comments and/or advice....

guero · 03-06-2008, 12:48 AM

Hello all....

It's nice to see a community like this exists. It seems like so many people have these kinds of troubles and I guess I'm no different.

Hmmm.... Where to start?
I've been married for 7 years now and have one child. My wife and I do not sleep together (havent for a LONG time) and we rarely even talk. Our relationship went sour so long ago I cant even remember a good time (excepting the very start of course).
It's clear at this point(to me at least), we married too young (hell, I dont even "believe" in marriage now), and had not finished growing into the more stable people we are now (I'm 28 now, she's 30 btw).

I guess it's so hard to contemplate divorce when, at one point, there was surely love present and everything started so well. Years do go by however, and things dont always stay so rosey.

I don't even remember exactly when it started but sometime or the other, our interests and goals and general outlook toward life began to diverge. Too, all the fake arguments we had and the play fights somehow turned real. Granted, the marriage has been rife with financial struggles and this always makes things worse.

Whatever the reason though, we drifted apart emotionally and physically. I can't remember the last time we had sex. She wouldn't if I begged or tried to force (which of course I wouldnt - this is to illustrate a point) her to anyway (or indeed anything in the middle of those extremes). I honestly can never see myself wanting to have sex with her again. She doesnt want to with me either(or anyone at all really).

At one point, we seemed to hate each other. Things did cool down later and we seemed indifferent. Neither of us cared it was over. She has recently showed a renewed interest in saving the marriage however. Not because she loves me or even wants to love me but because of a couple of other things. In no particular order:
1. her religion Id put this in the "somewhat" category (this is a major point of contention otherwise as I'm an atheist and she's christian)
2. Worried what others will think (mostly family).
3. Worried neither of us could make it alone (she has a decent enough job to easily make it now so this one's out for me)
4. Doesnt want to concede failure (neither do I but there it is).
5. Scared. We've both fell into a comfort zone and its scary as hell I guess.
6. Thinks it will be bad for our son (this is the list topper for us both).
For me, I hate the thought of failing and I remember how we used to look at each other (which is not to say I long for it, only that it still hurts somehow) and how I promised to never hurt her this way. As for my son, the more I read and talk to people and think logically about the situation, the more I believe itd be of greater benefit to be good parents separately.

I seem to be getting longwinded so I'll wrap this up. If anyone cares to respond I will appreciate it and add more detail if I need to (such as new loves, cheating stuff etc...). Thanks for your time....

Censored · 03-06-2008, 01:36 AM

Hi geuro

Welcome to eNA!!

I am not a good one to answer this post.

But just wanted to respond to keep the thread alive.

I know for a FACT there are some very experienced and wise people on here that will have been through a similar circumstance and be able to offer you some kind, caring and considerate advice.

I wish you the best of luck.

onewithbooks · 03-06-2008, 01:38 AM

I can understand that the two of you would want to stay a family unit for your son. However, which is better, having two parents who are mature enough to realize that thy dont need to be together and work out an amicable solution, or two parents who stay together and give a twit less about one another?

For me I would rather my child see me in an example of a happy and loving relationship, even if it means going though a divorce to get it.

BeStrongBeHappy · 03-06-2008, 07:33 AM

I think the only answer here is to attend marriage counseling for a while... to either help you discover each other again, or help you both transition out of the marriage.

Sometimes marriages just die on the vine. It could be from lack of nurturing the marriage, or it could be because you married so young you didn't know who the other person (or yourself) was, and you grew up and into people who really don't have much in common.

A marriage should be about support, joy, intimacy, sexual sharing. Not just about raising a child and staying out of fear of the unknown. That is like clinging to a piece of wood from a sinking ship and not swimming for shore. You think you're surviving but you're not. you're still drowning, just slowly.

So please fight first for a full and joyous life. If that means you fight for your marriage, fine. If it means you decide that you can't have that with your particular spouse, that is fine too. But you need to be working towards something more than crushing boredom and disconnection.

surfjon · 03-06-2008, 10:03 AM

I relate to the "married too young" theory.
She was 17 and I was 19 when we started out on our journey, were so crazy for each other for years but things do change, now I'm 42 and she's 40. We were married 20 years and next Thursday will meet to finalize our divorce.

I relate because the last 3 years we slept together in the same bed, yet slept alone.
She left nearly 8 months ago and I died inside when she left.

