Why did she go back to abusive ex? Please Read
Just wondering...I have read a lot on it the past few days and it is still baffling.
My ex gf got into a relationship with a guy, and typically he was wonderful (she told me that) at first then slowly started abusing until it became physical. Anyways she had him arrested and a restraining order on him. She called me out of the blue months ago and we hung out for a few months.
We had a good time, but things were a little rocky at first. I thought things were going well and then she said "i need space". I gave it to her...we saw each other a couple more times in a three week period. All of a sudden she cut off all contact and became really cruel and mean towards me.
Well, I found out she is back with him. That is just crazy!!! After what he did to her she is going back to that? Its going to happen again isn't it? Anyways, I was trying to talk to her and she threatened me with a restraining order and wants me to stop contacting her. She knows I would never harm her and she left me a voicemail saying that all contact needs to stop...the abuser guy was there because she said "He wants to bash your face in and if you do not stop contacting me he and his friends will hurt you bad". Can she get a restraining order against me? She is hanging out with the guy she has a restraining order on and that beat her...and she threw him in jail. I am just amazed.
She has lost her mind I think...it is really sad to see what that (abuse) will do to someone. She is not even acting like the person I once loved and knew.
Why do women do that?
Last edited by NiceGuy76; 02-12-2008 at 06:15 AM.
well its not only women- men do it too. You see it is very hard for the human mind to get around the 'fairy tale idea of happily ever after' coming to an end when it wasnt supposed to. We cant seem to believe that the fantasy is over when our partner starts abusing us...so we go back and back again to save that 'fantasy'- Crazy though it may seem.
Some people also have the personality trait that they think they can save and reform everyone( I am one of them) so we keep on going back thinking that we can change things and them and then everything will go back to happily ever after...
Last edited by butterflycloud; 02-12-2008 at 05:19 AM.
Come to the edge he said
They said' we are afraid'
He said again- 'come to the edge'
He pushed them.....
And they flew.....
You have to realize abuse is a cycle. I work with abused women a few times a month and it is very common to see them go back to their abusers over and over again - until they are truly READY to leave.
By the way, men are abused too....and I see men do the same thing with emotionally abusive women.
The problem with abusive relationships is that they are not ALWAYS abusive. They are often marked by real "highs" too.....their partners are often addicted to
them and when they are not abusing them may make them feel very "desired" and needed. The low periods (abusive periods) are marked at the end often by these highs....and eventually while the high periods themselves get lower and less frequent, the abused person "lives" for those highs again feeling that things will get better....and often they live for the approval of the one whom hurts them the most as they are often over time beat down into someone whom believes this is what they deserve and they are "lucky" their partner even wants them.
For others, it is also plain fear of leaving. The most dangerous time for an abused person is when they are leaving/after they leave. That for most abusers is a massive trigger, and it is often when the violent cycle ends in death. Many have been cut off from family, friends, social networks and support to get out and feel trapped.
As for restraining order...if she does feel you are harassing her, she may be able to get one. As for the one she has one against...not sure how it works there but here at least ANYONE can call and say it is being violated and the guy can be arrested (not just the one whom had the order taken out). So if the restraining order still stands between them, depending on where they are, he can still be considered in violation even if they are together.
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[FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I]
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While I never was abused exactly by my ex wife, she did a number of very hurtful, mean, and cruel things to me. Things whose only purpose was to cause me misery and suffering.
Despite this, I always gave her another chance. I guess because deep down, I never believed that she meant to do it. I thought that she was just being emotional, and that she really loved me underneath it all.
Truth is, if you care about someone, you'll probably let them get away with much more than you should.
Today, 01:35 AM
This is to add to what others have written...
Originally Posted by NiceGuy76
Some of what you wrote makes me suspect that you also may have unintentionally said and did some things that "triggered" her impulse to go back to him, or stay with him. Even if she's putting herself in harm's way, you can't decide for her. She's an adult and you can't tell her what choices to make. Criticizing her isn't helpful. You also don't help at all by telling her she's "crazy." Your own frustration over the situation compounds her problem, confuses her even more, and doesn't help her make better choices. Of course all those feelings on your part are certainly understandable, but for an abuse victim, (i.e. the way abuse twists the mind around backwards), it's not helpful for her to hear those comments from you.
Here's a couple of articles to help explain why abuse victims go back...
Trauma Bonding : The Pull to the Perpetrator
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
And here's another article to offer guidelines for how to truly help an abuse victim in a way the abuse victim most needs. This is an excerpt from the online article, but it's really an excerpt from the book Why Does He DO That? by Lundy Bancroft.
THE ABUSER: Pressures her severely.
SO YOU SHOULD: Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation.
THE ABUSER: Talks down to her.
SO YOU SHOULD: Address her as an equal. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder than your words.
THE ABUSER: Thinks he knows what is good for her better than she does.
SO YOU SHOULD: Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don't assume that you know what she needs to do.
THE ABUSER: Dominates conversations.
SO YOU SHOULD: Listen more and talk less. The temptation may be great to convince her what a "jerk" he is, to analyze his motives, to give speeches covering entire chapters of this book. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them.
Find more here...
Last edited by Miss M; 02-12-2008 at 04:10 PM.
You gotta put down the duckie if you wanna play the saxophone!
~~ Hoots the Owl (Sesame Street muppet)
people go back to abusers because they blame themselves and don't see what happened as the abuser's fault. They believe it's their fault. Its sad but true. Also someone might go back to an abuser if they are afraid of being alone.
I can totally relate to where you are coming from right now.
One of my close friends is getting back with her ex. He emotionally & abuses her, attempted to kidnap their child, and threatened to hurt her ( soooo many times).
She has called the police to her house (multiple times), changed her phone number, and got a restraining order.
Now she is violating the protection order to sleep with him (without any forms of contraspectives....beyond sad, like she needs another child by him).
Talk about disturbing.
She is my friend, and I love her dearly.
Of course I've spoken with her about it, but it doesn't seem to get through.
I have no idea why women go back.
Getting away is hard enough already.
When I got out of an abusive relationship, I stayed out.
So, I don't understand it either. Just wanted you to know that I know where you are coming from, and I empathize with you.
I'm going through this right now. Just 'celebrated' my 10 year anniversary to a guy who started abusing me within an hour of being married. We're supposed to mediate next week after having been separated for months. And our son has developed some sudden scary medical issues.
For one thing, abusers are two-faced, charming and extremely manipulative. They are they worlds best liars. Most people who know my husband, even some of my own brothers and sisters, never see the abuse and can't possibly believe he's capable of it. On top of it he's painted me for years as an overly emotional, reactive, thin-skinned and depressed person. This is because he'd reduce me to tears just before we'd go hang out with anyone. They see what he tells them to see.
Meanwhile, I covered for the abuse because I thought if anyone else knew they'd never forgive him like I could, if he'd stop. Now I've got even my own family questioning me and pointing out how sweet he's being and how penitent he seems and all the nice things he's doing for everyone and so on. It is hard to feel so incredibly alone! And he -does- seem nice. I am about 50% sure it's a sham like all the other times.
Think I should go back? He loves our son like no one else and it'd be nice to have someone to understand what I'm going through. And he seems very nice about it. Now he's telling me "we" just didn't try hard enough and I am not trying hard enough now and if I would we could make things work.
Do YOU think I ought to go back?
The women I met that returned to their abusers over and over again had one common misconception, they thought they needed him and they couldn't make it without him.
Look for the good in yourself and others, it will change your life.
"I feel like you have a lot of pride and if you do not hold to your choice of leaving that it will eat at your pride."
- note from the abuser trying to talk me out of divorce.
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