The mother is number 1, the wife second best...

android12 · 02-22-2008, 02:50 AM

something came up this morning regarding our relationship in the future. i joked around with the m word and it obviously triggered something that made him tell me that he would put his mother before his wife. now we have only been together for 10 months so its not a step that would be coming up any time soon but that comment really upset me and got me thinking...

he said that his mum has worked so hard all her life, 5:30am to 7pm everyday, alone while her husband is in another country, buying and sending back here all the stock they need for the shop they own. she has brought up 4 kids basically on her own and they are all grown up now. her daughter got married last week and moved out, and soon enough so will the other 3 - 1 being my bf. he told me he'd want her to stay with him at his house so he could take care of her but putting his mum over his wife? he said she'd be number 1 and the wife would be number 2, even though he loves his wife completely, he feels he has to put back in to his mother for supporting and nurturing him all his life. i understand all this but IF i were the wife...i dunno if id wanna be in a relationship where i'd always be second best. its not like im selfish and wanna be centre of attention but having to always compete with the mother...

im just a lil hurt and upset and dont really know what to do/think/say. when he told me, i went quiet and he asked me what i was thinking. i told him i needed some time to think and he kept telling me he felt guilty and like an a-hole. i know his intentions are pure - he wants to support his mum, i can relate cos my mum brought my bro and i up by herself but i just dunno about the whole thing.

i tried to think about if the roles were reversed...id take care of my mum but my husband comes first...the husband and future kids are the new family and i wouldnt discard them to take care of my mum. any thoughts/suggestions/advice? please dont tell me to break up with him, cos it wont happen. its taken me ages to find someone who is a true match with me and i believe this issue can be talking and sorted out and come to some sort of comprimise. if nothing can be done then i spose i need to think about staying with him or finding myself another...

Aleadragonhawk · 02-22-2008, 03:44 AM

I get where he's coming from, but I also think that your concerns are valid. For a marriage to work it has to be the top priority - marriage is extremely hard and takes a lot of effort to maintain, and if that effort is going to someone else and isn't being given to the marriage, then something is wrong. Resist the temptation to brush this under the rug. It's important to face and consider, because he's made his priorities in life clear, and those aren't likely to change.

Zuko · 02-22-2008, 03:34 PM

I agree with Aleadragonhawk. I understand that he's very grateful to his mother... but in order for a marriage to work, both parties have to give it 100%.

I wouldn't freak just yet, since marriage isn't in your plans. But if he still feels this way 2 or 3 years ago, I'd have a serious discussion. Parents take care of their kids because they love them. Good parents will give their children the best lives they possibly can. The best parents are happy for their children when they find someone they can be totally committed to.

If I were his mother, I'd be happy that my son sees me in such a positive light, but I think I'd also be sad. I mean, this sounds borderline unhealthy.

Another thing. He may not feel the same way in a few years as he does now. I wouldn't worry about this for a little while longer.

frail · 02-23-2008, 11:38 AM

My ex was the same exact way. Only more like everyone in his entire family will come first before me. I dunno why i stuck around. It ended at his sisters wedding when I spent the whole evening sitting by myself, driving myself to the church and reception by myself, running errands for the wedding. Then at the reception, he didn't even bother to ask me to dance until he danced with like 10 other girls. Granted they were family members but i didn't know who they were. He didn't even bother to introduce me to them. I figured if he wanted to marry me like he said he did, he'd have me on him arm for at least part of the night. And even though i understood most of these family members he hadn't seen in quite a while, i still deserved some attention. And when i got upset about it, he got mad at me! Of corse! Ugh.

I'm not saying there something wrong with loving your mom that much. My dad raised me by himself. He is a wonderful man and i love him to death. But the day i have to choose between my husband and my dad, well, it just depends on whats going on and what the situation is. But i hope it never comes to that. My husband will be JUST AS important as everyone else in my family.

I am sorry he is doing this to you.

