When do you feel you don't trust a person?

[Unhumble]

When do you feel that a person - especially someone you're starting to know - has something "fishy" about himself?
What makes you think it's better not to communicate with this person?

[Stu147]

Originally Posted by Unhumble

When do you feel that a person - especially someone you're starting to know - has something "fishy" about himself?
What makes you think it's better not to communicate with this person?

Only two things can really sway you, evidence or gut instinct. Some people might delay acting on gut instinct to wait for the benefit of evidence. It is always worth tempering your suspicions with logic and reasoning. Insecurity can make you see things that maybe aren't there.

Do you generally have problems with trusting people? This is a question to ask yourself. Are you being a little neurotic or is there genuine cause for concern. It might help if you can give some specifics or examples.

[Unhumble]

No. It's actually I who feel that many people, especially in the recent 4-5 months - very gradually - , are starting not to trust me anymore.
I feel as if they look at me like I'm a traitor, or a criminal, or whatever... someone people shouldn't mingle with, even if I'm normally very social and extroverted.

I know I must be doing something intrinsically wrong, but I don't know what.

My overall sense of humor has changed a bit after I had an accident and was repetitive victim of medical negligence since about the same period of time.

But apart from that, I'm still a very open and outgoing person... but this is not reciprocated anymore. I don't understand why.
It's as if everyone looks at me with a critical eye, trying to make me feel guilty.

So, I'm trying to understand what makes them do so.

[Stu147]

Originally Posted by Unhumble

No. It's actually I who feel that many people, especially in the recent 4-5 months - very gradually - , are starting not to trust me anymore.
I feel as if they look at me like I'm a traitor, or a criminal, or whatever... someone people shouldn't mingle with, even if I'm normally very social and extroverted.

I know I must be doing something intrinsically wrong, but I don't know what.

My overall sense of humor has changed a bit after I had an accident and was repetitive victim of medical negligence since about the same period of time.

But apart from that, I'm still a very open and outgoing person... but this is not reciprocated anymore. I don't understand why.
It's as if everyone looks at me with a critical eye, trying to make me feel guilty.

So, I'm trying to understand what makes them do so.

I am purely speculating here, but could your experiences of medical negligence be the telling factor here? You make it sound like things used to be different but now something has changed?

When you were going through this medical problem did you alienate your friends at all, or pull away from them? It would be understandable of course, if you were going through rough times. Have they any reason to resent your behaviour during this time?

Like I say, I am just fishing here. The more questions you answer the clearer the picture may become.

[Unhumble]

It might be. In the sense that I go out less and - for a brief time - I was randomly alternating between hours of total silence at social situations (due to the chronic pain) to complete liveliness. I don't know whether that could have come across as bizarre.

But maybe the fact that I told them about my experience somehow put me under a bad light? Maybe the fact that my problems and the fact that I told them to my friends made me somehow look like a wimp?

Dunno. I can say that at the moment I'm also trying to fish all kinds of reasons why I should be feeling guilty. And imagination is infinite...

[Stu147]

Originally Posted by Unhumble

It might be. In the sense that I go out less and - for a brief time - I was randomly alternating between hours of total silence at social situations (due to the chronic pain) to complete liveliness. I don't know whether that could have come across as bizarre.

But maybe the fact that I told them about my experience somehow put me under a bad light? Maybe the fact that my problems and the fact that I told them to my friends made me somehow look like a wimp?

Dunno. I can say that at the moment I'm also trying to fish all kinds of reasons why I should be feeling guilty. And imagination is infinite...

It could just be that, through no fault of your own, your illness has slightly pulled you out of your social group. In social groups there are often petty isses that arise, jealousies, etc. Sometimes if one member seems to pull away then the others close the circle. Perhaps your relating to them of your experience was viewed, fairly or otherwise, as attention seeking. Perhaps they felt you talked TOO much about the problems. Of course, they were not in your shoes at the time and could not know what you were going through. I have been in this very position myself, with a long term illness that people just didn't understand and therefore didn't make as many allowances for as they could or should.

