Marriage counseling - Help!

Melody77 · 01-22-2008, 09:48 PM

I think my husband wants to get divorced. I don't want to. I really don't.

After going through many, many, many fights and discussions, we have decided to see a counselor but I'm so scared they end up telling us we are not meant to be together, that there is nothing for us to hope for. My feeling is that my husband loves me but not enough to try and save our marriage. We are very different (different background, different culture, different religion... yes I know we didn't pick the easiest way...) but I know I can make it. I know all our differences are not a 'threat' to my love for him. But I am not sure about him and I think he is ready to give up and just wants to see a counselor so they will 'hold his hand' in making that decision.

I don't want to get divorced, I love him so much.

For those who saw a marriage counselor, can you give me advice or let me know how it went? I have no idea of what I'm supposed to expect and if there's any hope. What happened for you?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

**melrich** · 01-22-2008, 10:08 PM

Quote:

we have decided to see a counselor but I'm so scared they end up telling us we are not meant to be together, that there is nothing for us to hope for.

A good counsellor won't do that. All they really do is mediate and guide the discussion so that there are some outcomes, that is, they won't allow you to get hung up on issues that are not important or are hiding the real issues.

It sounds like a good idea to see one to me.

Crazyaboutdogs · 01-22-2008, 10:08 PM

I have never been married so I can't exactly answer your question. What I will say, however, is that a good marriage counsellor should get the dialogue going between you and your husband..to see if you two can come to a meeting of the minds. A good counsellor should not tell you to split up...that is not for the counsellor to determine...that is a decision between the couple. If your husband is set on divorce and is only going through the counselling as a formality (to have proof that he "tried" to save the marriage) then there is nothing you can do. It takes two to make the relationship work and if he has checked out, it doesn't matter what you want. I will suggest that you play it cool and not beg, plead or lose your cool. Go to the counselling and see how that goes...you can be firm about your desire to salvage the marriage without looking desperate and needy. Hold your head up high and do your best....if it still doesn't work out, you will still be okay.

Robinson · 01-23-2008, 07:26 AM

I havent tried counselling yet, but what I've been told is that good counselling helps, specially when ppl cannot communicate, but doesn't solve. A regular description is that things get better but then it eventually goes back to the start or similar. Although with no experience in this area, I can imagine why's this: you cannot live a marriage with a counsellor beside you both. Or you can find your dialogue and your common objectives on a permanent basis or you don't.

Melody77 · 01-24-2008, 04:02 PM

Thanks everyone for your response.

I talked to my husband again and he says he does want to try. He does want us to stay together but I feel like somehow he expects me to do all the changes (like I am the one who 'creates' the conflict every time we have one). We have a real problem of communication but no matter how hard I try, it seems never good enough. I know he loves me and I do love him very much but we just keep hurting each other (and when we are fighting we are hating each other!!).

Anyway, I'm really scared to go see a counselor but I think it will be a good thing - it is the last option we have anyway, we cannot keep on like this. I'm hoping that the only problem that will come up is a communication problem and nothing else.

I am also scared because we have a friend who had to go see a counselor with her husband and the counselor basically told her (not directly but made her understand) that she should live him because her husband had admitted during a session that he had cheated on her... I guess the counselor saw the true nature of the husband and felt it was the best for her. I know my husband loves me and is not a 'player' (at least so far!!) but I'm scared the counselor comes to the conclusion that we cannot get along and should get divorced for some reason. I do not want to get divorced.

If anybody has seen a counselor before, please let me know how it went. What kind of questions you've been asked? etc...

Thank you!!

mae08 · 01-24-2008, 08:40 PM

my husband and I are currently in counseling - well we will be going for the second time this week. I think it is going to the only thing to get us thru our conflicts. we have been fighting and fighting for a quite a while, we just dont seem to be able to communicate anymore. we seem to take everything the wrong way and it esculates into so much more. the first session last about an hour and half. basically she just dug into our past, our families and what the issues at hand are.

she is really good - which is SO important. she initiates conversations, she probes for more information when one of us is vague, and she offers feedback and examples. we tried a couple other counselors in the past and never went back - you usually know after the first session if they are going to help.

i agree that a counselor is not there to TELL you what to do. they may work to try to bring out of you what you truely want. i am in the same boat as you -- my husband left our house about 6 mths ago, and i am terrified that he is not coming home, and i love him more than life itself. its almost like i am addicted to him as crazy as that sounds. so i am hoping in our sessions that he will be able to honestly say how he feels about us and what he wants to do - although it would be hard to live without him, i don't want him to pretend to love me...

i could go on and on, so i will stop before this gets too long and boring. i will be happy to share more if you are interested.

good luck, stay strong and hang in there...