02-22-2008, 02:50 AM	#1
android12 Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Australia Gender: Female Age: 22 Posts: 348	The mother is number 1, the wife second best... something came up this morning regarding our relationship in the future. i joked around with the m word and it obviously triggered something that made him tell me that he would put his mother before his wife. now we have only been together for 10 months so its not a step that would be coming up any time soon but that comment really upset me and got me thinking... he said that his mum has worked so hard all her life, 5:30am to 7pm everyday, alone while her husband is in another country, buying and sending back here all the stock they need for the shop they own. she has brought up 4 kids basically on her own and they are all grown up now. her daughter got married last week and moved out, and soon enough so will the other 3 - 1 being my bf. he told me he'd want her to stay with him at his house so he could take care of her but putting his mum over his wife? he said she'd be number 1 and the wife would be number 2, even though he loves his wife completely, he feels he has to put back in to his mother for supporting and nurturing him all his life. i understand all this but IF i were the wife...i dunno if id wanna be in a relationship where i'd always be second best. its not like im selfish and wanna be centre of attention but having to always compete with the mother... im just a lil hurt and upset and dont really know what to do/think/say. when he told me, i went quiet and he asked me what i was thinking. i told him i needed some time to think and he kept telling me he felt guilty and like an a-hole. i know his intentions are pure - he wants to support his mum, i can relate cos my mum brought my bro and i up by herself but i just dunno about the whole thing. i tried to think about if the roles were reversed...id take care of my mum but my husband comes first...the husband and future kids are the new family and i wouldnt discard them to take care of my mum. any thoughts/suggestions/advice? please dont tell me to break up with him, cos it wont happen. its taken me ages to find someone who is a true match with me and i believe this issue can be talking and sorted out and come to some sort of comprimise. if nothing can be done then i spose i need to think about staying with him or finding myself another...

02-23-2008, 11:38 AM	#4
frail Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Michigan Gender: Female Age: 26 Posts: 108	My ex was the same exact way. Only more like everyone in his entire family will come first before me. I dunno why i stuck around. It ended at his sisters wedding when I spent the whole evening sitting by myself, driving myself to the church and reception by myself, running errands for the wedding. Then at the reception, he didn't even bother to ask me to dance until he danced with like 10 other girls. Granted they were family members but i didn't know who they were. He didn't even bother to introduce me to them. I figured if he wanted to marry me like he said he did, he'd have me on him arm for at least part of the night. And even though i understood most of these family members he hadn't seen in quite a while, i still deserved some attention. And when i got upset about it, he got mad at me! Of corse! Ugh. I'm not saying there something wrong with loving your mom that much. My dad raised me by himself. He is a wonderful man and i love him to death. But the day i have to choose between my husband and my dad, well, it just depends on whats going on and what the situation is. But i hope it never comes to that. My husband will be JUST AS important as everyone else in my family. I am sorry he is doing this to you. __________________ A leopard never changes his spots. You can only love people as they are. If you think they are going to change, you will be disappointed.

02-22-2008, 03:44 AM	#2
Aleadragonhawk Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 1,424	I get where he's coming from, but I also think that your concerns are valid. For a marriage to work it has to be the top priority - marriage is extremely hard and takes a lot of effort to maintain, and if that effort is going to someone else and isn't being given to the marriage, then something is wrong. Resist the temptation to brush this under the rug. It's important to face and consider, because he's made his priorities in life clear, and those aren't likely to change.

02-22-2008, 03:34 PM	#3
Zuko Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 2	I agree with Aleadragonhawk. I understand that he's very grateful to his mother... but in order for a marriage to work, both parties have to give it 100%. I wouldn't freak just yet, since marriage isn't in your plans. But if he still feels this way 2 or 3 years ago, I'd have a serious discussion. Parents take care of their kids because they love them. Good parents will give their children the best lives they possibly can. The best parents are happy for their children when they find someone they can be totally committed to. If I were his mother, I'd be happy that my son sees me in such a positive light, but I think I'd also be sad. I mean, this sounds borderline unhealthy. Another thing. He may not feel the same way in a few years as he does now. I wouldn't worry about this for a little while longer.