The current sutuation, communication, and intimacy

thedman · 02-01-2008, 11:39 PM

Hi everybody,

I haven't posted here in months (and rarely at all), but I often lurk around to get a feel for other people's issues and how they relate to my own. I apologize for the length of the following, but it's a complex issue and I need to vent.

I left off when I spoke about my girlfriend's ordeal with her abusive parents. For the sake of the thread, let's call her Jen (not her real name). To recap what I said in that last thread, her mother physically abused her for about ten years and used religion as an excuse for her actions and as a brainwashing tool. Jen's father refused to get involved in stopping the abuse. In late 2006, her mother kicked her in the stomach when she was pregnant (the pregnancy was accidental and did not result from penetration or recklessness), thus causing a miscarriage. The mother denied that she knew of the pregnancy when she kicked Jen, but based on earlier conversations that Jen had with her parents, this was entirely false. The abuse continued through October 2007, when Jen made a last attempt to leave.

Jen reported the abuse to the police several times, and she finally succeeded and was taken to a women's shelter when she showed a deep cut on her neck and chin. She got a public advocate to deal with the court case for a restraining order. After many delays by her parents, she lost the case partially because her lawyer was lazy and incompetent to the point of not submitting obvious evidence, and partially because her parents are wealthy and very well-connected. The women's shelter later attempted to dump her because she could not find work (the area is terrible for employment, especially with the recent economic downturn). She managed to get a transfer to another shelter, but lost the opportunity to take her final exams in college (she was barred from leaving the former shelter while the transfer was pending) and thus flunked out. Jen now stays at the homeless shelter, has a part-time job, and is looking for more work. She has no one else to stay with, and I am currently unable to offer her a place with me (I live with my parents).

I am moving very quickly through an engineering program (75 credits in three semesters!) and will be done in spring or summer of 2009. I have no qualms about supporting her, as I've been with her for more than two years and we love each other more than anything else. The only condition is that she must show effort to help herself as well, preferably with full-time studying.

She's still having trouble with PTSD, though she is getting a lot better as far as those symptoms go, and I will keep encouraging her and helping her in any way I can. My main concern with the relationship is communication and intimacy. Sometimes I think it's stupid to be concerned with such things given the current and immediate problems with housing and employment. Still, it's something to think about, and it actually might tie into her other troubles.

Jen has no problem talking about day-to-day banal issues regardless of importance, but often when I ask her about any important inner thoughts or feelings, she "locks up" as if she went deaf. If I continue asking her, she either tells me to stop, breaks down and cries, or makes me guess what her thoughts/feeling are until I get it right, which may take hours. Or, she says something like "I think I need to tell you something, but I don't know if I should." This is the killer for me because it makes me very nervous that it's something very important. She has sort of been conditioned to never speak her mind, because during her ordeal, if she disagreed with her mother, she would often be beaten harshly. In other words, she does have these inner thoughts, but she is involuntarily suppressing them even though the stimulus no longer exists. I can only encourage her so much.

Intimacy is another related issue. Sexual repression was a large factor in the fundamentalist Christian household she grew up in, since she was taught that it was dirty and sinful. Obviously, Jen no longer thinks this, and she (in her mind, at least) very much wants to have sex with me. However, when we are alone and the opportunity arises, she pushes me away. She is a virgin and so am I. She makes no effort to explore her body or become comfortable with herself, though she did give herself an orgasm once years ago. She stops me whenever I try to give her one. She describes it as self-consciousness when she tries. Jen is also deathly afraid of another pregnancy and is for some reason scared of my penis, though it is like any other. Once again, she does want to have sex and is not entrenched in religious values of abstinence, but all this psychological trouble stops her.

What is appropriate? Is it appropriate for me to discuss these issues with a therapist at my college, since most of the issues are hers and not mine? What can be done for her if she cannot afford health insurance or a therapist on her own? Please help. Oh, and once again, apologies for length.

Aleadragonhawk · 02-02-2008, 12:21 AM

This is a delicate line to walk. I think that talking with a therapist at your school could be a good thing, because handling a relationship like this can be very taxing and it's hard to know exactly what to do. Before doing that, though, I advise talking to her and asking her if she's okay with it. As someone who was abused, I can say that trust is an extremely hard thing to gain, and even harder to keep. If you tell her story to someone else without her knowing about it, then she may feel betrayed or like she can't trust you.

As far as sex goes, as much as she wants it, she's not ready for it, and that's something that you'll both have to accept for now. One thing that you can try is allowing for sexual exploration on her part without you touching her - it helped me some to know that things would only go as far as I decided, that I could say that they'd stop at any point in time, and that I was really the one in control. If you're planning on potentially being sexually active, address her fears about pregnancy. Places like Planned Parenthood often have programs for low income people that result in sliding-scale or even free birth control. Even if you're not planning on having penetrative sex, it might make her feel more comfortable with sex in general if pregnancy isn't as much of a risk.

One thing that's hard to accept but necessary is that you can't fix her - and you can't make everything better. You can help her along the way, provide emotional support, and love her - but healing is something that she's going to have to work at. It's likely that she'll always have demons. I've been fully out of the abuse for a year now, and while I'm doing much better, I still have down times where I feel really depressed and upset.

As for her saying that she thinks she needs to tell you something but she's not sure she should - that's also pretty normal. All you can do is listen to her stories about her past and validate her feelings. One of the most helpful things my husband has ever done is just listened and said, at the end, "What they did wasn't okay, and it wasn't your fault."

