I feel like I've been hit by a bus

tikkii · 01-26-2008, 12:58 PM

I've been with my boyfriend 2 and a half years. The first 2 years of that were long distance. Last August I moved to be with him. This meant moving to another country. I left my job, my family and friends, my life behind for him. We bought a house and moved in in September. We're both in our early 30's. It took a while for me to adjust to things here and a while before I found a job etc. but I stuck with it all because I love him.
The only issue we were really having is that I felt we weren't intimate often enough and it frustrated me a bit.

Just before xmas I landed a good job and bought a car which made me tons more independent. Things got much better and since xmas things were going along perfectly. Last Wednesday he had to go to another city on business and wasn't going to be home until about 10pm. I didn't really mind as it meant an evening to myself to watch girlie tv etc. The weather was horrible and by 9pm when I'd heard nothing all day I tried calling but his phone was switched off. Eventually he rang me at 10pm to say the meeting had gone over and he was only getting the train now. He sounded a bit drunk on the phone and worried about him driving at the other end, I said it to him and he told me he'd had one beer.

So he arrived home at 1am and I went to hug him but got the smell of cheap perfume off him. It was really strong and I commented. He told me it must be the airfreshner in the car. I'm not that stupid. He also appeared to be tipsy. After an hour of confrontation, he admitted he'd had a few beers and that he'd been to a strip club. I was angry because we'd discussed clubs before and he knew I wouldn't like him going there. I told him I was angry and went to bed. He followed and said he'd only gone in for 30mins with colleagues, had one beer there and left. The smell from him was so bad, I knew this couldn't be the case and told him but he stuck to his story and told me it was all truth.

Next morning I still told him i didn't believe him and he got mad that I wouldn't etc. I needed a drive to work as I'd left my car there the previous day so he said he'd drive me once he was dressed. I went out and sat in his car but he came running out half dressed in a panic telling me to go wait in the house. I was suspicious, saw his phone and read his messages. The only one I saw was from a friend of his who lives in that city saying 'tell her I had a family crisis and you needed to be here for me. Tell me what excuse you give and I'll back you up'.. It made me so mad. I got out of the car and told him I'd seen the message (ie. I saw the message) and he got upset and replied with 'It was stupid. I shouldn't have texted her. she gave me her number after the dances'.. turns out he sent a text message to one of the strippers. It read 'Tonight was great, had a fantastic time. Would love to meet you again in a less professional manner'.. I was livid. He then told me he'd about 7 dances and spent almost £200... which we can't afford right now. I haven't had a night out in months because he says we can't afford it. He claims he would never have met this girl anyway and only sent the message curious to see if she'd reply (I'm not buyint that but I could have told him he'd be waiting forever on a reply)
Now I'm in a strange country, with nobody i know at all, in a new job and have no idea what to do....

**Hope75** · 01-26-2008, 01:37 PM

Hi tikki and welcome,

Ugh! How awful. I know I couldn't trust a guy who did this and then lied about it, knew enough to ask his friend to create a story to back him up.... if it were me this would be over.

You say you are making good money working there- would you have any desire to stay if you were to leave him? Or would going back to your country be more feasable for you?

sweetharmony · 01-26-2008, 01:44 PM

wow. sorry to hear about this! I am getting pissed off reading this. when I first started reading, I was afraid to think that you were overreacting. I was like, he probably went to the club with co-workers after the mtg. and was afraid to tell you...though I think he should have been upfront about that. then i read further and saw that your gut was right on, and wow, the nerve of that guy. and a stripper? i mean how low can you go? what was he thinking?

I would say that his values are different from yours. This would be a deal-breaker for me, too. I'm not sure I could ever trust again...but only you could make that choice.

You both bought a house together, so that is something really tying you financially together. Were you engaged or planning on this? I know this is something you probably have to work out. For now, though I'd consider a separation to clear your mind. Do you have any friends in this country for support? Are you considering moving back to your home country? What are your options?