The first 3 months were agony, the next 3 were trying to accept it when she told me "no chance", the last 2 have been starting to heal, venturing into dating, and starting the divorce procedures.

You may have something that can be salvaged but only you will know that, and like the other replies you've gotten, it's better to take the hard step of separation and have your own lives. You may find you'll be a better parent.

During all these months I've realized we are now better off apart, our time together is concluded, our paths parted and we need to seek new lives yet be businesslike for our kids sake.

I read once.....
"When a marriage is over with children involved, it's like the two sides of a coin,
neither side sees the other, yet they remain together".

You found a good place here, ena saved my life, literally. I staggered in here 3 days after she left, discovered N/C, and started trying to find answers.

there is good advice here, we're all here for you. Post often and read and most of all, try to be cordial and businesslike with her for your childs sake.

It takes time, you do start feeling better though.

I still ebb and flow, I have great weeks and weeks in black pits of regret, but it does get better.

KissnRomance · 03-06-2008, 10:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by guero

Hello all....

It's nice to see a community like this exists. It seems like so many people have these kinds of troubles and I guess I'm no different.

Hmmm.... Where to start?
I've been married for 7 years now and have one child. My wife and I do not sleep together (havent for a LONG time) and we rarely even talk. Our relationship went sour so long ago I cant even remember a good time (excepting the very start of course).
It's clear at this point(to me at least), we married too young (hell, I dont even "believe" in marriage now), and had not finished growing into the more stable people we are now (I'm 28 now, she's 30 btw).

I guess it's so hard to contemplate divorce when, at one point, there was surely love present and everything started so well. Years do go by however, and things dont always stay so rosey.

I don't even remember exactly when it started but sometime or the other, our interests and goals and general outlook toward life began to diverge. Too, all the fake arguments we had and the play fights somehow turned real. Granted, the marriage has been rife with financial struggles and this always makes things worse.

Whatever the reason though, we drifted apart emotionally and physically. I can't remember the last time we had sex. She wouldn't if I begged or tried to force (which of course I wouldnt - this is to illustrate a point) her to anyway (or indeed anything in the middle of those extremes). I honestly can never see myself wanting to have sex with her again. She doesnt want to with me either(or anyone at all really).

At one point, we seemed to hate each other. Things did cool down later and we seemed indifferent. Neither of us cared it was over. She has recently showed a renewed interest in saving the marriage however. Not because she loves me or even wants to love me but because of a couple of other things. In no particular order:
1. her religion Id put this in the "somewhat" category (this is a major point of contention otherwise as I'm an atheist and she's christian)
2. Worried what others will think (mostly family).
3. Worried neither of us could make it alone (she has a decent enough job to easily make it now so this one's out for me)
4. Doesnt want to concede failure (neither do I but there it is).
5. Scared. We've both fell into a comfort zone and its scary as hell I guess.
6. Thinks it will be bad for our son (this is the list topper for us both).
For me, I hate the thought of failing and I remember how we used to look at each other (which is not to say I long for it, only that it still hurts somehow) and how I promised to never hurt her this way. As for my son, the more I read and talk to people and think logically about the situation, the more I believe itd be of greater benefit to be good parents separately.

I seem to be getting longwinded so I'll wrap this up. If anyone cares to respond I will appreciate it and add more detail if I need to (such as new loves, cheating stuff etc...). Thanks for your time....

Hello Quero, I feel so compelled to answer your question though it might not be the most accurate solution you are looking fo right now. Some relationship tend to turn sour with time due to lack of nuturing and other thousand reasons, but the thing is at this kind of tough point what does, each partner want.

It hurts to see the one you love being a stranger in your eyes, you seem to want to blame yourself for so many things and you wish to want to have the past back but the question is always the same thing, what does each of you want. You said your partner is showing interest of wanting to make your marriage work for reasons other than her love for you. Well this is a huge mistake because is like she is planning for both of you to live a very miserable lives together, a live that is worst than what both of you have been going through.

A relationship can only be saved if both partners involve genuinely want to make the change, to want to love each other again. If you are scared of falling and you want to remain in a dead relationship because of that, then you are apparently digging your own grave. You have to do what you think is really right for you, not what others will think of you both.

I hope you find the strength to move on with your life if you feel like it. And you shouldn't ever think of staying together because of your son.

guero · 03-06-2008, 11:56 AM

Wow. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the prompt replies!
It's nice to see people who actually want to be helpful and not (only) judgmental.

