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  1. #1
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    She doesn’t say I love you nearly as much anymore...

    My gf of 6 months used to say I love you all the time - every other e-mail, used to text me randomly saying it, everything. Now I hear it once a day, when we get off the phone at night. I asked her how come, she said she doesn’t know, almost like she didn’t realize it.

    She still talks about “our kids” and when we get married and everything, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

    Last weekend I was on her computer doing some work and I did a google search for something. When you punch in the first letter, all other searches done starting with that letter show up. One of them said “Is it love, or do I love the idea of ‘us’?”. It worried me, so I brought it up and asked her if there was something she needed to talk about. She said she didn’t even remember typing that in, so if she did do it, it was either referring to her ex when they were dating, or really early on when we started dating. She told me I could always come to her about that sort of thing since we should be able to communicate as a couple, and said she has no doubts about me and that she loves me.

    So what is it? Do people just stop saying it as much like that? Or am I just thinking too much into it? I know she’s always thinking about school and what she wants to do with her life, so maybe that’s why - her mind’s preoccupied with that?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member BellaDonna's Avatar
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    I think it is somewhat common to say "I love you" a little bit less as a relationship progresses. Many times it is just assumed that the other person "knows" that you love them.

    It's kind of sad, actually. I think couples should fight these assumptions and try to keep the romance deliberately saying "I love you" often.


    She still talks about “our kids” and when we get married and everything, so I’m not sure what’s going on.
    Then she loves you and sees a future with you.

    What happens when you say it to her first? Perhaps that is what she is waiting for????

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  3. #3
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    I don't know...I see two possibilities.

    She loves the idea of love. When she was saying it early on before even really KNOWING you, it was more about saying I love the feelings I have of being head over heels or the excitement. She may associate "love" with that excitement and initial rush.

    Or, she loves you, but does not feel the need to say it all the time. Love is not just about words, it is also actions. Early on just saying "I love you" is exciting and "enough" but as time goes on, its the whole package that really matters. For example, this morning my boyfriend shoveled a path for me to the car (for second time this week) as though there was no time to shovel he wanted me to have a path to get to the door (I normally shovel too but we did not have time today). That was saying "I love you". Me saying "thank you" for that was saying "I love you". When I fold the laundry, I fold his clothes differently than I fold mine as I know that is the way he likes them folded; that is my way of saying "I love you". There are so many different ways. It's not all about the words.

    We probably say some form of verbal "love you" each day - usually in morning and before we go to sleep, and will sign emails off with a "ly" for short, but we say it in actions in many, many more ways through each day.
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  4. #4
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Well, when it’s an e-mail, I used to get “I love you” back all the time, now I don’t. When I say it first, I get it back every time. And at night, she always says it first. And I know it’s also about actions. I had 3 hours last weekend to myself after I drove her to babysitting, and I decided to surprise her by cleaning her apartment because she had a lot on her mind and I know that that was one of the things. I’m sick and even though she had tons of homework to do she offered to drive 30 miles up to my place to bring me soup.

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  6. #5

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    Quote Originally Posted by boofie75 View Post
    My gf of 6 months used to say I love you all the time - every other e-mail, used to text me randomly saying it, everything. Now I hear it once a day, when we get off the phone at night. I asked her how come, she said she doesn’t know, almost like she didn’t realize it.

    She still talks about “our kids” and when we get married and everything, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

    Last weekend I was on her computer doing some work and I did a google search for something. When you punch in the first letter, all other searches done starting with that letter show up. One of them said “Is it love, or do I love the idea of ‘us’?”. It worried me, so I brought it up and asked her if there was something she needed to talk about. She said she didn’t even remember typing that in, so if she did do it, it was either referring to her ex when they were dating, or really early on when we started dating. She told me I could always come to her about that sort of thing since we should be able to communicate as a couple, and said she has no doubts about me and that she loves me.