BeStrongBeHappy · 01-26-2008, 05:07 PM

i personally don't have trouble with a guy sometimes going to a strip club with his buddies and doing nothing but hooting and hollering and male bonding, but i WOULD have trouble with him texting strippers and making plans to meet them privately.

that is no longer spectator sport so to speak, but crossing the line into potential cheating (or maybe he did cheat).

it's rough that you already own a house together because it makes it harder to walk away, but you need to decide whether you want to take this forward with him. i think at a minimum he needs to promise that he will never go to a strip club again or ever text other women or make plans to see them or ANYTHING that approaches this kind of behavior, or you'll walk (and mean it).

but if you seriously think he cheated then you have a harder decision on whether to stay or go. you have to worry about STDs if he is sleeping around, so i would take some time and try to discover whether he has been cheating on you, especially with strippers, many of whom are stripping and/or prostitutes to support drug habits and hence have a higher risk of STDs and HIV. and use protection until you are sure he is not sleeping around, and that your trust in him to not cheat has been restored.

**Hope75** · 01-26-2008, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BeStrongBeHappy

i personally don't have trouble with a guy sometimes going to a strip club with his buddies and doing nothing but hooting and hollering and male bonding, but i WOULD have trouble with him texting strippers and making plans to meet them privately.

that is no longer spectator sport so to speak, but crossing the line into potential cheating (or maybe he did cheat).

This is spot on. I have no problem with that either but when he becomes an active participant in a potential or real affair, it's a problem.

tikkii · 01-27-2008, 03:00 AM

I don't know if he cheated or has done in past. He's sticking by his story that he was just curious to see if he'd get a reply but that's causing me more grief than anything because it's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard. The more I hear about the night the more annoyed I get. Apparently 4 of them went and he was the only one of them to go for private dances. I don't know what happens during the private dances, he mentioned you are in a booth alone with the girl.. this made me sick because until I heard this I assumed he was in the main part of the club with all the other guys.
He's insistent that he has never cheated and never would but what he's already done ie. go to the club knowing it would upset me, having that many dances (esp with just one girl), spending money we didn't have, getting her phone number, then sending her a message - that's as good as cheating in my opinion.

BeStrongBeHappy · 01-27-2008, 07:48 AM

He is giving you a ridiculous excuse because there IS no excuse. This is falling into the category of 'that's my story and i'm sticking to it...'

i wouldn't get into a semantics war with him about what cheating is or isn't. you have to go straight for the heart of the matter, which is that he is engaging in PERSONAL sexual seeking behavior, not just random male bonding and fun. he encourages women to get in sexually inappropriate situations with him, and seeking contact with them personally by texting and flirting. whether he actually cheated or not is hard to determine after the fact, becuase he knows you are onto him now and probably won't text this particular girl again anyway.

so i think you need to tell him exactly what you are willing to tolerate or not, and stick to your guns. if he continues to seek out sexual situations with other women, then you have a decision to make.

**Hope75** · 01-27-2008, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tikkii

I don't know if he cheated or has done in past. He's sticking by his story that he was just curious to see if he'd get a reply but that's causing me more grief than anything because it's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard. The more I hear about the night the more annoyed I get. Apparently 4 of them went and he was the only one of them to go for private dances. I don't know what happens during the private dances, he mentioned you are in a booth alone with the girl.. this made me sick because until I heard this I assumed he was in the main part of the club with all the other guys.
He's insistent that he has never cheated and never would but what he's already done ie. go to the club knowing it would upset me, having that many dances (esp with just one girl), spending money we didn't have, getting her phone number, then sending her a message - that's as good as cheating in my opinion.

In my eyes this is cheating. It's up to you to decide if this behavior is acceptable to you or not- and I'm guessing it is not since you are so upset about it.

What do you plan to do?

JadedStar · 01-27-2008, 01:03 PM

Yes, it's cheating. Yes, he is disgusting.

Something that isn't very clear to me yet is he got this text: The only one I saw was from a friend of his who lives in that city saying 'tell her I had a family crisis and you needed to be here for me. Tell me what excuse you give and I'll back you up'..

so the stripper DID respond? Or was this really from a friend that you know that he has in this city? Is this a guy friend or female friend? If female, he didn't go to a stripclub he met this friend and they shared the entire evening together.

Most strippers do not send messages like that to patrons. They see so many men they all look the same after awhile. The ONLY reason she would send that is if he got her number to "hire" her privately. That is the ONLY reason a stripper would give her number to a "client" (i hate to use client as its too polite of a word) is if he asked her if she gives private sessions where she does "more" (i.e. she's now not only a strippper but a prostitute).

