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Thread: My wife doesn't want children - I do.

  1. #1
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    My wife doesn't want children - I do.

    I could really use some advice. My wife of only 9 months (been together for 5.5 years), just told me that she is absolutely sure she doesn't want to have kids. Her reasons for not wanting them are the lifestyle change and not wanting to give up her "freedom" in exchange for the big responsibility that children bring. I, on the other hand, DO want kids and have always wanted kids. She has always told me that she wasn't sure if she wanted kids, but as time went on I felt like she was leaning more towards having kids at some point. And then BAM! 2 days ago she tells me that she's been thinking about it more (since we have many friends who are pregnant or having kids), and she has decided she doesn't want them. She is 25 and I am 31.

    So now I am completely torn and heartbroken. I love her to death and truly feel that we are perfect for each other (besides this disagreement with children). I can't imagine my life without her. And I know she loves me to pieces as well. I am afraid that I will start resenting her as time goes on, especially when I see my friends with their kids. This is all I think about (given it just happened 2 days ago), and it really scares me because I don't know what to do. We have talked about seeing a counselor, and probably will soon. I'm afraid the counselor will say we should get a divorce, because that is not what I want at all. We have 2 dogs now, and she is so great at taking care of them. She has even said she would be willing to get more dogs!!! (sigh). What do I do???
    Last edited by DN; 02-11-2008 at 03:24 PM. Reason: moved to own thread

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    Moderator Note: Welcome to eNotAlone socal76. I took this post from the thread you posted it in and gave it a thread of its own. That way you don't hi-jack someone else's thread and you will probably get more responses.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member flower99's Avatar
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    Wow...this is tough....if she has been back and forth on this, perhaps giving it more time she may change her mind again?? My finacee changed his mind 3 times ...to his does want kids. than he didn't - which scared the crap out of me cause like you I knew i wanted kids. now it's back to his does want kids & now I'm 5 months pregnant. So he better not change his mind again...lol I don't think he will, he just got scared (: Like I think you're wife might be....
    If I were you, I'd have a serious talk with her. You two got into this marriage her fully knowing you wanted kids. And you, believeing she did too (probably should have been certain on that one) find out if this is something she is willing bend on or if her mind is made up. And be honest with her on your feelings...that this is something you've been wanting your whole life and still do.
    Also suggest that she talks to her friends that are having kids and ask thier view of it. See if any of them regret it or find it a blessing.
    She might just be scared. or she might have her mind made up. You two need to talk. but I'm thinking she could easily change her mind again...but do think about what you'd do if she doesn't.

    Sorry I don't have much for advice, i'm sure others will.
    Last edited by flower99; 02-11-2008 at 04:19 PM.
    ~ There are a lot of changes in life, how we react to them that matters, it's what makes us who we are. ~

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    I can only speak from my limited experience but I know two couples who went through exactly what you are going through. One of them ended up divorced due to the resentment you mentioned and the other couple is still happily married, without children. So, I guess what I am saying is that this type of decision is so very personal. In the end you will have to live with the decision.

    It sounds like you are deeply in love with this woman and finding that today is worth something. I think the counselor is a great idea to help you determine if the two of you can reach an agreement.

    I wish you the best of luck.
    You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there. - Yogi Berra

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  6. #5
    Bronze Member Bankers24's Avatar
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    Your wife sounds a lot like my sister. From the age of about 24 until she was 30 she swore up and down that she would NEVER have kids. Well, once she turned 30 her biological clock starting ticking and she changed her mind - she is now pregnant with twin girls.

    I wouldn't give up on her yet. She is only 25 and being close to 25 myself, I know that I change my mind daily on if I want kids or not. I know that one day I might want kids but definitely not right now as I enjoy my freedom too much. I am thinking that will probably change when I hit 30 and my clock starts ticking. She is fairly young still and it is becoming more and more popular to not have kids until your early 30s especially for a working, career oriented woman.

    Good luck! Enjoy your time together now!

  7. #6
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    ... How did you fail to work this one out before marriage?

    It's too late for you, but to anyone else thinking about getting married, please buy this book and actually use it:
    http://www.amazon.com/Hard-Questions.../dp/1585420042

    My fiance and I were able to work out a lot of difficult issues (raising kids, religion in the family, etc) thanks to this book.

    *****

    For the poster, at this point, the only thing you can do is to see if you can reach a compromise with her, or either you or her will have to back down. If none of that can happen, then you might want a divorce.

    You should talk with her and see how important the issue is to her, and tell her how you feel about the situation and how important kids are to you, why you want kids. Once you listen to each other you might be able to agree on something.

    I don't want kids, my fiance does. He absolutely wants kids, and children is a deal breaker for him. Since it's so important to him, and I want to be with him, I decided I will compromise and we agreed on two children. That's all I'm willing to do. After that we're both getting sterilized. If a child doesn't make it to 21, we can adopt one.

    At the same time, it could work the other way too. Not having children could be very important to me, and that could be my deal breaker. If that's the case, we would break up that night.

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    Well i don't understand why you married her if she said she wasn't sure? Why would you do that?

    Did you think she would eventually change her mind if if you coaxed her enough?

    This would be devastating to me as well, if i had a partner who didn't want children, but i would try to make sure beforehand what he wanted.

    maybe your wife will change her mind.. who knows.. but i wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't!

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    Give her 5 more years and when she reaches her 30's - she will want to have kids. At just 25, her priority is probably being the best wife that she can be while also earning a living too. Once she achieved these two goals, there is nothing left but to grow the family. Trust me on this.

  10. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Entomon View Post
    Give her 5 more years and when she reaches her 30's - she will want to have kids. At just 25, her priority is probably being the best wife that she can be while also earning a living too. Once she achieved these two goals, there is nothing left but to grow the family. Trust me on this.

    so you are saying that once someone is a good wite and has earned a living, there is nothing else to acomplish apart from have children????!!

    And at 25?

    Heck, I'm 30 and having a family is very far off in the distant future as it is for many of my friends.

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    I'm not saying every woman is like that. I'm just saying that for her right now having a family is not her priority.

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