Robinson · 01-25-2008, 05:02 AM

the thing that puzzles me is that so many ppl have a hard time communicating and don't learn with it.

I belive most of ppl have discussions and fights on a "I must win" basis, which is so darn stupid.

I used to be like that and then I learned that there is simply no use. What's the use of ending a fight feeling "I won" (which you never do, or it wouldn't be a fight) if everything is unsolved or even torn?

I learned to remain calm among such discussions, which removed the "fighting" factor. I approach them as a negotiation of feelings, in which I explain how I feel and what I believed to have cause such feelings and expecting the same from the other side. I also expect (and that's the hard part, since I'm also living with somone that appears to have difficulty in Earing with the big E) that my feelings are adressed and understood. It's not really so important if the other person's feelings are fundamented... if we love that person we have to hear them and try to understand why they are there and see if and how to solve it, with our actions.

About counselling as I said I have no experience but it might help specially when one or both of the ppl involved simply cannot process this. But untill when? What happens when fights reemerge? Will ppl depend on counselling all their lives to solve their issues? Does anyone has an experience of "I went to counselling and our life got better ever since" for a continuous and meaningful period of lifetime?

Aurian · 01-25-2008, 03:01 PM

Sometimes a counselor can simply give people the tools to fight more fairly and to calm down. Sometimes people don`t know where to start. Sometimes people need help to see another point of view and get out of the cycle of "I`m right, you`re wrong."

Counselling only works when both are willing to change or work though. If one wants to work and the other doesn`t, it probably won`t be very effective. Now *I* learned how to fight better. I learned how to express myself better. I learned how to stand up for myself and to find a compromise between my wants/needs and someone elses. My side of the problem was that my spine was a wet noodle. However, I was willing to work and change, but my ex was not. Thus, counselling did not save the marriage.

I don`t regret going though. I am better for it.

mae08 · 01-25-2008, 07:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Robinson

the thing that puzzles me is that so many ppl have a hard time communicating and don't learn with it.

I belive most of ppl have discussions and fights on a "I must win" basis, which is so darn stupid.

I used to be like that and then I learned that there is simply no use. What's the use of ending a fight feeling "I won" (which you never do, or it wouldn't be a fight) if everything is unsolved or even torn?

Well I guess that's where the counseling comes in - to help us LEARN where we are going wrong and why we are having such a hard time. It hasn't always been like this... my husband and I have been together for almost 18 years. But the past few years have been very hard because of family and health issues. And I believe we got caught up in the drama and started taking it out on each other because we didn't know how to deal with it personally.

I am not ready to walk away from my marriage because we have hit a rocky road. Therefore I will exhaust all avenues such as counseling before I give up. I don't think there is anything wrong with personal growth along the way, not all of us are perfect enough to realize that some things that we do are "so darn stupid".

Melody77 · 01-28-2008, 11:27 PM

Thank you so much for all your inputs.

I've been feeling down lately but reading your messages helped me, really!! I'm just going to go see the counselor and say things the way I feel them - I don't want to blame my husband. I mean I believe he has things to work on and improve if we want to get better but I know I did screw up too and really bad. So even if I'm scared, I know we have to go. I don't want to get divorced but we do have a problem that I don't want to ignore - we have no other option if we want to (try to) make things right.

Mae08, I definitely want to know more about your situation and how it is going with counseling. I totally understand what you mean by being 'addicted' to your husband. I am too (to mine of course, lol). You know I used to think it was a good thing all the love I have for him, that it was the reason why I knew he was the one (and I still believe it) but now I'm like questioning myself and think that maybe being 'addicted' like this might be the problem. Maybe it creates some kind of pressure and I expect more from him than what I should. I'm thinking that maybe being 'addicted' like this is the reflection of a bigger personal problem. I don't really want to go through the whole story of my life but let's say my relationship with my Dad was pretty 'screwed up' too and I know it affected me a lot (even now that I am 31, I cannot deny it so...). That said, I know my husband could help our relationship by changing a few things about the way he reacts or talks to me... but I believe the main problem might come from me so talking to someone else will help.

Also I believe we should try to live for ourselves first (if you don't have children of course) and show that we are strong enough to be independant if necessary. I know it's easier said than done since I've been crying and depressed for the past few weeks!! But I know I have to try to be stronger because, in my case, even though my husband is concerned and is trying to make things better (I can see it), he is still not feeling as bad as I do. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't realize how bad our situation is or that he doesn't care. But, like he said, he doesn't want to hurt! Well, it's hard to hear because, like I said, it feels like he doesn't care but, at the same time, I think it is the right thing to do. I have to tell myself the same thing, I don't want to hurt and do everything possible to move on... hopefully on the right path and it will get better. Being devastated does not help anyways.

