Uneven share of chores around the house

marriedwithquestions · 03-03-2008, 02:22 PM

I'm 26, my wife is 22. We got married back in July but have been living together for probably a year and a half now. She was in school and had a part time job during most of this time, but just recently graduated college in December. School and work together make someone busy, I understand that. Plus we were planning for our wedding. So during that time to help out I would do a lot of the housework. Now, after getting married, she's really not picking up slack around the house. I have to constantly remind her to do laundry for us. There are massive piles of dirty and clean clothes on the floor in our bedroom and theres barely any space on the carpet for me to walk. If I ever say, can you do laundry, she'll say sure, but then not do it. If I point this out, she'll get very upset and start yelling "you're not my parent!!" at me. So as a result I have to complain about not having clean clothes and then go around wearing dirty clothes just so she'll get off the computer and go do some laundry. And then, it never gets folded, just dumped in a pile on the bed so I have to come in and either put them in a pile somewhere or fold them myself.

Now what you're thinking may be, well I'm not doing my share. I am the only one who ever does dishes, takes out trash, and the only person who ever folds clothes and puts them away. I have a full time job, and I come home to see that my house is a worse mess than when I left it. Dirty dishes, cups, trash everywhere, and she acts like it's my duty to take care of it. I'm really getting sick of it because it seems like I can't say anything about it.

I'm considering making like a chart with chores on it that splits up responsibilities per person and day, so for example monday is my day to do laundry, tuesday is hers, etc. I'm afraid shes going to blow up about it though. Any thoughts?

metrogirl · 03-03-2008, 02:26 PM

Personally, I would just do my own laundry and let her run around in dirty clothes.

**BellaDonna** · 03-03-2008, 02:32 PM

Hi and welcome to enotalone.

Quote:

I am the only one who ever does dishes, takes out trash, and the only person who ever folds clothes and puts them away. I have a full time job, and I come home to see that my house is a worse mess than when I left it. Dirty dishes, cups, trash everywhere, and she acts like it's my duty to take care of it.

I know the feeling. I have been having some similar issues in my marriage.

Quote:

I'm considering making like a chart with chores on it that splits up responsibilities per person and day, so for example monday is my day to do laundry, tuesday is hers, etc. I'm afraid shes going to blow up about it though. Any thoughts?

Your chart/schedule idea is a good one. However you have to be very careful in how you approach it. Don't make it an attack on her, or she will get very defensive and you will get nowhere. A potential way to approach it is:

"This laundry situation is not working for me. I find it very stressful...... how do you feel about it? - I was hoping that we could work together to figure out a solution"

Don't forget to schedule one day on that chart for the both of you not worry about chores and to spend quality time together.

juicey · 03-03-2008, 02:33 PM

Your post does sound parental and condescending, perhaps your wife picks up on that too. Especially the part that you are going to come up with a list, don't you think your wife should have some input in that too? It should not be left up to just you deciding what chores each of you are going to do.

Perhaps she doesn't like doing laundry. If you can come to a compromise, say you do laundry and she does dishes? I think you need to have a conversation with her and come to an understanding of who does what. Keep in mind, her version of clean maybe different than yours.

Personally, I can't understand why you see all the clothes dirty and have not done anything about either. Certainly you can wash your own clothes?

angelsoft · 03-03-2008, 02:40 PM

You mentioned that she uses the computer a lot. Who takes care of the computer (administrator duties)? If it's you, than you should lock the computer up on her for a few days so she won't have anything to do. That might give her some initiative to do some housework. hehe (lol).

I am also going to suggest that you do your own laundry. If she wants some done, she'll do it.

Does she even work now?

**BellaDonna** · 03-03-2008, 02:41 PM

Quote:

You mentioned that she uses the computer a lot. Who takes care of the computer (administrator duties)? If it's you, than you should lock the computer up on her for a few days so she won't have anything to do.

I think that would only make her accuse him of being even more "parental". If you are dealing with 2 adults, I think it's best to assume that they can reach a solution together, without resorting to passive-aggressive tactics.

I'm sorry, I am not trying to pick on what you wrote, but I just want to point out that it probably won't bring about the outcome he is looking for.

Gratsy · 03-03-2008, 02:43 PM

Is there a way to sit her down and say, "listen, how do you want to handle the issue of laundry? I do _____ and I thought that you'd do the laundry, but you haven't. Is there a better alternative that would work for you?"
But yeah, doing your own laundry and letting her do her own sounds like a good solution.

angelsoft · 03-03-2008, 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BellaDonna

I think that would only make her accuse him of being even more "parental". If you are dealing with 2 adults, I think it's best to assume that they can reach a solution together, without resorting to passive-aggressive tactics.

I'm sorry, I am not trying to pick on what you wrote, but I just want to point out that it probably won't bring about the outcome he is looking for.

I'm not hijacking the her thread, but my boyfriend has done that to me. Does anyone else find that controlling?

sophie274 · 03-03-2008, 02:46 PM

Any chance she would rather do dishes and have you do the laundry? Have you two ever talked about the breakdown of chores? Also, what is her job situation right now?