Most of the stuff you guys were saying, deep down, I know already. I think at these points in our lives, we all really do. That said, It really does help to get other perspectives on things.

How the heck do you move on? I really thought the advice from bestrongbehappy about marriage counseling (to get out) was a good idea but.... She wont go for it. I've tried to talk about it before but its no use. She has repeatedly said, "if you would act like (or go back to being etc) the person I married, everything would be ok." Maddening.

I hate the feeling of being in TOTAL control of someone else [or at least another (supposedly) independent adult]. If I wanted to act a certain way and if I said, "everything is great", then it would be. How do I know this? Well, I told her that I held all the power in the relationship as in - If I decide its worth saving then it'll be saved or if I conform to your exact ideal everything will be fine - guess what? She didn't argue and even acted like she saw sense in it. I don't know.... It just seems like she either a)has no real emotional feelings and doesn't care either way(its not true but seems this way sometimes) or b) has feelings but acts like she doesn't care if she's truly happy out of fear of change.

Anyway, I guess people like to rant on and on about their situations so I'll stop....for now! It's just really REALLY refreshing to have somebody, anybody to vent to. Family (as it turns out) are the worst "listeners" and friends don't really give a damn, so.... whaddaya do?

Again, thanks a lot for the quick, kind replies. I look forward to anything else you guys might have to say and surfjon, I'll do my best to post often - even when it doesn't pertain to my situ!

03-06-2008, 12:48 AM	#1
guero Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 2	comments and/or advice.... Hello all.... It's nice to see a community like this exists. It seems like so many people have these kinds of troubles and I guess I'm no different. Hmmm.... Where to start? I've been married for 7 years now and have one child. My wife and I do not sleep together (havent for a LONG time) and we rarely even talk. Our relationship went sour so long ago I cant even remember a good time (excepting the very start of course). It's clear at this point(to me at least), we married too young (hell, I dont even "believe" in marriage now), and had not finished growing into the more stable people we are now (I'm 28 now, she's 30 btw). I guess it's so hard to contemplate divorce when, at one point, there was surely love present and everything started so well. Years do go by however, and things dont always stay so rosey. I don't even remember exactly when it started but sometime or the other, our interests and goals and general outlook toward life began to diverge. Too, all the fake arguments we had and the play fights somehow turned real. Granted, the marriage has been rife with financial struggles and this always makes things worse. Whatever the reason though, we drifted apart emotionally and physically. I can't remember the last time we had sex. She wouldn't if I begged or tried to force (which of course I wouldnt - this is to illustrate a point) her to anyway (or indeed anything in the middle of those extremes). I honestly can never see myself wanting to have sex with her again. She doesnt want to with me either(or anyone at all really). At one point, we seemed to hate each other. Things did cool down later and we seemed indifferent. Neither of us cared it was over. She has recently showed a renewed interest in saving the marriage however. Not because she loves me or even wants to love me but because of a couple of other things. In no particular order: 1. her religion Id put this in the "somewhat" category (this is a major point of contention otherwise as I'm an atheist and she's christian) 2. Worried what others will think (mostly family). 3. Worried neither of us could make it alone (she has a decent enough job to easily make it now so this one's out for me) 4. Doesnt want to concede failure (neither do I but there it is). 5. Scared. We've both fell into a comfort zone and its scary as hell I guess. 6. Thinks it will be bad for our son (this is the list topper for us both). For me, I hate the thought of failing and I remember how we used to look at each other (which is not to say I long for it, only that it still hurts somehow) and how I promised to never hurt her this way. As for my son, the more I read and talk to people and think logically about the situation, the more I believe itd be of greater benefit to be good parents separately. I seem to be getting longwinded so I'll wrap this up. If anyone cares to respond I will appreciate it and add more detail if I need to (such as new loves, cheating stuff etc...). Thanks for your time....