So I'm going to try to be positive because I have to keep in mind that we love each other and that we just have to compromise and learn how to communicate. So we are going to meet with the counselor and we'll see...

Please keep on posting... and I will too. It makes it easier when we can share our experience.

Thanks again everyone!!

01-22-2008, 09:48 PM	#1
Melody77 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Gender: Female Age: 2 Posts: 35	Marriage counseling - Help! I think my husband wants to get divorced. I don't want to. I really don't. After going through many, many, many fights and discussions, we have decided to see a counselor but I'm so scared they end up telling us we are not meant to be together, that there is nothing for us to hope for. My feeling is that my husband loves me but not enough to try and save our marriage. We are very different (different background, different culture, different religion... yes I know we didn't pick the easiest way...) but I know I can make it. I know all our differences are not a 'threat' to my love for him. But I am not sure about him and I think he is ready to give up and just wants to see a counselor so they will 'hold his hand' in making that decision. I don't want to get divorced, I love him so much. For those who saw a marriage counselor, can you give me advice or let me know how it went? I have no idea of what I'm supposed to expect and if there's any hope. What happened for you? Thanks in advance for your responses.

01-25-2008, 03:01 PM	#8
Aurian Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Vancouver, Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 2,364	Sometimes a counselor can simply give people the tools to fight more fairly and to calm down. Sometimes people don`t know where to start. Sometimes people need help to see another point of view and get out of the cycle of "I`m right, you`re wrong." Counselling only works when both are willing to change or work though. If one wants to work and the other doesn`t, it probably won`t be very effective. Now I learned how to fight better. I learned how to express myself better. I learned how to stand up for myself and to find a compromise between my wants/needs and someone elses. My side of the problem was that my spine was a wet noodle. However, I was willing to work and change, but my ex was not. Thus, counselling did not save the marriage. I don`t regret going though. I am better for it. __________________ How to spot a loser and understanding the abused victim: http://www.drjoecarver.com/3/miscellaneous2.htm Excellent articles! Last edited by Aurian; 01-25-2008 at 03:04 PM.

01-22-2008, 10:08 PM	#3
Crazyaboutdogs Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,627	I have never been married so I can't exactly answer your question. What I will say, however, is that a good marriage counsellor should get the dialogue going between you and your husband..to see if you two can come to a meeting of the minds. A good counsellor should not tell you to split up...that is not for the counsellor to determine...that is a decision between the couple. If your husband is set on divorce and is only going through the counselling as a formality (to have proof that he "tried" to save the marriage) then there is nothing you can do. It takes two to make the relationship work and if he has checked out, it doesn't matter what you want. I will suggest that you play it cool and not beg, plead or lose your cool. Go to the counselling and see how that goes...you can be firm about your desire to salvage the marriage without looking desperate and needy. Hold your head up high and do your best....if it still doesn't work out, you will still be okay.

01-23-2008, 07:26 AM	#4
Robinson Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 175	I havent tried counselling yet, but what I've been told is that good counselling helps, specially when ppl cannot communicate, but doesn't solve. A regular description is that things get better but then it eventually goes back to the start or similar. Although with no experience in this area, I can imagine why's this: you cannot live a marriage with a counsellor beside you both. Or you can find your dialogue and your common objectives on a permanent basis or you don't.

01-24-2008, 04:02 PM	#5
Melody77 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Gender: Female Age: 2 Posts: 35	Thanks everyone for your response. I talked to my husband again and he says he does want to try. He does want us to stay together but I feel like somehow he expects me to do all the changes (like I am the one who 'creates' the conflict every time we have one). We have a real problem of communication but no matter how hard I try, it seems never good enough. I know he loves me and I do love him very much but we just keep hurting each other (and when we are fighting we are hating each other!!). Anyway, I'm really scared to go see a counselor but I think it will be a good thing - it is the last option we have anyway, we cannot keep on like this. I'm hoping that the only problem that will come up is a communication problem and nothing else. I am also scared because we have a friend who had to go see a counselor with her husband and the counselor basically told her (not directly but made her understand) that she should live him because her husband had admitted during a session that he had cheated on her... I guess the counselor saw the true nature of the husband and felt it was the best for her. I know my husband loves me and is not a 'player' (at least so far!!) but I'm scared the counselor comes to the conclusion that we cannot get along and should get divorced for some reason. I do not want to get divorced. If anybody has seen a counselor before, please let me know how it went. What kind of questions you've been asked? etc... Thank you!!