    So what is it? Do people just stop saying it as much like that? Or am I just thinking too much into it? I know she’s always thinking about school and what she wants to do with her life, so maybe that’s why - her mind’s preoccupied with that?
    Stop this line of thinking ASAP! ... for your own sake. Questioning someone's love for you, especially in a newer relationship should be kept to an absolute minimum. Why?

    No matter how much you are in love with someone, you can't always feel "in love" 24/7. Sometimes, you will feel bored, annoyed, pissed off, upset, ambivilent, etc. We're not machines, and our feelings aren't static. So, if you're asking your parter "how much do you love me?" and "Do you still love me as much?" and all this rigamaroll, you may not like the answer you get in return. This puts pressure on your partner now to try to feel something that he/she may or may not feel at the present moment.

    Pressure = romance killer. Relaxation = romance maker.

    Please don't forget that. Don't pressure people to say "I love you" or to worry about how many times they've said it. Some people love each other very much and almost never say it. So, when they do hear it then it tends to mean that much more. If you say it all the time, like "hello there!" then what does it mean?

    I love crabmeat enchiladas, but if I had to eat them 3x a day, every day, for years and months then I'd HATE them. Love is no different. Relax. let it grow on its own accord. Don't try to control it. If it's real love then it won't go away. It will still be there.

    Don't overwater your love plant! Plants need water to grow, and they love water, but give your plant too much water and it dies.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Seymore's Avatar
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    Dammit, you're right! That post just made me think of my parents - I haven't heard them say "I love you" to each other in the last 10 years (I'm sure they do, just not much), and they JUST had their 30-year anniversary. I'm such an idiot sometimes. Thanks for putting things in perspective, jettison!

    It's just gotten to me because all of a sudden it dropped off almost completely. I mean like over a weekend. Every morning I send her an e-mail to start her day off and always tell her I love her at the end. All of a sudden now, she almost never says it back in her e-mails, plus her e-mails are like 2 sentences now, unless something goes wrong in her life, then it's a page.

    Anyway, the last 2 weeks I pretty much never hear it from her in her e-mails. She insisted nothing's wrong though, and while my gut tells me something's up, I'll take her word for it.
    Last edited by Seymore; 03-05-2008 at 04:53 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member tiredofvampires's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by boofie75 View Post
    It's just gotten to me because all of a sudden it dropped off almost completely. I mean like over a weekend. Every morning I send her an e-mail to start her day off and always tell her I love her at the end. All of a sudden now, she almost never says it back in her e-mails, plus her e-mails are like 2 sentences now, unless something goes wrong in her life, then it's a page.
    As the courtship phase of your relationship mellows out into more security and familiarity, some of the peaks of the beginning fury start to become less steep -- and consequently, you will feel like you don't need to peddle as hard to keep the other person's "interest." Whereas before she may have felt she needed to fan the fire with a certain quota of emailing (and the honeymoon was at its most intense, at the beginning), now she feels more secure in this relationship to let some things be left unsaid or to attend to her business and balance it with her commitment to you by not e-mailing as much. I think this is a sign of ease and trust in a relationship, so long as the person continues to be regularly demonstrative in other ways (which it sounds like she's being!)

    There is nothing more suffocating and eventually numbing as hearing "I love you" multiple times in a conversation or day, for me, personally. I do feel it's a wonderful and important thing to say, but yes -- it's like cardamom. Ever bake with cardomom? It's such a potent spice that you can only put a pinch in a batch of cookies without it overpowering everything. A dash of cardomom makes the dish, but more than a dash and it's just unpalatable. And perhaps it suddenly hit her that she had overdosed on that spice, love. That's happened to me before, and sometimes suddenly. If you can stand one more analogy on this thread, it's like how if you have a craving for macaroni and cheese, and you gorge yourself for 3 days in a row, suddenly you go "Uh, that was too much all of a sudden!" and naturally your instincts tell you to back off and go more moderately next time. This might be what happened to her with the "I love yous" and the "sudden" about-face.

    My ex said "I love you" and related catch-lines so often, I felt kind of quesy, but it left me in a bind: because if I didn't say it, it looked one-sided and I looked less afffectionate by comparison. And it started to make me feel guilty for just wanting to say it less so it would be more impactful when said. It set up a "having to toe the 'I love you' line", something that brought back rather icky memories of high school loves; having to prove my love like that. Please don't make these mistakes.

