I need major help...Guys are more than welcome.

skittles52026 · 02-04-2008, 04:31 AM

This is going to be a bit long winded, but I do need some major help here because I am not sure what is going on. So in May my fiance proposed to me, everything was wonderful for the most part. We had our share of problems, but they didn't seem that bad. The one was I wanted kids pretty bad, and my fiance told me that he was going to want them at some point, but he wasn't sure when. I just wanted to know when he thought he would want them or what he would need to feel ready for them, which he could never give me an answer to. For the most part I dealt with it. In October we moved in together and everything seemed like it was getting better.

Recently, the kids thing was brought back up, after he had broken a promise he made to me. We had agreed that after the wedding we would have kids, about a week after we made this agreement, he started backing out of it. He had me talk to one of his friends who suggested that I give him another chance and try to reach the agreement that we would have kids 2 1/2 years after the wedding, that way I would be done with college and we would both have better jobs. Once again he agreed to this only going back on it about a week later.

I always told him there was 2 things that I would dump him for, one being changing the date of the wedding (which is 6 months from now), and 2 if he told me he would never want kids. He told me both in one day. First he told me that he wanted to put off the wedding for another year, which I was not happy about because it made me feel like all of my work and time that I had put into the wedding was wasted. Then later that night when I got home he told me that he was saying that because he wasn't sure if he was ever going to want to have kids. I asked him which decision he was leaning more towards, and he told me never having kids. This destroyed me. I spent some time thinking if this is the main issue to him, and this is all that we seem to fight about, maybe it isn't that important to me and maybe mine and his relationship was more important to me. So I told him that I wasn't sure about having children either due to some issues that I have personally. At first he didn't believe me, but we talked about it more and he started to.

Now that the kid situation is out of the way, he still wants to put off the wedding. We agreed that if we kept the same wedding date, I would attend counsellings with him, which we have started, but once again he is going back on him agreement.

My whole issue is he seems to have done a complete 180 as to the person I first fell in love with. I understand that people change, and I know I have changed too, but I haven't changed how I feel about him. What concerns me even more is how he is changing his answers so quickly, to me it feels like he has been lying to me or hiding something from me. I asked him if he was cheating on me, and I begged him to tell to me the truth, because if he was cheating on me it would at least make everything make sense, but he swears that he is not. I would just like to know what would cause such a change like this. I asked him if he still wants to be with me and he says yes, and he still loves me. What is causing this? I feel like I am losing my mind. Please help.

Aleadragonhawk · 02-04-2008, 05:15 AM

It's normal for people to get cold feet when a large decision actually approaches. It's entirely possible that he was being honest when he said that he wanted children, but as eventually became closer and closer to now, he panicked. If having children is an important goal for you you might want to consider leaving this relationship, but an impression that I got from your post is that you're more interested in marriage and children in general than you are in this man.

karvala · 02-04-2008, 07:18 AM

How old is your fiance? If he's your age or thereabouts, I'm not really surprised he's putting things off, as it's a relatively young age to get married these days. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but his hesitation is understandable, as is your disappointment about it. You think it is something personal towards you, and I won't lie to you and pretend that it isn't because to some degree it obviously is, but it's also partly to do with him, and it may be that no matter who you are and how much he loves you, he would feel the same.

Batya33 · 02-04-2008, 08:04 AM

If I were you I would not plan a wedding reception. Plan the marriage, plan to get married without a huge party (you can always have a party later or renew the vows and have a party, etc) and go to counselling without that stress looming in your path (since you said you have been putting so much effort into this).

It sounds like you were somewhat more focused on planning the wedding than the marriage (since you were willing to end things if he changed the date not as much because you wanted to be married 6 months earlier but because of the reception you were working so hard on, "because it made me feel like all of my work and time that I had put into the wedding was wasted".) so counseling should help you shift your mindset and work on the relationship. The kids issue will also be something that counseling should be good for. I don't personally think it matters if he wants to wait over a dozen years given your age, but the bigger issue is whether he will commit to having kids in the first place.

Good luck.

skittles52026 · 02-04-2008, 04:06 PM

Karvala,
You asked how old he is. In April he will be 28.

Everyone,
Thank you for your input, some of it is some of the same things that I have been thinking but wasn't sure, and your advice does really help. So thank you.

hueman84 · 03-19-2008, 11:35 AM

I just read his thread...and honestly...if i was him i would have the same reservations about you too.

How could you lie to him for that long?

FuzzyKitten · 03-19-2008, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hueman84

I just read his thread...and honestly...if i was him i would have the same reservations about you too.

How could you lie to him for that long?

I agree with this. You didn't give us the real reason why he wanted to postpone the wedding. If I were him, I would not marry you at all.