03-06-2008, 01:38 AM	#3
onewithbooks Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,587	I can understand that the two of you would want to stay a family unit for your son. However, which is better, having two parents who are mature enough to realize that thy dont need to be together and work out an amicable solution, or two parents who stay together and give a twit less about one another? For me I would rather my child see me in an example of a happy and loving relationship, even if it means going though a divorce to get it. __________________ I sit alone and watch the clock Trying to collect my thoughts And all I think about is you If you Believe in me life is not always what it seems Believe in me Cause I was made for chasing dreams Believe in me I know you've waited for so long Believe in me Sometimes the weak become the strong

03-06-2008, 10:03 AM	#5
surfjon Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Palm Beach County, Fla. Gender: Male Posts: 560	I relate to the "married too young" theory. She was 17 and I was 19 when we started out on our journey, were so crazy for each other for years but things do change, now I'm 42 and she's 40. We were married 20 years and next Thursday will meet to finalize our divorce. I relate because the last 3 years we slept together in the same bed, yet slept alone. She left nearly 8 months ago and I died inside when she left. The first 3 months were agony, the next 3 were trying to accept it when she told me "no chance", the last 2 have been starting to heal, venturing into dating, and starting the divorce procedures. You may have something that can be salvaged but only you will know that, and like the other replies you've gotten, it's better to take the hard step of separation and have your own lives. You may find you'll be a better parent. During all these months I've realized we are now better off apart, our time together is concluded, our paths parted and we need to seek new lives yet be businesslike for our kids sake. I read once..... "When a marriage is over with children involved, it's like the two sides of a coin, neither side sees the other, yet they remain together". You found a good place here, ena saved my life, literally. I staggered in here 3 days after she left, discovered N/C, and started trying to find answers. there is good advice here, we're all here for you. Post often and read and most of all, try to be cordial and businesslike with her for your childs sake. It takes time, you do start feeling better though. I still ebb and flow, I have great weeks and weeks in black pits of regret, but it does get better. __________________ Shut up and play............. check out my music and let me know what you think!! www.myspace.com/jontgilbert

03-06-2008, 01:36 AM	#2
Censored Offline Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Floating in a dirty puddle called bliss. Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 1,326	Hi geuro Welcome to eNA!! I am not a good one to answer this post. But just wanted to respond to keep the thread alive. I know for a FACT there are some very experienced and wise people on here that will have been through a similar circumstance and be able to offer you some kind, caring and considerate advice. I wish you the best of luck.

03-06-2008, 07:33 AM	#4
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	I think the only answer here is to attend marriage counseling for a while... to either help you discover each other again, or help you both transition out of the marriage. Sometimes marriages just die on the vine. It could be from lack of nurturing the marriage, or it could be because you married so young you didn't know who the other person (or yourself) was, and you grew up and into people who really don't have much in common. A marriage should be about support, joy, intimacy, sexual sharing. Not just about raising a child and staying out of fear of the unknown. That is like clinging to a piece of wood from a sinking ship and not swimming for shore. You think you're surviving but you're not. you're still drowning, just slowly. So please fight first for a full and joyous life. If that means you fight for your marriage, fine. If it means you decide that you can't have that with your particular spouse, that is fine too. But you need to be working towards something more than crushing boredom and disconnection.

03-06-2008, 11:56 AM	#7
guero Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 2	Wow. Thanks everyone. I really appreciate the prompt replies! It's nice to see people who actually want to be helpful and not (only) judgmental. Most of the stuff you guys were saying, deep down, I know already. I think at these points in our lives, we all really do. That said, It really does help to get other perspectives on things. How the heck do you move on? I really thought the advice from bestrongbehappy about marriage counseling (to get out) was a good idea but.... She wont go for it. I've tried to talk about it before but its no use. She has repeatedly said, "if you would act like (or go back to being etc) the person I married, everything would be ok." Maddening. I hate the feeling of being in TOTAL control of someone else [or at least another (supposedly) independent adult]. If I wanted to act a certain way and if I said, "everything is great", then it would be. How do I know this? Well, I told her that I held all the power in the relationship as in - If I decide its worth saving then it'll be saved or if I conform to your exact ideal everything will be fine - guess what? She didn't argue and even acted like she saw sense in it. I don't know.... It just seems like she either a)has no real emotional feelings and doesn't care either way(its not true but seems this way sometimes) or b) has feelings but acts like she doesn't care if she's truly happy out of fear of change. Anyway, I guess people like to rant on and on about their situations so I'll stop....for now! It's just really REALLY refreshing to have somebody, anybody to vent to. Family (as it turns out) are the worst "listeners" and friends don't really give a damn, so.... whaddaya do? Again, thanks a lot for the quick, kind replies. I look forward to anything else you guys might have to say and surfjon, I'll do my best to post often - even when it doesn't pertain to my situ!