What I will say is that guilt is not productive. It achieves nothing. The best way to move forward would be to speak to one of these friends at a time when you can get them on their own and ask them of their impression of you during this time. Ask if you got on their nerves at all. Ask if they felt you changed as a person. And if you begin to get some answers then you can perhaps qualify each response with WHY you acted like you did, and how difficult this time was for you.

I honestly think communication is the way forward, but one to one and not the whole group at once. Friends sometimes step a little further apart through personal circumstances, but true friendships don't break so easily. Once you get established back in the circle things will soon return to normal, that is my honest opinion.

[Unhumble]

Okay, thank you! I'll try this.

Let me also add that some of my older friends (i.e. people who know me since 10+ years) actually didn't show this. When I asked them, they said I hadn't changed at all and I'm probably just imagining this.

As I said, it's something more on the level of social groups/friends I know since 1 year or less. I think I did a mistake in telling everybody about my ailments as if it was a normal thing to say...

I will try anyway.
Thanks.

[Stu147]

Originally Posted by Unhumble

Okay, thank you! I'll try this.

Let me also add that some of my older friends (i.e. people who know me since 10+ years) actually didn't show this. When I asked them, they said I hadn't changed at all and I'm probably just imagining this.

As I said, it's something more on the level of social groups/friends I know since 1 year or less. I think I did a mistake in telling everybody about my ailments as if it was a normal thing to say...

I will try anyway.
Thanks.

The new group thing could well be a factor too. People can be akward at times when it comes to sharing the burden of a long term illness or affliction. Close and long term friends will be there no matter what, because they know you of old. Newer friends and acquaintances sometimes will back away, because it's sort of too much too soon. And the timing of when you speak about your problems is key as well. I mean, if it's on a night out where everyone is trying to blow off steam after a hard week then you may be seen as a 'buzzkiller', as selfish on their part as that seems.

I honestly don't see that you have done anything 'wrong' here. You had a hard time and by the sounds of it for some while. You had to cope as best you could. Don't be hard on yourself. This can all be worked out.

I wish you all the best...

[jenny_mcs]

Originally Posted by Unhumble

No. It's actually I who feel that many people, especially in the recent 4-5 months - very gradually - , are starting not to trust me anymore.

You have a thread from not too long ago entitled "What's the point of being authentic?"

In some of your other threads, you seem very fixated on the "image" you portray- talking about how you are very 'calculating' about what you let others know about you and also asking in another thread what is the best way to "market" yourself to the world.

So- do you think that might have any impact on how all of a sudden, people don't trust you?

[Unhumble]

On another note, I have thought about that, too, jenny; however, I have been like that since I was 17 and I feel that I was like that with a positive (even if very elaborate) conscience. I have never done anything with bad intentions, although I sometimes fear that I might be tempted to do so...

I could summarize my motivation as, "If others don't believe me or don't react even when I expose the bare truth, it might be better to let them understand the truth through their own glasses."

I know it is controversial and difficult, but after all this time I concluded that it is up to ourselves to understand whether what we do is right or wrong...

I often visualize myself as a tiny, gnome-like, hard-working engineer inside the body of a complex constructed being, pedaling on a kind of bicycle that provides the energy for the being's mechanisms to work, a being that through his appearance, charisma and actions best serves the world and helps making it a better place. But however complex it might have been, I have never used it to do anything bad.
After reading all opinions on authenticity I still concluded that I am authentic with myself.

There has been something else, probably caused by my health issues as we discussed; it might have caused some imbalance to the tiny little engineer pedaling inside the constructed being, thereby causing the constructed one to behave incoherently - like a computer virus that confuses the instructions sent to the operative system.

And as I mentioned above, my appearance might have come across as bizarre or perhaps incoherent; especially when sometimes at parties I was silent for many hours, then started complaining about my pain, and then behave happily as if I was never ill...