It sounds like you need to sit down and figure out who would rather do which chores, and then "assign" them. I would not make a chart without talking to her - seems a bit passive-aggressive.

angelsoft · 03-03-2008, 03:00 PM

Relationships are supposed to based on a 50/50 scale. Not 20/80 like she seems to be getting away with. You need to express yourself to her. Tell her how you're feeling. It is not OK that you pick up all the slack. She needs to grow up. I really think you should take the PC away, at least until she acts old enough to take care of her responsibilities. It's not a bad idea. I was OK with it when my boyfriend did it to me. Yeah, at first I was like, he is treating me like a child, but I finally got some stuff done and he actually helped me come out of this depression that I got myself in by taking it away from me. I was seriously addicted to the PC--still am, but now I don't let it interfer with what I have to do.

She might complain that you are acting like a "parental" figure at first, but if she wants to act like a child than I guess she has no choice.

03-03-2008, 02:22 PM	#1
marriedwithquestions Offline Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 2	Uneven share of chores around the house I'm 26, my wife is 22. We got married back in July but have been living together for probably a year and a half now. She was in school and had a part time job during most of this time, but just recently graduated college in December. School and work together make someone busy, I understand that. Plus we were planning for our wedding. So during that time to help out I would do a lot of the housework. Now, after getting married, she's really not picking up slack around the house. I have to constantly remind her to do laundry for us. There are massive piles of dirty and clean clothes on the floor in our bedroom and theres barely any space on the carpet for me to walk. If I ever say, can you do laundry, she'll say sure, but then not do it. If I point this out, she'll get very upset and start yelling "you're not my parent!!" at me. So as a result I have to complain about not having clean clothes and then go around wearing dirty clothes just so she'll get off the computer and go do some laundry. And then, it never gets folded, just dumped in a pile on the bed so I have to come in and either put them in a pile somewhere or fold them myself. Now what you're thinking may be, well I'm not doing my share. I am the only one who ever does dishes, takes out trash, and the only person who ever folds clothes and puts them away. I have a full time job, and I come home to see that my house is a worse mess than when I left it. Dirty dishes, cups, trash everywhere, and she acts like it's my duty to take care of it. I'm really getting sick of it because it seems like I can't say anything about it. I'm considering making like a chart with chores on it that splits up responsibilities per person and day, so for example monday is my day to do laundry, tuesday is hers, etc. I'm afraid shes going to blow up about it though. Any thoughts?

03-03-2008, 02:26 PM	#2
metrogirl Online Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: SGV Gender: Female Age: 39 Posts: 4,687	Personally, I would just do my own laundry and let her run around in dirty clothes. __________________ Whether one believes in a religion or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion. Dalai Lama Any hope I had for my Seahawks flew out the window when I heard Lofa Tatupu will be out for the rest of the season. (sighs) They call me Ghettro.......Well Scorpion Fury does anyway. LOL

03-03-2008, 02:33 PM	#4
juicey Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Dec 2007 Posts: 188	Your post does sound parental and condescending, perhaps your wife picks up on that too. Especially the part that you are going to come up with a list, don't you think your wife should have some input in that too? It should not be left up to just you deciding what chores each of you are going to do. Perhaps she doesn't like doing laundry. If you can come to a compromise, say you do laundry and she does dishes? I think you need to have a conversation with her and come to an understanding of who does what. Keep in mind, her version of clean maybe different than yours. Personally, I can't understand why you see all the clothes dirty and have not done anything about either. Certainly you can wash your own clothes?

03-03-2008, 02:40 PM	#5
angelsoft Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 243	You mentioned that she uses the computer a lot. Who takes care of the computer (administrator duties)? If it's you, than you should lock the computer up on her for a few days so she won't have anything to do. That might give her some initiative to do some housework. hehe (lol). I am also going to suggest that you do your own laundry. If she wants some done, she'll do it. Does she even work now?

03-03-2008, 02:43 PM	#7
Gratsy Offline Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 2,436	Is there a way to sit her down and say, "listen, how do you want to handle the issue of laundry? I do _____ and I thought that you'd do the laundry, but you haven't. Is there a better alternative that would work for you?" But yeah, doing your own laundry and letting her do her own sounds like a good solution.

03-03-2008, 02:46 PM	#9
sophie274 Online Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 2,062	Any chance she would rather do dishes and have you do the laundry? Have you two ever talked about the breakdown of chores? Also, what is her job situation right now? It sounds like you need to sit down and figure out who would rather do which chores, and then "assign" them. I would not make a chart without talking to her - seems a bit passive-aggressive.

03-03-2008, 03:00 PM	#10
angelsoft Offline Silver Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 243	Relationships are supposed to based on a 50/50 scale. Not 20/80 like she seems to be getting away with. You need to express yourself to her. Tell her how you're feeling. It is not OK that you pick up all the slack. She needs to grow up. I really think you should take the PC away, at least until she acts old enough to take care of her responsibilities. It's not a bad idea. I was OK with it when my boyfriend did it to me. Yeah, at first I was like, he is treating me like a child, but I finally got some stuff done and he actually helped me come out of this depression that I got myself in by taking it away from me. I was seriously addicted to the PC--still am, but now I don't let it interfer with what I have to do. She might complain that you are acting like a "parental" figure at first, but if she wants to act like a child than I guess she has no choice.