    Take it easy, dude.
    Last edited by tiredofvampires; 03-05-2008 at 05:43 PM.
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  9. #8
    Quote Originally Posted by tiredofvampires View Post
    As the courtship phase of your relationship mellows out into more security and familiarity, some of the peaks of the beginning fury start to become less steep -- and consequently, you will feel like you don't need to peddle as hard to keep the other person's "interest." Whereas before she may have felt she needed to fan the fire with a certain quota of emailing (and the honeymoon was at its most intense, at the beginning), now she feels more secure in this relationship to let some things be left unsaid or to attend to her business and balance it with her commitment to you by not e-mailing as much. I think this is a sign of ease and trust in a relationship, so long as the person continues to be regularly demonstrative in other ways (which it sounds like she's being!)

    There is nothing more suffocating and eventually numbing as hearing "I love you" multiple times in a conversation or day, for me, personally. I do feel it's a wonderful and important thing to say, but yes -- it's like cardamom. Ever bake with cardomom? It's such a potent spice that you can only put a pinch in a batch of cookies without it overpowering everything. A dash of cardomom makes the dish, but more than a dash and it's just unpalatable. And perhaps it suddenly hit her that she had overdosed on that spice, love. That's happened to me before, and sometimes suddenly. If you can stand one more analogy on this thread, it's like how if you have a craving for macaroni and cheese, and you gorge yourself for 3 days in a row, suddenly you go "Uh, that was too much all of a sudden!" and naturally your instincts tell you to back off and go more moderately next time. This might be what happened to her with the "I love yous" and the "sudden" about-face.

    My ex said "I love you" and related catch-lines so often, I felt kind of quesy, but it left me in a bind: because if I didn't say it, it looked one-sided and I looked less afffectionate by comparison. And it started to make me feel guilty for just wanting to say it less so it would be more impactful when said. It set up a "having to toe the 'I love you' line", something that brought back rather icky memories of high school loves; having to prove my love like that. Please don't make these mistakes.

    Take it easy, dude.
    Sorry to bump a 3+ year old thread but this post really helped me

    I'm kinda going thru the same thing that the guy that started the thread was and after reading this I feel a million times better.

    Some background...

    I'm 39 years old and getting a divorce and I recently met an awesome woman, a year younger, that wants all of the same things I do in a relationship and life. We started out texting and emailing all day long, every 5 minutes. After a week or two it was baby this and honey that and then after a month the I love you's started flying (it was said in person first). It's been a few months now and the time between texts and emails has grown to a few hours and she doesn't always reply with I love you if I say it to her first and the honeys and babys have dried up a little and it made me worry that maybe she didn't feel the way I did anymore. It's made me increasingly worried that something was wrong and I don't want to lose her. But after reading this last post I started thinking, TiredofVamps is right, there's a security and comfortability that we've established and don't need to be like 14 yo school kids with with our first boyfriend/girlfriend. Everything else is great with us otherwise and I understand now that it's my hangup, maybe because of the impending divorce that I needed to constantly hear that I'm loved, my ex had checked out of the marriage a long time before it ended.

    Whatever the reason, thank you, you just calmed my nerves and made me think about it rationally and I'm fixed. I'm bookmarking this thread to come back to whenever I need a little pep talk if I waver

  10. #9
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    Good for u Gino! Been there and done that too. Just remember that actions speak louder than words

  11. #10

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    I also have this problem. It's been 9 months since we are together. Recently, she too seldom says I love you, even in a good night message. I am getting kind of worry. I am okay if she didn't say I love u during the day, but in the nite, it's a No-NO for me! She has been spending more time with the TV than me. FOr the record, we are not staying together and we don't see each other often, especially these 2 months. I need some advise, I just want her to talk to me more often... When I sent a text and she did not reply, it made me feel that i am annoying to her. I am starting to feel insecure.

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