No way did this girl just have a thing for him because he bougth some private dances and give out her phone number. They just don't do that unless like i said he asked if she performs privately outside of the club and he was going to pay her for sex or a blow job or something. MANY strippers will do this on the side. I'm getting sick just writing this.

UGH i am so sorry for you> This is horrific.

**arwen** · 01-27-2008, 02:07 PM

This would be cheating in my book too. Texting a stripper, that's awful. To be honest, I wouldn't be thrilled with the stripclub in the first place, esp. since he claims you don't have money to go out?

Girl, I am so sorry for your situation. This must be very hard for you. Do you have friends or colleagues in your new town, that you can maybe spend some days with?

01-26-2008, 12:58 PM	#1
tikkii Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 59	I feel like I've been hit by a bus I've been with my boyfriend 2 and a half years. The first 2 years of that were long distance. Last August I moved to be with him. This meant moving to another country. I left my job, my family and friends, my life behind for him. We bought a house and moved in in September. We're both in our early 30's. It took a while for me to adjust to things here and a while before I found a job etc. but I stuck with it all because I love him. The only issue we were really having is that I felt we weren't intimate often enough and it frustrated me a bit. Just before xmas I landed a good job and bought a car which made me tons more independent. Things got much better and since xmas things were going along perfectly. Last Wednesday he had to go to another city on business and wasn't going to be home until about 10pm. I didn't really mind as it meant an evening to myself to watch girlie tv etc. The weather was horrible and by 9pm when I'd heard nothing all day I tried calling but his phone was switched off. Eventually he rang me at 10pm to say the meeting had gone over and he was only getting the train now. He sounded a bit drunk on the phone and worried about him driving at the other end, I said it to him and he told me he'd had one beer. So he arrived home at 1am and I went to hug him but got the smell of cheap perfume off him. It was really strong and I commented. He told me it must be the airfreshner in the car. I'm not that stupid. He also appeared to be tipsy. After an hour of confrontation, he admitted he'd had a few beers and that he'd been to a strip club. I was angry because we'd discussed clubs before and he knew I wouldn't like him going there. I told him I was angry and went to bed. He followed and said he'd only gone in for 30mins with colleagues, had one beer there and left. The smell from him was so bad, I knew this couldn't be the case and told him but he stuck to his story and told me it was all truth. Next morning I still told him i didn't believe him and he got mad that I wouldn't etc. I needed a drive to work as I'd left my car there the previous day so he said he'd drive me once he was dressed. I went out and sat in his car but he came running out half dressed in a panic telling me to go wait in the house. I was suspicious, saw his phone and read his messages. The only one I saw was from a friend of his who lives in that city saying 'tell her I had a family crisis and you needed to be here for me. Tell me what excuse you give and I'll back you up'.. It made me so mad. I got out of the car and told him I'd seen the message (ie. I saw the message) and he got upset and replied with 'It was stupid. I shouldn't have texted her. she gave me her number after the dances'.. turns out he sent a text message to one of the strippers. It read 'Tonight was great, had a fantastic time. Would love to meet you again in a less professional manner'.. I was livid. He then told me he'd about 7 dances and spent almost £200... which we can't afford right now. I haven't had a night out in months because he says we can't afford it. He claims he would never have met this girl anyway and only sent the message curious to see if she'd reply (I'm not buyint that but I could have told him he'd be waiting forever on a reply) Now I'm in a strange country, with nobody i know at all, in a new job and have no idea what to do....

01-26-2008, 01:37 PM	#2
Hope75 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,506	Hi tikki and welcome, Ugh! How awful. I know I couldn't trust a guy who did this and then lied about it, knew enough to ask his friend to create a story to back him up.... if it were me this would be over. You say you are making good money working there- would you have any desire to stay if you were to leave him? Or would going back to your country be more feasable for you? __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

01-26-2008, 01:44 PM	#3
sweetharmony Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: New York Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 726	wow. sorry to hear about this! I am getting pissed off reading this. when I first started reading, I was afraid to think that you were overreacting. I was like, he probably went to the club with co-workers after the mtg. and was afraid to tell you...though I think he should have been upfront about that. then i read further and saw that your gut was right on, and wow, the nerve of that guy. and a stripper? i mean how low can you go? what was he thinking? I would say that his values are different from yours. This would be a deal-breaker for me, too. I'm not sure I could ever trust again...but only you could make that choice. You both bought a house together, so that is something really tying you financially together. Were you engaged or planning on this? I know this is something you probably have to work out. For now, though I'd consider a separation to clear your mind. Do you have any friends in this country for support? Are you considering moving back to your home country? What are your options? __________________ "through a glass darkly"