02-01-2008, 11:39 PM	#1
thedman Offline Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: NJ Gender: Male Age: 22 Posts: 19	The current sutuation, communication, and intimacy Hi everybody, I haven't posted here in months (and rarely at all), but I often lurk around to get a feel for other people's issues and how they relate to my own. I apologize for the length of the following, but it's a complex issue and I need to vent. I left off when I spoke about my girlfriend's ordeal with her abusive parents. For the sake of the thread, let's call her Jen (not her real name). To recap what I said in that last thread, her mother physically abused her for about ten years and used religion as an excuse for her actions and as a brainwashing tool. Jen's father refused to get involved in stopping the abuse. In late 2006, her mother kicked her in the stomach when she was pregnant (the pregnancy was accidental and did not result from penetration or recklessness), thus causing a miscarriage. The mother denied that she knew of the pregnancy when she kicked Jen, but based on earlier conversations that Jen had with her parents, this was entirely false. The abuse continued through October 2007, when Jen made a last attempt to leave. Jen reported the abuse to the police several times, and she finally succeeded and was taken to a women's shelter when she showed a deep cut on her neck and chin. She got a public advocate to deal with the court case for a restraining order. After many delays by her parents, she lost the case partially because her lawyer was lazy and incompetent to the point of not submitting obvious evidence, and partially because her parents are wealthy and very well-connected. The women's shelter later attempted to dump her because she could not find work (the area is terrible for employment, especially with the recent economic downturn). She managed to get a transfer to another shelter, but lost the opportunity to take her final exams in college (she was barred from leaving the former shelter while the transfer was pending) and thus flunked out. Jen now stays at the homeless shelter, has a part-time job, and is looking for more work. She has no one else to stay with, and I am currently unable to offer her a place with me (I live with my parents). I am moving very quickly through an engineering program (75 credits in three semesters!) and will be done in spring or summer of 2009. I have no qualms about supporting her, as I've been with her for more than two years and we love each other more than anything else. The only condition is that she must show effort to help herself as well, preferably with full-time studying. She's still having trouble with PTSD, though she is getting a lot better as far as those symptoms go, and I will keep encouraging her and helping her in any way I can. My main concern with the relationship is communication and intimacy. Sometimes I think it's stupid to be concerned with such things given the current and immediate problems with housing and employment. Still, it's something to think about, and it actually might tie into her other troubles. Jen has no problem talking about day-to-day banal issues regardless of importance, but often when I ask her about any important inner thoughts or feelings, she "locks up" as if she went deaf. If I continue asking her, she either tells me to stop, breaks down and cries, or makes me guess what her thoughts/feeling are until I get it right, which may take hours. Or, she says something like "I think I need to tell you something, but I don't know if I should." This is the killer for me because it makes me very nervous that it's something very important. She has sort of been conditioned to never speak her mind, because during her ordeal, if she disagreed with her mother, she would often be beaten harshly. In other words, she does have these inner thoughts, but she is involuntarily suppressing them even though the stimulus no longer exists. I can only encourage her so much. Intimacy is another related issue. Sexual repression was a large factor in the fundamentalist Christian household she grew up in, since she was taught that it was dirty and sinful. Obviously, Jen no longer thinks this, and she (in her mind, at least) very much wants to have sex with me. However, when we are alone and the opportunity arises, she pushes me away. She is a virgin and so am I. She makes no effort to explore her body or become comfortable with herself, though she did give herself an orgasm once years ago. She stops me whenever I try to give her one. She describes it as self-consciousness when she tries. Jen is also deathly afraid of another pregnancy and is for some reason scared of my penis, though it is like any other. Once again, she does want to have sex and is not entrenched in religious values of abstinence, but all this psychological trouble stops her. What is appropriate? Is it appropriate for me to discuss these issues with a therapist at my college, since most of the issues are hers and not mine? What can be done for her if she cannot afford health insurance or a therapist on her own? Please help. Oh, and once again, apologies for length.

02-02-2008, 12:21 AM	#2
Aleadragonhawk Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 1,423	This is a delicate line to walk. I think that talking with a therapist at your school could be a good thing, because handling a relationship like this can be very taxing and it's hard to know exactly what to do. Before doing that, though, I advise talking to her and asking her if she's okay with it. As someone who was abused, I can say that trust is an extremely hard thing to gain, and even harder to keep. If you tell her story to someone else without her knowing about it, then she may feel betrayed or like she can't trust you. As far as sex goes, as much as she wants it, she's not ready for it, and that's something that you'll both have to accept for now. One thing that you can try is allowing for sexual exploration on her part without you touching her - it helped me some to know that things would only go as far as I decided, that I could say that they'd stop at any point in time, and that I was really the one in control. If you're planning on potentially being sexually active, address her fears about pregnancy. Places like Planned Parenthood often have programs for low income people that result in sliding-scale or even free birth control. Even if you're not planning on having penetrative sex, it might make her feel more comfortable with sex in general if pregnancy isn't as much of a risk. One thing that's hard to accept but necessary is that you can't fix her - and you can't make everything better. You can help her along the way, provide emotional support, and love her - but healing is something that she's going to have to work at. It's likely that she'll always have demons. I've been fully out of the abuse for a year now, and while I'm doing much better, I still have down times where I feel really depressed and upset. As for her saying that she thinks she needs to tell you something but she's not sure she should - that's also pretty normal. All you can do is listen to her stories about her past and validate her feelings. One of the most helpful things my husband has ever done is just listened and said, at the end, "What they did wasn't okay, and it wasn't your fault."