So at what point will I stop hating her?

[TexasDad]

I mean I do hate her with all my heart, the heart that once held nothing but love for her. But now when the kids are with me or at school and I hear of an accident on her work route I secretly hope it is her. I wish death on her everyday. Yes I realize I am wrong to do these things but I really want her to suffer like I have. Everything she does just grates on me, she moved on so quick, had a boyfriend in November, she told me in October she wanted a divorce, it is supposed to be final tomorrow but it looks as though the weather here will push it to next week. I hate her, truly I do, I hate her for what she did to our family, I hate her when the kids cry for her when they are with me, I hate her when I realize our 10 year marriage was a sham and she never really loved me. I just plain hate her...

They say well she is the mother of your children, really that means nothing to me I feel we would all be better off if she were dead...

[Supa_gurl]

I don't know if that feeling will ever go away. I am sorry that you are going through the Big "D". I know that with my dad, his 3rd marriage (I know I know!), he hated her for what see did to the marriage, how she tried to turn my little sister against him. She did a lot to hurt him. I remember being a young teenager and hearing my dad wish death on her and worse thinking of doing something to her himself! All is well now. He is civil with her, I don't think he hates her any more, but he certainly will never forget or forgive.

On the other hand, hate is such a powerful 'thing' it eats you up inside and is very unhealthy. You need to stay healthy for your children's sake. In my teenage years my dad did get more aggressive, now I don't know if it was because of her, but I felt like I lost my daddy because of her. He was never the same, he always had hateful things to say about women in general. And believe it or not: he didn't scare me away from marriage, though it probably should have. I am about to come up on 11 years myself, which is more years than all 3 of his marriages put together!

I wish you well, and do pray you can get past the hate eventually

[scornandtorn]

You will stop hating her when you no longer let her control your emotions. You are in the anger stage of the healing process and acceptance is right around the corner.

I went through the same and I must say it is a relief when you can let go of the anger. My ex tries to control my emotions by making me angry to justify her walking away into another mans arms. I will never give her the control of my emotions. She made her choices and she can carry the guilt that goes with it.

[buwbd]

Healing is a process and hatred is sometimes a part of that process. Think of it as another layer that you will shed once you are ready to cross the next bridge. Eventually, it will pass but in the meantime, consider the following quotes:

"The opposite of love is apathy, and hate is really the same as love. If you're so consumed by hatred for someone, you might as well be loving them, because you're thinking about them for the same amount of time.”


“It is a curious subject of observation and inquiry, whether hatred and love be not the same thing at the bottom. Each, in its utmost development, supposes a high degree of intimacy and heart-knowledge; each renders one individual dependent for the food of his affections and spiritual life upon another; each leaves the passionate lover, or the no less passionate hater, forlorn and desolate by the withdrawal of his object. Philosophically considered, therefore, the two passions seem essentially the same, except that one happens to be seen in a celestial radiance and the other in a dusky and lurid glow.”

[thejigsup]

Please try to get over the hate. Children can sense it and it will work against their love for you. My ex was a divorce lawyer and this is often what we heard from the kids. They eventually stop wanting to visit you. Your angry and hateful towards their mother and the atmospher around her is happy. It is not fair or nice, but it is the way it is.

[Stambler]

Big of you to admit to those feeling we all have Texas. And that's step #1 in dealing with them - bravo.

I felt the same, she left me, we had a 2 year old son and she dismantled the family becauue she "wasn't happy" and was finding her "happiness" somewhere else. When they move on this quickly, it is because they had someone else lined up, believe me, it is all part of their escape plan (male or female).

She continues to be a thorn inmy side, as she will never know happiness.

Some days I consider her almost as a "friend" other days I too wish she was dead becasue she canbe so bi-polar.

Time WILL heal your wounds. You will grow apart and lose all feelings for her.

Hang in there my friend, enjoy yor kids when you have them, do what ever you want to do when you don't have them. You are free now, the world, so to speak, is your oyster. You are no longer controlled by her.

[just M.E.]

Texas -

It isn't abnormal to feel that, as everyone above has said. Scorn has it right, there will be a point where you run into her and you will not feeling anything, and it will amaze you. It did me when it happened. Maybe some sadness and regret for lost dreams but the opposite of love is indifference not hate. Hate is somewhere on that path to indifference.

Scorn's quote is the most meaningful:

"Failing to forgive is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

In due time ..... hang in there.

To me, my ex is now simply a waste of oxygen, an enviromental waste.

[CallingAllAngels]

You sound exactly like me not too long ago.

My husband had multiple affairs and kept them from me. I was deceived, and felt like my 12 year marriage was one big lie...like I didn't even know him at all.

I am so very sorry for what you are feeling. The road you are on is not an easy one.

This is going to sound, AT THIS TIME, like a completely foreign concept to you, because you're not ready to do this yet. But the only way to stop hating your wife it to forgive her.

Before you completely dismiss what I am saying, I want to share something with you that my mom shared with me. At the time, I was like "please...don't even go there." But I made copy of it. And I am STILL, one year later, working on this.

Forgiveness:
Forgiveness is critical to a healthy life.
By holding on to an injury, we are hoping for a better past, which will NEVER happen.
Forgiveness recognizes that we were UNJUSTLY treated, and that it will NOT be corrected.
Forgiveness does NOT condone the injustice.
IT IS A DECISION NOT TO LET THE INJUSTICE CONTROL MY LIFE ANY LONGER.

I hoped that helped a little.

And I hope, with time, you get there.

I'm closer...

My best to you.

~Allie

[whodathunk]

I ask myself that same question Tex. Were my ex to drop dead tomorrow, I would buy myself a red suit just to dance on her grave. I do work hard to mask this in front of the kids though and am careful not to run her down at all in their presence. Sounds like you got some good advise here. Good luck....

[John Bendix]

There are a lot of points made on these posts concerning hate.

It is an emotion and like any other emotion, it is fleeting and temporary.
It will pass as quickly as the thought that created the emotion. It can be sustained only by being produced over and over again by repetative thoughts or in "feedback" (the mind sensing the created emotion and produces thoughts about it) from the emotion itself. HATE is a reaction....

The key to having any emotion such as hate stop dominating your life is to first accept it. The emotion is there so accept it without judgement or wanting it to be other than it is (for how can it be?). From there, you may be able to recognize that it is YOUR reaction to your perceieved life situation. It is not what someone else is doing to you that causes the hate (or any other emotion) but it is your emotional reaction to the event. If you realize that a another person's thoughts, feelings, or words expressed about or to you cannot do harm directly to you, your reactivety will decrease. No or little reaction emotionally, no unpleasant emotions produced. What the human being trains at, he becomes better at.

I do not see hate as an emotion worth continuing. Hate and love are both emotional reactions that can lead to dysfunction in our lives when we perceive them as part of ourselves and permenant states of being.

As with any unpleasant emotion that we create over and over again, we also create a reaction to it. That reaction can be stored up as pain (scar). Pain that we may carry with us all of our lives. Pain that may manifest itself in emotional outbursts or violence of some sort.

allie,

I agree with you on forgiveness. It is an act of total acceptance.


Camber,

In reasearch on the Walkaway Spouse Syndrome, There is not always another real partner waiting in the wings when they walkaway. Sometimes it is just the allure that there must be someone out there to "make" them happy(in spite of themselves). They may be so depressed (bi-polar being one example) that the escape is seen as their only way out of their emotional distress.

Scorn and ME,

You know that I agree with the way you look at Hate.


John