02-04-2008, 04:31 AM	#1
skittles52026 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Pittsburgh, Pa Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 5	I need major help...Guys are more than welcome. This is going to be a bit long winded, but I do need some major help here because I am not sure what is going on. So in May my fiance proposed to me, everything was wonderful for the most part. We had our share of problems, but they didn't seem that bad. The one was I wanted kids pretty bad, and my fiance told me that he was going to want them at some point, but he wasn't sure when. I just wanted to know when he thought he would want them or what he would need to feel ready for them, which he could never give me an answer to. For the most part I dealt with it. In October we moved in together and everything seemed like it was getting better. Recently, the kids thing was brought back up, after he had broken a promise he made to me. We had agreed that after the wedding we would have kids, about a week after we made this agreement, he started backing out of it. He had me talk to one of his friends who suggested that I give him another chance and try to reach the agreement that we would have kids 2 1/2 years after the wedding, that way I would be done with college and we would both have better jobs. Once again he agreed to this only going back on it about a week later. I always told him there was 2 things that I would dump him for, one being changing the date of the wedding (which is 6 months from now), and 2 if he told me he would never want kids. He told me both in one day. First he told me that he wanted to put off the wedding for another year, which I was not happy about because it made me feel like all of my work and time that I had put into the wedding was wasted. Then later that night when I got home he told me that he was saying that because he wasn't sure if he was ever going to want to have kids. I asked him which decision he was leaning more towards, and he told me never having kids. This destroyed me. I spent some time thinking if this is the main issue to him, and this is all that we seem to fight about, maybe it isn't that important to me and maybe mine and his relationship was more important to me. So I told him that I wasn't sure about having children either due to some issues that I have personally. At first he didn't believe me, but we talked about it more and he started to. Now that the kid situation is out of the way, he still wants to put off the wedding. We agreed that if we kept the same wedding date, I would attend counsellings with him, which we have started, but once again he is going back on him agreement. My whole issue is he seems to have done a complete 180 as to the person I first fell in love with. I understand that people change, and I know I have changed too, but I haven't changed how I feel about him. What concerns me even more is how he is changing his answers so quickly, to me it feels like he has been lying to me or hiding something from me. I asked him if he was cheating on me, and I begged him to tell to me the truth, because if he was cheating on me it would at least make everything make sense, but he swears that he is not. I would just like to know what would cause such a change like this. I asked him if he still wants to be with me and he says yes, and he still loves me. What is causing this? I feel like I am losing my mind. Please help.

02-04-2008, 07:18 AM	#3
karvala Online Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 2,330	How old is your fiance? If he's your age or thereabouts, I'm not really surprised he's putting things off, as it's a relatively young age to get married these days. There's certainly nothing wrong with that, but his hesitation is understandable, as is your disappointment about it. You think it is something personal towards you, and I won't lie to you and pretend that it isn't because to some degree it obviously is, but it's also partly to do with him, and it may be that no matter who you are and how much he loves you, he would feel the same. __________________ May you live all the days of your life Trying to heal from after a breakup? Perhaps you need Enhanced No Contact: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?p=1438257

02-04-2008, 05:15 AM	#2
Aleadragonhawk Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 1,424	It's normal for people to get cold feet when a large decision actually approaches. It's entirely possible that he was being honest when he said that he wanted children, but as eventually became closer and closer to now, he panicked. If having children is an important goal for you you might want to consider leaving this relationship, but an impression that I got from your post is that you're more interested in marriage and children in general than you are in this man.

02-04-2008, 08:04 AM	#4
Batya33 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Posts: 19,072	If I were you I would not plan a wedding reception. Plan the marriage, plan to get married without a huge party (you can always have a party later or renew the vows and have a party, etc) and go to counselling without that stress looming in your path (since you said you have been putting so much effort into this). It sounds like you were somewhat more focused on planning the wedding than the marriage (since you were willing to end things if he changed the date not as much because you wanted to be married 6 months earlier but because of the reception you were working so hard on, "because it made me feel like all of my work and time that I had put into the wedding was wasted".) so counseling should help you shift your mindset and work on the relationship. The kids issue will also be something that counseling should be good for. I don't personally think it matters if he wants to wait over a dozen years given your age, but the bigger issue is whether he will commit to having kids in the first place. Good luck.

02-04-2008, 04:06 PM	#5
skittles52026 Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Pittsburgh, Pa Gender: Female Age: 23 Posts: 5	Karvala, You asked how old he is. In April he will be 28. Everyone, Thank you for your input, some of it is some of the same things that I have been thinking but wasn't sure, and your advice does really help. So thank you.

03-19-2008, 11:35 AM	#6
hueman84 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: PA Gender: Male Posts: 361	I just read his thread...and honestly...if i was him i would have the same reservations about you too. How could you lie to him for that long?