01-24-2008, 08:40 PM	#6
mae08 Offline Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 2	my husband and I are currently in counseling - well we will be going for the second time this week. I think it is going to the only thing to get us thru our conflicts. we have been fighting and fighting for a quite a while, we just dont seem to be able to communicate anymore. we seem to take everything the wrong way and it esculates into so much more. the first session last about an hour and half. basically she just dug into our past, our families and what the issues at hand are. she is really good - which is SO important. she initiates conversations, she probes for more information when one of us is vague, and she offers feedback and examples. we tried a couple other counselors in the past and never went back - you usually know after the first session if they are going to help. i agree that a counselor is not there to TELL you what to do. they may work to try to bring out of you what you truely want. i am in the same boat as you -- my husband left our house about 6 mths ago, and i am terrified that he is not coming home, and i love him more than life itself. its almost like i am addicted to him as crazy as that sounds. so i am hoping in our sessions that he will be able to honestly say how he feels about us and what he wants to do - although it would be hard to live without him, i don't want him to pretend to love me... i could go on and on, so i will stop before this gets too long and boring. i will be happy to share more if you are interested. good luck, stay strong and hang in there...

01-25-2008, 05:02 AM	#7
Robinson Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Gender: Male Age: 34 Posts: 175	the thing that puzzles me is that so many ppl have a hard time communicating and don't learn with it. I belive most of ppl have discussions and fights on a "I must win" basis, which is so darn stupid. I used to be like that and then I learned that there is simply no use. What's the use of ending a fight feeling "I won" (which you never do, or it wouldn't be a fight) if everything is unsolved or even torn? I learned to remain calm among such discussions, which removed the "fighting" factor. I approach them as a negotiation of feelings, in which I explain how I feel and what I believed to have cause such feelings and expecting the same from the other side. I also expect (and that's the hard part, since I'm also living with somone that appears to have difficulty in Earing with the big E) that my feelings are adressed and understood. It's not really so important if the other person's feelings are fundamented... if we love that person we have to hear them and try to understand why they are there and see if and how to solve it, with our actions. About counselling as I said I have no experience but it might help specially when one or both of the ppl involved simply cannot process this. But untill when? What happens when fights reemerge? Will ppl depend on counselling all their lives to solve their issues? Does anyone has an experience of "I went to counselling and our life got better ever since" for a continuous and meaningful period of lifetime?

01-28-2008, 11:27 PM	#10
Melody77 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Gender: Female Age: 2 Posts: 35	Thank you so much for all your inputs. I've been feeling down lately but reading your messages helped me, really!! I'm just going to go see the counselor and say things the way I feel them - I don't want to blame my husband. I mean I believe he has things to work on and improve if we want to get better but I know I did screw up too and really bad. So even if I'm scared, I know we have to go. I don't want to get divorced but we do have a problem that I don't want to ignore - we have no other option if we want to (try to) make things right. Mae08, I definitely want to know more about your situation and how it is going with counseling. I totally understand what you mean by being 'addicted' to your husband. I am too (to mine of course, lol). You know I used to think it was a good thing all the love I have for him, that it was the reason why I knew he was the one (and I still believe it) but now I'm like questioning myself and think that maybe being 'addicted' like this might be the problem. Maybe it creates some kind of pressure and I expect more from him than what I should. I'm thinking that maybe being 'addicted' like this is the reflection of a bigger personal problem. I don't really want to go through the whole story of my life but let's say my relationship with my Dad was pretty 'screwed up' too and I know it affected me a lot (even now that I am 31, I cannot deny it so...). That said, I know my husband could help our relationship by changing a few things about the way he reacts or talks to me... but I believe the main problem might come from me so talking to someone else will help. Also I believe we should try to live for ourselves first (if you don't have children of course) and show that we are strong enough to be independant if necessary. I know it's easier said than done since I've been crying and depressed for the past few weeks!! But I know I have to try to be stronger because, in my case, even though my husband is concerned and is trying to make things better (I can see it), he is still not feeling as bad as I do. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't realize how bad our situation is or that he doesn't care. But, like he said, he doesn't want to hurt! Well, it's hard to hear because, like I said, it feels like he doesn't care but, at the same time, I think it is the right thing to do. I have to tell myself the same thing, I don't want to hurt and do everything possible to move on... hopefully on the right path and it will get better. Being devastated does not help anyways. So I'm going to try to be positive because I have to keep in mind that we love each other and that we just have to compromise and learn how to communicate. So we are going to meet with the counselor and we'll see... Please keep on posting... and I will too. It makes it easier when we can share our experience. Thanks again everyone!!