the role model that a parent should be. No one can change everything, but you can work towards changing something in this world, whether it be an environmental cause, volunteering for for a political candidate who may share some of your values, taking your daughter to a senior's home to brighten up their day, the things you can do are endless. Just try not to become overwhelmed by the number of things that bother you and refuse to live in fear.

Check out this website about choosing simplicity. It's a non for profit organization, so they're not out to take your money. Good luck...remember that your daughter needs you.

[Only registered and activated users can see links. ]

[JohnD]

cmon man give me a freaking break.

40 hours a week thats nothing man, that is nothing. go to China, go visit one of the factories. there the people work for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, for months after months after months. and they earn at max 3 dollars a day. And each day after work do they get to go to a house or apartment and spend the day with their family? no, they go to their dorms where they share with 8 other guys. And out of the year they dont get to have a 1 week vacation. By your standard these people should be leaping down from buildings in the thousands. But no. So if these people wont give up on their lives despite their horrible condition; than if you go kill yourself that is just weak.

And do you know why these people keep working day in and day out. it is because they work for their sons, and their daughters. they work so they can have a better future than they have. they work in hope to one day see their children lead a successful life. you may call them foolish, because not all of their children can become successful. but at least they can have the satisfaction in knowing that they tried their best.

If you cant find something to live for yourself. Live for your daughter. If you kill yourself, she is going to spend the rest of her life without her dad, without you. And everyday when other children daddies came to pick them up from school, and went to see their plays at school, she would have no one. because her daddy was a coward, and killed himself.

I am sorry for the harsh words my friend. I said these because I know what it feels like to live without a father.

[amure]

this bleak existance was once the life it was ment to be. no jobs, education, money, industery, manufactoring, war, oil, TV/nternet...

there was only nature in all its beauty. we where born on the bed of mother earth, left out to enjoy this vast land and all its potental. when where born today, where born around men in white suits, computers, metal and other man made elements. where then subject to society where we learn the "neccecetys" of life until where of age, where its expected of us to choose a career choice and work, building this monster we call society into a more chaotic instrument then it already is.

we are programed from the time where born to stay in the sqaure of security.

yes, i know what your saying...
i hope wish you and your daughter/wife-to-be good luck

[CynicalGuitarist]

I could spend my whole post rambling on about how there are worse places than the US of A and that you should be thankful for what you have like it's the magic cure for everything and that all your problems are your fault alone (like the self help gurus always preach), but you are almost 100 percent right in what you posted. God supposedly created us in "his" image, and if so, I can see the connection... you know the saying "Power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely"? It applies to everything in the universe. Life is, in essence, meaningless, and the only thing this romp has been and will ever be about is selfishness, power, wealth, money, and elitism. I know people like to rant about how this is not true, that we are "divine beings" and try to make it seem like our bs is so much more epic than the cat that wonders from yard to yard; why? Because we use words and have clothes and a salary? It's funny when I stop to think about who always gets murdered... it's always people who have tried to help us in becoming peaceful, loving, empathetic creatures (MLK jr., John F Kennedy, Malcom X, Abe Lincoln, Jesus, Gandhi, etc.)

Unfortunately, we have all just "happened to stumble" into this reality... sure, we can change what we do, but we cannot change who we are. We are stuck in a prison of self. We can all struggle to fight our way out, but on the flipside, people like to make it seem like anybody can jump through these hoops and come out as a functioning, honest, decent person whose intentions are nothing but good... but when we look at reality, we see a whole different picture. Not everyone is gonna make it the way they want in this life... that's reality. You'll never have teachers preaching the truth that some of their students are gonna end up finding a vice that they'll attach themselves to that'll, ironicly, become their downfall. However, I personally, would rather be poor doing what I love (singing in a band) than stuck in some cubicle as an office drone or outdoors doing tedious grunt-work, as contrived and cliche as it sounds.

I do agree with JohnD though... you should stay alive for your daughter and fiancee. I know so many parents that don't have the consciousness or eloquence that you do. They end up lying to their children in hopes that they might become cogs to the machine just like mommy and daddy. They'll whitewash the truth and insist that their kids be "normal" even though they'll consciously tell me otherwise.

I, myself, work only 9 hours a week at a job I'm horrible at only to get yelled at by my boss, still live at home, can't get a date to save my life, feel terrible for mooching off my mom, struggle with ADHD (with my crowning academic achievement being my GED) and have worked at what I love for 5 years (singing and playing guitar) with nothing to show for it... I sometimes think that my life is pointless and that I should end it all, but then again, I might as well have hope, 'cause I can't predict for what tomorrow's gonna bring. Plus, I live for my baby niece (about your daughter's age) even though I barely see her and she hardly acknowledges my existance. I wouldn't want her to see my gravestone or urn in the future wondering "why?"

Please don't pull through, though... you aren't alone and at least have a family to live for. I hate to placate your ego, but I wish there were more people like you out there who can see through the bullcrap.

[Cassie]

Hi Cringe -

I can feel your pain through your words here. But please try to understand something, When you shroud yourself with negativity, it literally eats away at your vibrant life force and snuffs out any shred of joy or happiness.

You have a beautiful gift with your daughter. Look at the innocent awe she receives from her correspondence with the world and use that as guidance for strength in your time of need.

It sounds like you are having financial difficulties, as you mentioned struggling paycheck to paycheck. Are you the sole provider in the relationship? Your fiance and you may need to sit down and re-evaluate your living situation and budget. Do you have any savings? Any Debt?

Living paycheck to paycheck is a form of slavery you can consciously change.

Baby steps.

[Gracelove]

Very articulate! You expressed your feelings very well. It sounds like you feel extremely overwhelmed. Just remember that life has high points as well. Maybe you need to balance the working with a little more fun. Yes, humans can be selfish, but it's good that you are able to acknowledge it, that means you can change it.

I know that I had to remind myself not to be greedy recently.

Sometimes we think that things will add to our value as humans. You seem fully aware that that isn't the case, so you should feel proud of that.

Sometimes you just need a little alone time to address your fears and worries. And afterwards, you may find yourself feeling a little more optimistic.