01-27-2008, 01:03 PM	#9
JadedStar Offline Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: On a star far, far away... Posts: 16,339	Yes, it's cheating. Yes, he is disgusting. Something that isn't very clear to me yet is he got this text: The only one I saw was from a friend of his who lives in that city saying 'tell her I had a family crisis and you needed to be here for me. Tell me what excuse you give and I'll back you up'.. so the stripper DID respond? Or was this really from a friend that you know that he has in this city? Is this a guy friend or female friend? If female, he didn't go to a stripclub he met this friend and they shared the entire evening together. Most strippers do not send messages like that to patrons. They see so many men they all look the same after awhile. The ONLY reason she would send that is if he got her number to "hire" her privately. That is the ONLY reason a stripper would give her number to a "client" (i hate to use client as its too polite of a word) is if he asked her if she gives private sessions where she does "more" (i.e. she's now not only a strippper but a prostitute). No way did this girl just have a thing for him because he bougth some private dances and give out her phone number. They just don't do that unless like i said he asked if she performs privately outside of the club and he was going to pay her for sex or a blow job or something. MANY strippers will do this on the side. I'm getting sick just writing this. UGH i am so sorry for you> This is horrific. Last edited by JadedStar; 01-27-2008 at 01:05 PM.

01-27-2008, 02:07 PM	#10
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	This would be cheating in my book too. Texting a stripper, that's awful. To be honest, I wouldn't be thrilled with the stripclub in the first place, esp. since he claims you don't have money to go out? Girl, I am so sorry for your situation. This must be very hard for you. Do you have friends or colleagues in your new town, that you can maybe spend some days with? __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

01-26-2008, 05:07 PM	#4
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	i personally don't have trouble with a guy sometimes going to a strip club with his buddies and doing nothing but hooting and hollering and male bonding, but i WOULD have trouble with him texting strippers and making plans to meet them privately. that is no longer spectator sport so to speak, but crossing the line into potential cheating (or maybe he did cheat). it's rough that you already own a house together because it makes it harder to walk away, but you need to decide whether you want to take this forward with him. i think at a minimum he needs to promise that he will never go to a strip club again or ever text other women or make plans to see them or ANYTHING that approaches this kind of behavior, or you'll walk (and mean it). but if you seriously think he cheated then you have a harder decision on whether to stay or go. you have to worry about STDs if he is sleeping around, so i would take some time and try to discover whether he has been cheating on you, especially with strippers, many of whom are stripping and/or prostitutes to support drug habits and hence have a higher risk of STDs and HIV. and use protection until you are sure he is not sleeping around, and that your trust in him to not cheat has been restored.

01-27-2008, 03:00 AM	#6
tikkii Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 59	I don't know if he cheated or has done in past. He's sticking by his story that he was just curious to see if he'd get a reply but that's causing me more grief than anything because it's the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard. The more I hear about the night the more annoyed I get. Apparently 4 of them went and he was the only one of them to go for private dances. I don't know what happens during the private dances, he mentioned you are in a booth alone with the girl.. this made me sick because until I heard this I assumed he was in the main part of the club with all the other guys. He's insistent that he has never cheated and never would but what he's already done ie. go to the club knowing it would upset me, having that many dances (esp with just one girl), spending money we didn't have, getting her phone number, then sending her a message - that's as good as cheating in my opinion.

01-27-2008, 07:48 AM	#7
BeStrongBeHappy Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 7,413	He is giving you a ridiculous excuse because there IS no excuse. This is falling into the category of 'that's my story and i'm sticking to it...' i wouldn't get into a semantics war with him about what cheating is or isn't. you have to go straight for the heart of the matter, which is that he is engaging in PERSONAL sexual seeking behavior, not just random male bonding and fun. he encourages women to get in sexually inappropriate situations with him, and seeking contact with them personally by texting and flirting. whether he actually cheated or not is hard to determine after the fact, becuase he knows you are onto him now and probably won't text this particular girl again anyway. so i think you need to tell him exactly what you are willing to tolerate or not, and stick to your guns. if he continues to seek out sexual situations with other women, then you have a decision to make.